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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu family being difficult

54 replies

Wineallthetime · 26/03/2018 18:38

Bit of a long one sorry but am so cross! DH and I have brought a wreck of a camper van with the intention of doing it up and it being for all the family to enjoy. When we told family what we'd done they thought we were mad, but also excited and all offered to babysit so we could work on it. So far mums done 8 ish hours and dad and step mum together X3 over the last 6 weeks.

Mum came to stay this weekend with the intention of babysitting on Sunday so we could crack on but on Friday she told me she'd had a bad week at work, was too tired to baby sit (ds is 1 and dd3 so a handful) but she still wanted to come. I tried my dad and a few friends to see if anyone could have the children with no joy as too short notice. Therefore she was here the whole weekend and we weren't able to do any work as the jobs needed two people. I fully understand she's had a bad week but suggested she give us more notice next time as the workshop where the vans kept is costing us money every week and she could of stayed at home and had a nice rest!

So this didn't happen again I've tried to line up dad step mum and brother, friends etc so we can get the work done. In a nut shell my dads not even bothered to reply, my brother who originally said he'd come two weekends running is now coming for one day and mums told me she's too busy. I don't expect them to have the children,, they hardly ever do, I know they are hard work, I'm a full time mum and never have a day off, but they all said they'd chip in and help and now none of them want to. We have other people who can help but I thought they'd like to see the children as they always offer to look after them, they offer all the time.

Compared to some families they hardly see them and when they do it's always on their terms e.g. They come here, I host them for lunch and walk To the park etc, I don't just ditch the children and go out!

So am I right to be annoyed? Should I say something or let it go?

OP posts:

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 26/03/2018 19:33

YABMU

GrannyGrissle · 26/03/2018 19:33

They are being difficult? What a cheek! Do they even like campervanning and how long will each family member get to use it each year? I'm afraid you sound ridiculously unreasonable and entitled and not a very pleasant character at all.

Original poster

Wineallthetime · 26/03/2018 19:33

Thanks for your comments. Just to clarify When we brought the van we actually had no intention of asking any family for help, we were prepared to pay for storage etc for as long as it took or pay for help with the children. The only reason we haven't hired a babysitter is that they kept offering to help then letting us down st really short notice meaning we can't get anything done. Meanwhile they keep asking what progress has been made and when they can use it to go away!

I seriously don't mind paying a babysitter for a few hours, that's factored into our budget from the start but why offer to have the children, complain to me that they don't see them then let us down?!

OP posts:

gamerwidow · 26/03/2018 19:37

Sorry YABU. You bought the van knowing it needed work with no plan of how you would do it on your own . It would be very generous of the family if they did want to help but they’re under no obligation and the cost of the garage etc. is nothing to do with them. Yes they might have volunteered time when you first asked them because in the initial excitement it was probably hard to say no. They’ve probably found that actually there are things they want to do for themselves on their days off instead and that’s their prerogative.

gamerwidow · 26/03/2018 19:38

Xpost go with your original plan and then at least your can work to your own schedule.

Emma198 · 26/03/2018 19:40

Hmm your update isn't really in line with your original post OP. If paying is no issue then just sort out paid child care and don't bother asking your family so that way you won't be let down.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/03/2018 19:40

Um, have we got this right?
You bought a van, without telling anyone, and now expect everyone to babysit so you can do it up?
Yabu.
Reverse?

Turquoise123 · 26/03/2018 19:42

I think maybe you are thinking that if they are going to have the fun of the van when it's all up and running then maybe it would be nice if they helped a bit along the way ?

But I wonder if they really do want to use it ? And even if they do you can't really rely on their help - it's not as if you discussed it and agreed it up front .

arethereanyleftatall · 26/03/2018 19:42

Ah, sorry, cross post.
Yes, that's unfair to offer then pull out.

KERALA1 · 26/03/2018 19:43

This was a mad idea from the off. Your kids are at their most labour intensive age and you take on a labour intensive project? Why? If your dh is working in the week he will literally not see the dc at all. No way mine would agree to that.

We needed to do a lot on the house but only started when youngest at school.

KERALA1 · 26/03/2018 19:44

Buying these vans is a real craze. Don't get it myself who the hell wants to sleep in a van? And spend thousands on it? Air bnb about £40 per night.

YearOfYouRemember · 26/03/2018 19:46

They wanted to help, then they had your kids and now they don't want to have them anymore. There's a reason there.

Birdsgottafly · 26/03/2018 19:47

You are complaining about your Mum wanting to be a Grandmother and not a babysitter. I have GC the same age, they are exhausting. Not everyone has the same level of patience etc when they get a bit older.

Your Mum obviously thought she could help and is finding it a bit much. Do you let them see them, without leaving them with them? You seem to want that.

It's unfair to compare them to other people, i'm sure that you wouldn't like that. You've had twelve hours of childcare, just be grateful for that. Unless they are babysitting other relatives, same age children, they aren't out of order.

Birdsgottafly · 26/03/2018 19:49

Kerala1, i'd love a Camper van, for the independence and being able to take my dog. Overall they work out a lot cheaper than an B&B.

Unktious · 26/03/2018 19:54

I can understand no wanting to watch a one and three year old especially as you say they are hard work. You relatives shouldn’t have changed their plans at the last minute but I think you were being quite cheeky asking for so much help. An hour or two here and there is one thing but full days at the weekend is way too much.
I know you said the work requires two people but surely that won’t be the case most of the time. I’d suggest you pay a babysitter and then take turns while one works on the van and one watches the kids.

Allthebestnamesareused · 26/03/2018 19:56

Tell the ones asking that for each day they help work on it they get a half day's holiday in it.

Personally I wouldn't be lending it out as people tend not to treasure your stuff as much as you do.

Whocansay · 26/03/2018 19:58

They probably do want to help for a morning or so. But you seem to be expecting massive chunks of time. If you factored in paying for childcare, just pay for it. You don't seem to understand that you're asking a lot from people.

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/03/2018 20:05

Maybe they didn't realise just how much work the camper was going to need? Being charitable, perhaps they thought it just needed a good clean and they'd only have to put in a day or so looking after the children? Or they thought that your OH would crack on and they'd spend the time helping you with the children (or vice versa), not realising that you BOTH (why, by the way? Why not get a friend to help with the van and one of you stay with the kids?) were going to be out of commission.

I think you were optimistic, rather than cheeky. Small children are tough. Maybe you shouldn't have bought a van that was going to need both of you to work on so extensively. Why not get a friend to help one of you out and the other stay with the kids?

BackforGood · 26/03/2018 20:06

Agree with everyone else (which doesn't happen very often on AIBU, so that must tell you something).

YAB incredibly Unreasonable.

Your family aren't being 'difficult'. You have unreasonable expectations.

shesalady · 26/03/2018 20:07

Jesus Christ. Yabvu.

Bluetrews25 · 26/03/2018 20:26

So, according to your update, they want to use the van, but don't want to help out any more, and their offers to help - and then pulling out - is causing you problems?
Ok, so go as per original plans. Pay a child minder or baby sitter, crack on, get it done, and let them use the van ONCE, for a weekend. And no more. Little red hen, OP, little red hen.
They don't get to see you while you are working hard.
I think they are being difficult (dons hard hat, billy no mates here!) They don't HAVE to help, obviously, but are messing up your plans with their false promises to childmind so that you don't arrange someone who actually will do it.

CPtart · 26/03/2018 20:37

I doubt they really want to use the van. They're being polite.
I doubt, and so it seems, they want to look after your 'hard work' DC either, and don't appreciate being 'lined up' for the job.
Actions speak louder than words. Take the hint.

Totsntantrums · 26/03/2018 20:50

Did you not go by past history when they offered OP? My parents are always full of wonderful ideas with my DC, I am forever hearing how in the summer they will come over and go here and there! Eldest DC is 15 and it has still never happened.

I would always presume to take their offers as a pinch of salt and would never plan anything that would rely on them.

With a project as big as a camper, I do think that you should have arranged paid help from the off considering their previous lack of babysitting assistance.

Original poster

Wineallthetime · 26/03/2018 21:04

Thank you! Yes that's it totally. No of course they don't have to help but they are changing their minds so last minute we can't sort anything out. The other weekend when dad was supposed to help we thought hmmm might not happen so arranged for a friend to have them (a return favour as if had her children for a day in the week) he then cancelled and when I said it's okay as I had something else arranged just in case he got all shitty with me!

FYI to some commenters dad and step mum Iove campers, had one a few years ago but gave it up as it was costing too much to run, which is one reason we thought this would be a nice idea as they could use ours.

OP posts:

Unktious · 26/03/2018 21:06

Now you know you family are flakey you can plan ahead accordingly. They won’t change. It’s only going to be a problem if you expect them to change.

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