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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give my boyfriend an ultimatum?

72 replies

Someonehelpmi · 27/03/2018 10:19

We have a 5 week old baby, both our first. He often will leave us over night one or two nights a week to get high and smoke weed with his friends. We're not the richest of people so it fruatrates me he will spend money on this, instead of putting it towards rent etc. Whenever I bring it up he says that I'm trying to put him under house arrest and stopping him from seeing his friends. Not the case, I have no problems with his friends however they only want to get high and never just go out for a drink/watch movies etc with my boyfriend because they don't understand the responsibility he now has. They still live with their parents rent free while we have a household to run. Anyway sorry for the rant but basically last night I have him an ultimatum and said to him he has to chose between me and out child or getting high with his friends, no compromise. Was I being unreasonable? Or manipulative? We should be leaving that part of our lives behind now

OP posts:

Travis1 · 27/03/2018 12:30

Life is too short, you are young and your baby needs to be the focus. That is never going to be the case for this young man. I'd be making steps to leave. Weed over food and formula? It's never going to get better.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 27/03/2018 12:35

Sounds like he needs to grow up and realise he has responsibility now. A short sharp shock could be what he needs to realise what he has to lose, but the outcome might not work out how you'd like. Good luck!

Mightymucks · 27/03/2018 12:39

LTB. Immature.

IAmMatty · 27/03/2018 12:45

You've not got enough food, but he buys weed with the only money you had?

Why even bother with an ultimatum? You haven't been together that long. It's hardly the love affair of the century. Just go and live your own life and leave him to his. You cannot bring your child up hungry and poor with a dad who spends the family money on drugs.

If he wants to stay in contact he will (but he won't).

Usernumbers1234 · 27/03/2018 13:01

Don’t think you are unreasonable to give an ultimatum, it’s a step change in your life and it’s time to reappraise, particularly given what you said about spending. It does make a difference when it’s disposable income being spent rather than non-disposable.

However I do think people have raised some valid points above -

Did he do this before you got pregnant? And did you discuss it before getting pregnant - ie you said you wouldn’t be happy with it? If you didn’t and he’s literally only going to a friends house twice a week and is otherwise available and supportive, then you might be on shaky ground.

Similarly, the point about them “not going for a drink or cinema” would you be annoyed if he went out twice a week, came back drunk and probably hungover and a bit slow getting up and being useful the following day?

If you wouldn’t be fussed about that - because it’s the likely alternative if he is banned from any smoking - then go ahead and give the ultimatum. But it might be a case of careful what you wish for, I’d prefer a stoned partner twice a week than a drunk one.

sharkirasharkira · 27/03/2018 13:02

I've been in a similar position OP.

Yanbu, but if he is anything like my ex he won't change. It's no way to live, life is too short and you will both be better off out of that situation. Good luck x

cuppateamum · 27/03/2018 13:07

Weed over food and formula is not acceptable!! He probably know that himself though. You don't sound like you're buying your head in the sand at all but he is, escaping. No bloody wonder you're frustrated.

IME men can and do change. I spent my 20's in a time/place where going out and getting wasted was pretty much what everybody did, often, male or female. Pretty much everyone I knew then now has kids, houses, careers, happy marriages. Wasn't always plain sailing but it happened. Not overnight though.

You can't know whether he will change or not so focus on you and baby. Call on friends and family for support if you can. If you think you and DS would be happier without him around then you can always try that - if he wants to be involved and is prepared to work at change he'll come back. Good luck

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/03/2018 13:25

If it is drugs and he's prioritising them over food and formula then it is obvious that he won't stop.

How long have you given him to comply? What action will you take on the day he fails to meet your demands? Are you going to tell him to leave? Leave yourself? Something else?

If you do nothing concrete when he fails then he will know he can ignore any threat you make. It won't be worth the breath to speak. You make your words irrelevant.

Luckingfovely · 27/03/2018 13:27

You need to un-invest in him and your life together. Your future happiness probably depends on this.

Original poster

Someonehelpmi · 27/03/2018 13:45

I've moved halfway across the country to be with him so if he fails I guess I would be the one to up and move.

At the end of the day he wants his cake and to eat it. I was just really looking foward to us being a little family, we have a lovely flat and have been given such a good opportunity to wipe the slate clean and learn from what happened to us as young children and be much better parents. I don't think he realised how difficult it would be and has given up on trying. Feel free to tell me how naive and stupid I've been, I need it

OP posts:

cuppateamum · 27/03/2018 13:56

Being optimistic is not naive or stupid.

As you've moved to be with him is it an option for you to go back to friends/family for a week or two? That would at least give you and DS some time away from the stress of this, and would give him some time to think too.

FWIW I think 5 weeks is very early for him to have given up trying (as much as it might feel like the right now). Knowing what to do with a tiny baby is pretty daunting and can take some time to get used to... and bonding isn't always instant.

IAmMatty · 27/03/2018 14:02

You are NOT stupid!

You're smart enough to realise that there's a better way to live. So go and do just that.

QueenofmyPrinces · 27/03/2018 14:10

Knowing what to do with a tiny baby is pretty daunting and can take some time to get used to... and bonding isn't always instant.

As I’m sure a lot of mothers feel like
this too but they just get on with it, because they have to. A baby needs looking after, full stop.

What if OP also felt daunted and lost? Would it be ok for her to just dismiss the baby, dump it
on the grandparents and go out smoking weed too with her partner because it’s only been 5 weeks and looking after her baby and being a responsible parent shouldn’t be an immediate concern compared to her social life?

Or is it just the father who is allowed to have that privilege as he adapts to new parenthood at his own pace with some kind of misplaced sympathy about how hard he might be finding it?

OP - nothing excuses your partner from behaving the way he is. As others have said, I would cut your losses and move back home because no good can come from waiting around for him to change.

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2018 14:16

Yanbu at all to issue an ultimatum

Ywbu not to follow it through

CotswoldStrife · 27/03/2018 14:26

OP, you've said you've not been together very long yet you've moved half way across the country for him? How did that happen, then?

Snowmagedon · 27/03/2018 14:37

I don't think it will work.
Is he usefully the days he us around? As good as father?

If he moves out or leaves will you be OK? I would think about this first because there is a chance he will just bugger off, not bonded with baby, won't care and you will be left alone.
If you have a good support system.. Money... Etc then perhaps you the result won't matter so much.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/03/2018 14:39

OP, with all the kindness in the world; I can't see how this was never going to happen. It had all the hallmarks of car-crash in the making.

You can issue all the ultimatums in the world but unless someone wants to change of their own volition then it's not going to happen.

Even if he stops and shapes up; that will likely only be for a short period of time. It sounds to me that you thought having a baby would sort everything out. On the contrary it tends to make things much more difficult.

You need to start thinking about what you can do for yourself and your baby to give you both the best possible life. The more you emotionally and mentally involve yourself in him getting better the more you will mentally and emotionally deteriorate.

You've made your ultimatum. The only thing is for you to carry it out. Give it a time-scale because no doubt he'll tell you everything you want to hear to placate you but be back out with his mates in no time. Draw your own boundaries and don't let him erase them.

Snowmagedon · 27/03/2018 14:39

Five weeks is a still early too bonding takes time.

Ultimatum, suck it up, bite tongue be as nice as you can and gradually try and give you him space with baby see how bonding goes.. Or just give up and leave.

Snowmagedon · 27/03/2018 14:47

Queen

If the father is a teenager or very young young.. With difficult upbringing

Then yes I would cut him slack.

Would I cut a 30 adult slack...

Original poster

Someonehelpmi · 27/03/2018 14:47

@Cotswold I was in uni here and after i graduated I took a few months out to work in a bar and make some money before job hunting back home. That's how I met him then ended up staying x

OP posts:

Snowmagedon · 27/03/2018 14:50

I don't know how I missed the other long post sorry op

Yes I would cut losses and movie home, if you have support there.

cuppateamum · 27/03/2018 14:55

Queenof Of course I'm not saying any of that, in no way do I think he deserves sympathy, privilege, whatever. There is no excuse for his behaviour.

My point is that he's relatively young to become a dad, has been thrown into it unplanned, and that he's likely finding the responsibility of being a father to a new baby much more difficult than another man, in different circumstances, would. I'm not condoning his behaviour, it's not on! But there is a reason he's behaving that way. It's not necessarily as straightforward as he's an ae who doesn't care. It might be that he is freaking the frick out (eg running away/escaping) because he doesn't know how to deal with this and needs some help to step up.

Sometimes people need others to give them a chance to grow up, to deal with what's going on, not just give up on them immediately. Sometimes they need a little help.

Maybe he is an a**e and OP would be best to leave him but maybe they could sort this out, as this is DC's future surely options deserve exploring.

Snowmagedon · 27/03/2018 14:59

The money thing and spending it on weed tipped me into he won't change camp.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 27/03/2018 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 27/03/2018 15:13

By the sounds of it he doesn't want a girlfriend, a child or to settle into domestic bliss. He is young and wants to do what young ones do.

Start planning for a future which doesn't include him.

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