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AIBU?

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Original poster

What happens when someone feels offended?

143 replies

Justmyownself · 25/03/2018 22:22

Just that really.

I believe that people choose to feel offended, or angry, or sad or whatever emotion they think is relevant to the circumstances.

For example, words are literally just soundwaves. We hear them, consider them, and then attach meaning to them. Consequently we choose an emotion which corresponds to that meaning.

So, if I am overweight but genuienly have no issues with it, and someone makes a remark about my size, I may not choose to attach any meaning to their words because they are of no interest to me. If on the other hand, I am self concious about my weight, if it's an issue for me, then i might choose to attach meaning to that persons words. As acknowledgment of them forces me to confront an issue which makes me uncomfortable.

But what actually happens when someone feels offended? Ok, they might feel bad, but surely that feeling is their own responsibility?

As far as I can see nothing actually happens. The world still turns, the sun still rises. But nothing really happens. You could choose to feel so offended by something that you have to sit in a corner, rocking back and forth while dribbling all over yourself. But nothing actually happens.

Im not talking about obvious criminal offences like public order, as those obviously have legal implications. Im talking about the everyday "offences" which for some reason people seem obsessed about being offended by.

It sometimes feels like being offended by something is just a form of attention seeking. Are grown adults really that weak of character? To me, it sometimes feels like there are no adults in the world anymore. Just a bunch of characterless, over sensitive, narcissistic individuals.

I've got my flame proof knickers on just in case!

OP posts:
missymayhemsmum · 25/03/2018 22:49

Being offended often comes from having your ego and self-pride bruised. We all have an idea of ourselves and where we sit in the social world. When someone challenges that idea it hurts us. Since we depend for survival on our place in the tribe, being offended and being aware that we are offending others is a useful check.
Some people use being offended as an avoidance of legitimate challenge, though.

mirime · 25/03/2018 22:50

@teaandtoast

Well, it's derided on here, but I grew up with 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me'.

My grandmother told me that many years ago after we saw on the news a story about a teenage girl who killed herself after being bullied, from the report out had been mainly verbal.

I disagreed with her then, and disagree with you now. Having been bullied, I have to say having multiple people hurl verbal abuse at you throughout the day is, to put it mildly, not pleasant. I tried the ignoring and not reacting thing, it didn't work. Maybe if it's one or two people it would, but my whole class plus some people in other classes in my year would join in. Eventually kids in other years ago I didn't even know would shout abuse at me.

How long could you ignore that for? I had it on and off (in the 'off' times I was 'just' ostracized) for three years. Silly snowflake me though, getting upset.

thenightsky · 25/03/2018 22:50

TeandToast I too was brought up to the chant of 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me'. Yes, it did work for me too (child of the 60s/70s).

abitdowninthedumps · 25/03/2018 22:50

Why does my c&p in bold always fail on the app?? Top part is meant to be in bold!

thenightsky · 25/03/2018 22:51

Cross-posted with mirime. That sounds horrendous! Not sure it would have worked for me under those circumstances tbh Shock.

RJnomore1 · 25/03/2018 22:51

@mirime

Good and interesting point and I think we are having a different discussion but hey!

I wonder why in a society where (most) people have plenty to eat anorexia is prevalent for example. I guess the answer lies in eg Maslow where we focus on higher order needs and when they aren't met there can be a physical response?

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2018 22:55

"I must admit that I don't tend to get offended and I don't really get people who do. I suppose it's about feeling that you entitled to feeling comfortable at all times and reacting badly when someone makes you uncomfortable. I just don't really get it."

Why not turn it around and look at it as why does the person speaking think that they have the right to make others uncomfortable, or directly insult that person's whole family/culture etc, without getting a reaction.

To suggest that emotions aren't real is ridiculous.

MimpiDreams · 25/03/2018 22:59

I was the same mirime

Autistic child of the 70s and verbally bullied relentlessly my entire childhood. Fucking 'sticks and stones ...' shit was the only input I got from the adults around me. Even after attempting suicide as a teenager. I'm almost 50 now and still in therapy because of those words that can never hurt me.

MsRagnell · 25/03/2018 23:04

Someone hurts my feelings the way I see it there are 2 scenarios to deal with -

I. Does the person mean to hurt me?

If so they have the problem and the defect as it were. I don't rate their opinion so I don't take offence.

  1. They don't mean to hurt me. How can I then get offended? They made a gaffemor they perhaps wanted to give advice. I cut them slack.

I did used to take offence when younger. I'm not sure when I stopped.

You can train your responses to a certain extent.

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2018 23:04

RJnomore!, no it isn't anything to do with Maslows hierarchy of needs.

Anorexia is a Mental health issue.

We are our brain. Our Mental Health can be easily undone, by our experiences. Take PTSD, (and the old shell shock) once thought that a character flaw.

Torture methods of shouting verbal abuse in a prisoners face, keeping them in isolation etc, can forever destroy MH. So can being in a DV relationship, abusive (but not physical) childhood. Seeing someone killed in front of you, could change you forever, does that make you a snowflake?

DiegoMadonna · 25/03/2018 23:06

Most people don't get to choose what emotion to feel but taking offence is not an emotion so let's put that to one side

Eh? What is the meaning of "taking offence" if it's not feeling upset/angry about something (which are emotions, obviously)

MsRagnell · 25/03/2018 23:07

Dealing with bullying in childhood is a whole other area to adult interactions.

Lupiform · 25/03/2018 23:09

@RJnomore1 I actually wonder if as humans we need conflict and as most of us no longer live in war zones or with real constant threat to life we produce it for ourselves?

I have an only child. When she was little, about 3, she used to come in from watching CBeebies to complain that her soft toy was deliberately blocking her view of the television and could I come and tell it off. I came to the same conclusion as you. In the absence of siblings, she had invented a way to have a pointless squabble because she somehow needed it.

However as to adults feeling offended, well, I would find it extremely hard not be be offended by, say, racism or sexism as they both affect me directly, in different ways and at different times. You can call me a special snowflake and why can't I just have a sense of humour about it etc and honestly I don't care. I do care if someone is racist or sexist towards me and I will be offended because it actually does matter and make a difference to my life. I wouldn't see being offended in that situation as a bad thing. The offence of being treated badly has led to people thinking enough is enough and actually changing society for the better eg integration in the US.

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2018 23:10

This reply has been deleted

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Custardo · 25/03/2018 23:10

theres load goin on n this question
something about societal norms and the need to belong

but also i want to turn this around somewhat - i think there is a massive backlash going on at the moment against incusivity of any monority in society - and the way people do this is by using the word 'snowflake'

to insist on using a reductive term for someone who finds behaviours which fundmentally oppose inclusivity of whatever kind is the goto phrase of the ill informed and ignorant in my experience.

NotTerfNorCis · 25/03/2018 23:18

People who never get offended might end up being steamrollered over because they don't care about anything. Pretty sure most people are capable of being offended by some things.

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2018 23:21

Absolutely Custardo, there is a rise in Right Wing Politics and an attempt at the erosion of the Welfare State and Human Rights. It's a label used on anyone that doesn't want to go backwards.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 25/03/2018 23:21

Brown noise is only sound waves too, and that has a fairly strong effect...

Bundlesmads · 25/03/2018 23:22

What happens when someone feels offended?

They come on Mumsnet and whinge about how offended they are. I thought everyone knew that?

lougle · 25/03/2018 23:24

Sometimes someone can say something with one intention, but unwittingly cause hurt/offence to someone else by the subtext of their comment.

An example:

DH put some washing on and said "I'd be quite happy if I died and went to heaven now, I think. I can't stand flipping weekends, they're so monotonous with washing, drying, washing drying..."

Now, looking back, I can see that he was only talking in terms of the boredom of domestic routine, with young children, getting uniforms ready for school on Monday, etc. At that moment, I felt like he'd stabbed me through the heart, because what I heard was "the part of the week when we're finally all together is the most boring part of the week for me and in fact I'd rather die than be here, at the weekend."

Why did I feel like that? Probably because this week has been a huge battle with all three children at school, I've been feeling unwell, supporting my unwell parents, DH and I have been tag-teaming all week, etc., So the weekend is like the 'finishing line' for us of a hard week.

So, no. You can't just boil reactions down to choice. They are complex, layered, and deeply instinctive, often. They are what makes us human. I'm glad I'm human.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 25/03/2018 23:25

Also, on a more relevant point I know people who would agree with you on the taking offense thing but, when Margaret Thatcher died were disgusted by the joking/ding dong the witch is dead jokes (and I agreed actually that it was in very poor taste even though I don't agree politically...) so everyone is offended by something - millennial and baby boomers and all

mirime · 25/03/2018 23:25

@RJnomore1

As I understand it how some mental illness and mental distress is expressed can be influenced by cultural factors.

MsRagnell · 25/03/2018 23:27

I was talking about "taking offence" as an adult as I see it played out in the world around me. It's a neverending low level aggro with some.

If someone ABUSES me it's no use simply taking offence.

angryburd · 25/03/2018 23:28

So having feelings and allowing them to be hurt is "personal responsibility". Does that also apply to not being a rude arsehole who doesn't care about hurting people's feelings?

Carouselfish · 25/03/2018 23:29

High five OP.
Chickens with their feathers puffed up 'bock bock' ing around huffily.