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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stairgates - totally stupid argument

84 replies

melclaire1111 · 25/03/2018 08:28

Dh and I are moving soon and have a nearly 2 year old dd. At our current house we 'Can't put stair gates on the top of the stairs as there's no banister to one side so nothing to attach it to, which sees me having Dd attached to my side as I'm so paranoid she will go falling down the stairs. We did have one on her room but dh took that off to give to the parents in law for their stairs.

We are moving house in a month so we're talking about how many gates we need. I want 3, one at the bottom of the stairs, one on Dd's room and one of the top of the stairs.

He has gone mental and said I'm over reacting and we only need one on the top of the stairs and she'll just have to learn. We're putting her into a bed when we move as well so I want one on her room so she Can't go running across the hall in the Night (We're buying a 3 storey house and she will be in the floor above us) his answer to that is we'll put a lock on her door so she Can't get out which I don't agree with!

Dh works away a lot so I'm often left to bath time in my own so I don't think he realises how much easier having one on both her room and the stairs will make things.

He's now in a massive strop and gone to bed after his night shift calling me all sorts of names and telling me that I never want Dd to grow up! I just want to make sure she is safe!

Reading back this sounds like the most pathetic argument but it's really bugging me!

OP posts:

littleducks · 25/03/2018 09:03

I think 3 might be a bit OTT especially at her age but it's not really a big deal. They can be picked second hand cheaply and removed if you not having further dc fairly easily. Definitely not something to argue over so extremely.

YerAuntFanny · 25/03/2018 09:06

His suggestion of a lock on the door is not on in the slightest, it could compromise safety in an emergency and distress for your if she were trying to get out in the night.

Although with that said, I wouldn't put a Stargate on a bedroom door either for similar reasons but I realise that lots of people do and that's their choice.

We had a Stargate on the kitchen door as DD kept raiding the freezer but we never felt we needed one on the stairs for either child. By 2 she could climb over the kitchen one any way.

Iceweasel · 25/03/2018 09:07

For a typically developing almost two year old I would say one gate at the top would be adequate.

I only ever had one at the top from 5 months to 9 months. At 9 months DS could open it. He had figured out how to go down the stairs backwards at that age so didn't need it anyway.

Nan0second · 25/03/2018 09:08

We moved house when child was 18months old. We tried to install it and she tried to climb over it - far more dangerous. She could climb safely up and down by that time (crawling up and backwards down - always supervised). Yes, I do bedtime alone (and so does he) when the other has to work late so I do understand.
No problem, no regrets. Far easier not to bother.
Friends 5 year old tripped over theirs at the bottom and got a bloody nose 😱

thethoughtfox · 25/03/2018 09:13

Your husband is being an arse.

Another voice for you are not supposed to put them at the top cause if they climb over they can really hurt themselves falling down the huge drop at the other sides.

GummyGoddess · 25/03/2018 09:13

We have one at the bottom right now, but getting a second at the top soon before I go onto maternity leave again. How else would you keep them on one floor if you were tidying or bathing them during the day, you've only got one pair of hands!

He can't say she'll have to learn, she will eventually but she's only little, she doesn't have that sort of reasoning yet.

Dc can't get out of his cot and hasn't tried, but I might consider one for his bedroom if he does start that, can't have him getting into the office or bathroom at night, he might injure himself or make a huge mess.

BadBadBeans · 25/03/2018 09:14

Gosh, if you want gates that badly I can't see why your DH is making a fuss. I have a 20 month old. We have a stairgate at the top of the stairs and I COULD NOT manage without it. I am also seriously considering putting one at the bottom of the stairs, as the other day I took my eye off him for five seconds and like lightning he climbed to the second step, slipped, and smacked his head off the slate floor. He's never tried to climb over the stairgate at the top of the stairs. (I must admit I hadn't thought about that, and will be keeping an eye out now for him attempting it.)

Can your DD open her bedroom door? Our door latches are quite high so I just shut DS's door at night. He calls for me if he needs me.

Tryingtokeepfit · 25/03/2018 09:18

We have a 3 story house. We don't use stair gates, we taught DS to crawl up and down safely.

We do have gates at the very bottom and top of the first set of stairs. But only use them occasionally.

At 2 years old can you teach your DC to use the stairs safely? I appreciate this might be easier said than done if she isn't used to them.

I do agree, one at the top of the stairs is probably safer. Stops any running toddlers from accidentally toppling over/misjudging things.

ittakes2 · 25/03/2018 09:18

Sorry but he sounds like a tool if that he really cares this much about you wanting a stair gate on your child's room. Is your daughter meant to sleep in a locked room for how long....? My husband didn't even consider to ask me how many stair gates I wanted or needed. He just put them on where he was told to put them on!

Gatehouse77 · 25/03/2018 09:19

We didn't use stair gates at all except to train them to stay in their room at night when they moved to beds.
They have only fallen down the stairs as older children because someone was with them when they were babies.

AfterSchoolWorry · 25/03/2018 09:20

Dh works away a lot so I'm often left to bath time in my own

So you're the one it affects? He gets no say then, as for locking the nearly two year old into her room on another floor of the house??

He's fucked in the head. That's before we even get to the massive strop, name calling and thinking he can impose his opinions about practicalities that don't even affect him.

Wouldn't put up with that for a minute and if he didn't like it he could go.

Quartz2208 · 25/03/2018 09:22

He is an arse but then he always is and he is getting abusive

Now he wants to put a lock on her room and argue about safety features

tealandteal · 25/03/2018 09:24

Locking her in at night is a fire hazard and could backfire when she is older. She may accidentally or on purpose lock herself in her room. We have the same problem, three storey house and the weird stairs means stair gateshead won't fit. So we have one on DS room and one on a room we have babyprooded, we may get one on the lounge when he is older.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/03/2018 09:25

Dh works away a lot so I'm often left to bath time in my own

then it is up to you.

His other option is not working away and doing all the bathtimes.

Tell him you've been thinking and you don't believe he needs a map or satnav or smartphone in the car for directions. Surely he should be able to tell where he's going via the road signs? No, it doesn't affect you, it's something he has to deal with but fuck it, why don't you just scream and shout and have a complete tantrum over it until you get your way? Go on, why shouldn't you have the final say?

See?

xyzandabc · 25/03/2018 09:25

Total over reaction definitely no need for screaming at each other over stairgates.

That said with 3dc we've only ever had 1 stairgate and that was only on for a matter of months from 7-10 months at the bottom of the stairs with dc2 as she could climb them by 7 months. Didn't have any with dc1 or 3, all were mobile by 16 weeks rolling but walking varied from 10-16 months so wasn't a case of we could leave them and trust they'd stay put. We just taught them how to use the stairs.

1st they go down feet first on their tummies, progress to bums, then finally walking holding the banister. At nearly 2 I would think more than 1 would be unnecessary and even then, perhaps it's time to say new house, new expectations and teach DC to be safe on their own.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/03/2018 09:27

Oh and stairgate at the top and not the bottom?!

Errr NO!

At that age they can climb up in a jiffy, really easily - but what they can't do is turn around safely and get back down.

So basically a stairgate at the top is creating the conditions for a fall. And it will be a fall from top to bottom onto the floor, just as if you had no stairgate there!

He's an idiot as well as an aggressive twat, then.

somepplmakemewant · 25/03/2018 09:27

I had one at the top of my stairs but my dd has gone up and down the stairs independently since she was about 20 months. I would have one on her room and at the bottom of the stairs if you are worried about her using the stairs.

newmumwithquestions · 25/03/2018 09:30

Personally I think 1 stairgate would be fine.

But what I think is totally irrelevant. Not my house or child we’re talking about. Do what you feel best.

I suspect your ‘D’H’s reaction has nothing to do with stairgates though.

Take a deep breath, sit down and talk to him about what’s wrong. As part of that conversation calmly tell him what your expectations are about how he talks (not shouts) to you.

newmumwithquestions · 25/03/2018 09:32

Oh just to add we moved house when DD was almost 2 and didn’t bother putting gates up. She’s not a bolter though and tends to stay in the same room as me.

PinkyBlunder · 25/03/2018 09:33

Well he’s a prick isn’t he and that’s your real problem.

But FWIW we live in an unconventional house where stairgates don’t fit so we’ve never had them. We just had to teach DD how to navigate the stairs safely from the moment she showed interest in them and to date she’s never fallen up/down them. I probably wouldn’t put one on DDs door because of the safety risk if there was a fire.

dentydown · 25/03/2018 09:37

Unless DH installs a stable door on your child’s room a lock is unacceptable. You can always sell them later on.

Foodylicious · 25/03/2018 09:38

I have a nearly four year old and still have 3 stair gates up, though they are not closed alot of the time.
1 between the kitchen and lounge - I shut this one to keep him out of the kitchen if I go upstairs or have just got stuff out of the oven.
1 at bottom of stairs- this is now very rarely used but great if we have friends with little ones over.
1 on the landing - to stop him from going down stairs at night or if we are upstairs during the day.
We live in a very small cottage and stairs are in the lounge. Stairs are narrow and steep and there are a few steps to the left and right at the top of the stairs too so it's a bit more difficult than it could be.

YellowFlower201 · 25/03/2018 09:40

I think 3 Gates it OTT. One will do you. She's 2. She's got to learn to go up and down eta

YellowFlower201 · 25/03/2018 09:40

Gah... sorry posted too soon.
Up and down stairs eventually.

watfordmummy · 25/03/2018 09:42

I didn't have stair gates for my DS2, he was taught to come down backwards himself. (By @mnjustine!).

He never fell down the stairs and my eldest was able to get up and down without being trapped.

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