Partner in bed all day sick. Aibu?

[Kittysparks1]

Ok, partner was up last night being sick. He slept on the sofa. I got up with baby at 7am and told him to go get his head down for a few hours. He came downstairs once today, laid on the sofa for 10 minutes then announced he was going back to bed where he has been ever since.

Must be nice to be able to rest when you are ill. I was in exactly the same position a few weeks ago yet was up, co parenting, pushing through because we are both knackered (night wakings with baby). I've been really poorly before and it's just expected that I get up, struggle to look after the baby, he goes to work without a thought.

I know I'm being unreasonable. He is ill. But I feel resentful, even though I've rationally discussed this with myself in my head all day. I'm trying to ignore it. I've been out and got him some energy drinks/giving him meds/offered food/being understanding and sympathetic.

Have any of you been in this position and felt injustice or am I just not very nice?

I just wanted to say that I'm not controlling. I encourage their alone time. My partner has taught me little tricks and tips and vice Versa. But he is a bit clingy at the moment so it's difficult for my partner to sometimes comfort him, although he really does try, but he will either come to me for help, or I'll offer to assist after a while.

This thread seems to be a competition about who had the crappest husband.

Yes yabu, if you choose to not stay in bed that's your prerogative

Zibbidoo it's not the same. Baby was born knowing his mother, he knows her smell, the sound of her voice, even the beat of her heart. He's only 10 months old so she's presumably on mat leave - most of his waking life he will have been with her. If he's breastfeeding, it's her who will be attending to his night time wakings. This is ongoing, continuous care and familiarity which cannot be caught up with at the weekend.

And that is actually fine. Dad and baby's relationship will grow and develop as baby gets older and less dependent on mum. Trying to make a baby share it's attachment strictly 50:50 between two completely different caregivers with different roles in its life purely for the sake of ... I don't know, some arseaboutface notion of "fairness" is just mad in my view.

*For "mum" and "dad" above please read "primary caregiver" and "co-parent" as this is not a gendered thing. I'm sure a formula fed baby whose parents were both there for an exactly equal amount of time in the same capacities from the moment it was born might be able to achieve this perfect split of attachment you seem to think ideal, but that isn't how most families are able to, or choose to do things.

Sorry but in light of all these latest posts you’re going to have to explain what exactly it was you were complaining about in your OP. I don’t get it.

YABU. I've been ill a few times and taken myself off to bed. Or husband has ordered me back to bed. I would do the same for him. Neither of us are martyrs.

I'm mystified by many posts here

Op, he's ill and doesnt want to play martyr. Seems fine. Also why shouldn't he isolate himself from baby so baby doesn't get sick?

Also, how easy is it to take to take time off work because someone else is ill? It can be necessary so you save it for the times it's necessary. Pp saying "if my DH was ill, he'd cancel his meeting" well of course he would! Unless you have flu and are delirious like another poster said, but that's a rare occurrence I hope.

I mean, fir clarification, it's not easy to take time off work because a family member is ill.

I wasn't trying to say he was crap. He isnt. He is ill and I fully know I'm unreasonable. I was just curious if anyone else couldn't help but feel a little resentful in the same position. Obviously not!

If I thought he was doing anything wrong by resting when ill, I would have got him up. But he is resting when ill and I am doing all I can to make him as comfortable as possible.

Seriously, when you are sleep deprived you lose a grip on reality.

You see this all the time on Mumsnet - women who martyr themselves and like to think they can 'parent' their child better than the DH/DP ......... and then wonder why he is so useless .

You need to leave your baby with your partner, yes, I get he works all day but what about weekends - just go out and leave him with the baby, don't be all 'no one else can settle baby like I can' - of course they won't if you insist in doing all the caring. Even if your baby is exclusively breast fed there must be times when you can get out. Equally don't be all prissy about 'family times mean we must all be together all the time when we aren't working'.

I was a SAHM for years but never had any 'separation anxiety' from my DS - because his Dad was/is a fully functioning parent and was able to do everything for our DS (except breast feed).

Eminrem nowhere will you see I have suggested they try and achieve 50/50 balance. I suggested then father parent on weekends because he is only managing to see the child for 5 hours during the week. That’s not a ridiculous suggestion. My ex was in the forces. He went on a 6 month deployment when our youngest was a week old. When he came back, baby didn’t know him. I told him to get stuck in because there is no other way to learn than to get on the job and do it.

I have felt like this when my dh ill. I knew I was being unreasonable, but couldn't help feeling it. Maybe ask for a treat and some time for yourself next weekend?

Of course you are ‘better’ than him because he doesn’t have as much experience than you.
The answer is to give him plenty of experience (aka you step back completely at weekends and he takes the lead) so that when you are ill, you can have the rest you need.

I get what you are saying though. Men in general feel that they ca just go to bed if they are ill whereas we feel we have to soldier on. That’s the way we have been socialised.
But nothing is saying that we still need to do it.
Resting when you are ill when your partner is around means you recover better and can be a better parent to your dc when said partner is at work.
There is also the idea that you still have to be the main parent at weekend because he doesn’t ‘know’.

Ime you need to find a way for him to take responsibility and be just as capable as you.
Sharing all the bedtimes during the week, feedings, leaving him with the baby at weekend are all good ways to help him learn how to take care of his own child.

I was just curious if anyone else couldn't help but feel a little resentful in the same position. Obviously not!

No because I would go back to bed if I was sick and DH would mind the kids, he's more than capable and would be really insulted if I had that little confidence in his parenting abilities

Anyfucker I agree, and if the OP was asking her hubby to just deal with their baby's crankiness while she took to her bed, and he was refusing, I'd say he was a twat and she was well within her rights. But from the perspective of a mum with a clingy baby, I'd be traumatised! I hate hearing her cry when I know I could make it better. If I flat out couldn't, then I'd just have to accept it. But while I can respond to her need for me (or preference, I suppose, but she feels it as a need) I do.

I think what the OP may be finding tough is that when DP takes to his bed, he doesn't have to worry about a heartbroken little person because he has the comfort of knowing baby is perfectly content being taken care of as per usual by mum. I think it's more of a "he has it easier on this front, poor me" post rather than a "he's a lazy wanker" post. But I could be wrong.

Btw it’s nit about being a martyr.
It’s about the fact that women are socialised to always be on hand to look after the children, that it’s THEIR responsibility.
Men are socialised to think they aren’t as good, that they are helping etc...

I think it’s very hard to go against that. Believe me, I’ve tried. I was even away at weekends so father had no choice but to look after his dcs.
The responsibility was still mine and I would/have ended up in a similar position than the OP. Not out of him not knowing or me thinking he wasn’t good enough (even though tbh sometimes, he was NOT good enough and took unnecessary risks). But because as soon as I was around he just stepped back and let me deal with things.
And when it’s your child that is suffering from the ‘you are doing it, no you are’ game, then you end up doing it....

You are probably not wrong, Ennirem

Op should still let her partner take over when she is genuinely ill though.

YANBU - I've had this too.

Earlier this year I had that awful awful flu bug. I asked DH to swap some shifts at work(he often can do this) so he could look after the DC and I could go to bed and rest...he was sympathetic but for some reason or another it wasn't possible this time. One week later, he came down with the same bug, took four days off work and stayed in bed the entire time.

I was so angry and when he recovered I asked him how this was fair, I'd had to just get on with it and he has the luxury of going to bed??? He had no answer only to say "I don't know how you did it because I couldn't have coped at all" ...selfish wanker(I did call him this to his face) and I told him that was the last time he was ever to do that to me again...next time I'd leave and go to my sisters to rest and sleep and he'd have no choice to get on with it.

Depending in the age of the child, I agree with Enniren.
There is no way I would have been able to cope with a crying/screaming baby because said father couldnt quite get it right straight away and I knew I could.
As my dcs grew up and became toddlers (so maybe over 12~18 montha old??), then it was a different story and I would have found it easier to let him get on with it.

It's a similar mindset as women who cook ahead and freeze meals for their partners if they go away for a few days. Or do a frenzy of housework before they go. Or take on all the wifework of remembering family birthdays, caring for sick relatives etc

In my mind at least

I parent our baby better because I am his main care giver, I couldn't lay in bed listening to him cry for me, no matter how ill I am
TBF most mothers must have felt similar at the beginning... until you trust your DP, accept that he might struggle to stop the crying as quickly as you could but just let him be a dad and learn, and then you realize both parents are able to take care of the baby

I find when I am ill I don't martyr myself and get up and start helping out, it's just my threshold for being able to lie around is far lower than my OH's. We had a sickness bug last year - I was in bed for a day and then up and about the following evening and he went back to work after taking the day off to look after our child. He spent 4 days in bed and I had to be out of the house each day so he could sleep. I snapped after 4 days of him not lifting a finger and he was shocked that I could speak to an ill person like that. For context, when I wad first able to eat something after lots of vomiting he said to me "make sure you wash our stuff up separately to your stuff". Charming.

If this situation is in fact 'your choice' then its not really reasonable to be pissed off with him. He doesnt need to make the same choice as you.
I wouldnt make the same choice as you!
When I was throwing up and very ill I rang my husband at work and demanded he come home as soon as possible.
If I was just mildly ill I would not call him back from work but I would expect him to pick up the slack if he were off so that I could get some rest.

Thing is you are saying things like 'i parent him better' 'i couldnt lie in bed listening to my baby cry for me no matter how ill i was'
but you are talking about the babys father who really SHOULD be able to care for the child. It is also somewhat your responsibility to facilitate this happening... if you are just doing absolutely everything because you believe you are better at it and your baby need YOU and no one else then you are kind of setting this situation up yourself arent you?

Zibbidoo and if that worked for the three of you, fantastic! At 6 weeks my baby would go to pretty much anyone (but preferred me). By 3 months, she had properly woken up and would scream the sodding house down if anyone else even held her. For as long as it took them to give in, or until she fell asleep from the exhaustion of screaming.This lasted until about 8 months when she became daddy's little shadow andmuch more outgoing generally, then at 10 months it was all about me again for a while, then it settled - at 13 months she went to nursery after many hour long settle sessions for which she screamed the duration - after a few full days she settled well, but the upshot is when I'm there she wants to basically be on me the whole time and cries when I leave her.

By the sounds of it your baby was a lot more laid back (or you were less bothered about letting them cry). Not all babies are the same. Not all parents are the same. And I think whatever decisions we make, even if we feel they are best for us and our families, we sometimes feel a bit hard done by and have a whinge. Can you claim you never have? Doesn't mean your whole life wants overhauling and you're doing it all wrong.

Ps if the username is in ref to the ribena advert - my baby loves that song! 😁