What happens when someone feels offended?

[Justmyownself]

Just that really.

I believe that people choose to feel offended, or angry, or sad or whatever emotion they think is relevant to the circumstances.

For example, words are literally just soundwaves. We hear them, consider them, and then attach meaning to them. Consequently we choose an emotion which corresponds to that meaning.

So, if I am overweight but genuienly have no issues with it, and someone makes a remark about my size, I may not choose to attach any meaning to their words because they are of no interest to me. If on the other hand, I am self concious about my weight, if it's an issue for me, then i might choose to attach meaning to that persons words. As acknowledgment of them forces me to confront an issue which makes me uncomfortable.

But what actually happens when someone feels offended? Ok, they might feel bad, but surely that feeling is their own responsibility?

As far as I can see nothing actually happens. The world still turns, the sun still rises. But nothing really happens. You could choose to feel so offended by something that you have to sit in a corner, rocking back and forth while dribbling all over yourself. But nothing actually happens.

Im not talking about obvious criminal offences like public order, as those obviously have legal implications. Im talking about the everyday "offences" which for some reason people seem obsessed about being offended by.

It sometimes feels like being offended by something is just a form of attention seeking. Are grown adults really that weak of character? To me, it sometimes feels like there are no adults in the world anymore. Just a bunch of characterless, over sensitive, narcissistic individuals.

I've got my flame proof knickers on just in case!

@Lethaldrizzle exactly this. It is not for people who are privileged to decide how and when others are allowed to feel offended. E.g as a person who does not have a disability I don't think it's my place to tell people living with disabilities that something they find offensive isn't offensive - learn from those who have lived experience of what it feels like to be on the receiving end. Same thing when white people try to claim that people of colour are too sensitive when they have no idea how much well-intended but ultimately racist comments can sting, especially when received on a frequent basis.

One thing that really gets to me is when a bunch of people decide what is offensive to other people to whom they have no conection. eg I was once at a seminar, at the coffee break I asked for a black coffee, I was told I couldn't ask for a black coffee as it is offensive, when I asked to who and how, the lady serving said 'to black people' ! I reported to her that I have never heard any black person say they had been offended by my asking for a black coffee, at this point the lady in the queue behind me said rather sharply 'I am black, neither I nor anyone I know is offended by someone asking for black coffee, anymore than you would be by someone asking for white coffee.' THANK YOU MADAM

I can't stand all this snowflake bollocks.

No, you can't just go about saying whatever you like anymore. You can't be racist or homophobic or just a dick in general. People are calling out all the knobs of the world and rightly so.

I've been walking through town holding my wife's hand and had someone shout disgusting abuse at us. Yes I found that offensive.

I have been asked what we will do when I want my own children (we have two kids my wife gave birth to who are very much my children) I find that offensive every single time.

Shoot me.

The second can also be this, but is more likely to be an intellectual, considered response ("I find that offensive because ... rather than simply feeling offence) and it's that kind of response that's more likely to be part of a 'snowflake' culture

But, what is wrong with people taking and intellectual considered approach to explain why they think something is wrong?

I feel that all the people who shout "snowflake" really want to be able to say whatever they want without anybody making any conflicting comments. They are uncomfortable with the fact that many people nowadays consider other people, want to be kind and celebrate our differences. There's actually nothing wrong with caring for others and considering their feelings and viewpoints.

Same thing when white people try to claim that people of colour are too sensitive when they have no idea how much well-intended but ultimately racist comments can sting, like someone on the meghan m thread who insulted everyone with meghan's skin tone Any one with common sense and who didn't have there head up their arses would no their comment would e deemed offensive by most people who are born with that skin tone.

I think that NOT being offended or hurt or or otherwise effected by other people's words and opinions is more indicative of a narcissistic personality. A true narcissist wouldn't care what other people thought of them.

And as for that old nonsense about sticks and stones. The people saying it held true for them show a shocking lack of empathy. Just because the words they heard didn't seem to hurt them doesn't mean that other people hearing different words in different contexts won't be wounded by then.

I grew up being told by my mum (quite casually) that if abortion had been legal when I was conceived she would not have had me. Do people seriously think that something like that hearing something like that doesn't change a child?

The OP was probably the best thing I've ever read on here and I agree 100%. It's a lesson I've learned as I've got older - that if someone says something offensive to me I have a choice. I can internalise it and let it lower my mood. Or I can happily judge them for having no manners and let it wash over me. I get that it's a difficult concept to grasp and that it can be hard to differentiate from an assertion that behaving offensively is ok. I'm Jewish. I won't go into the context but at work I'm subjected to a lot of low level antisemitism. Little stereotypes slipping out. It doesn't bother me. Truly it doesn't. My colleagues aren't bad people and they're generally lovely. But due to a combination of misunderstanding, lack of specific knowledge and upbringing they have certain thought processes which manifest as opinions which modern society deems racist. Now what on earth does that have to do with my emotional wellbeing?

In fairness quencher, you’re right about that comment, it was really unpleasant.

There is a marked difference between be by offended because someone found Ricky Gervais funny, and being offended because - for example - you're the subject of homophobic abuse. Let's not lump it all in to one category. One affects a person, the other does not, and I agree with a pp, people now use the 'ooh snowflake' trope to defend their awful sexist, racist or homophobic views. Accusing someone of being offended is putting the onus over your vile comments on to them, not you.

And having the ability to 'choose' to not be offended comes from a real place of privilege. I'm not sure POC can choose not to be offended by racism, or women choose not to be offended by sexual violence

feel that all the people who shout "snowflake" really want to be able to say whatever they want without anybody making any conflicting comments. They are uncomfortable with the fact that many people nowadays consider other people, want to be kind and celebrate our differences. There's actually nothing wrong with caring for others and considering their feelings and viewpoints.
I also think they love diversity as long as it's their way. They can celebrate, use, abuse, and take as long as you don't mention the history of why other people feel anger that one group can enjoy what used to be or is something they are punished or ostracised for.

Loonon parents have a duty to their children that your mother broke horribly.

The old rhyme of sticks and stones with which parents armed their own children against the taunts of playmates had its place in the playground between those of equal age and strength. It's like Newton's law, it has its recognised limitations imo.

Being angry, hurt, offended etc are different reactions to a perceived dominance challenge, depending on how you view the relative social strength of yourself and the other person.

Social primates like humans are all about monitoring and maintaining the pecking order and keeping themselves high up in it.

Abuse and violence need a stronger reaction than offence taking in my understanding of the OP' s question about being offended.

I am for self preservation and action against abuse!

And having the ability to 'choose' to not be offended comes from a real place of privilege. I'm not sure POC can choose not to be offended by racism, or women choose not to be offended by sexual violence I think if you can see your self past the comment, it means you don't see how it affects your life everyday. The concept is not hard to grasp. You can decide to say "I will not let that get to me" but it does not mean the comment was not offensive.
Actually, what the op is talking about is not that the comment is offensive, (in the grand scheme of things it's irrelevant) but whether you an voice your view on it or not. Irony.

We all come at these topics from our own perspective:

I know people for whom voicing their offendedness is the tip of the iceberg. They are chewed up with the whole emotional cycle and it's that process that I think is doing them harm. I am not offended by them, even when they've turned their anger on me. I defend myself where I think it helps and protect myself by mostly by avoidance nowadays!

They are the ones my posts are addressed to I suppose.

And for my kids I want to get them out of a taking offence mode.

I hate bullies with a passion. I consider the offence takers in my life to be a type of bully!

I agree koya. Words are not just sound waves, it's how we express to each other, and when people express hate and violence then someone can 'choose' to accept it right-o. I'll remember that next time someone comes on MN to say their 13 yo DD was shouted on the street at to get her tits out.

I don't entirely disagree with the OP, but some of these comments sound a lot like an idiot's guide to becoming an apologist.

The old rhyme of sticks and stones with which parents armed their own children against the taunts of playmates had its place in the playground between those of equal age and strength. It's like Newton's law, it has its recognised limitations imo. I wonder if the war had anything to do with this concept.
The fact that lots of men came back emotionally and physically scarred. Not from emotional abuse but what went on in the trenches. They then would have held the view the view what they went through was more emotionally draining and the effects of it worse than someone hauling abuse at you down the road. I could be wrong but I will put my money on this one.

koyaanisqatsi. hi ‘that poster’. Yet another name change?

The old rhyme of sticks and stones with which parents armed their own children against the taunts of playmates had its place in the playground between those of equal age and strength

I agree - my mum changed the ending - she said we kids should pay special heed to it growing up... she placed an equal significance on mental and physical health and bullying.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me...

became

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can break my heart.

And I’m not engaging with you anymore. I know you just try and wind people up so you can report them.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can break my heart. this is a much better saying, im going to adopt it into my household.

I'm not sure if offence is exactly an emotional response. Feeling hurt is one I think and I don't think we can help being hurt by certain comments a lot of the time. Feeling offended, the way I see it used a lot of the time, seems different to me.