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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make a complaint

92 replies

CollyWombles · 23/03/2018 19:32

To the school about my DD football coach.

My dd has been away for five days on a very full on adventure trip with her school. She got back at 3pm tonight. An hour later her friend came over clutching a note about a football tournament happening tomorrow.

My dd is exhausted and doesn't want to attend. Her friend was pressuring her but I stepped and said no, it wouldn't be happening.

My dd messaged her coach to say sorry, she would not be attending. Her coach replied with 'please DD, we need you, I will give you a lift'

After the pressure from her friend and now her coach, my dd ended up in tears. She is knackered, I asked how she was in touch with the coach, turns out it's via snap chat. I replied to the coach, stating dd would not be attending and was in tears due to pressure to attend, that I would be contacting the school. I also stated I found it unprofessional that snap chat was involved and any further contact was to be with myself.

My dd is head girl and is under a lot of pressure as it is. I think that to expect her to attend a tournament all day tomorrow is frankly ridiculous and I'm upset that my daughters return home has been stressful for her.

The coach responded saying dd had asked for her snap chat, dd maintains the coach asked for hers. Coach is making a counter complaint apparently!

AIBU to report her to the school for pressuring my dd to attend?

OP posts:

Original poster

CollyWombles · 23/03/2018 20:59

@MadMags pretty sure the coach is aware my dd isn't attending tomorrow. Longest notice I could give based on the beyond a joke notice they gave. Wouldn't you say? Or do you make a habit of sending notes the day before a tournament too?

OP posts:

MadMags · 23/03/2018 21:03

No, I don’t but I’m just trying to give you a possible perspective on the “pressure”.

Either way, I don’t think it needed to become what it did but as I said, contacting her on SC is insane and even if your dd has asked for her SC, she should know better than to give it!

PennyDreadfull · 26/03/2018 22:05

How did the weekend go OP?

PriaMaicel · 26/03/2018 22:15

Get your Daughter off snapchat, it is against the terms of service for under 13's to be using it. They have an app called Snapkids for under 13's that allow pictures & drawing but not messaging. If you're child is adding inappropriate adults to her Snapchat without your knowledge then she should not be using Snapchat full stop. There are good reasons why under 13's are restricted from using most social media sites.

Avasarala · 26/03/2018 22:23

She obviously isnt mature enough to have snapchat if she agreed to add her coach (doesn't matter who asked first,she either offered or said yes).

If she's using social media, she should be completely aware that she is not to add teachers etc as all those communications need to be official,and visible to you. She is too young to arrange things herself with teachers and coaches so shouldn't be having them on snapchat.

She's not old enough to use it responsibly.

BollySBK · 26/03/2018 22:34

The coach, whoever they are, is in a position of trust. If they are employed by (or are a volunteer associated with) the school then the school needs to know about this completely inappropriate method of contact with minors. All volunteers should be safeguarding aware. Equally, if they are affiliated with the FA or another body like that then they need to know. I am involved in safeguarding both for the day job and at my DS's football club and this is clearly spelled out to all coaches.

Glumglowworm · 26/03/2018 22:55

Totally inappropriate for the coach to friend her on snapchat or whatever. ESPECIALLY snapchat as the nature of things disappearing makes it prime for abuse. I’m not saying there is any abuse going on, it’s the potential for it though. And id expect anyone working or volunteering with children to have had basic safeguarding training and enough common sense to realise that!

She’s 11! All contact should be through you as the parent. I’m a Guide leader and we can contact girls age 14+ directly only if we have their parents permission to do so. It should always be something traceable like text or email and another leader should be copied in.

It’s unfair and inappropriate to pressure your DD.

holasoydora · 26/03/2018 23:25

This may have been said already but you need to tell the school that the coach is contacting your daughter via snapchat as this is not appropriate. It should be reported to a LADO by the school. And/or make a complaint to Ofsted stating this.

Original poster

CollyWombles · 26/03/2018 23:29

I think some of you have got the wrong thread, this one is called "to make a complaint" not "to allow my 11yo daughter to use snap chat". Maybe use the search function.

I spoke with the head teacher this morning, turns out the the school doesn't take anything to do with the coaches of Afterschool clubs, but she is going to set guidelines going forward and will be speaking with the coach.

Dd and I both became horribly sick on Saturday, neither of us feel right today still. I got a hell of a fright and it's gone and triggered anxiety which I'm on meds for. Probably explains why dd was exhausted and tearful and why I was ready to commit murder. So turns out I was completely correct to believe and trust my dd that she genuinely was not okay to attend football.

She is very low at the moment but this bug seems to have that as an after effect, so I'm hoping it will pass soon for her. She had a good day at school and some friends came to ask her out to play tonight.

OP posts:

obligations · 26/03/2018 23:43

'why I was ready to commit murder' - calm down OP. And also, what does being head girl have to do with anything?

I think it is very OTT to try to make a complaint to the school, just call the coach and have a quick chat, and let her know that you'd like her to go through you and your dd will defriend her from snapchat. Talk about a mountain out of a molehill.

And the comment 'I think some of you have got the wrong thread, this one is called "to make a complaint" not "to allow my 11yo daughter to use snap chat" is really silly - if you're that protective over your daughter then why are you letting her use an app that she is too young for?

MadMags · 26/03/2018 23:47

You sound weirdly defensive in general so hopefully they’re used to you by now.

Original poster

CollyWombles · 27/03/2018 00:02

@obligations why are you telling me to calm down, this happened three nights ago, hence the use of the words 'was ready' not 'am ready'.

@MadMags as said earlier in the thread, I have not made a complaint to the school before so how would they be 'used to me?' exactly?

Just to be clear, this thread was about 'making a complaint' not my daughter using snapchat, if I wanted to listen to or discuss opinions regarding that, then I would have started a thread for that reason.

Complaint has been made, mountain out of a mole hill has been made, coach is being spoken to with regard to social media. I'm happy with the outcome.

OP posts:

HuskyMcClusky · 27/03/2018 00:15

Yes, well, it’s a discussion board with other people on it. That’s kind of how it goes. You don’t get to police your thread’s direction to that extent.

Original poster

CollyWombles · 27/03/2018 00:25

Agreed @HuskyMcClusky and whilst people are more than welcome to share their unwanted opinions on wether my child should use snap chat or not, I'm also entitled to not enter discussion with said people and ignore their questions such as 'why do you let your dd use snap chat' when I have already replied earlier in the thread.

As said earlier in the thread, im a long term member and I know exactly how AIBU goes so I will be leaving this thread now, my actual question has been answered and the situation is dealt with.

OP posts:

Custardo · 27/03/2018 00:35

who 'owns' the after shool clubs then if they are not ran by the school - are they a seperate organisation? are they commissioned by the school?

no staff member in these circs should haved direct contact with a child.

the other issues people are raising are derailing the advice that was asked for, i think the op is entitles to point that out in no uncertain terms and i think is admirable for doing so considering she has stated her daughter is fragile due to other stuff and the op herelf suffers from anxiety - to deliberatley goad and de-rail is a shitty thing to do.

sometimes it is fun to derail and goad - i understand that - but on this threat it's not necessary and completely shitty.

anyway op - you have handled he thread and your dds problem admirably

Orchidflower1 · 27/03/2018 10:12

Op hope you’re all feeling better. I’ve followed your thread from the beginning so hope things are sorted re the coach.

Blobby10 · 27/03/2018 10:38

Surely there is a safeguarding issue if the coach is messaging your daughter on snapchat? I thought all communications with under 18s had to be through their parents or, if you contact child directly, then parent has to be copied in too!

FWIW I hate coaches who put that amount of pressure on their team

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