To consider finding a life coach? (has anyone else consulted one & how useful was it?)

[Livingtothefull]

I need to find a way through the following challenges:

My DS has severe disabilities both physically and learning-related (have posted elsewhere on this)….I find it a struggle to deal with this and the practical problems that ensue from it, & reconcile these with the rest of my life.

I have been trying to get my professional career off the ground….invested substantial money and time & ultimately got the highest level of qualification in my field. But I don't really feel this has paid off as all I have been able to find is a series of fixed term contracts in relatively junior roles.

I would like to get a satisfactory career & am trying to find something else but all I get is a series of rejections for every role I apply for.

I find it hard to find the headspace for everything I am trying to do, as the enormity of it all makes it hard to think straight. I feel myself getting bitter and negative and anticipating rejection, I know that feeling this way is making things worse but I don't know how to stop that thought pattern when everything seems to be shoving me into it.

Sometimes I feel like just giving up although I NEVER will….but nothing seems to go my way, I feel that I do everything I can think of doing & just get negativity and rejection in return.

I just want to understand (or find someone to help me understand) what I am doing wrong and how to turn this negative pattern around.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/low_carb_bootcamp

There's a 1 week mini boot camp on here you could join.

Thanks Fosterdog and for the link. Just to be clear: I am not proud of & do not enjoy being 'gobby' I HATE it. But I don't see how being lovely & charming will help me or DS.

This woman left her pushchair in the wheelchair space, she would have been aware when DS boarded with the ramp going down & side doors opened - and still just sat tight. Who on earth does that? This is my DS legal right to be accommodated on public transport that we are talking about, people seem to feel free to disregard his rights when inconvenient for them & what's more they get away with it.

With the best will in the world I can't be charming about this. I don't want to be gobby, I don't enjoy it at all but I do want his rights to be upheld.

I am feeling really down and demoralised this morning….tried to apply for DS benefits online, spent hours filling the forms & all the information I spent hours completing has somehow been lost. I applied for dozens of jobs over the weekend & haven't had a single response. Am I really that unemployable? I feel that I am on the scrap heap already, wish that I hadn't wasted £1000's on training & qualifications for non existent jobs. I could have spent it on my DS instead (maybe on taxis for him).

I wonder if counselling or psychotherapy might help more.

I can’t help but wonder if all these areas are interlinked and connected to your psyche. And that talking about your feelings, having them acknowledged and validated would help you with the other areas.

Have you ever had the opportunity to talk about your deepest feelings regarding your DS for example.

I work as a leadership coach and one of my main tasks is helping people who are overwhelmed to sort through their priorities and their options and the impact of the choices they are making.
I agree that for your complex situation you might be better with a) specific interview/job search coaching and b) counselling or therapy to support you with all the different stuff going on. You sound an amazing mum and advocate for your dc.

Thanks both. Quantumblue, yes I understand that I need more targeted help in the specific areas where expert advice is helpful. So I have moved away from my original purpose of looking for a single 'life coach'; I think that came from wanting to have someone on my side. Life seems so impossibly hard at times, I have been tearful much of today thinking about it.

I am not sure what kind of psychotherapy would be helpful Deux or the extent to which my problems are rooted in myself or if it is just that the challenges of my life show up the inner weaknesses.

I never talk about DS…..it is not him that is the issue just all the work & practical difficulty that goes with him. Eg I have tried to talk to my family about this; that because of DS disability he needs to be at the centre of any planning for family get togethers etc.

Yet again though we have had an invitation for a get together at the weekend at my DB home. He lives in quite a 'vertical' building with a flat on several levels with steps, on the first floor with steps up to the flat & no lift. What I would really love to hear is 'we are planning a get together. What do you need us to do to support you so that DS can come? Where is the best place to hold it so we can plan?' I have asked for this outright before now.

But we don't get any of that…we just get a 'summons' (it feels like this although it is an invite…the plans are made then they get round to letting us know), although I have tried to explain that going anywhere is a major undertaking we are expected to just cope. So that's why I feel unheard. It may be helpful to talk about how I feel but I do need practical advice and help not just a sympathetic listener.

The reason I got so upset on the bus btw is that access to the wheelchair space means the difference between getting around (like the rest of us take for granted) and not being able to go anywhere. Well I do travel with DS a lot less than I used to so I suppose people like the selfish woman on the bus have got their way. There is a reason why you don't see that many disabled people o public transport.

I think you sound amazingly strong and determined, just a bit defeated and alone. You’ve shown exceptional fortitude to cope with what you have and study too.

Don’t see it as having weaknesses, just feelings that can be addressed.

I know, eg that some parents of children with disabilities can be effectively in a state of long term emotional shock. Overeating can be a means of stuffing down uncomfortable feelings with food. Excess weight can be a form of padding. Not saying these apply to you or are universal.

I think it would be worth looking at a talking therapy to start with. If you have a good relationship with the therapist, it will be a really safe place for you to land.

Do you have any opportunity to belong to any carers type groups? Do you get respite care in any way?

Thank you Deux. Yes I do feel lonely much of the time….just feel it is all too much, I feel guilty & week for not being able to proactively make my life better & by default improve my DS's and my family's lives.

There may be something in the cause of the overweight…certainly it started after DS was born. And I did suffer emotional shock, actually it occurs to me I may have had PTSD. It was a terrible terrible time. Probably too late to do anything about it now though.

Phone calls from prospective employers have been conspicuous by their absence today. DH asked if I had been contacted by any so to set his mind at rest I said 'a few'. I don't want him upset, he has enough on his shoulders. I love and respect him very much he is a wonderful Dfather.

My family are a blessing. I would give up if it wasn't for them, as it is I NEVER will. I will just carry on getting on with it & the ball and chain of emotional pain will just have to come along with me for the ride.

I want to call a particular family member for support but am worried I will start sobbing. I need to get out of the self pity phase first.

Yep Amy Shefik aka the fierce flamingo

thefierceflamingo.com

Thanks MorganKitten, do you know anyone who has worked with her/any testimonials?

In would never underestimate the benefits of having someone to talk to

we sell coaching and the idea is simply ‘time to think ‘
Most of the time it’s a very structured conversation and you need to get things on the table and map out solutions and priorities
A lot of the time when talking you work things out , or get clearer at least

You have alot on your plate so I thing the right approach could help actually .

From reading you need help around

Resilience
Where to target
Health and well being
And coping with your child’s complex needs ?

So then the coach will say what’s the most interesting to discuss today , and they would set some targeted goals with you

In life we never really talk about our issues I feel . We have chats with family but they don’t often listen and there are always interruptions

Please do PM me if you want to discuss ( I am not a coach !)

I totally agree with Deux above.
You sound amazingly strong and resilient.
Even the strongest people stumble sometimes- and that's OK.

You have a huge amount of responsibility on your plate and any employer would be lucky to have you.

I don't think you realise your own strength, though, and you are taking the rejection of the job market personally. I'm not suggesting that this is a failure on your part, but it's another setback to bounce back from. Your "bouncability" sounds a bit depleted.

I get it- I have a child with additional needs (nowhere near as much as your DS) and I get that failing is not an option, because of the impact on your child.

As stopfuckingshouting says, there is huge power in talking to someone (has to be a listener though)

Family can be just unable to listen - you need someone who will reflect things back to you so you can "hear yourself".

Whether that's a life coach or counselling or career guidance person- I really think a lot depends on the right person.

Thank you all. Yes I want to have conversations with a supportive individual who can help me to find my own way in deciding how to prioritise and devote my attention to and feel less at the mercy of circumstances…..but in a focused and constructive way, not a mere sympathetic listener.

And I do need to find the right person whether life coach/psychotherapist/career counsellor (or some combination of these).

It is hard not to feel negative about oneself when events seem to conspire to make me feel this way….how to rise above all that and not feel bitter, angry, resentful? I can't wish these away and they feel like just another set of things to deal with, so I don't know where to even start turning things round.

Ok - you want to find your own way to....where?

You see when I read back through your posts, I'm struck by your strength and resilience. You must be immensely brave and strong to carry your son and his needs; that on it's own would be too much enough for most people.
Instead you've gone and completed high level qualifications. You've learned how to care for your DS (reading between the lines, I suspect you've had to learn a lot of home nursing skills).
You are an admirable person.

When I read back through how you describe yourself, I don't hear you value this at all.
You mention being overweight
being angry on the bus,
being rejected at work,
the grind of caring for DS (I'm not minimising this at all- it is relentless and energy sapping)
being lonely,
caring for your DH's feelings.
You say that you feel angry (reasonable) resentful (understandable) and bitter (entering dangerous territory there).

It sounds like you need a positive goal...something to aim for. I suspect that focussing your energy on yourself is not something that you are in the habit of doing.
But you have to fill up your own tank before you can be the best support to your family.

SO........what is most important to you right now?
Is it losing weight? (in your own hands)
Or getting a better/longer term job? (relies a bit on others)

It strikes me that if you find the right goal, that will spark your attention and enthusiasm.

You need a "WIN" in your life, I think?

Adelica, I think that what I want is a sense of personal power, that I am operating from a position of strength & am not one of life's poor victims. That is what I am ultimately hoping a coach could help me find.

The most important thing to me is my DS, I need to be successful so that I can support him & give him a secure place in life. I feel that I can never be good enough for him, although I have achieved a lot of things a lot of them are what most people in my shoes would do. Most people who found themselves with a disabled DC would rise to the challenge (no disrespect to those who can't, I know how hard it is so would be the last to judge)

I get angry when DS rights seem to be trampled on as on the bus, and that the fact that it happens is somehow a reflection on me; that if I were as powerful as I should be as his DM I would never allow it to happen.

It is hard to put a finger on what I want…I just want to be heard, for what I say & do to matter. I don't get much of that in rl.

Sounds like you have a lot of stuff going on OP, A rather overwhelming amount in fact.

In terms of your career my suggestion would be to try and get some time with an experienced person in your industry who can give you some candid advice about The strength of your CV for the roles you’re looking for - it isn’t really clear to me from what you’ve written whether you are at the right bar but your application technique is letting you down or whether there is a more fundamental problem with your CV and experience. I think if you can get some clear answers that they should put you in a much better position to work out how to move forward towards getting the job you want.

I don’t know what career you’re in but you mentioned wanting your views respected. That is natural however if you are only being hired for very junior roles it may be that The dynamic in your your industry that means that not much weight is accorded to them. And perhaps your unhappiness at this is coming across too strongly? Just a thought but maybe worth trying to get honest feedback from people you’ve worked with

Hi OP I havent time to respond to your post now but will try and reply tomorrow. Love and light x

I want is a sense of personal power, that I am operating from a position of strength & am not one of life's poor victims.

^This.
This is what you need, I think.

I operate like this- (I had to learn how to do it). My mindset has become "power in- power over- power under".
I never let anyone or any situation have power-over me; I choose to have power-in myself. (can be as small as doing my nails when i'm tired, or completing the ironing when I don't want to ...or as big as tackling school for something my DS needs).
Then I write down my "wins" - almost daily.

Who in RL is not hearing you? Is it your DH? Your family who don't listen to what your DS needs? Your work who don't listen to your opinion?

Or is it you? Is your guilt for DS preventing you from hearing what you need for you?

It's impossible for anyone to have that conversation with you online...and that's why I feel you could do with the fucking hard work of talking to a professional listener.
They're not all equally good by any means...real therapy is bloody hard work. But I don't get the impression that hard work would faze you .

I don't feel heard much in life Adelica though it may be my self pity thinking that than the reality of what is going on. I just feel swamped.

DH & I are in this together but he gets stressed and sometimes takes it out on me (as I probably do to him). I haven't heard yet about arrangements for forthcoming family get together…have called & left message about this but don't know when we are expected, whether any help is lined up for us etc. It is really helpful to know these things in advance so we can plan.

DS has been full on today, climbing the walls almost literally. I heard a massive thud from his room then silence, of course rushed in in a panic fearing the worst. It turns out he had been trying to unpack his summer clothes (he thinks because it is nearly April it is time we did this although we have discussed with him already that it isn't quite warm enough yet). He had tried to open a stack of storage boxes and succeeded in overbalancing all of them…luckily they didn't land on him.

This is what it is like, what we are up against. We have to keep an eye on him all the time all the time just as small children have to be supervised…except for us the situation is permanent not for a few short years.

I want to talk about this with a skilled person and hope to find happiness to deal with this. This is the challenge I have of trying to operate from a position of power whilst feeling swamped by the day to day, with problems coming at me from several directions.

…hope to find strategies to deal with this.

Sorry for not being back.

"Swamped".. that's an interesting word.
I have to say that you don't sound like a swamped person; you sound very very busy and very very competent.
You are carrying a lot but seem to be doing it so well.

I wonder are you paying attention to all the "wins" that you have every day?

And what does "not swamped"look like , if you had to describe it?

Well maybe 'swamped' isn't quite the right word Adelica though I do refer to 'feeling' rather than 'being' swamped. I suppose I do get on with everything not particularly well though….sometimes I am astounded at what we have to deal with yet somehow still find myself doing it.

'Not swamped' is I would guess not feeling overburdened with things to do, not having nagging fears about the future, feeling that I have the time and space to prioritise and to actually select what my priorities are & handle them well.

At the moment I feel I don't know what is going to hit me next, that makes the pressure pile on. The latest thing; DS had a seizure in the middle of the night (has had them before), bit himself in the mouth and bled on his pillow. Today he seems in good spirits but his speech is slurred so have contacted GP for advice.

Had to go to work of course as normal. Does that sound callous? I can't do anything to stop the seizures happening, DS was with an expert carer during the day…..but I still feel bad.

I was also hoping (praying?) that I might get more response to job apps today after the Easter break but again…..nothing.

So I feel that my life is a combination of situations I have to deal with which I would never have asked for, and situations I can't handle as I would like because I have zero control.

I am going through a difficult time right now….or rather a particularly difficult phase of a demanding time. We have just been told that a particular benefit for DS we applied for - which we had been counting on - has been refused.

Of course we will appeal etc but it is a shame that we have to have all the stress of the appeal process. Right now we feel we just can't face it all. We will though, we always do.

I am not proud of feeling so negative, I would love to be different. I want to be free of the terrible fear of DS future, when the day comes that we are no longer able to look after him.

My DS has been denied so many things that most of us take for granted, I just want to know he will be cared for in a place where he can be with other young adults where he can be social and have fun. It's not too much to ask for surely?

I just feel swamped, I am nowhere in this. 'Life coach'….who am I kidding? There is no 'me', just a feeling, doing, striving, fearing thing. There is no autonomous life to be yielded to coaching…I simply get on and do what has to be done.

I'm done now. Or rather….I'm done for now. I have had enough.

DS was offered a place at a college for SN young adults, he would have been set up for at least 3 years. We have just been told that our LA has refused funding for said college place.

We are of course appealing however this means we will have to lawyer up and it will cost us £££s. Good thing that I have been saving for years though I saved to give us financial security & a better quality of life, not for this.

And it will cost us at a time when I am about to be out of work. Still no contacts about jobs despite applying for dozens. I don't know what I am doing wrong.

Last day of Easter school holidays today so I took DS for lunch. On the way home his wheelchair broke so I couldn't push it properly….the thing nearly toppled over so it was downright dangerous trying to push him down a pavement next to a busy road. Managed to get home & I am exhausted now.

I will get on and do what I have to do, as I always do. I am not despairing. But there is nobody out there to help me with all this & I was kidding myself to think there was. Our situation is what it is.

www.theguardian.com/society/2018/apr/14/disabled-people-lose-legal-aid-99-per-cent-benefits-disputes