To dread sleep training. PLEASE HELP!

[Babymoosmum]

My son is coming up to six months and is in really bad sleep habits (my own fault I know) he sleeps with me through the night and will only nap if he's being held or bounced in his chair. We have bought a cot and want to sleep train him in April. He still wakes up about twice in the night for a bottle but it's definitely more for comfort than hunger. I'm a first time mum and only 19 so I have no idea where to even begin. I hate the thought of leaving him to cry as he's a calm baby so I'm not used to it at all. I also don't want him to be in bad habits forever and having him cosleep just isn't going to work forever. Where do I begin? Please help xxx

There are plenty of no cry sleep training methods. We never used cry it out. But it is handy to be able to put her down for all sleeps in her cot. If you're happy with what you're doing then stick with it. If you'd like her to sleep by herself during the day or at night or both then read up on no cry sleep solutions.

My 2 woke regulally in the night for 18 months (much more than twice a night) and would only nap in my arms or a moving pram during the day. I had them in my bed or i would literrally have had no sleep at all. They're now 3 and 5 and sleep fine in their own beds. I occasionally had people give me advice/criticism about how i dealt with their sleep but fuck em - what we did worked for us. If you actually want to sleep train then do some reading and come up with a plan that you think will work for you and your baby but don't do it becasue other people think you should. And don't set an arbitrary date, pick a time when you are comfortable with and your baby isn't unsettled anyway.
The one thing i did and I'm glad about (it was accidental tbh but it was still a happy accident!) is i started at around 6-9 months putting them to sleep in their own bed at least for the first couple of hours, this meant when they did start sleeping through they were sleeping through in their own bed. No crying to get them in tho, i nursed them to sleep and put them in their cot asleep, so even that wasn't every night and dictated by them!

Don’t doubt your natural instincts as a mother. 6 months is still so young and nothing you or your baby is doing is wrong or abnormal.

I have a 7 month old who I co-sleep with and have done for about 5+ months and he’s also still up 2-3 times a night.

Carry on giving him his cuddles and his milk and just go with the flow. Don’t change what feels right for you on the basis of what a HV has said.

In my experience 2 babies later, health visitors talk a load of shite. Please enjoy your baby, trust your instincts and don't do anything you're uncomfortable with. It's entirely optional to go to the HV, just disengage with them.

Incidentally I just knew when it was the right time for her to be in her own room - totally agree trust your instincts!!

I had my first at 20 and was 'forced' to let him cry it out at 8 months old. We both sobbed for weeks at sleep times. He's 23 now and still doesnt sleep more than 5-6hrs at a time. To this day, I regret not following my instincts. I co-slept with the next three and they all made thier own way to thier own beds when they were ready. I had my own bed back by the time my youngest was five and everyone was much more relaxed about sleeping and as a consequence, got a lot more of it!

Do what feels right to you and take the Health Visitors advice as exactly that... advice. You dont HAVE to follow it.

As PP said - sleep training doesn’t have to mean cry it out. I didn’t with either of mine, but I did teach them to put themselves to sleep.
I can definitely recommend this book: www.amazon.co.uk/Baby-Sleeping-Trust-Techniques-Alternatives-ebook/dp/B00BM62IHE?tag=mumsnetforum-21
I used it with mine at about 6 or 7 months and he’s been a great sleep since (11 months now and sleeps at least 12 hours at night). It made such a difference to my life just being able to put him down in his cot and walk out.

You sound like you’re only doing sleepmtraining because everyone else wants you to. Don’t do it if you don’t want to.

I’ve four children. All have been total cost refusers. All have coslept with me. It’s been great. It’s gone in a flash and now I just have the littlest in with me. I stopped fighting it after number one.

Please have a read of Sarah Ockwell-Smith's website/books.
There is absolutely no need to sleep train/CIO. If your baby is upset, they need something even if that is just the comfort of knowing their mummy is there for them.
Only 2 wake ups sounds like you are lucky! And totally enjoy the cuddles whilst it lasts. DD is 7 months now and is starting to fight the cuddles!

I would read the No Cry Sleep solution instead. It has a gentler but more prolonged way of reducing arm sleeping and creating good habits.
My first born co slept with me for a year. Then went into his cot. And then slept in our room till he was 2.5 and went seamlessly into his own room. Absolutely zero tears involved. 2 feeds a night till 10 months then 1 feed and dropped that feed at 14 months.
Second DC very similar trajectory. He is 14 months. In our room. In a cot. Wakes once or twice. Sometimes he self settles. Sometimes needs me to say ‘shhh’ from my bed or give him a pat.
All achieved without leaving anyone to cry for any prolonged period of time. Or walking out of a room leaving a hysterical baby behind. (I should confess that my second was in hospital for 7 weeks after birth because he was so v v premature and I had to leave him at night and come back to the other one and I wasn’t going to leave him to cry). Also for the record I am not a hippy mum, I am quite strict and stern and insist on manners and I am not attachment parent-y at all. And yet it has been possible to gently ‘sleep train’ two kids without causing trauma.

Our dd is 11 months, sleeps in her cot next to our bed and still breastfeeds to sleep. She wakes up 2 or 3 times a night and i feed her back to sleep. She also naps on me for most of her naps.
It works for us.
As a pp said, listen to yourself. Babies are all different and there's no rule book, just a lot of ill informed people who like to spout outdated advice.

If it works for you and isn't harming him, keep doing it for as long as that remains the case.

PS That thing I just said also applies to everything you do till he's grown.

FFS - when are people going to stop doing this?

OP - you sound like you’re doing great. You do not need to sleep train your child, you need to be responsive to their needs and give them lots of love and affection just like you are.

I have never received any decent advice from a Health Visitor.

Just carry on as you are - you’re doing great.

Incidentally it’s entirely possible your child still needs the nighttime feed - many do well into their second year.

If you don’t want to then dont. My 2 year old still needs me next to him to get to sleep and will wake up without fail at least once every night and can take up to half an hour to settle. But he’s a sensitive little fella and needs my reassurance to get to sleep so I’ll give it until he’s ready.

I spent so many weeks getting stressed about his sleep when he was little and trying to ‘train’ him and then thought blocks to it, it’s making us both unhappy and carried on as before.

6 months is so young still. Honrstly do not bother and do not wordy. Xx

Op I felt that pressure from hv's etc to sleep train my first. I didn't want to do it but I really felt that if I didn't do it I would be actually doing something wrong and bad, it was so confusing! In the end I didn't do it and have no regrets although it did cost me sleep for a while as he woke up a lot for feeds, as pps have said it's temporary.. whether you sleep train in the end or not, do what you feel you want to do, not what others are pressuring you into.

Worry!

Your health visitor is talking out out of her arse. I coslept for a year both times. Cuddled to sleep till 18 months. Then they just went down with a story. When they are ready to sleep, they will. Twice nightly wakings is fine at 6 months, good in fact!

I did do controlled crying with mine: my first didn't sleep well and as I was going back to work I felt that all of us being exhausted would not be good. It truthfully took one night, he cried for about 5 minutes and was out for the rest of the night. After that he slept really well. My second always slept well, slept though when only about 4 months old, bit of a blip when I went back to work again but again after 1 night of controlled crying he was back to sleeping through. I think you need to do what is right for you, if you are knackered then you might feel it's the way forward, if not then leave it a bit longer. Now the problem is getting them out of bed in the morning!

Health Visitor is talking rubbish.

It is a very modern idea that babies should sleep away from us. In evolutionary terms it was/is a protective factor for babies to sleep close next to their carers.

If you are sleeping and baby is sleeping why change anything?

You've got a lot of teething and normal illnesses to get through in next 18months. Co-sleeping is great to cope with these. Many people who sleep train have to do it more than once because of interruptions caused by teething/illness.

If your gut instinct is telling you leaving your baby to cry is wrong then listen to it!

They are your baby and you know them best.

Do what you want to do. If you want to start phasing sleeping on his own you absolutely don't have to click a switch one day and do it all in one go! Although that method might work well for some babies (I realised after moving dd that her being in with me was actually causing her to be more disturbed at night!) it certainly will cause chaos for others. Perhaps start by offering water overnight but nothing else if you're quite sure he's comfort feeding. Or put him in a cot by the bed and feed him but put him back in after. If you're happy with the current arrangements keep them until you aren't. You will never need to try sleep training if you don't want to, especially the cry it out method you seem to be referring to! It doesn't matter if you're 19 or 49, everyone is muddling along and doing their best with their first baby. As long as you feel you're doing what's best/ coping ignore anyone patronising you.

'but with my two, using the CIO method has resulted in far far less crying overall than parents who jump at the slightest whimper'.

I'm assuming this statement relates to parents you know.

Your baby is calm because he feels happy and secure. You really don't need to sleep train or do any of those 'methods' if you don't want to.
Why don't you try having the cot next to your bed, in your room, put him down to sleep in it, but when he wakes, bring him in with you? It's a gentler way of getting your baby more used to sleeping independently. But really, trust your instincts, you seem to be doing just fine.