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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 parties- 1 date. First invite takes priority?

77 replies

Rory786 · 25/03/2018 21:19

DD1 is 5. She was given a birthday invite 2-3 weeks

Now SIL has invited all of us to go to her place for a party, its 2 hours away and 2 hours before the birthday invite.

For me, its a matter of principle and the first invite takes priority, but dh is saying its silly as his sister's party is more closer and involves the whole family going so we should go to that.
WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rory786 · 25/03/2018 22:09

Sorry for drip feeding, SIL has invited all of her siblings and their families, so approx. 40 people. That is why DH wants to go, I do too, but I think it looks bad and I cant work out how to say it to the mum without it sounding awful.
If SIL's party was in the eve, we could do both!

OP posts:
Butttons · 25/03/2018 22:09

Your DD is 5, there are going to be tonnes of kids there - she likely won't be missed if she's not a best friend of the birthday child. I'm having a party for my 5-yr old in a few weeks, if one of the mums who'd already accepted texted me and sAid they'd been invited to a family do on the same date and had to decline I'd hardly ignore her for the rest of time. These things happen. Why don't you offer to have a play date with the birthday child another day? That way at least the two little ones can spend a bit of quality time together.

MacaroniPenguin · 25/03/2018 22:15

I think you stick with the one you've replied to. Maybe you take DD to that and your DH plus any other children go to SIL's.

TatianaLarina · 25/03/2018 22:16

You’ve already accepted so that’s that. DD goes her party and your DH goes to SILs.

PorkFlute · 25/03/2018 22:17

Will the family be staying for the day? You could head over after the party?

HolyShet · 25/03/2018 22:19

is it a best friend, then, or just a kid neither you nor she could point out in the playground?

how often do all DH family get together like this? might there be a special reason?

I've 3 kids, third now half way through primary - honestly, if its a big hall/not pay per head type party no-one will notice if she's there or not, and the parents will think its very sweet if you send a gift.

TatianaLarina · 25/03/2018 22:19

It’s SILs fault for arranging at short notice without checking you’d be available or issuing a save the date. It’s not the end of the world for your DD to miss.

This is all about your DH and what he wants to do. Why should you and DD be rude to her friend on his account? He can still go himself.

Iloveacurry · 25/03/2018 22:20

Is your DD looking forward to her friend’s party? If she’s anything like my DD its ‘how long to so and so’s party?’. She might be disappointed not to be going.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 25/03/2018 22:22

Could your DD go to her party with another Friend?

ballerini · 25/03/2018 22:23

If you want to go to SIL's party go!
You could say you stayed there the night before and had car trouble or family emergency so couldn't get back for the party. Still give the 5 yr old a present.
If I was the 5 yr old's mother I'd accept that things come up!

applesandpears56 · 25/03/2018 22:24

You should take dd to her party
Your oh should go to sil’s party

You are entirely right first invite wins

WeAllHaveWings · 25/03/2018 22:25

In future don’t rsvp to school parties until the week before.

Tell school mum an important family occasion has come up which you need to travel to. Most mums know a full class party if not closest friends isn’t a top priority for most people.

steff13 · 25/03/2018 22:25

What do you mean SIL's party is "more closer?" It's two hours away, is the friend's party more than two hours away? What day are the parties?

knowsmorethansnow · 25/03/2018 22:30

You have already said you would go to the first party it’s tough. Explain your family they will understand.

PorkFlute · 25/03/2018 22:37

I was confused by ‘more closer’ but I think it means that sils party is earlier in the day?
I doubt a classmate is going to be travelling north of 2 hrs to school each day!

AnnieAnoniMouser · 25/03/2018 22:38

If it’s an all class party I’d phone the party girl’s Mum and explain the situation. It’s really not a big deal if 20 or so kids have been invited. It’s not often you get the whole wider family together.

Are you able to invite the Birthday Girl over for tea after school or for a few hours one weekend?

teaandtoast · 25/03/2018 22:41

Do you have other kids? Is dh wanting you there as child-wrangler? Or does he think it'd look bad?

janizary · 25/03/2018 22:42

Can't you blame dp, as it's his family and him keen to cancel birthday party to go, and say he rsvp'd to the family one weeks ago and you didn't know/didn't realise it was same weekend?

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 25/03/2018 22:42

I think I’d try and fudge an excuse. Maybe, with DH’’s agreement to take the blame as he wants to break protocol, apologise, blame DH for crossed wires and a diary clash that you’ve only just realised and explain its a big family party that you’re expected to attend, blah, blah, blah.

Usually I’d say first accepted is the one to stick with, however the two invites don’t equate to me. One party for DD where her absence probably won’t be felt too badly or the second invite that benefits all of you.

ItsuAddict · 25/03/2018 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Rory786 · 25/03/2018 22:48

to explain, "closer" as in relatives. not closer as in distance.

I think DH should be the one to explain.

OP posts:
PinkAvocado · 25/03/2018 22:49

I’ve read on here before of parties for children where so many pull out that the child is left with hardly any attending. An adult will understand better than a child and you’ve already RSVPd. The parents of the child who’s party it is have made an effort to be organised so it seems unfair to back out.

AjasLipstick · 25/03/2018 22:49

There's no question....you go to the schoolfriend's party! You accepted.

BackforGood · 25/03/2018 22:51

Am really surprised at the replies on here.
You just contact the school mum - speak to her, and say, "Look, I'm really sorry but we're going to have to drop out. My SiL has arranged a big family get together that we didn't know about, but it will be the only chance this year we get to get the whole family together. I know it's really rude to pull out once we've accepted the invitation, but I'm sure you'll understand that dh wants to see all his siblings / cousins etc?"

Other Mum says "Of course, don't give it a second thought" and is secretly relieved that is one less for the manic, huge party she has invited the whole class to.

Yes, 'First on the calendar' is absolutely the right starting point, but in truth, "life" happens to everyone. If this were a small gathering of 8 people she'd paid for at a soft play or adventure park it would be different, but it's a mass party in a hall. It won't make one iota of difference to the birthday child or Mum if you are there or not, but it will be sad for you all to miss the extended family party.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 25/03/2018 22:53

I think in this case I'd chat to the mum. If she's had loads of RSVPs and isn't too stressed about the party, I think it's ok to drop out and I think most people would understand that family comes first. Esp if you send a gift in any case.

However, if the mum hasn't had any replies and (for example) says that her child is struggling to make friends, then it would be better to go to the party and explain to your family.