To make a complaint

[CollyWombles]

To the school about my DD football coach.

My dd has been away for five days on a very full on adventure trip with her school. She got back at 3pm tonight. An hour later her friend came over clutching a note about a football tournament happening tomorrow.

My dd is exhausted and doesn't want to attend. Her friend was pressuring her but I stepped and said no, it wouldn't be happening.

My dd messaged her coach to say sorry, she would not be attending. Her coach replied with 'please DD, we need you, I will give you a lift'

After the pressure from her friend and now her coach, my dd ended up in tears. She is knackered, I asked how she was in touch with the coach, turns out it's via snap chat. I replied to the coach, stating dd would not be attending and was in tears due to pressure to attend, that I would be contacting the school. I also stated I found it unprofessional that snap chat was involved and any further contact was to be with myself.

My dd is head girl and is under a lot of pressure as it is. I think that to expect her to attend a tournament all day tomorrow is frankly ridiculous and I'm upset that my daughters return home has been stressful for her.

The coach responded saying dd had asked for her snap chat, dd maintains the coach asked for hers. Coach is making a counter complaint apparently!

AIBU to report her to the school for pressuring my dd to attend?

Thank you @Orchidflower1 she is currently having a soak in the bath 😊

Sorry, I have not read the whole thing but I’m a swimming coach and given children a lift is a strict NO. Under child protection rules we are also not allowed to communicate with children via social media. If a swimmer emails me I have to copy in the parents. These rules are not unique to our club, Clubs have safeguarding rules to adhere to.

Things that aren't relevant here

-coach is nice
-coach is young
-coach is female
-coach is inexperienced

Things which are
-coach is in inappropritconract with your daughter

REPORT IT. If not because of concern for ddd do it for the coach. She's exposing herself to allegation and risk and if it is naivety she may need training.

Sorry for typo
Inappropriate contact

@Notwhatthedogsaid I'm sure if all parents did not allow their children social media there wouldn't be a need for any policies regarding people in positions of authority contacting children via social media in the first place, but they do and there are, because parents are actually allowed to base what's acceptable for their child, on actually knowing their child and not generalising children as one entity.

@CollyWombles please ignore the poster who is deliberately trying to rile you, don't feed the troll

I'm not concerned about the "pressuring" from friend or coach. I'm concerned about the fact the coach is contacting her via snap chat.

His "she asked me" isn't going to stand anywhere.

She's 11! He should have said no.

@Claredemoon now where would be the fun in that?

Anyways, I'm glad to know that the general opinion is that I may be overreacting to the pressure from coach but not overreacting about the social media contact. I will be going ahead with a complaint on Monday. I actually have a very good relationship with the headteacher and she knows I am not one to complain. In fact I never have as generally the school is terrific and has done wonders for my children.

@CollyWombles ha ha! Well if you are enjoying it then fair enough!

On a serious note, I hope you and your daughter have a restful weekend!

I don't think you are overreacting at all...report report report...coach is wayyyy out of line..

I don’t think the coach did anything wrong sending the message that she sent. How was she to know your daughter would feel stressed by it. I’m not sure if the Snapchat thing is a problem either. If you let your daughter have Snapchat then it’s not unreasonable for the coach to send her a Snapchat. It’s a pretty normal way of communicating. You say your daughter is mature enough to use it but presumably she is using it in a way you don’t like. I think it’s normal at that age not to allow anyone other than named friends to use it.

I understand why your daughter wouldn’t want to play though.

Under no circumstances should the coach have contact with your dd on Snapchat regardless of who asked who. It is very normal for kids to ask teachers/tas/coaches; the correct response from the adult is 'no'. The only acceptable contact is via school email which is usually monitored.

@Claredemoon I have been on mumsnet for around 10 years now, I'm used to AIBU and the way threads usually go, so once this one details into discussion on anything unrelated to my actual question (pretty sure I didn't ask AIBU to allow my daughter to have snap chat as a) I wouldn't be that dumb and b) I don't need validation on that decision) I will be off!

Thank you, think it won't be long till she is off to bed, she gets quite tearful anyways when she is very tired so that wouldn't have helped matters.

*derails

And with regards to this query the contact about an out of school arrangement should be with the parent/carer. School email adult-pupil should be used for 'please don't forget to bring your art book tomorrow' or for the pupil to ask a question about the work.

I don't think an adult coach should be texting children, i also don't think children should have snapchat/internet phones but appreciate i'm probably massively out of the loop on what is the norm for 11 year old kids.

And yes I do think it's a cheek of the coach not accepting the 'no, I can't sorry' - fixtures are usually published long in advance and the commitment made at the beginning, not the day before.
Good luck 🍀

LookyLooky are you serious? An adult in a position of trust should not be snap chatting an 11 year old especially without parents knowledge.

As the whole team were away at camp, it should have been discussed and decided before they went if they were entering the tournament or not. Are you sure she didn’t know she was meant to be there? The fewer girls that go, the harder it’s going to be on those that do go. Do you think it’s fair to let her choose if she goes or not when she’s part of the team? The poor coach is now stuck trying to scratch together a team.

Unless her ‘difficult time’ is illness related, I don’t think it’s fair to let her choose not to go.

Irrespective of how the Coach contacted DD, at 11, I think weekend commitments should go through a parent, they’re the ones who have to juggle everything.

It’s a shame things are as they are with SM, but the Coach shouldn’t be putting herself in that position. I’m sure she’s about to have that made abundantly clear to her. She’s possibly still at school/university herself and doesn’t realise this is a big no no these days.

As for the lift, she might have the school mini bus & another adult with her. It’s not uncommon for our school at all, though we do usually drop at school, but that’s only really because we are spread out too far.

I do think your reaction was OTT.

Coach wasn’t to know that your dd was feeling extra pressure from her friend and even at that, whilst I wouldn’t be thrilled about how she worded her plea, I’m not sure it warranted your reaction, IYSWIM.

You contacting her saying no is fine. You not wanting her contacting your child is 100% right and I can’t believe she thought that was acceptable.

But the immediate jump to lodging complaints etc was probably a bit much!

Certain, considering the coach said she should have had a letter but "must not of" in her words.

The date on the note was the 21st of March. Dd has been away since the 19th.

Is it fair to force a child to play after five days away on ridiculously short notice? Is it fair to force my usually highly active sporty child to play when she is telling me she is exhausted. Yes I'm sad her team may need her but my priority is my child, not her team. Shoot me.

Oh, and as someone who teaches children in a hobby, it is frustrating when kids just don’t turn up and I don’t think parents ever think of the knock on effect it has on every other child who does turn up.

@MadMags yes probably was an overreaction now I am calmer, but only because I should know better than that. Her wording was manipulative and there was no concern for why my dd that usually attends everything, said no. In that coach didn't even ask for one.

I don't care if the coach is the female version of Desmond Tutu - it is COMPLETELY inappropriate for a coach to be on SnapChat with minors. Completely. In fact SnapChat is probably the worst one - you can't trace history on SnapChat in the same way you can other sm channels (I think, anyway, I'm way too old for it so not very familiar).

The pressuring isn't great either, but the methods of contact are the real problem here. I would also not be happy about her refusing to accept your daughter's clear no, and well done for helping her to protect her boundaries.

I don't think this is smothering for a child of 11, either. She stood up for herself and her feelings and said no, and when she got pressure from an adult in a position of authority she was upset and you took over. As she gets older you can help her say no herself, but as a presumably youngish 11 at primary school I think you've been appropriate here.

I vote complain.