To absolutely hate my life?

[itwillbeok12]

I have name changed as I know this isn’t going to make me popular but here goes.

I absolutely hate my life but I have no reason to and no idea why I do.

I messed up at school but was the funny one so had loads of friends and didn’t care about grades or exams but unbelievably after messing about for a couple of years I have managed to carve out a career in a really good industry and earn well above the average way salary as does my dh so we have no money worries at all.

My dh is amazing one of those men who every woman wants to be married to and we have 6 year old twins (1boy, 1 girl). He is British but grew up in South Africa and deep down I always think he would rather be over there than here. This was everything I thought I wanted when I was younger but I hate it. I cook, clean, cuddle my kids and make sure they know I love them but inside I’m screaming. If I could walk away right now and know it wouldn’t hurt them I would do it.

I have lost all my friends as I was the first in my age group to have children where I am (London) and I’m so jealous when I see them all out together via Facebook pictures and I’m sat at home reading bed time stories. I hate parents evening, I hate making lunches, I hate the paintings my kids do me that I have to stick of my fridge but most of all I hate that I hate it, I want to love it , to feel proud of what my children are achieving to really mean it when I tell them I love them, most of all to not resent them because they have their whole lives ahead of them and mines gone.

So here I am at 38 wondering where the time went, why I made so many mistakes and what I can do to make this right? I know I’m going to be judged but if anyone has any actual advice or knows how I feel I would be grateful to hear it?

Starface and Pandoraphile your posts have really struck a chord with me.

Mid life crisis, pretty much the time where lots of people start to question the mundane aspects of their lifes and many walk out of marriages or have affairs. Funnily enough life doesn't improve when they do.

A little bit of me wants to say get over yourself, appreciate what you have, and don't mess everything up trying to chase a non existant dream.

Everyone, and I mean everyone feels like this at times. However, as suggested above consider seeing your GP or a counsellor, as depression may be an issue. Equally it may not. What you are feeling may just be a bit of resentment over the downsides of parenting.

Your dcs have to come first here. Also, beware of taking your lovely DH for granted. He'll have his own down days too, and you need to support each other. Late 30s is such a tricky age for most people.

I agree you need to see a therapist and talk things through but in the meantime:

Next time your old friends invite you, or better still arrange it yourself today and GO and have a good time. One missed bedtime is not going to do any harm. I would be going out much more, you are clearly an outgoing sociable person, so go and live and dance. Being married/having dc does not mean you are condemned to a life of mundane drudgery,

Stop making packed lunches now, and send in dinner money

Dont have tons of paintings stored on your fridge, file them away and frame your favourites

Take the children out individually for walks, fresh air, sightseeing so you can connect with each child on a deep level. Twins are fairly emotional self sufficient, and come often as a package that doesn't mean they don't long for some time just with you. Just try it.

Take out all the crappy jobs and either delegate to dh, or just don't do them

Keep looking for purpose and joy. Plan your round the world trip, you can still do it. Your life is far from over. You might pine for your freedom but it will come soon enough. For now you are blessed but you need to find a way to be genuinely happy again. Good luck

it does sound like you might have depression. It doesn't have to be triggered by anything, its a chemical inbalance in the brain, it can be treated

I also totally agree with starface

You are describing a loss of self. To some extent maybe you have sacrificed too much. Do too much for everyone and everything else.
If you have neglected your own needs for a long time, then it is not surprising you are feeling some level of deep rooted unhappiness.

A nice house, good job is only desirable if you WANT it. You are only lucky if this is what makes you happy. For you living in a camper van might be preferable in a field with a view.

Acquiring a life and a whole set of values that don't belong to you, spending time with other parents you don't like very much, doing lots of housework and mundane jobs and never having time to feel the grass under your feet is going to lead to feeling of disassociation and loss of self.

I can reommend 'recharge: a year of self care to focus on YOU

Step by step ideas to help you on your way. It describes a very similar scenario in this book to the one you have.

You have my sympathy. I’m late 30s and feel similar. I have two dc with special needs, the youngest very severely disabled. I honest want to walk out and run off but I love them a lot but it’s hard. My life has completely changed. I’m essentially a carer and I also have a job and my husband isn’t as helpful as he could be.

I would say maybe once or twice a month go out with your old friends and don’t feel guilty. You need to rediscover yourself.

I didn't really enjoy being a mum to my kids when they were that age. I did love them dearly and there were great moments, but as a whole, I've always find being around teenagers more rewarding then young kids. I didn't like playing with them, didn't enjoy reading to them much and all those things parents seemed to get pleasure from seemed like chores to me.

I think this came from the fact that I was working FT and therefore had no time for me as a person and was exhausted all the time and the fact of the above.

I did welcome the time I was able to live them at home alone for a few hours and I could go and things for myself. The thing is, as they got to that age where our relationship was supposed to shift from a less caring role to a more communicative one, I faced the fact that teenagers don't really communicate much with their parents and I missed them wanting to spend time with me!!

My eldest is 18, about to go to Uni. Part of me is glad that she'll be off as I see it as me having done my job and now able to relax a bit more, but I also know that I will miss her deeply. Unfortunately, it's only after each stage is over, with relief, that we realise that despite how we felt then, we do miss some aspect of it, if not all!

Just a few additions to the excellent advice posted by others in this thread. How we feel mentally/emotionally depends in part on how well our body is functioning. Don't neglect the very practical things you can do to get the bliss flowing in your body, which will in turn brighten up your mind so that at the least, you will enjoy again the things you used to like. These are: go to bed early, by 9.30, and sleep at least 8 hrs if you can. Try a colon cleanse at a good reputable place. (There was some Scandi study many years ago that analysed suicides and found that they all had colons blocked up with old gunk.) Cut out sugar (too many highs and lows) and stimulants, eg alcohol, and eat a wholefood diet with a good amount of animal fats like full fat dairy, eggs and good quality organic meat. Find a naturopathic doctor who focuses on nutrition to help you if needed. Try Ayurvedic panchakarma treatment, which focuses on cleansing the body of toxins in a gentle and enjoyable way. Try a gentle run or other aerobic exercise in fresh air/nature and see how you feel afterwards. NB It's possible to do all this alongside conventional doctor/counselling, they don't conflict. And yes, if you'd still like to travel, do it with your family. Doesn't have to be a long trek, try a few days away in a place you'd all enjoy, and see how you feel and whether you can extend the trips in future.

Burn out or depression are my first thoughts...

FwIW, kids drawings are crap, parent evening tedious, and reading with 6 yr olds can be boring too (esp Biff and Chip!)

With "mummy friends" you just have to be incredibly lucky!!!

So maybe your expectations are unrealistic?

As to traveling: DH and I lived in a few different countries with the kids, kids are very adaptable really, and not a barrier to travel

Good luck, don't be too hard on yourself

Hating your life implies that you might want to end it. No matter how "wonderful" it appears to others (or to you), feeling guilty that you're not only miserable but actually hating your life should be ringing big alarm bells, OP. Please talk to your GP or a mental health professional asap! Please don't blame yourself or believe you're a terrible person, a bad mother, etc. Just get help as soon as you can.

You need to get a prescription for anti depressants. It will make all the difference.

I want most of all to not resent them because they have their whole lives ahead of them and mines gone. Your life is not gone - this is your life. You are in a tough phase at the moment - much tougher than the carefree schooldays you look back on. Having twins is a slog - especially in the early years. I know someone who went on to have another child purely for enjoyment (her words) as she said she was always too tired to enjoy hers for the first seven years (not suggesting you do that by the way, just acknowledging that having twins is not the same as having a single child). This is all compounded by the fact that you were the first in your group of friends to have kids so you constantly have that reminder of your happy, carefree days. I agree with the pp who advised you to switch off social media - comparison is the thief of joy. I’m not sure if you post, but if you do I’m willing to bet there will be people in your old group who will be looking on enviously at your family and wishing they had what you had. You can’t go back you can only go forward - even if you walk out you can’t turn back the clock. If you are 38 then pretty soon I imagine some of your old friends will start to have babies and you’ll be able to feel relieved that you are beyond that stage and on the home straight. You do sound depressed so I would talk to your GP but in the meantime keep on buggering on (as Winston Churchill, another depressive, used to say).

What is the problem again? My first thought was "oh just grow up". My god, @IfNot, that's nasty!

I have depression, and can identify with what you said as similar to what I think when things are starting to go downhill. I agree with other PPs you should see your GP, and if they prescribe ADs, take them.

They aren’t the solution to everything, but they can get you mentally in a place where you can get some enjoyment out of things and work out what you want to do to make your life happier. Being a mum is relentless, and at times tedious, but it can be fun too. You do need things that aren’t kid focussed though...if you want to go out with your friends for a night can that be arranged? Do you get any time to do the things you enjoy?

Things can improve. It doesn’t have to be like this

Firstly I think you need to see your GP and ask for some help.

Secondly, life with small kids isn't what it's like on TV or in the media... it's relentless, exhausting and hard work. There are times when most of us have felt "what the fuck have i done" having children, and it's easy to get really bogged down with it. Try finding something in the day for you - whether it's a walk, a swim, reading a book. Physical exercise can make you feel better. You have to have some good things as well as the drudge. I often felt very trapped when my DC were under 10, it was so hard going at times.

Thirdly, talk to your DH. He's going to have noticed that you're struggling, and he will want to help. I'm really sorry you feel like this and hope it gets better soon .

I don’t think comments that ‘having 6 year olds could be a passion’ is helpful at all. This is the shit women are told to accept, that our total identify should be wrapped up in husband, children and house.

I agree with other posters that you sound like you lost your sense of self, and believe that your family should be all it’s needed to make you feel fulfilled. This could be why you sound depressed, or it could be the depression that makes you feel like this. At 38 it could be mid life crisis, a time that makes you looking deeper at your life choices. I don’t think it’s something mumsnet can help. I agree counselling will help. And if you can go private, definitely do it.

There is nothing to stop you going round the world as your original plan...you just adapt it to include your family...at the minute there is a family sailing round the world ,another family in a camper van also going round the world,they both have blogs you can follow and they both have children.what an amazing adventure the 4 of you could have 😀

And at 38 you still have more than half your life ahead of you. The average expected life expectancy of a British woman is now over 80. It’s not to late to get help.

You say you lost all your friends because you had your children. You can't seriously expect a couple of six year olds to fill that void ? I mean I know they can be lovely and all , but unless you are going overboard on the pocket money they can hardly be expected to get a round in can they ?
What is stopping you going out for a night out with your old friends so that your visage can be popped on to social media the next day , all pouty and proud , or shiny and squiffy as is more often the case
Take a step back from the 'making memories' mind set and think about the things you miss most from your previous child free existence, what made you happy then ?
Every year I escape with one of my oldest friends for a three night break , I look forward to this more than anything else in the whole year , far more than family holidays. I love my children, but I do not expect them being in my life to fulfil everything I want from life.

And yeah the pictures are generally a bit crap

Yes, you could be drepressed but you could also just be mourning the "you" that you were before you had kids and settled into the mundanity of day to day life with them.

Starface hss written a brilliant post above. Find something to invest in for yourself; a course/hobby etc. Get a cleaner. If you lack motivation then you might need a bit of therapy or some ads, in which case see a doctor but you can change things for yourself.

Or go camping as a family for more than 2 nights , that always makes me appreciate everything that is good in my life

Too many expectations that kids are the be all and end all. I love mine but found it very hard and mainly boring. Much prefer them now they are adults
Maybe you will like them better when they are interesting?
In the meantime try to delegate all the bits you hate. They won’t even really mind and find out what pleases you.
I remember someone asking what my hobbies were at your stage and I honestly didn’t know what they meant.
Don’t feel guilty. I think a lot of people are seriously disappointed in babies or children. It doesn’t make you a bad person.
I kept feeling I had been sold a lie but hand on heart I love my kids.

First you admit that you have a problem, which is a really important step, the next step is to actively doing something about it.

You are 38, your life is nowhere near behind you! If you think that now, you will have decades of regrets. Your children are 6, they will grow more and more independent and you will get your life back - stupid expression, but the children stage really doesn't last long.

Do take the steps now, and make sure you don't lose the best years of your life still coming.

(and instead of the fridge, I have a wall with these frames so it looks less messy to me)

Oh my goodness.
I have had bouts of depression similar to what you describe, but to hear you have been feeling like this for 6 years breaks my heart a little.

Please do go see your GP and talk this through.
You absolutely can feel better than this, and you definitely deserve to.

Good luck

You aren't alone in feeling like you do. I felt like I was having mid life crisis at the grand age of 27! to the point where I considered leaving DP and letting him be the main carer for our DC.

I recently went to the GP and they prescribed me some antidepressants and I have to say they have worked. I still have my down days but it has made everything so much more manageable.

If I hadn't of gone I would've ended up going on self destruct mode and probably breaking up the family due to me being "bored"

Can't hear to go to the GP and talk through your feelings.

The grass always seems greener on the other side.