Partner in bed all day sick. Aibu?

[Kittysparks1]

Ok, partner was up last night being sick. He slept on the sofa. I got up with baby at 7am and told him to go get his head down for a few hours. He came downstairs once today, laid on the sofa for 10 minutes then announced he was going back to bed where he has been ever since.

Must be nice to be able to rest when you are ill. I was in exactly the same position a few weeks ago yet was up, co parenting, pushing through because we are both knackered (night wakings with baby). I've been really poorly before and it's just expected that I get up, struggle to look after the baby, he goes to work without a thought.

I know I'm being unreasonable. He is ill. But I feel resentful, even though I've rationally discussed this with myself in my head all day. I'm trying to ignore it. I've been out and got him some energy drinks/giving him meds/offered food/being understanding and sympathetic.

Have any of you been in this position and felt injustice or am I just not very nice?

I don’t think you can give him a hard time just because you’re willing to play the martyr and coparent when ill. Just stay in bed next time

Hi Kitty, the next time you’re poorly make sure you get your dh to take the day off to look after dc and you rest up in bed. Tell him you can’t go near dc incase contagious. It’ll do your dh good to get some one to one bonding time in!

I do not understand why you're so frustrated with him OP. You know he's ill so he's been in bed all day. When you're ill you won't stay in bed because you parent better in your opinion. Although it does sound like it's because you like to be in control of things. It's not your husbands fault you won't stay in bed, is it?

Really flummoxed to why you think anyone would agree you weren't being unreasonable!

Just wanted to state that I wouldn't give him a hard time. He is ill.
I just thought I felt a little resentful but realise that it's not resent, it's frustration at myself for not resting when I'm ill myself. Which has nothing to do with my partner.

I knew from the off I was being unreasonable.

OP - I almost have the opposite problem. My DP hangs around the house, sniffing, moaning and clinging to the walls and spreading his germs, instead of going to bed. drives me nuts.
Next time you are ill, GO TO BED. You will recover more quickly and won't feel so resentful. I know that feeling, it's horrible.

I've had a virus for 11 days now and still feel so tired and weak so I have sympathy for your partner if he has the same thing.
Resentment will eat up at you and ruin your relationship. Maybe tell him how you feel when he's a bit better and if you are overwhelmed again don't be afraid to take some time out. He'll manage.

If both off work the sick adult goes to bed, if one has to work then the sick adult just gets on with it unless incapable of looking after the children (rare) and if both sick we pull together.

@Sprinklesinmyelbow my partner does look after the baby, he does everything for him but he works full time so if I'm ill he unfortunately can't take time off to help.

I don’t even understand the point about not being able to bear hearing your child cry for you - you’re ill! You can’t be that ill if you’re lying there longing to comfort your baby. Christ last weekend I barely remembered I had any babies, I hardly knew my name. Not exactly going to go and comfort them so I can puke infected vomit all over their heads

Ah lozxx that’s different to OP then when they’re both at home?

we sometimes feel a bit hard done by and have a whinge. Can you claim you never have?

Of course but not if it’s my own choice! OPs husband has done nothing wrong here. It’s not his fault OP doesn’t want to go to bed when she isn’t sick.

I totally understand.

As I'm part time, if ill on a day not at work with an under school age child, I have to struggle through.

Dh can take the day off and stay in bed. I've only even been able to at the weekend but to be honest I do still have to do a few things compared to him, as he's not really got a clue.

To be fair, he rarely takes a day off but has had bad viruses/ flu the last two years. It's usually me who is ill.

I've never forgotten the look of realisation ok my mils face when she told me how my bil (with a child) deals with severe tonsillitis- just goes to bed for a week. As if that was the holy grail of getting over tonsillitis. I pointed out I could't do that. Her face flooded with realisation about the way he was privileged due to being full time (teacher, I am too but part time) and no need to worry about looking after a child when really ill. Dh won't take time off when I'm ill as he runs his own business. She offered to come and help but the reality is that can't happen as they're old and 3 hours drive away.

I'm in awe of SAHMs as a result.

I think there’s ill and ILL. I felt a bit resentful when I’d had fevers and colds etc, and had to soldier on and look after baby as my husband was at work, whereas if he was ill and off work he would spend the day in bed. There was a time when I had horrible D&V and I was up all night and my husband was due to drive to the other side of the country for a meeting in the morning, but he actually cancelled the meeting so he could look after the baby and I could go to bed. I have never felt so grateful! Equally, when he is really ill (like the flu), I’m quite happy to look after the baby and him too. We kind of know when the other person is really struggling and look out for each other.

When it’s something milder it’s just a case of getting on with it, although I do end up feeling sorry for myself and swearing a lot.

He’s vomiting. I would rather he stays away from the child. I have a child with a lowered immune system. I get ill a lot, my partner never eats ill. He ends up doing a lot and I rest in bed away, especially while vomiting. If she catches it and he also has it we power through together but I don’t understand why you wouldn’t try and rest at least for a few hours if you are ill. You can’t complain if you have chosen to do all the work. It’s hard but letting him do more when he isn’t ill is good. My little one now favours her dad over me and I get told (by a hand sign and a grunt) to go away or leave the room. It’s sweet because our first was very much a mummy’s girl and it’s nice to see him have such a strong bond with our youngest. I put it down to him being so much more involved because she needed 2:1 care. Different circumstances I know.

When a man is ill, he's dying. When you're ill, you need to soldier on..

I find this so wrong. Anecdotally I am the one go is always sick and I’m the woman. Also, I read somewhere that men (in general) find illness harder. (Don’t know how true hat is.) But blanket statements like that are stupid. Unless it was a joke and I’m not reading it well.

That was to Certcert.

I'm a single parent so I understand how hard it is looking after children when ill. Which is why I'd never stand for a partner expecting me to "soldier on" if he was at home. And I wouldn't put pressure on myself to do so unnecessarily either. Relationships are supposed to make life easier surely?
Also, best to stay away from young children when ill as far as is possible.

DH has cancelled 6 work meetings and stayed home to look after me and dds when I had a vomiting bug.

Unless it was a joke and I’m not reading it well.

This

I don't feel like you. When I'm ill,Dh does everything.
when he is ill, rarely, I do everything.

Certcert I see, I’m glad I added that bit lol. It’s hard and to tell sometimes on here.

Remove the “and”.

No worries, QuackPorridgeBacon 😊

Meh I've been in bed ill all weekend, whilst my husband looked after baby and me. Now I'm on the mend and he's ill, and he's in bed whilst I look after baby and him.

If you choose to soldiering, when you don't have to, then that's your own daft fault.