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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

2 parties- 1 date. First invite takes priority?

77 replies

Rory786 · 25/03/2018 21:19

DD1 is 5. She was given a birthday invite 2-3 weeks

Now SIL has invited all of us to go to her place for a party, its 2 hours away and 2 hours before the birthday invite.

For me, its a matter of principle and the first invite takes priority, but dh is saying its silly as his sister's party is more closer and involves the whole family going so we should go to that.
WWYD?

OP posts:

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 25/03/2018 22:53

I had to renage on an accepted invite for middle dd once. OH had rsvp to his nephews birthday but didn’t think to let me know or put it in the shared calendar.

Apologised profusely to the host but it was a whole class party and not a close friend of dd and was 1 week before the party. They were absolutely fine and we still chat at the school gates now so no harm done.

Itmakesthereaderreadon · 25/03/2018 22:54

At least you bothered to reply. Most parents round here don't even bother, so it's pot luck who turns up. Only party we ever threw where we definitely knew, was a trampoline par yt? Where people signed a waiver-and even then 2 pulled out.

It's a kid's party. Everyone understands that a. No one actually wants to give up 3 hours of their weekend and b.no one actually notices who's there or not. Dd once bottled it (aged 4) as. We walked in. I left the present and off we went. She's still been invited to subsequent parties.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 25/03/2018 22:55

You’ll have to suck it up and go to the first party. Can’t be helped but would definitely be very rude to cry off for a better invite. Probably wouldn’t make you very popular at the school gate either.

clairedelalune · 25/03/2018 22:55

I think you (or rather your daughter) should attend the friend's party. What if everybody who accepted the invite came up with an excuse? Send your husband to family gathering and either join him later or hear about it when he gets home (or see if a friend cam take daughter to her party). I would be disgruntled too that we/I was missing out, but that's life.... You make a commitment and honour it.

MacaroniPenguin · 25/03/2018 22:58

I missed exactly when the party is but I don't think you can assume the school friend has had a million acceptances and one pulling out won't make an iota of difference.

They might only have a handful of replies and/or a lot of declines, especially if it's in the hols. Hall and entertainer booked doesn't necessarily mean loads of children invited, let alone loads accepted.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/03/2018 23:00

I think apologise to school mom, say DH commited to large family gathering and you hadn't realised it clashed.
It's party in a hall so she hasn't paid out specific x per child

People are being unreasonable if they'd hold this against you

Nocabbageinmyeye · 25/03/2018 23:02

Ah I see, definitely school friends party so

Butttons · 25/03/2018 23:17

What does your Dd want to do?

SadieHH · 26/03/2018 07:54

In future don’t rsvp to school parties until the week before.

Nice. And to hell with the parent trying to work out if anyone is coming to her child’s party. The number of threads I see on here about parties, people not replying, not turning up etc etc and I always wondered who does this sort of thing. Now I know.

pigshavecurlytails · 26/03/2018 08:52

In future don’t rsvp to school parties until the week before

Or grow up and learn some manners

CecilyNeville · 26/03/2018 09:01

When DS was in Reception, one of the parents who had confirmed her child's attendance early on came up to me in the playground shortly before and said, "my son can't come to your son's party anymore - we're going to my sister's instead". Not for a celebration or anything! Just 'going to her sisters'.

She was really nice and smiley, and also so matter of fact - I would have been grovelling and apologising if I had to drop a child out of a party. Some people must just see prior engagements and acceptances in a completely different way to most of us.

It's good form to stick to party invitations (unless through illness), and agree with other that DH should go to his family, and you and DD should go to hers.

worridmum · 26/03/2018 09:32

If you do drop out be prepared to be known as that parent and invites dry up.

PorkFlute · 26/03/2018 09:34

Why can’t your dp go to his sisters? Your dd will be bored to death at an adult party - really selfish of him to expect her to miss it so he can parade her round his family.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/03/2018 09:59

Its a big family gathering so unlikely she'll be the only child. Perhaps she'd like to see her cousins.

Op and dp would rather go to the family do, DC will likely enjoy both.

Apologise properly, tell her there was a mix up of dates, be honest about where you are going

FlouncyDoves · 26/03/2018 10:03

Go to the friend’s party. It teaches your DD a good lesson too.

HollyBayTree · 26/03/2018 10:05

School relationships are important, these are the people your child spend 6-7 hours a day with.

Extended family, well, they will always be there. Ther will be more parties Frankly if SIL leaves it until the last minute to send invites out, she has to accept some family member shave prior engagements.

And if truth be know, its an ILs party - your DH wants to go, he wants you to drink, so he can get wankered with his relatives and you can drive him home!

Th child will enjoy her peer party more than watching a load of relatives get tanked up.

HollyBayTree · 26/03/2018 10:06

Typo - your DH wants to go, he wants you to drive, so he can get wankered with his relatives and you can drive him home!

Ginger1982 · 26/03/2018 10:09

You need to go to the first party. The Mum will have paid for your DD. You can see family any time.

PorkFlute · 26/03/2018 10:12

Maybe there will be other kids, maybe not. My kids cousins are 15 years older!
I’m sure the child would rather be at her friends party which the op has already accepted the invitation to. Nothing stopping the ops oh going to his sisters do and catching up with his side of the family.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/03/2018 10:20

I just think if I'd paid for a room partt and someone explained ot clashed with a family do then I'd understand, not forever ostracise her kid like some on here are saying.
DH wants to go to fanily don. DD properly does want to go to kids party. OP wants to go to family party but that doesn't matter because that isn't important

Queenofthedrivensnow · 26/03/2018 12:18

You can't renege an rsvp because something else you like more came up. I would worry the parent has already spent money on my child and feel too guilty.
At 5 you need to make the effort and meet the other families and make sure your child is socially included.

kaytee87 · 26/03/2018 12:20

I agree with you, you've already rsvp'd to the party. It's really rude when people cancel because something better came along.
Your DH can go by himself.

NFATR · 26/03/2018 12:24

Has even one person suggested the radical idea of asking the child where they would rather go? OR do they just not count at all in the battle of where they should be?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/03/2018 15:59

NFATR well the OP's needs aren't important so why would the child's. The only think that matters is manners

Original poster

Rory786 · 26/03/2018 17:37

Good news guys.
DH misunderstood SIL and her party is the day after the school fellow's birthday party! What a relief!!
Now DD can go to both.
I took the opportunity to say to DH that I think as a family we definitely should be united that the first party rsvp has the priority. I think its good for the kids to see that too. I'm just really relieved right now. DD is very shy and the invites have really boosted her confidence. This child is not even her age, but invited her so I was really touched by that.
Thank you for all the replies, will show them to DH later on!

OP posts:

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