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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how I make friends and build a social life?

18 replies

AshiBarai · 24/03/2018 07:45

So I posted last night (after a few glasses of wine) that I wanted to leave DH as he was boring. A few people pointed out to me that I am also boring and rely on him for my entertainment. That is absolutely spot on and this morning, I realise that.

The problem is I have no friends. I am a loner, always have been so I don't know how to make friends.

Take today for instance, I can go and spend a couple of hours at the gym and then what?

My hobbies are martial arts but that's one evening a week and not on a weekend. How can I spice my weekend up?!

Basically I want to build up a life without DH without actually leaving him.

OP posts:
Caulk · 24/03/2018 07:49

It takes time to build friends.

You could: invite people from work for dinner, coffee, cinema, visit somewhere
Do something social: singing, running club, painting, class at a local college
Reconnect with people you haven’t seen for a while, invite them to bring friends.

It’s often a mindset change though about how you feel about yourself

redexpat · 24/03/2018 07:52

Mn local
Meetup.com
I found being politically active helped a lot.
As did being a guide leader.

Wheresmyfuckingcupcake · 24/03/2018 07:53

I am sure you are not boring so please ignore the unkind people who said you were!
When I feel stuck in a rut I find doing something completely different from the norm is good. If you like sport visit an art gallery. If normally you read, try sport. You may or may not like it and you may or may not make friends but it will jolt you out of routine and let a bit of air in.

Hassled · 24/03/2018 07:53

Do you have school aged DCs? I know the PTA is widely disliked on MN but the reality is that they are usually just nice people who want to meet other nice people, and who at least have the interests of the school in common - I made some very good friends that way.

What else interests you? Would something like a Book Club appeal? Your library will know which ones are local to you. Are you political? Joining your local party is a great way to meet like-minded people and there are always lots of events.

Juells · 24/03/2018 07:54

Join a club of some kind. If you're into martial arts you must be pretty fit, so lots of choices - sailing, dancing, horse-riding, biking...? What do fit people do, where do they gather, I've no idea. Grin

TalkFastThinkSlow · 24/03/2018 07:55

Do you work? I always tend to make friends through work. I met my closest friend through work 16 years ago!

MereDintofPandiculation · 24/03/2018 07:57

Find more things that you enjoy (by trying out lots of different things) - you've a better chance of finding friends amongst those who enjot the same things as you.

Make yourself useful, which means people have to interact with you. So once you've found something you enjoy, volunteer for all the jobs that need doing to support that activity.

You could try by starting another martial arts style. And surely most competitions are at the weekend? Even if you don't want to compete, you can support your club.

Original poster
AshiBarai · 24/03/2018 07:58

I'm a community nurse so spend a lot of time in my car on my own. I love it, but it's not great for making friends 😁

I'd like to start writing but I don't know how you go about joining a club or even how to find them.

I like horse riding but can't justify the £30 for 3/4 hour to ride around a school in circles. If it was outdoor hacking I'd do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AshiBarai · 24/03/2018 08:00

There is a karate competition coming up in July actually that I've been invited to. Not to participate obviously (bit old for that!!) but to help out. I probably should commit to that, it would keep me busy for a full Saturday.

OP posts:
mixture · 24/03/2018 08:00

Here is a really good article/blog_post about it.

mixture · 24/03/2018 08:01

As for your post, I think the horse riding is your best shot, actually, if you can find a way to justify it ....

redexpat · 24/03/2018 08:03

I just read your other thread so now I would like to recommend a book: how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It is very good at making you consider what you want your life to look like and how to get it there with a bit of planning. Changed my life.

Juells · 24/03/2018 08:10

Re writing, there are always writing courses available. The expensive ones, unfortunately, are the best Sad My experience with free groups has been that they don't help one improve, as everyone has to chorus that everything is wonderful, even if you know in your heart that it's shite.

The world is your oyster. Painting or cooking in Tuscany. Walking in Bavaria.

If you have a house that's worth a lot, would you consider down-sizing to free up some money to buy a wreck somewhere else, to work on with your husband? Wasn't that one of the things you were interested in doing?

halesie · 24/03/2018 08:21

OP do you have any local charities related to your interests that you could volunteer with? E.g. riding for the disabled? Sports club for children living in poverty? A friend of mine set up a charity which now has tens of volunteers - they've made a bunch of new friends all doing something they enjoy for a great cause.

Peanutbuttercheese · 24/03/2018 08:24

I met a friend like this, we chatted a few times over a couple of years in local shops. We joked how we have no idea how we know each other really but are sure somewhere along the line we must have been in the same setting. It took us a while to figure it out but we had been at the same food bank meeting a few years ago.

Why not try voluntary work, it cost nothing and if you volunteer for something you feel passionate about it's an immediate connection with other like minded people.

Is there no one at your karate class tha your friendly with ?

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 24/03/2018 08:44

Well you do martial arts, which must mean you're fit and active. This is a great start!!!
I don't do running personally but I know a lot of people who meet through running clubs / park run. There's outdoor fitness classes that seem to put an emphasis on social meet ups too.
What about racquet sports (people love to have a tennis partner)
Isn't there a website called meet up which helps to get people together non romantically?
The thing I've found with making friends / building a social life, and this is coming from someone who moved into a new town where I knew no one, is that I have to make an effort and not expect things to just happen for me.

ListeningtoBowie · 24/03/2018 08:57

Yes to the karate competition!

IndieRar · 24/03/2018 09:19

When I moved to a new town I started a WI. Made lots of local friends that way.

If you're rural then they're likely to be quite traditional but if you're near a big town or city then there are really active ones with lots of different clubs and women your age.

It's only a couple of hours for the meeting once a month and you can try it out before becoming a member. Not a big commitment.

Our group has a book club, outdoor pursuits club (tries lots of things), dinner club, theatre, beer appreciation, craft club, aromatherapy club. They're a great chance to get to know people better doing a shared activity.

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