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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH went to strip clubs before we met

101 replies

Pissedoff881 · 24/03/2018 08:31

Name changed.
Ok a bit of back story first -
Been with my partner for 2 years (I’m 29 and he’s 33) and we have had a fairly rocky relationship. The first few months involved him being so hot and cold with me all the time and he kept ending the relationship and then begging for me back. It was a total head fuck and I was quite vulnerable then as had just come out of a long term relationship with my ex.
Things started to get a lot better between us and a few months later I asked him why he had behaved like that at the start. He admitted it was partly to do with the fact he thought I was too overweight for him (I was a size 14 then and he knew what I looked like from date 1 so I don’t know why he didn’t just stop things from going any further then if it had been that much of a problem for him).
I felt humiliated and really hurt that he had treated me so badly for a few months because of that reason.
Like a fool though I stayed with him and the next year between us has been a lot better.
Last night he randomly told me that he has paid for private lap dances before in the past a few times (before we ever knew each other).
I feel AWFUL about this. Not only because i just don’t agree with strip clubs full stop for a lot of reasons, but also because I hate the thought that he has paid women he finds sexually appealing to grind naked on him, but treated me so badly because of my body shape.
I’ve lost a bit of weight but my self esteem is at rock bottom and I don’t know how to sort it out.

OP posts:

HonkyWonkWoman · 24/03/2018 10:17

Get rid of him! He doesn't love you! He's an idiot!

Original poster

Pissedoff881 · 24/03/2018 10:18

I know deep down I shouldn’t be with him. If I saw this post on here i’d Be telling her to leave immediately. It’s just so much harder when your the one going through it though. I feel like he’s destroyed my confidence and I’m clinging onto him now because I feel like i’d Never meet anyone else. Ugh this is horrible!

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 24/03/2018 10:19

Do you honestly think he'll care about your confidence if you bring it up? He's not given a shit so far has he?

I don't think you want to walk away, So I'll probably check out of this thread.

I wouldn't ever be able to trust him and will never feel confident or safe an stable in a 'relationship'like this

MissPiggysKarateChop · 24/03/2018 10:19

I'm not an LTB type of person normally; relationships are nuanced and individual (of course barring any form of abuse then I'll happily say LTB). His behaviour was relatively early in the relationship - how does he treat you now?

The strip club was before your time but do you think he would do it while you are with him ... perhaps when he feels you aren't looking quite right again?

The fact he made you feel bad about who you are and dicked you about suggests to me that he doesn't respect you and in fact has no qualms about hurting you. How do you feel about that, you know more about your relationship, does this sound uncomfortably true to you? If so, I think you deserve to be happier than this and I would be questioning how good the relationship is for you. If you are low in self esteem I'd hazard a guess this relationship won't be good for you, you deserve more. Only you can make the decision though.

Lichtie · 24/03/2018 10:20

Purplelife... She wasn't with him at the time it was before the relationship

SparklyMagpie · 24/03/2018 10:20

For me, I'd be taking that risk and would still leave, not having my confidence ripped to shreds by this prick would be better than staying in it

strawberry1122 · 24/03/2018 10:22

You can and will meet someone else but you've got to be sure this is shat you want. Just remember you are delicate at the moment and you may not be thinking clearly but if these are long term doubts about the relationship then I think you already know the answer in your heart.

FissionChips · 24/03/2018 10:22

By staying with this arsehole of a human being you are closing the door on the possibility of meeting a lovely, kind man who loves you for you.

Hypermice · 24/03/2018 10:22

He sounds absolutely grim. Get rid before you have kids and he’s in your life forever.

There are literally billions of men on the planet. There’s no need to settle for a shit one.

Lichtie · 24/03/2018 10:27

You said the first few months were like this, and then he has been loving affectionate and never mentions your weight since then and he apologised for the way he was when you first started dating.... Surely if you were going to dump him it would have been after the first months, not after 18 months when hes not acted this way?
Are you sure it's his issue and not yours?

mzcracker · 24/03/2018 10:27

All the hot and cold stuff early on and telling you that your weight was the issue was him testing you to see how much of his shit you're willing to put up with.
The randomly telling you about the women he pays to dance for him naked is another test.
Get rid.

MsVestibule · 24/03/2018 10:27

I’m going to talk to him tomorrow when I see him and let him know just how much he’s affected my confidence

OP, he doesn't care. He's either making these 'casual' comments because he's extremely careless with your feelings, or, more likely, to keep you in your place, i.e. insecure, so you're unlikely to leave him.

PLEASE leave him. This is not a LTR going through a blip - it's been bad from the very beginning. It's highly unlikely to improve.

BTW, have you posted about this before, minus the strip club 'revelation'? The 'very skinny man putting down a not skinny woman' scenario sounds familiar.

FindoGask · 24/03/2018 10:28

Even before I got to the bit about the lap dances I could see he was a clear and obvious bellend. Get rid!

Purplelife · 24/03/2018 10:29

Thanks, Lichtie, I read it too fast. Regardless of the strip clubs, she needs to dump the pig!

FindoGask · 24/03/2018 10:31

Just read the later post about the beach holiday after you've lost weight... surely OP you can see that this complete oaf is no good for you. And I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage too.

BennyTheBall · 24/03/2018 10:34

Why set your standards so low? He sounds like a sleaze and he objectifies women.

Surely it would be better to be alone than to be with someone like him.

runningdoll · 24/03/2018 10:35

It wasn’t planned and a real shock as we’d been being careful. are you sure that he was being careful? You have more to lose than he does...

Blaablaablaa · 24/03/2018 10:36

The strip club thing isn't your issue here. It was before he met you. My DH did things before we met that would be acceptable now (married with kids and in his 40's) but I'm not going to judge him for what he did when he was young, free and single.

What is an issue is the way he treats you. My ex DH had an issue with my weight and would constantly comment on what I was eating. You're young and I know when you love someone it's hard to imagine leaving but you need to know realtionships shouldn't be like this. You can be so much happier with someone who loves you for you and what you could be.

LookyLooky · 24/03/2018 10:36

I think you should leave him. He doesn’t sound like he is a nice person at all. You are only two years into the relationship and you are still young. You should leave while you have the chance. What happens if you accidentally got pregnant again and had a successful pregnancy. You will end up tied to this man forever. Also, do you really think he sounds like the type of man who would be a good father? It’s one thing to chose to live in an unsatisfactory relationship but it’s another to potentially chose someone like him as a father.

I get that you probably aren’t thinking about kids just now but if not where do you see this relationship going?

Despite how it seems on Mumsnet there are lots of kind nice men about, don’t let yourself settle for one that you know isn’t decent.

I think he sounds like a nasty shit personally, I’d be devastated if one of my daughters ended up with someone like him.

Lichtie · 24/03/2018 10:36

Findo.. We don't know the context though. OP mentioned being on a diet and one comment he has made... Which contradicted her earlier comment that he never mentions her weight. She clearly has body issues and we don't know what she has said to him about holidays, diets, bikinis etc.
When I'm on a diet I'm a nightmare banging on about it and tell people to stop me when they see me breaking it.

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar · 24/03/2018 10:38

Bin.
You're surely not that desperate for a man.
Are you?

nocampinghere · 24/03/2018 10:38

Good God woman, get rid of this dead weight. You are worth SO much more. It shouldn't be this hard. A relationship should make you feel great about yourself, not like this.

YoucancallmeVal · 24/03/2018 10:41

The lap dancing club was pre you so is irrelevant. He is , however, a twat. I'd be spending your energy getting pissed off with how he treats you.

PickAChew · 24/03/2018 10:43

Get rid, ffs. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who makes you feel like shit?

Sunflowersforever · 24/03/2018 10:45

IMO, he is deliberately controlling you with his behaviour to make you weak and dependent. Get out while you still have the strength. Imagine him as the father of your children? Really?

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