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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stairgates - totally stupid argument

84 replies

melclaire1111 · 25/03/2018 08:28

Dh and I are moving soon and have a nearly 2 year old dd. At our current house we 'Can't put stair gates on the top of the stairs as there's no banister to one side so nothing to attach it to, which sees me having Dd attached to my side as I'm so paranoid she will go falling down the stairs. We did have one on her room but dh took that off to give to the parents in law for their stairs.

We are moving house in a month so we're talking about how many gates we need. I want 3, one at the bottom of the stairs, one on Dd's room and one of the top of the stairs.

He has gone mental and said I'm over reacting and we only need one on the top of the stairs and she'll just have to learn. We're putting her into a bed when we move as well so I want one on her room so she Can't go running across the hall in the Night (We're buying a 3 storey house and she will be in the floor above us) his answer to that is we'll put a lock on her door so she Can't get out which I don't agree with!

Dh works away a lot so I'm often left to bath time in my own so I don't think he realises how much easier having one on both her room and the stairs will make things.

He's now in a massive strop and gone to bed after his night shift calling me all sorts of names and telling me that I never want Dd to grow up! I just want to make sure she is safe!

Reading back this sounds like the most pathetic argument but it's really bugging me!

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 25/03/2018 09:43

Even if he disagrees with you, he shouldn’t be talking to, or at, you like that. Is he normally like that? If he is, it’s not acceptable for you or DD & you really need to think about whether you should be with him or not.

Ignoring his attitude, what is his actual problem with having three stairgates? Is it really that he thinks she’s ‘too old’ for them at not even 2? Or does he find them annoying? The money? It’s just such a stupid thing for him to get in a strop about.

Next time he says you don’t want her to grow up, just say ‘Actually, it’s because I do want her to grow up’ .

If it makes your life easier, why is he being such a prick?

Just get the three sorted out, ignore him being a twat.

With her a floor above you, I’d have the three stair gates as well and a video baby monitor.

Bundlesmads · 25/03/2018 09:43

I wouldn’t even have a fixed one at the top of the stairs, if it just wasn’t slightly closed once they could fall all the way down.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 25/03/2018 09:52

I wonder how many people saying they never had them, had a child sleeping on a different floor to them?

Yes you can teach them to ‘go backwards’ and hold the hand rail etc. You can also teach them not to run into the road. It doesn’t makevit sensibke to trust them to always remember & not be distracted or carry a big toy down or whatever. It’s not about the people posting who were lucky it’s about the kids that end up with broken bones, life changing injuries or worse. They were invented for a reason.

If you put one at the top of the stairs it’s important to have one at the bottom unless you leave it open when you’re downstairs. You do not want a toddler climbing a set of stairs then not being able to go onto a landing, turning around on the stairs is too tricky for them.

Shelby2010 · 25/03/2018 09:53

I don’t get the attitude of ‘just teach them to use stairs safely’ - of course people with stair gates still teach their children. But I still didn’t want my 1yr old attempting it on her own while my back was turned for a second. Also when she was 2yr I didn’t want her to disappear upstairs on her own while I was feeding a newborn. The other thing to remember is that their most unstable time is when they want to walk down ‘like a grown up’ but the steps are a bit big & they can’t reach the bannister. Do you really think they will go down backwards when you’re not there to insist?

We did use the screw to the wall ones to avoid the trip hazard, and actually the upstairs one was one the landing rather than the very top of the stairs so it also prevented access to the study should dd1 get up in the night.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 25/03/2018 09:55

I wouldn’t even have a fixed one at the top of the stairs, if it just wasn’t slightly closed once they could fall all the way down

There’s an easy and cheap solution for that. Close it.

If there’s not one there they could fall ‘all the way down’.

happymummy12345 · 25/03/2018 10:01

That isn't right at all.
We have one across the kitchen, one at the bottom of the stairs and one at ds's bedroom door.
Why couldn't in laws buy one themselves anyway?

Zaphodsotherhead · 25/03/2018 10:06

I'm with NewMe - I've had five kids and only ever used stairgates with my first. After that, going up and down with a small baby and a toddler became impossible, so we took them all off. Carpeted stairs with a bend in the middle, so anyone falling only went down a few and there were a few falls but no injuries.

At two, can she not climb over anyway? My lot were right climbers and were out of cots at fifteen months because they would climb out. Maybe some way of keeping her in her room is sensible (otherwise won't she roam the house when you are in bed?), but not locking her in!

wildduckhunt · 25/03/2018 10:07

I don't see why a lock on her door is any less ridiculous than a baby gate - she's still trapped in the room.

Also: Do you really think they will go down backwards when you’re not there to insist?

Yes. Yes they do, in my experience .

OwlinaTree · 25/03/2018 10:11

We have one at top and bottom of the stairs, but we have the attached to the wall ones so no bar at the bottom. My kids are able to use the stairs, but we have a small house and I worry about accidental falling down the stairs if they are wandering about disorientated at night. It also helps when I want to shower etc, I can shut the top gate and keep them upstairs with me.

I don't think it is unreasonable to have the stairs safe. Just because you have stair gates doesn't mean you don't teach them to use the stairs safely.

GummyGoddess · 25/03/2018 10:14

How are you teaching them to go down backwards? DC will not be taught, and we have a relatively new build house with incredibly steep wooden stairs so the risk of injury would be pretty high. I can't have him escaping up them when I've got a newborn in a few months either.

WeAllHaveWings · 25/03/2018 10:15

This isn't really a where to put stairgates thread though is it?

Id be more worried about the damage to your dd in seeing her dm with a dh that "goes mental", tells her shes "over reacting", and then goes off in a strop calling her names over something as straight forward as where to put stairgates.

Is he always this immature and reactive over little things? The two of you need to sort this out so your dd learns how to deal with disagreements in a healthy way. How to compromise over little things and say sorry if appropriate.

NameChange30 · 25/03/2018 10:22

OK so I did a search and had a quick look at some of your other threads.

He is a nasty, abusive piece of shit. LTB.

spacecadet48 · 25/03/2018 10:24

I have 4 DC and a 4 bed house and don't use them. I did get them and they are in the attic. We found they didn't fit properly which made them more risky and our stairs had a large step before you could actually put a stair gate up. None of my DC fell down the stairs. My youngest is 3 and has been great on the stairs from about 2. You just need to take extra care and definitely need eyes on the back of your head! Be careful thinking the stair gate can alleviate anxiety and is safe, i know DC who have climbed over them, some who have learned how to open them and some that haven't been fitted properly and DC being injured. Good luck with your battle with your OH, he sounds like mine who hated them anyway!

namechange2222 · 25/03/2018 10:41

Never had stair gates. The one and only bad accident was when DD was around 4 when I would have taken them down by that age anyway. Fell from top to bottom smashing her head against skirting boards all the way
Sorry don't know how to answer your aibu but I couldn't stay married to anyone who lost it so easily about something so minor. If you want 3 stargazes just buy them and put them up

BertieBotts · 25/03/2018 10:44

A lock on the door is a fire hazard.

Other than that you need to decide what access you want her to have. Stairgates are practical! Personally I wanted mine to be able to come and find me at night if necessary so I only had a gate on the stairs to prevent falls, none on doors. But I did have a travel one I put on the kitchen occasionally.

lostherenow · 25/03/2018 10:59

Whether you need them or not depends on your child and the layout of your house. I still have one up at the top of the stairs and my DS has just turned 4. He is perfectly capable of using the stairs safely, however we have a wide staircase and he has to cross the top of the stairs to get to us in the night. To be fair, usually he just shouts if he wants me but there isn't a socket to position a night light to make the top of the stairs clear, so I leave the gate up. Its a non trip one and when not needed I can just lift it off so really not an inconvenience.

yikesanotherbooboo · 25/03/2018 11:12

We had 2 rather cautious children and taught them from crawling age to reverse down stairs on all fours. Our other child was less reliable so we had a gate at the bottom of the stairs and made a barrier( gate impossible) for the landing for the few months when he might have fallen inadvertently in the night.
Your DH shouldn't go mental for any reason particularly when you are just asking for peace of mind however 3 gates does seem a lot.

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/03/2018 11:18

You can’t put a lock on the door. She’s a child, not a prisoner. So it's OK to imprison her with a stairgate but not with a door?

Babdoc · 25/03/2018 11:24

Stair gates weren’t around when I was little. My generation all seemed to learn to navigate stairs without problems. Some of my earliest memories are of gleefully climbing over cot bars or mountaineering up stairs that seemed excitingly high to my 2 year old self!
I had a stair gate for DD1, but it was a damn nuisance and v tight squeeze for me when heavily pregnant with DD2.
As the PP’s have said, I’d be much more worried about your DH’s aggressive attitude towards you, than any minor issues about gates.

2ndSopranos · 25/03/2018 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrozenMargarita17 · 25/03/2018 11:36

H and I have agreed that we will be putting 3 stair gates up - 1 on her room, 1 on her side of the stairs (our stairs is a V shape which goes to either side of the house) and one at the bottom. Covers all bases I would say!

4GreenApples · 25/03/2018 11:45

Your DH’s reaction is completely OTT. It’s not normal healthy behaviour for someone to be getting in a massive strop and calling their partner names because their partner wants more childproofing than they think necessary.

As for stairgates - we have one at the top of the stairs (screwed into wall so no trip hazard), and one on living room door, as we wanted to stop any unsupervised toddler access to the kitchen as well as the stairs. So downstairs stair gate blocking off the living room rather than the stairs.
None on the bedroom door at the minute, but we will be installing one on DS3’s bedroom door once he’s out of his cot. And he sleeps on the same floor as us. I’d consider a bedroom door stair gate especially important if he was on a different floor.

As regards climbing over stairgates - DH taught our older DC how to open the stairgates when they were big enough. So the older DC have never needed to try climbing them to get downstairs. We wanted to keep the top stair gate there for the older DC even after they could use stairs well, as the layout of our upstairs hall would make it very easy for a child up in the night to accidentally stumble into the staircase.

upsideup · 25/03/2018 12:04

His reaction was very unreasonable .
But I get his point about the stairgates, Mine would have been able to climb other the stairgate before they were 2 and that would of been more dangerous and the older kids would try and jump them. We just carpeted the stairs and taught them all how to use them, if they have the skills to climb over a stairgate they have the skills to climb up and down the stairs. And locking her in her room with a stairgate doesnt seem that different to locking her in her room with the door.

MrsMarigold · 25/03/2018 12:04

I have two DC and never had stairgates as the house is on five different levels. Everyone sleeps on a different floor and by 15 months both children were fine on any stairs. Children learn fast and neither of them fell. In fact it really helped gross motor skills. I find people who are precious about stairgates quite annoying, just teach the child to manage is a far more practical approach. I'm with your DH, although he shouldn't shout and call you names.

Heartofglass12345 · 25/03/2018 17:07

We have one on my sons bedroom door but not the stairs as the walls are crap to drill into. My sons been really good at learning to safely go down the stairs though, I taught him to go down backwards on his belly. Downstairs we have one on the playroom and kitchen doors as he can be left in the playroom safely on his own then.
I think he overreacted though!!