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AIBU?

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Original poster

OH went to strip clubs before we met

101 replies

Pissedoff881 · 24/03/2018 08:31

Name changed.
Ok a bit of back story first -
Been with my partner for 2 years (I’m 29 and he’s 33) and we have had a fairly rocky relationship. The first few months involved him being so hot and cold with me all the time and he kept ending the relationship and then begging for me back. It was a total head fuck and I was quite vulnerable then as had just come out of a long term relationship with my ex.
Things started to get a lot better between us and a few months later I asked him why he had behaved like that at the start. He admitted it was partly to do with the fact he thought I was too overweight for him (I was a size 14 then and he knew what I looked like from date 1 so I don’t know why he didn’t just stop things from going any further then if it had been that much of a problem for him).
I felt humiliated and really hurt that he had treated me so badly for a few months because of that reason.
Like a fool though I stayed with him and the next year between us has been a lot better.
Last night he randomly told me that he has paid for private lap dances before in the past a few times (before we ever knew each other).
I feel AWFUL about this. Not only because i just don’t agree with strip clubs full stop for a lot of reasons, but also because I hate the thought that he has paid women he finds sexually appealing to grind naked on him, but treated me so badly because of my body shape.
I’ve lost a bit of weight but my self esteem is at rock bottom and I don’t know how to sort it out.

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 24/03/2018 10:48

He's broken your confidence to make you dependant, now he gets to break all of your boundaries down one by one.

Don't talk to him about how his behaviour makes you feel. If you decide to stay with him, set clear boundaries with no explanation given.
Stop trying to justify yourself to him.

g1itterati · 24/03/2018 10:48

"he’s underweight and very skinny with zero muscle. I couldn’t really care less about stuff like that but he’s definitely not perfect himself"

There you have it. He's insecure about his own skinny body and trying to project this into you. It's you who's "too big" at a size 14, not him too weedy.

He sounds very shallow, narrow-minded, petty and lacking in integrity. What do you see in him again?

BadLad · 24/03/2018 10:50

You only get one life, and it's quite short. Be glad that you've only wasted two years on this pillock.

Huntinginthedark · 24/03/2018 10:52

Agree yes slowly chipping away at you
Next it will be, I am going to a strip club
But I know you don’t mind about it

TheletterZ · 24/03/2018 10:53

Does he have an eating disorder? You said he is very skinny, comments on your food choices and wants you to lose weight. Is he controlling about what he eats as well? It could be he has his own insecurities and is trying to push them onto you.

That aside, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, not the fact he had a lap dance but the way he told you means he was looking to hurt.

Short term it will be painful to end the relationship, long term it will be much better.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 24/03/2018 10:55

Oh my god. Please dump this absolute loser.

He has worn you down so your self esteem is zero.

Envisage yourself as a single woman. Do you feel happier, or worse than you do now?

AnyFucker · 24/03/2018 10:56

If someone committed murder before meeting you would it be considered "irrelevant" ?

He's either the kind of man who pays women to see their tits or he isn't

Raffles1981 · 24/03/2018 10:57

My emotionally abusive ex husband did the exact same thing when we met. Wouldn't answer my messages, kept blowing hot and cold, until he basically had me begging him to give our relationship a chance. Massive , massive red flag OP. This is not good.

Original poster
Pissedoff881 · 24/03/2018 10:59

@thisletter he does have a bit of a weird relationship with food. He often binges on things like chocolate but he’ll pick and fuss over his meals and always says how stuffed he is after only eating a regular sized portion (last night he had one chicken Kiev and about 5 chips and a couple of pieces of broccoli and he was saying he felt sick from how full he was). He’s 6ft 2 with a very labour intensive job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pissedoff881 · 24/03/2018 11:01

@raffles this is exactly what he was like. He would be so into me one day telling me how amazing I was etc, and then the next time I saw him he’d be incredibly frosty and would barely even speak. He would end the relationship a few times saying he needed to be alone, but the next day he’d be saying he’d made a mistake and wanting me back. It really did mess with my head

OP posts:
PhoebefromFriends · 24/03/2018 11:03

OP make sure your contraception is bullet proof and get some help to improve your self esteem. It seems to me that you are desperate to be with someone and are fearful of being alone. Going from one relationship to another isn't a sign of a confident person who is happy being on their own. Please get some support so you can see that this person is no good for you. You deserve better than this.

Raffles1981 · 24/03/2018 11:07

I really, really want to tell you to leave while you can OP. But this is not my relationship. Just know - I wasted seven years on a man who wore me down, made me think I was the ugly, useless one in our relationship and made me feel lonely, isolated and scared of him. I got to the point where I considered suicide. And then something happened to me that woke me up, gave me the strength to leave him and get my self back. Please, just read up about emotional abuse, gaslighting and then really think about being with this man. I wish someone had given me this advice. Xxx

LonginesPrime · 24/03/2018 11:08

He is a lot better towards me now

So he's gone from being a very shit boyfriend to a marginally shit one?

What a catch.

Serialweightwatcher · 24/03/2018 11:13

He sounds awful and I think you know that - you say you've lost a bit of weight, presumably for him because he made you feel so bad about being a 14 (lower than average) but he obviously fancied you or wouldn't have bothered. Shame you didn't bin him at the beginning when he was treating you like crap - he was probably having lap dances then and that's why he couldn't look at you sometimes - I think you know what you should do .. you're young and do you really want to spend the next 50 years with that?

Raffles1981 · 24/03/2018 11:16

So he's gone from being a very shit boyfriend to a marginally shit one?

What a catch

^^ this. Of course he has. But OP will feel like he's a real prince right now, he's making the effort, being wonderful. And then he'll start the mind games. What is it with men like this? I despair to think someone else falls into this shitty trap. Angry

BlankTimes · 24/03/2018 11:16

Have you read this? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody?msgid=14222717

I suggest you finish with this abusive man then read Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that? as well. unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Flowers

iBiscuit · 24/03/2018 11:16

My DP visited a club when he was newly single. For various reasons, not least of which his lack of awareness at the time of how exploitative clubs like this can be, I don't think less of him for it.

However, he's not a dick. You're only two years into this relationship - it should still be easy.

Get rid.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 24/03/2018 11:19

I’m sorry you had to go through a miscarriage 💐 but hand on heart, I’m glad you’re not pregnant to this wanker.

When I was 29 I felt ‘too old’ to ‘start again’. I truly did. I understand how when you are 29, you don’t feel young. But you are. Try to believe that.

From the beginning he’s treat you badly. You allowed it because you were still in a mess about your ex.

He’s done a right number on you and hammered your self confidence.

If you stay with him, you’re in for a lifetime of controlling abusive behaviour. You know he is an arse. You know he’s got issues.

It wasn’t ‘random’ him mentioning lap dances, it was the drip drip drip of control and abuse.

Get out now before you can’t.

dangerrabbit · 24/03/2018 11:37

I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

I don’t think this is a good man for you or a healthy relationship. You could stay and try and make it better but both parties need to work on it and do you really think he is willing to?

I really think you would be better off ending this relationship and looking for a new healthy relationship with a supportive partner.

LeighaJ · 24/03/2018 11:59

I understand that physical attraction can change if a partner's looks drastically change, But I'll never understand the stupidity behind someone dating a person who they find to be too heavy/skinny/short/tall from the get go and then just making the person feel bad about the way they already were.

It's like the same fuckedupness of dating someone for their potential rather than who they are right now.

He knew what he was getting from the start so why make his problem your problem? I don't think the relationship will last because of him.

NeepNeepNeep · 24/03/2018 12:13

One day when you're old like me, you will look back and see how gorgeous you were. He knows you can do better so is purposefully keeping you down. It's a horrible, deliberate strategy and he did it from the very beginning.

Purplerain101 · 24/03/2018 16:47

I don’t know why he would tell you he paid for lap dances in the past other than to make you feel insecure. He has nothing to gain by telling you if he knows your self esteem isn’t the best.

CatStacks · 24/03/2018 17:03

you are so insecure which I think is to do with your weight and how he treated you. This is a toxic relationship I suspect the issue isn't strip clubs it's how he has made you feel in general

Confusedbeetle · 24/03/2018 17:07

This man has zero respect for you or women

Motoko · 24/03/2018 17:58

He told you about the strip club, despite you asking him not to tell you about his past, precisely because he wants to hurt you.

Why do you want to stay with someone that will do that?

You know, deep inside, that your fear that you'd NEVER find another man who will want you is BOLLOCKS, so don't use that reason to stay with him.

You need to leave him. You are worth having a loving relationship with a man who loves you for who you are, whatever you look like. But you'll never find that relationship while you're with this man, and the longer you stay with him, the more he will hurt you and wear down your self esteem, and make it even harder to leave.

The only talk you need to have with him is to tell him it's finished.