To consider finding a life coach? (has anyone else consulted one & how useful was it?)

[Livingtothefull]

I need to find a way through the following challenges:

My DS has severe disabilities both physically and learning-related (have posted elsewhere on this)….I find it a struggle to deal with this and the practical problems that ensue from it, & reconcile these with the rest of my life.

I have been trying to get my professional career off the ground….invested substantial money and time & ultimately got the highest level of qualification in my field. But I don't really feel this has paid off as all I have been able to find is a series of fixed term contracts in relatively junior roles.

I would like to get a satisfactory career & am trying to find something else but all I get is a series of rejections for every role I apply for.

I find it hard to find the headspace for everything I am trying to do, as the enormity of it all makes it hard to think straight. I feel myself getting bitter and negative and anticipating rejection, I know that feeling this way is making things worse but I don't know how to stop that thought pattern when everything seems to be shoving me into it.

Sometimes I feel like just giving up although I NEVER will….but nothing seems to go my way, I feel that I do everything I can think of doing & just get negativity and rejection in return.

I just want to understand (or find someone to help me understand) what I am doing wrong and how to turn this negative pattern around.

Anyone?

I don't think it's necessarily anything you are doing wrong, just that it's a tough job market currently and you have lots of other issues to contend with which possibly make it harder for you. Do you have much support from partner, family friends ?
Don't beat yourself up about being at a certain point in your career, sometimes it takes people longer to get where they want to be or sometimes life takes you in a different direction. I've learnt that sometimes you have to take a step back first in order to progress. I've just given up a well paid job because it was making me miserable and anxious every day, I'm now a lot lower paid but happier.

I'm not sure a life coach would be helpful. You already know what the challenges and obstacles are, because you've identified them very clearly here. What you need is practical help overcoming them, not a life coach to tell you what they are.

It's possible that the life coaches I know colour my opinion of how useful they are. All but one of those I know are not people whose own lives are happy or successful and their coaching seems to amount to a real-life version of "you own your own happiness" memes that you see (and they post endlessly) on social media.

Thanks Babyroobs, I know it is a difficult job market so want to ensure that I am doing everything possible to tip the odds in my favour. That is why I thought that getting expert advice may be helpful.

I don't expect a high powered highly paid role…you are quite right that there is no point earning a high income if you are unhappy. But it is arguably just as miserable being in a role you are over qualified for…I have been there too.

So a good balance is what I am trying to achieve, I want to be using my skills & am not looking for the highest paying role, just enough to cover our living costs plus a bit extra will do. I just want to be reasonably fulfilled and respected at work.

That's really useful feedback WiggyPig thank you…you are right it is practical support I need to achieve what I know already what I want.

I want to better recognise and articulate my strengths to ensure I am doing myself justice during a job application process. I also want to understand how to cultivate resilience and not be knocked back by the (seemingly endless) rejections….some folk like me need to have these skills methodically explained to them.

At the moment I fell negative and lacking in confidence, how to turn that on its head? Maybe I could actually be of help to others if I could crack this. Have you any thoughts about how I could get the support I need?

I also want to improve my health as I am fat & have been really ill this winter….tried really hard to improve things last summer (running, working out at home, trying to eat healthy) with no tangible results. Again as with the job search I seem to be doing it all wrong.

So: career, health & DS (not in any particular order - I know DS comes first). I need to find a way to help me deal with all of these, would love to feel like a force to be reckoned with rather than a failure.

I've had some coaching through work recently and it was fab, I'd really recommend it. However I don't know how you could distinguish a good coach from a snake oil merchant.

I must admit I'm also not entirely sure how to deal with negative aspects of myself, having had it drilled into me that you cannot change yourself. I am too lazy to go to the gym. If I accept this, that's a negative opinion about myself. But if I don't accept it I'll keep beating myself up about it.

A friend wanted to develop her career as an artist, and she did find a very good coach who specialises in coaching artists. The coach helped her work out what to invest her time and energy into, and where to buy in help. The advice was excellent. Now two years later she's about to quit her final non-artist contract, and go full time into what she wants to do.

Thanks trilbydoll, yes I have the concern that if I do seek professional help it needs to be from someone who has the skills to make a difference. I just don't have the resources (in terms of either time or money) to waste on someone who is not placed to help me or is just out to rip off someone vulnerable & gullible (like me).

If anyone can recommend someone who has been helpful to them that would be great…please pm me if you don't want to post on here.

I don't know to what extent I need to accept my limitations and play to my strengths (may need some help to identify these…at times I don't know what they are or even if I have any at all) or whether I need to work to overcome said limitations and weaknesses.

You've probably thought of this already but if you're willing to seek specialist support would you break it down into chunks rather than a nebulous general-life-coach issue?

So a specialist recruitment consultant for the job hunt, a personal trainer for the health steps, etc? Are you eligible for respite care for your DS, just to give you a breather? It sounds like you are trying to make ALL the changes immediately - I'm prone to this too - and it makes it feel worse when you can't. If that makes sense.

I did a personal development course with a life coach, fully expecting it to be nonsense, and I'd only agreed to do the course to make up numbers.

Instead it was really good. She did a lot of work on our self-awareness, which in turn led me to reconsider some areas of low self-confidence, and that in turn let me into returning to higher education and I'm due to graduate with a diploma at the end of the year.

I feel like both a different person and more 'me' than ever before, both at the same time. I realise I'm straying into motivational meme territory there but it's true.

I'd say it was a positive experience that helped me make changes I never thought possible, and I've built on that with some personal counselling as well, which might be another consideration for you.

I can't recommend the life coach I worked with as she's not taking on clients at the moment, she's working within a specific organisation for a while, but I can recommend the experience and I hope you find someone who's right for you to work with.

Thanks Hygge, I am glad the experience was positive & helpful for you. I need to find a solution that works for me.

Do it definitely! I'm a career coach and when I meet other coaches for CPD it always gives me clarity with whatever topic I bring.

As a coach I should be asking you powerful questions to help you come to a conclusion. As a mum off to bed about to lose an hour's sleep I say do it!

Thanks Ikanon, do you know how I could go about finding a career coach who could help me?

I would say do it. Coaching was very useful to me when I was battling with ‘balance’ in my life - career, children, exercise, relationship. I had a coach through work who really helped. I didn’t see her that many times - 5/6 maybe?

My husband has a life coach who he sees when he’s getting stressed - he is self employed so I think it helps him as he doesn’t have a boss or mentor.

It’s all about finding someone who is good at asking questions. That’s what a good coach does. Definitely worth having a go. Pm me if you’re in London and I’ll pass on the details of my husbands life coach.

Living unfortunately that's where I'm a bit useless. I do it as part of an organisation so don't know about the wider market. If you PM me your location if it's in my area I can recommend an independent coach in my network.

I can highly recommend Benjamin Fry. You'll find him if you Google. He is a psychological coach.

I briefly had one, I found it a miserable experience and stoped before the end of the course. It seem to be an identify how my life wasn’t what I thought I wanted, career wasn’t what I wanted - how to solve: move I can’t dh is mid medical degree etc.

I found it heartbreaking and very stressful. I am glad others find it useful though.

Thanks all for your feedback. Kitty - yes what I am afraid of is that it will highlight everything that is wrong with my life. Unless it can help me identify things I can do to make changes for the better, it is no worth doing.

It is really hard for people who have not been there, to understand what it is like to care for a DC with severe disabilities alongside trying to have a career. At times I just feel swamped. Like today….I can't just pop out, go to the gym or go shopping etc & leave DS to his own devices, he can't be left on his own & can't just be carted around. Going anywhere is a major undertaking.

We have had a family invitation over Easter….yes we will go because it is good for us all incl DS but it does need to be planned for and it will be stressful.

I have felt quite swamped with caring for DS today, just his personal care is a lot of work. I have to claim for some benefits for him & believe me, it is made as hard as possible to deter people from claiming unless they are truly desperate. I feel very depressed and isolated today; I try to view depression as one would bad weather; today is a cloudy miserable day but tomorrow will hopefully be better. So how do I find a coach with the insight to teach me something about how to manage myself?

I've never used this lady but I've heard of her from others. She offers a complimentary call so might be worth a quick chat?

www.carolineraecoaching.com/

You sound under a lot of pressure from a practical point of view. It sounds to me like you would like to be heard and valued as a person outside of your role as a mum and carer. You are obviously skilled and intelligent and would like to carve out a part of life for you to express this, be validated and paid. Agree totally that forms to apply for benefits are made to put you off applying btw!
I would think about looking at 'solution focused therapy', whereby you look at where you want to be and work backwards from that point. What is is it you need to do to get there? You might be able just to work it out for yourself or use a therapist to explore how to get there.

Thanks niddy, yes I feel I have a lot to contribute but it is as though I have never been able to figure out where & what form that contribution could best be made. At times I have experienced the 'flow' where things seem to fall into place & I am making a valuable contribution…..want to be able to feel like that much of the time.

I have worked hard to get where I am & I do need to be respected at work…..I don't mean I have to be agreed with all the time just need to feel that what I say matters. I hate that feeling of needing to suppress myself and say & do what is expected….have been there & experienced this many times.

I think I need much more self confidence however many times when I've lacked self confidence is because I am conscious if I say what I really think I will be dismissed because my face doesn't fit (have been there too). So is self confidence really the issue here? I don't know…sometimes I feel I don't know anything.

The daily grind of caring for DS has to be witnessed to be believed….just walking into town with DS in wheelchair is a major undertaking (potholes/lack of dropped kerbs leaving us stranded on busy roads/pushing combined weight of near adult DS and wheelchair anyone?) Not that I don't love every inch of my dear DS (not bragging about my mothering…every half decent parent loves their DC that way) but I don't love the work that goes with him.

Does that make me selfish given that the work is part & parcel of having DS? Is it selfish to want a fulfilling career, something DS will never have? (he has severe learning difficulties along with his physical disability). I don't know. Can any coach help me answer these questions and if so are the answers something I will want to hear?

Thanks Lilly for the link, I will check this out too. I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond here.

You sound like you need practical help on 3 distinct areas and no one coach is going to be able to offer you that.

Some suggestions:

Weight - join the low carb group on here. Best diet for dropping the pounds and lots of support from the group members.

Get an at home personal trainer. They can give you a kick start and help you to build a routine that can be slotted in around your other commitments.

Post on here about your job search/career aspirations. There are some incredibly knowledgeable people and plenty of hr/recruiters/managers who will help, without having to pay for a coach and listen to them spout motivational bollocks at you, hun

Again, post on here about your child. You will get lots of help in signposting help and support.

Thanks very much Fosterdog, I have a better realisation that no coach is likely to have the magic key to turning my life around and I need to look for targeted help with each of the aspects I want to change for the better.

Where can I find the 'low carb' group? Is this effective as a weight loss method? I find it is hard to get & keep the motivation to make a difference in this area…I have started by measuring myself (in cm as I can't face the bitter truth in inches - how pathetic is that? I took great care not to let the tape measure turn over so I could see my measurements in inches so yes….truly pathetic). I hope that if I see some progress week on week that will motivate me, I need to start somewhere.

Re career…..what I really need is practical help with interviews as I do often find it really hard to gather my thoughts & sell myself. I am pretty clear about the type of role I want so don't need any particular guidance here.

Re DS…I am fairly well informed about our entitlements & the help that is out there. So many of my concerns are about the day to day practical details and wanting them to be heard.

To give just one single example (sorry a rant coming on); travelling by bus. I got on the bus with DS. A pushchair was in the wheelchair space as frequently happens, this one was empty with no sign of child or parent so I couldn't get in the space properly, there was another pushchair on board and this parent moved into the gangway for me.

We get to a stop, the owner of the pushchair (who was sitting at the back of the bus with her child on her lap) comes back to it wanting to get off, starts ranting in a panic that she can't reach her pushchair to get off.

Other parent with 2nd pushchair says she will move when she can but not while the bus is moving. I say to the empty pushchair owner: 'Your pushchair shouldn't be there, it's in a wheelchair space, so I'm not going out of my way for you'.

Wheelchair owner starts shouting that she needs to get her pushchair, she can't get at it & demanding we get out of your way. Me: 'I am going to do nothing to make your life easier'.

When the bus stops I give her the minimum of space possible to get her chair off. She gets off still ranting.

Tell me that I am wrong/unreasonable given that:

The wheelchair space is the only dedicated space on the bus where DS can sit, but it is frequently blocked by other passengers like this who roughly 50% of the time, fail to move for us.

Sometimes we are refused access to the bus altogether due to a non wheelchair user being in the space. Nothing makes you feel like a 2nd class citizen more than watching everyone else troop onto a bus that my DS is denied access to.

I have had frequent rows with drivers and other passengers about this. Sometimes I just want to go on a journey with DS and have a nice time without arguments and run ins.

How is a coach going to tell me how to handle these situations when I don't know myself? I don't know if I was unduly aggressive…but being passive doesn't seem to be an option, I sometimes need to stand up for DS rights and need to be more effective about doing so, but how?

Nothing wrong at all in measuring yourself in a metric you don't really understand. If I'm feeling overweight, I don't get on the scales because I know it will demotivate me. Like you, I'd rather not know until it's something I can live with! I'll find the link to the low-carb group in a minute but yes it is a guaranteed weight loss plan if you follow it.

As for the bus incident, I'd say that you do sound a bit unnecessary and gobby!! I'm not judging as I can be as stubborn as a mule with stuff like this and go head to head. However, you really do catch more flies with honey and being lovely and charming but assertive still usually works better on most people.

If you want other opinions though and are feeling very robust, go on aibu!!! You will get told straight people's views on how you handle it.