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Original poster

OH went to strip clubs before we met

101 replies

Pissedoff881 · 24/03/2018 08:31

Name changed.
Ok a bit of back story first -
Been with my partner for 2 years (I’m 29 and he’s 33) and we have had a fairly rocky relationship. The first few months involved him being so hot and cold with me all the time and he kept ending the relationship and then begging for me back. It was a total head fuck and I was quite vulnerable then as had just come out of a long term relationship with my ex.
Things started to get a lot better between us and a few months later I asked him why he had behaved like that at the start. He admitted it was partly to do with the fact he thought I was too overweight for him (I was a size 14 then and he knew what I looked like from date 1 so I don’t know why he didn’t just stop things from going any further then if it had been that much of a problem for him).
I felt humiliated and really hurt that he had treated me so badly for a few months because of that reason.
Like a fool though I stayed with him and the next year between us has been a lot better.
Last night he randomly told me that he has paid for private lap dances before in the past a few times (before we ever knew each other).
I feel AWFUL about this. Not only because i just don’t agree with strip clubs full stop for a lot of reasons, but also because I hate the thought that he has paid women he finds sexually appealing to grind naked on him, but treated me so badly because of my body shape.
I’ve lost a bit of weight but my self esteem is at rock bottom and I don’t know how to sort it out.

OP posts:
Lichtie · 24/03/2018 09:21

Sorry pissedoff... I meant you asked about his behaviour at the start of the relationship.
As I said I don't think the strip club thing is a big deal... But I get that some people do.

troodiedoo · 24/03/2018 09:25

It's not supposed to be this hard. He's awful. He's treating you better now because he's planted seeds of insecurity and can watch them grow by fucking your head up.
I would urge you to get rid.

Original poster
Pissedoff881 · 24/03/2018 09:38

@strawberry we don’t have any children. I actually lost a pregnancy last month which won’t be helping matters as I feel like my hormones are all over the place now.
He hasn’t mentioned my weight again outright, but he occasionally still makes a dig here and there. He said something along the lines of “once you’ve lost the weight i’ll take you on a beach holiday abroad”. He said he just meant that I would be feeling confident about being in a bikini again Hmm
And on the very odd occasion that he sees me eating something like sweets/chocolate he’ll make a joke about how I’m meant to be on a diet.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 24/03/2018 09:39

Dump him. He's deliberately making you feel bad about yourself. Someone who loves you will build you up, not tear you down.

kaytee87 · 24/03/2018 09:42

I don't think you'll find any man who has never had a lapdance, I don't think that's a big deal if you weren't together at the time.

Maybe in your circles. It's not the norm amongst my family and friends. It shows what he thinks of women, objects that can be bought for his pleasure.

FlouncyDoves · 24/03/2018 09:43

Yeah. Dump him.

EarlyNinetiesDecor · 24/03/2018 09:43

Oh OP he sounds awful......imagine if you had a daughter and her partner was saying things to her like ‘lose weight and I’ll take you on a beach holiday’, I bet you’d be encouraging her to get out of the relationship. And as for the comments about you eating chocolate or whatever. I assume he’s an example of absolute physical perfection? Hmm

Do yourself a huge favour and get rid Flowers

Original poster
Pissedoff881 · 24/03/2018 09:46

@earlyninties he’s underweight and very skinny with zero muscle. I couldn’t really care less about stuff like that but he’s definitely not perfect himself

OP posts:
DontDrinkDontSmoke · 24/03/2018 09:50

Dump him. Today if you feel up to it. He’s not worthy of you.

Lichtie · 24/03/2018 09:55

Kaytee... Maybe your family and friends just haven't told you. Why would they if that's your attitude

SparklyMagpie · 24/03/2018 09:56

Do not let anyone put you down like that OP

Dump him,you deserve better, you should be with someone who doesn't put you down and loves you for you regardless

strawberry1122 · 24/03/2018 10:00

And most woman have been on a hen weekend and had a stripper. Woman pay to see naked men aswell.

GrandTheftWalrus · 24/03/2018 10:03

I was coming on to say my DP has had one in the past before me and it was no big deal.

However reading your posts he seems to have brought it up just to hurt you.

This man is emotionally abusive. Constantly wearing you down about your weight isn't on.

I was a 14/16 When I met DP I slimmed down to a 10/12 Then I got pregnant so am now back to a 14. He never ever says anything about it. Infact he makes me feel very confident about being naked and he appreciates my body.

That's the way your partner is meant to make you feel. Not the way he is.

AnyFucker · 24/03/2018 10:05

Gosh Lichtie you must be a superior kind of woman that the men in your life are happy tell you about their participation in the sex industry. Every single one of them.

You make it sound like a special kind of attribute all females be all striving for

Purplelife · 24/03/2018 10:05

Well number 1. He is a total sleaze. 2. He is an absolute pig!

If he goes to strip joints, how long is it before he cheats on you with some skinny minnie? He knew you were a size 14 and why should you lose weight for him? Only do it for yourself. Women can be happy, look attractive and feel sexy at other sizes besides size 8 & 10!

Most importantly dump his ass immediately. While you keep him in your life you can’t make way for the love of your life.
After you dump him you need to start loving yourself , make a list of all the great things about yourself and why you are awesome. You need to also raise your standards in the men you pick. Have a think about what you want and don’t want in your next boyfriend. And find your next bf while you are a size 14 as you want a man who loves you no matter what size you are. But get your self worth, self love and standards up first!

PhoebefromFriends · 24/03/2018 10:07

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. No doubt you are feeling emotional but maybe now is the time to review whether you really want a baby with someone so shallow and hateful. Was the baby planned? I would seek out some counselling and focus on improving your self esteem.

Vangoghsear · 24/03/2018 10:08

He obviously objectifies women and is only interested in physical features, not the person. As many others have said this does not bode well for the long term. Dump him.

Original poster
Pissedoff881 · 24/03/2018 10:09

@phoebe thank you, it wasn’t planned and a real shock as we’d been being careful. I do really worry about being pregnant with him and putting on lots of weight during it. I shouldn’t be having to worry about things like that though. I’m going to talk to him tomorrow when I see him and let him know just how much he’s affected my confidence

OP posts:
strawberry1122 · 24/03/2018 10:11

Yeah I don't like the lil causal digs he makes op. You are delicate at the moment. You do sounds unhappy though. It may be the miscarriage. It maybe because you know deep down this is not a man you feel comfortable with.

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 24/03/2018 10:12

my OH had sex with other women in the past, he doesn't do it now though, everyone has a past its how they behave now that matters.

He treats me with love and respect, makes me feel loved and secure regardless of my size, he loves me warts and all, and that is what your partner should make you feel, he doesn't, he makes you feel sad and insecure, he is an arsehole, ditch him and find someone who deserves you because the twat you are with really doesn't

Lichtie · 24/03/2018 10:12

No AnyFucker, I'm just not judgemental,and like some other people don't consider it a big deal.

Just like strawberry also said, I wouldn't judge women that have seen a stripper. Or are they all just perverts who think men can be bought too?

AnyFucker · 24/03/2018 10:13

Why do that ? He doesn't care he has affected your cofidence. That's exactly why he acts like he does.

You seem determined to hang onto this loser. That's your call. But don't expect to ever feel safe in this relationship.

Zebrasinpyjamas · 24/03/2018 10:15

If his past actions and current comments make you feel so bad, how can you ever expect to feel better about yourself until you move on from him?

It's easy for a stranger on the Internet to say you should part ways. But he's always going to put pressure on you about how your body looks. Partners can be supportive if and when someone wants to lose weight but that's not what he's doing here. He's pressurising you and making you feel bad. I don't think his values are likely to change.

Purplelife · 24/03/2018 10:15

DH hasn’t had a lap dance. Infact he went out one night with a bunch of work mates in London. After a meal, they went off to a strip club. They all went including his lift. He didn’t go in. It was midnight and he called me, while lost walking around a part of London he had never been before. A man that respects you that much that he doesn’t think it’s okay to go to a strip joint... now that’s a man proudly boasting of course lol

Teachtolive · 24/03/2018 10:16

What kind of future do you envisage having with him? Would you want this man to be a father to your daughter if you had one? Someone who hangs women's worth on their looks? Someone who uses women for their bodies? He's a manipulative controlling ass. He knew how to hit you with that beach holiday comment. He will erode your self esteem til you see him as your only option. The truth is you'd be far better off alone. Get rid of him and concentrate on making yourself feel good. He's a waste of space.