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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu family being difficult

54 replies

Wineallthetime · 26/03/2018 18:38

Bit of a long one sorry but am so cross! DH and I have brought a wreck of a camper van with the intention of doing it up and it being for all the family to enjoy. When we told family what we'd done they thought we were mad, but also excited and all offered to babysit so we could work on it. So far mums done 8 ish hours and dad and step mum together X3 over the last 6 weeks.

Mum came to stay this weekend with the intention of babysitting on Sunday so we could crack on but on Friday she told me she'd had a bad week at work, was too tired to baby sit (ds is 1 and dd3 so a handful) but she still wanted to come. I tried my dad and a few friends to see if anyone could have the children with no joy as too short notice. Therefore she was here the whole weekend and we weren't able to do any work as the jobs needed two people. I fully understand she's had a bad week but suggested she give us more notice next time as the workshop where the vans kept is costing us money every week and she could of stayed at home and had a nice rest!

So this didn't happen again I've tried to line up dad step mum and brother, friends etc so we can get the work done. In a nut shell my dads not even bothered to reply, my brother who originally said he'd come two weekends running is now coming for one day and mums told me she's too busy. I don't expect them to have the children,, they hardly ever do, I know they are hard work, I'm a full time mum and never have a day off, but they all said they'd chip in and help and now none of them want to. We have other people who can help but I thought they'd like to see the children as they always offer to look after them, they offer all the time.

Compared to some families they hardly see them and when they do it's always on their terms e.g. They come here, I host them for lunch and walk To the park etc, I don't just ditch the children and go out!

So am I right to be annoyed? Should I say something or let it go?

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 26/03/2018 18:39

I think YABU sorry.

Emma198 · 26/03/2018 18:41

Did you ask them and agree with them before buying the camper? Or were they just perhaps being polite given you'd already made the purchase. I'd say you're being unreasonable really, I know you've got good intentions but it was your decision so your responsibility.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/03/2018 18:41

As you had already bought the camper van and presented it as a done deal YABU. They should have a choice about helping out or not.

Gazelda · 26/03/2018 18:45

You took on a project which could only be completed with help and goodwill of family and friends? But the family and friends only found out about this plan after you'd bought the van?
YABU.

statetrooperstacey · 26/03/2018 18:45

You had already bought the van though. It's not like you bought it because they offered to look after the kids. So what original plan did you have? Find a local teenager? Any of your friends got a 15 year old you could chuck £20 at.
I think you are unreasonable yes sorry .

RedHelenB · 26/03/2018 18:47

Also maybe they didn't realise how much time you would need from them, they have all done some.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 26/03/2018 18:47

Honestly, yabu, sorry. Your family are under no obligation to babysit, although it's lovely if they do. I totally understand how hard it can be to get things done (mine are the same ages as yours and have literally never had family babysit except the few hours I was in hospital having dc2) but that's doggie you to work around, not anyone else.

bimbobaggins · 26/03/2018 18:51

If you are a full time mum why don’t you put them to a child minder or nursery for a few days, your oh takes annual leave and you just crack on with it without having to rely on anyone. I know that sounds harsh but it’s going to cost you no matter what.
Try not to rely on anyone else and you’ll never be disappointed. Unfortunately that’s harsh too but sadly a reality.

MynameisJune · 26/03/2018 18:51

Your family aren’t being difficult ffs. You bought a campervan that would need two people working on it at once and you expected free childcare whilst doing it but not checking with anyone first?

Someone is being unread but it isn’t your family.

SchoolMoney · 26/03/2018 19:07

Look at it this way. You're paying for the van to be stored until it's done, you didn't factor in childminding costs. Would you want the van stored for free until you found time to do it? No. So you can't rota family in to help you. If they offered - great! But they can't be expected to hop to it whenever suits you.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 26/03/2018 19:11

Sorry, but I agree yabu. If this was really going to be a family project, you should have discussed and agreed it before you made the purchase. Instead, you and Dh went ahead and then informed your family after. Also, how often would they get to use it? Because there would inevitably be times when you wanted to use it at the same time - who gets priority? Because I'd suggest that if they were looking after your children, who got admit are a handful, that's just as valuable as the time you and Dh spend doing it up. There's a lot to be agreed here and to be honest, I wouldn't really want to be involved with it.

Leeds2 · 26/03/2018 19:12

I think YABVU to expect your family to help, although I think I would be a little miffed if my mum came down for three days and couldn't manage the DC for even half a day.
Are there no jobs that just one of you could do? Even if it takes longer, you would at least be making progress.

SnowOnStPatricksDay · 26/03/2018 19:13

This is the perfect job for a student studying child development - they can "mind" the DCs within earshot while you both work on the camper 😀

Babyplaymat · 26/03/2018 19:14

Yeah, yabu, sorry. We take on similar projects, but you can't rely on others to make it possible. Either get on with it yourself or hire help where needed.

DairyisClosed · 26/03/2018 19:14

YABU. Your idea. Your problem.

ThisBabyIsAnOctopus · 26/03/2018 19:16

OMG you are such a CF!!! YABVVVVU expecting everyone to look after your (very young) children whilst you spend time on your hobby! Very entitled

Barbie222 · 26/03/2018 19:17

In my head at some point I'd have said "nice idea but we can't do that project while the children are small". It's cheeky to ask so many times. Your mum is giving you a hint that she'd like to spend time with you and relax with the grandchildren instead of constantly working so that you can have fun and the rest of the family sound like they've had enough too.

Do this kind of thing when your kids are older.

SisterMoonshine · 26/03/2018 19:17

It reminds a bit of a story my DD's got where no one helps make the pancakes, yet they all want to eat them at the end.
Don't lend out the van to them when it's done. (Except your mum and dad perhaps who have helped)

Aprilmightmemynewname · 26/03/2018 19:18

At least when it's finished they are all obviously too busy to enjoy the camper van.

Twogoround · 26/03/2018 19:24

Pay for childcare . Put them in nursery 1 day a week and then get your husband days off work . Or find a child minder or nanny that want casual week end work .

gamerchick · 26/03/2018 19:26

I think you’re going to have to pay for childcare and crack on with it without relying on your family.

You can tell your mother you have no time to host her for the weekend though while you’re busy.

Psychobabble123 · 26/03/2018 19:26

You are so unbelievably unreasonable that I just don't know where to start!

Catspaws · 26/03/2018 19:29

YABU. You bought the van for yourselves and family only offered help after. Help has to be given on their terms, not when it's most suitable for you. It's not like they all persuaded you to buy it on the promise that they would help and then backed out.

blackteasplease · 26/03/2018 19:30

Yes I was going to say don't feel obliged to let them use it!

Whocansay · 26/03/2018 19:31

YABU. And I think you're a bit of a CF, tbh.

Both the van and your children are your responsibility. I'm sure your family want to look after your kids occasionally, but you seem to be expecting all weekend every weekend. That's a big ask. You should have considered this before buying the van. You didn't even sound them out about it.

I don't understand why do the jobs need two people?

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