To absolutely hate my life?

[itwillbeok12]

I have name changed as I know this isn’t going to make me popular but here goes.

I absolutely hate my life but I have no reason to and no idea why I do.

I messed up at school but was the funny one so had loads of friends and didn’t care about grades or exams but unbelievably after messing about for a couple of years I have managed to carve out a career in a really good industry and earn well above the average way salary as does my dh so we have no money worries at all.

My dh is amazing one of those men who every woman wants to be married to and we have 6 year old twins (1boy, 1 girl). He is British but grew up in South Africa and deep down I always think he would rather be over there than here. This was everything I thought I wanted when I was younger but I hate it. I cook, clean, cuddle my kids and make sure they know I love them but inside I’m screaming. If I could walk away right now and know it wouldn’t hurt them I would do it.

I have lost all my friends as I was the first in my age group to have children where I am (London) and I’m so jealous when I see them all out together via Facebook pictures and I’m sat at home reading bed time stories. I hate parents evening, I hate making lunches, I hate the paintings my kids do me that I have to stick of my fridge but most of all I hate that I hate it, I want to love it , to feel proud of what my children are achieving to really mean it when I tell them I love them, most of all to not resent them because they have their whole lives ahead of them and mines gone.

So here I am at 38 wondering where the time went, why I made so many mistakes and what I can do to make this right? I know I’m going to be judged but if anyone has any actual advice or knows how I feel I would be grateful to hear it?

I just wanted to say you are definitely not alone. We do not all feel like our kids are completely wonderful and there are days (lots) when we actually hate them. I remember "hiding" from my DD when she was younger because I just couldn't cope with the clinginess stage. I was probably depressed but I was on my own with absolutely no support (ex was working abroad a lot at the time). I was in a village surrounding by some of the weirdest women and you couldn't just have a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit with them - everything had to be home made that morning! I was so miserable - it was not me at all! The one friend I made at a mums group then moved hundreds of miles away and I cried and cried like I had suffered a bereavement. There are some great bits of advice on here about how to help yourself feel better. You say that your DH is a husband everyone would want but do you love him? You are the one who matters. I remember saying to a counsellor - but I have a lovely house and a partner who is caring - and they said - it means nothing if you are not happy. So true. it took me about 10 years (mainly as I had no money and couldn't face splitting up the family!) but I left and now life is not all a bed of roses but at least I am not living a lie. And that makes me like myself again :)

Yes professional talking therapy is needed

You sound really really depressed and for your own sake and that of the family you should get some help and try and uncover what’s going on and what needs to change

Good luck

Yeah I was mean. Sorry, it's just the OP didn't read like depression to me, more like whinging that life wasn't exactly as planned.Yes, you can have depression as well as a fabulous life/house /husband, and I guess talking and medication should be tried but gratitude is also a highly underrated tool for changing your mindset.
I have so many friends at the moment going through really hard stuff-infertility, cancer, bereavement. People are alone, stuck in awful jobs, in insecure accomodation in middle age, or coping with daily physical pain.
Everyone has stuff to deal with but it can be helpful to list the things you are grateful for. So mine would be-I'm not in pain, I'm healthy, I can put food on the table, I have people in my life who love me.
Sometimes that's all we can say. Nobody's life is perfect, but OP it sounds like you actually have a head start over most people, so maybe start from that and try to move your focus from the negative.

You sound pretty fed up bored and possibly depressed , having kids is all encompassing and makes you feel like you have been erased , try be some of the person you were before , see friends when you can , go on some nights out , take up some hobbies for yourself and you will find you enjoy the family stuff much more . I didn’t go to baby groups and barely any of my friends have kids I still go to gigs and try go out and do things for myself childcare allowing .

Once you have kids you need to accept life is different however and make it work for everyone .

to add to above, at least you can change the things you are unhappy about. You can't get back the past years, and look all you have achieved so far, family/ cv/ experience, but you can list what you want to do with your life and go from there.

I feel for you op
IT sounds like you were sold the parenting dream, like so many, and now here's reality

You say the kids are angry if you don't put them to bed - are they? They're little, you can manage their expectations
No way should you be turning down much needed nights out to put them to bed.

My mother didn't work when we were little and she really regrets it because of course we don't remember all the grunt work, she'd have been happier if she'd worked and paid someone to do it and we'd probably have had more quality time rather than a mum dropping with boredom and sadness for what her life should have been

I think she felt it improved when we were 9 ish? Honestly, don't miss fun stuff and nights out etc. Is the childcare split properly?

I know a lot of people pull out PND but they are six! The reality is you need to delegate the grunt work and enjoy your life more. Oh and possibly get sterilised so there's no risk of accidents.

Oh and I know a lot of people dread the school run and parent socialising...maybe you can bond with someone else who hates it?

I think I understand what you are getting at OP.

I don't regret having my 4 DC at all, but more recently I have been feeling overwhelmed with the relentless 'drudge' of it all. I guess it's thinking 'is this it?' I have a DH, lovely home, job, my health and children who are healthy and doing well, but I feel as if I have lost myself. I v v rarely get any time to myself, as when I'm not working I'm looking after the DC. My DH does some stuff around the house, but commutes and travels, so I'm the one who is always there keeping everything going. It's the sheer mental load of keeping on top of everything which is so draining. On top of that, if you have no time to pursue your own interests, or feel like you are not moving forward with your own life, it's hard to feel happy.

I have days when I feel like you. And in my case I desperately wanted DCs, and after years of infertility, we adopted our 2 DDs. I love them to bits but I find it so hard sometimes to enjoy cuddles. This is particularly so with DD1 because it's hard to want to have her close when at other times she has violent meltdowns and has left me with bruises. I find it easier with DD2, but I try so hard not to let that show.

In my case, it's PTSD following childhood SA, so it's not exactly the same. But to people who don't know me well, I must seem to have the perfect life, a lovely DH and 2 gorgeous girls of 9 (in 3 days!) and 6.

So I fake it too. But you'd be surprised at how mind over matter can work, I can usually remind myself about the good things in my life now.

I'm on medication, though, and I've had talking therapy. I think you should go and see your GP, they've heard it all before so they won't judge you. Medication, possibly temporarily, could really help lift your mood, and maybe seeing a therapist. But if it is PND, then you will need medication and proper help.

I would take issue with those saying a 6 year old's art is rubbish. My DD2 draws and colours beautifully. I love what she and her older sister draw for me. But they are both very arty, entirely unlike their mummy lol.

Good luck, OP. You should get help with this. Your life isn't over, not by a long shot. You just need to find yourself again, that you're more than just a mum. (Talking to myself too here!!)

OP you say you and DP planned to go travelling - if your situation permits, could you all up sticks and move abroad for a bit? You could rent your house out here if you own it, so you have something to come back to if you don’t like it abroad. That way you might not feel so much like you’re missing out on the life you “should” have had.

Or maybe plan a big trip for you all next summer holidays? Somewhere exciting that actually allows you to travel rather than just have a holiday? It can be done on the cheap - I.e. hire a camper van and drive from place to place, also sleeping in it.

Sorry if none of this would be remotely possible for your situation - just seen a couple of couples do this with primary school age/ nursery age kids and they all loved it.

I think the issue is you would like more of a life of your own away from domesticity. Try to find something even a hobby as an outlet just for you.

It may be you are a free spirit more than you thought. This is why you may find your life a bit stifling just at present.

On a slight tangent one further comment - not everybody wishes to have a husband and your comment that your own husband is somebody who every woman would wish to be married to is rather assuming everybody is the same which we are not.

Also stop saying no when your friends invite you out! As long as it’s not every night you are allowed a social life too, you know! It will become a downward cycle otherwise where they don’t invite you because they know you’ll say no!

I think you need to see your GP pronto OP, what you describe could possibly be clinical depression and if it is you need medical treatment. Good luck

I agree with @ConkerGame , OP, FWIW. You have a DH who is a great dad. You can go out with your friends sometimes. I have a couple of really good friends whom I go out with regularly. I don't know where I'd be without that outlet. I also have 4 cats.

You need someone else in your life. Without those outlets in my life, I'd probably really struggle too. Life with young DCs can be mind numbingly dull.

I think that you sound bored rather than depressed. I did an MA a few years back and it reinvigorated me. I went from dowdy mum back to the sharp funny woman I used to be. Time for new interests and new friends.

Thank you again everyone. Me and dd just sit back from a 3 hour walk with the dog while the boys were at football it cleared my head a bit. I will think about going to the gp. I know I have a lot but sometimes that makes it worse because people assume that I have everything but they don’t see how unhappy I am. I’m so worried about going out with my old friends in case I get drawn back into my old life and ruin my marriage. To the person who asked if I love my husband I do but we’ve both changed so much since having kids we seem to have drifted apart a bit but he doesn’t seem to have noticed.

I actually don't see why it would necessarily draw you into your 'old life' to see your friends from time to time. You're allowed to have fun after you get married and have a family. I need to spend time with friends every now and again to keep my sanity, you deserve a break every now and then. I'm sure your DH would look after your DCs to let you enjoy yourself. You need to allow yourself to be yourself as well as a wife and mum.

I just don't see why there needs to be such a divide between your old life and your new life. You're still the same person after all.

OP "I’m so worried about going out with my old friends in case I get drawn back into my old life and ruin my marriage"

Wow, that's a telling remark. Your old life was much better then? Aren't there ways to get some of that back?

Get yourself down to the GP ASAP. Your kids need you well.

One of the key signs of depression is anhedonia, the inability to get pleasure from things, and you seem to have it in spades. On that alone it is worth seeing a professional

My advice to you would to stop feeling guilty about it. I love babies. I truly love them. The day my first child was born felt like the first day of my life. But then he got older and I realised that I really cannot stand toddlers. I don't hate them obviously but I have no tolerance for them and gain no joy from any of it. I felt really shit about it and about myself for a long time and it was really starting to impact how I parented my children and then I just let go. I still don't enjoy being with them much (eldest is coming out of toddler hood and can actually be pleasant when he wants to be) but at least I don't spend all day feeling shit. Parenthood just doesn't suit some people. For other people certain stages don't work. You may find that you suddenly really enjoy spending time with your children when they reach adolescance. Your children have their needs met and that's what matters. You aren't some kind of monster just because your heart isn't in it.

"Get yourself down to the GP ASAP. Your kids need you well"

Way to make it all about the kids and not the OP.

I definitely think you should see a GP, for everyone’s sake! There could be an underlying cause for this feeling. Some health conditions can cause this sort of feeling, so can some medications. I think some talking therapy as pp suggested would be beneficial, your GP should be able to refer you. I’ve found this not only helps me offload but helps me find my own solutions to my problems in the way they ask the questions.

I just wanted to share my own experience in case it might be similar with you - I had a period where I was in chronic pain due to Gynae problems. It left me very down. As I recovered, I felt this horrible sense of There must be more to life than this even though on paper I have pretty much everything I could hope for. Suddenly I realised this feeling had come on shortly after I started taking the progesterone only pill again (meant to help the Gynae problems). Stopped taking the pill, the feeling has eased. Yes I still feel like I can’t really be arsed to go to work but I don’t feel like running away or rashly handing my notice in any more! No idea if it applies but I wish I’d realised sooner how awful it was making me feel.

What justown said. Women are heavily conditioned from birth to see having biological offspring as our sole purpose, ultimate goal and ‘all worth it though’, despite the fact many studies have shown being a parent makes you more unhappy than a close bereavement, moving house etc. combined. Anyone who dares admit to finding it quite shite are viewed as deviant and must be depressed surely because we are women and we are for having babiiieeeessss. There are also huge swathes of women who are depressed, and women who chose to have a kid who have post natal depression.