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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner in bed all day sick. Aibu?

100 replies

Kittysparks1 · 25/03/2018 19:22

Ok, partner was up last night being sick. He slept on the sofa. I got up with baby at 7am and told him to go get his head down for a few hours. He came downstairs once today, laid on the sofa for 10 minutes then announced he was going back to bed where he has been ever since.

Must be nice to be able to rest when you are ill. I was in exactly the same position a few weeks ago yet was up, co parenting, pushing through because we are both knackered (night wakings with baby). I've been really poorly before and it's just expected that I get up, struggle to look after the baby, he goes to work without a thought.

I know I'm being unreasonable. He is ill. But I feel resentful, even though I've rationally discussed this with myself in my head all day. I'm trying to ignore it. I've been out and got him some energy drinks/giving him meds/offered food/being understanding and sympathetic.

Have any of you been in this position and felt injustice or am I just not very nice?

OP posts:

Idontknowwhatithink · 25/03/2018 19:48

I've been in your position and had a DP who went off to work and told me I had to just get on with it.

I've had colds back to back for the ;last six weeks and i've kept going because I've had to, I have a baby and a toddler. I'm now ill. Another cold, mouthful od ulcers, trapped nerve in my back and feel completely wiped out so I've spent today doing absolutely nothing and feel like shit.

Allow him to be ill so he can get better quicker and next time you're ill DON'T be a martyr!! When he's at home hand over to him and go to bed!

anneoneill · 25/03/2018 19:48

My poor partner with such a selfish woman!!

He's definitely got a childish woman.

Original poster

Kittysparks1 · 25/03/2018 19:49

Oh god no, he isn't abusive. It's just me being tired (night wakings) and moany.

OP posts:

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 25/03/2018 19:52

Sorry, are you saying you don’t leave your baby with his father because you’re a better parent?

AnyFucker · 25/03/2018 19:53

Is your husband not an equal parent then ?

AnyFucker · 25/03/2018 19:55

Sorry partner

Although it doesn't sound much like a "partnership" if you have to drag yourself from your sickbed because of his "inferior" parenting

AnyFucker · 25/03/2018 19:56

Zibbi, yes. That's exactly what op just said

Original poster

Kittysparks1 · 25/03/2018 19:57

That came out so wrong. I'm just going to get flamed!

But I didn't mean I'm the better parent. I just know how to settle him/routine and he is quite clingy.

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 25/03/2018 19:58

you say its your chnoice to get up when ill so whats the problem

FairyMcHairy · 25/03/2018 19:58

And how often does your partner get given the opportunity to settle your baby without your interference?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 25/03/2018 19:59

How will your partner get better at knowing this stuff if you don’t leave the baby with him? Sounds a bit controlling tbh.

Original poster

Kittysparks1 · 25/03/2018 19:59

Which I think just naturally comes down to my partner only spending an hour a day during the week with him due to working hours. I'm not better. I've just had more time to practice m.

OP posts:

Storminateapot · 25/03/2018 19:59

Oh OP I'd give up now, the vipers have come out to play.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 25/03/2018 20:01

So it sounds like weekends should be handed over to your partner then so he can catch up on lost time.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 25/03/2018 20:02

OP< your attitude is exactly why some men just gave up. I would.
If they can't do anything right with the baby, can't be trusted with their own child even when the other partner is in the same house, then fair enough to just go to bed and sleep through the night.
So what if your partner doesn't handle the baby the way you do? So what if he has a different routine?

You cannot refuse to let him have the baby (or keep criticising whatever he's doing, which is probably worst) and then claim that it's unfair he stays in bed when unwell. You would't allow him to have the baby even if he was up anyway!

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 25/03/2018 20:03

Your partner is his dad. He has the right to parent him however he likes. Who cares if a nap gets missed? You’re ill!

Ansumpasty · 25/03/2018 20:03

YANBU for feeling resentful. My husband works away. When he’s ill, he stays off work and stays in bed all day. I live in fear of getting ill because I’d still have to do everything for our young children as we have no family about.
I had the closest I’ve ever had to proper flu the year before last and it was just hell. I sat on the floor and cried because we had no food in and I was too weak to get the kids ready and to the shops. So yes, I feel you!

Finola1step · 25/03/2018 20:05

Oh Kitty! Rod and back springs to mind.

Steamcloud · 25/03/2018 20:05

Anyfucker/Sprinklesinmyyellow

I know it doesn't sound like it, but my DH is actually not a crap parent or husband (he is more naturally maternal than me for example) but he happens to have a job that never stops. Some people do.

I've obviously got the wrong end of the stick with this thread. I thought the op was complaining about the fact that her DH can leave for work "without a thought" when she was ill. This is not the same for sahms (although it's much easier of course to be able to avoid the commute and take it easy at home). It is still hard sometimes though.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 25/03/2018 20:07

None of us are born knowing how to parent. We learn through trial and error. Your baby didn’t come with a manual only you can understand, you had to learn all you know now and even then, you aren’t perfect. There will Be times your baby cries whilst with you and you miss a nap or misinterpret his cries. Your partner is entitled to the same chance as you’ve had to learn this stuff. It’s not up to you to allow it. It’s his child.

Ennirem · 25/03/2018 20:13

Oh Jesus if any of you have been on mat leave or had a baby go through separation anxiety surely you know what the OP means??? My 14 month old loves her dad, but right now she will only ever have me, if I leave the room she starts crying her eyes out for "mummummum!" I have to leave her to nursery when I work which is hard enough; when I'm there and able to stand I wouldn't leave her to cry for me. And yes it makes him feel a bit crap when she goes through one of these "all about mummy" phases, but he doesn't just insist on doing "his share" for the sake of it at the cost of making her miserable as that makes all of us less happy. He helps in other ways and spends time with her with me, and eventually she'll get over it again and go back to following him everywhere like a puppy

Please ignore the sniping and implying you're a dreadful controlling bitch because right now your baby is more attached and responsive to you than your partner, OP. That is,actually, how it's supposed to be because you are currently his primary caregiver. That is fine. And a mature, loving father will understand and accommodate it, and not love his child any less or think "why bother?" as some posters are implying, much to my

Anatidae · 25/03/2018 20:14

He will never GET to be a better parent if he slacks off the tough stuff.

I generally get up and push through most things as does DH, but if one of us is absolutely out of it we tell each other and then go to bed. It doesn’t happen often - I am suffering from HG at the moment so I feel shit but I’ve managed to get up every day bar two, one of which I also had a hideous flu-like bug that floored me.

DH did everything, without any need to ask, I just told him I felt utterly shit and needed to be in bed and I returned the favour by packing him off to bed when he went down with it later in the week.

You need to talk about this with him - of course he should be able to stay in bed if he’s genuinely sick but so should you! Parenting is a team effort. He needs to buck his ideas up and be efficient enough to allow you a day in bed, and then you need to take it. The child will be OK.

Zintox · 25/03/2018 20:17

Yanbu op.

My husband has been ill this week. On Monday he said he was staying home and rolled over in bed. I said "Must be lovely to be able to just stay in bed if you're ill" because I always have to get up and carry on because he says he can't stay home to look after me.

He obviously realised how inequitable it is because he has got up every morning to help with the kids then gone back to bed for the day.

I'm now coming down with it but I will have to just get on with it because he has important meetings. They can be moved if HE is ill, naturally, but not if I am.

feral · 25/03/2018 20:19

If he's been vomiting then why would want him around anyway?

AnyFucker · 25/03/2018 20:21

Ennirem I don't disagree with what you say when all things are equal ie. Op is not ill

But all bets are off when one half of a partnership is not firing on all cylinders. The child will not be traumatised by this.

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