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AIBU?

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Original poster

Leaving note for grandparent

79 replies

Elektro · 22/03/2018 19:04

MIL will be looking after my LO twice a week now I'm back at work following maternity leave. Today was the first day.

Unfortunately she failed to put the LO down for a nap at the usual time (which she is aware of). In addition, she has told us what she gave for lunch etc and it's not substantial enough to fill LO. We provide the food but she only prepared half.

AIBU to put a note in with his things tomorrow just to reiterate what we have already discussed so she's aware? I don't want to seem cheeky as I'm extremely grateful of her favour. I don't want to seem like I'm telling her off!

Please don't turn this into a "pay for childcare, don't use grandparents argument". This is just re leaving her a note.

Thank you

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 22/03/2018 19:06

Don't leave a note you need to speak to her. If it's important it's important enough to speak about.

Thistlebelle · 22/03/2018 19:06

Why on earth would you leave her a note? That would be incredibly rude.

Just speak to her.

Gatehouse77 · 22/03/2018 19:07

I'd be more inclined to start with a conversation and offer her crib sheet to refer to if she would find that helpful...

Original poster
Elektro · 22/03/2018 19:08

Because I've already spoken to her before leaving him, before agreeing she takes him etc. Note is surely just a reminder?

OP posts:
Dljlr · 22/03/2018 19:09

Why is leaving a note rude Confused

You might find you have to suck it up as a price to pay for using family rather than a professional service like a nursery. My dad helped me out massively when DS was tiny and I had to go to work, and still does a couple of pick ups for me a week from school, and he's always done things his way rather than mine. I know that that can have frustrating knock-on effects when they're small, like, for example, they miss naps and are grouchy when you get home, but that sort of stage doesn't last too long. Plus, if you trust your MIL to look after your child you sort of have to accept that she'll parent her way to an extent rather than yours.

15star · 22/03/2018 19:09

Just be really careful about pissing her off, dont put a note in and speak to her if you must. To be honest children act differently with different people. Baby might not of wanted nap or been hungry today, they might of been unsettled. Also in the grand scheme does it really matter if they miss a nap or eat less twice a week?

stateschool · 22/03/2018 19:10

Talk to her, she’s not your staff, she’s family. And when she’s in charge it’ll be things done her way to a degree so you need to take that into account. Pick your battles. I’d be firm on the nap less so on the food but she’s the only one who knows what’s going on with your child during the time she has him/her so if you trust her to look after your child in the first place then you need to let her get on with it.

troodiedoo · 22/03/2018 19:10

Speak to her again, and tell her you're putting a note in to remind her of everything.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/03/2018 19:12

You can’t convey tone in a note. At handover tomorrow say she slept badly overnight and you’re hoping she’ll nap for nanny today. Don’t worry about the eating, she won’t have starved her. As long as food’s available, that’s fine.

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 22/03/2018 19:12

I don't think it's rude at all.
Maybe just write up baby's routine and stick it on the fridge

ThatsNotMyUnicorn · 22/03/2018 19:12

When my mum first started looking after my LO I left a note with the routine of the day and what to give her to eat etc as I knew it was a lot to take in when just talking about it. My mum wasn't bothered by this she said it was really helpful so she didn't forget anything!

Thistlebelle · 22/03/2018 19:12

You leave a note for the milkman or the cleaner. You don’t leave a note for your mother in law. She’s not a member of staff you leaver orders for.

You or your DH pick up the phone/go and see her and give her the courtesy of a conversation.

Trumpton · 22/03/2018 19:15

I have smallest dgc twice a week and do school runs for the older two. Just to say that the 18 month old eats very very little for lunch when she is with me . It can be a long day ,up to 12 hours , and it used to worry me but dd said blithely that little one will eat what she wants and just offer a banana if all else fails.
They are different with different carers ! The beasts !

Bumblesnuff4Crimpysnitch · 22/03/2018 19:16

If I was looking after my grandchild and got a note like this I would not be happy. Instead of telling her what to do maybe ask how she got in. Ask if there was a reason for no nap. Just because a child settles for a nap with a parent doesn't mean the child will copy that for grandparents. Of you ask them to be involved you may have to accept your precise way may not work.

SumAndSubstance · 22/03/2018 19:16

My mum used to look after my DS twice a week when he was little. She still has the schedule I wrote out clearly for her on a piece of cardboard! I think it depends where you think your MiL is coming from: is she deliberately disregarding your routine because she doesn't agree with it or is she just forgetting what she's supposed to do and when. Assuming it's the latter (the former is a different matter entirely!), then I think she may well be grateful for a note with everything jotted down so she can refer to it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/03/2018 19:17

Why is the nap important? Surely if he was cranky and tired he would have been put down for a nap? Maybe she was just enjoying his first day with her?

Was he hungry? Again maybe he'd eaten what he wanted?

Tbh if you're going to have your MIL have him whilst you're at work I think within reason you have to trust her and let her get on with it. I wouldn't be writing notes in your shoes.

BewareOfDragons · 22/03/2018 19:19

Even better, have your DH, HER SON!, speak to her.

earlybirdhasanap · 22/03/2018 19:20

I leave my mother in law notes. She just ignores the bits she wants anyway.
I'd phoned at talked to her about things first for weeks. I've just accepted she's doing childcare and that's helpful and if she never feeds her what I've left it's annoying but my daughter is loved and cared for by her and likes to see her and that's the most important thing.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/03/2018 19:21

Even better, have your DH, HER SON!, speak to her.

Why? Unless he's unhappy with the way his mother has looked after the child too.

MuddlingMackem · 22/03/2018 19:21

I did a note for MIL when the PILs first looked after DC1 when we went away overnight. Like a PP's DM she appreciated it as it was too much to remember his routine just from being told. So it's not a bad idea OP if you term it a crib sheet rather than instructions. :)

Original poster
Elektro · 22/03/2018 19:22

Thanks everyone. I didn't realise leaving a note with a few reminders and letting her know the note was in the bag would come across rude.

I'll maybe not say anything. Thank you

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 22/03/2018 19:22

You would be unreasonable to leave a note. You need to realise that when you leave a child in the care of someone else you can recommend what they do and what works for you- but if that doesn’t work for them and they end up with a different schedule then you suck it up as part of the effects of not being the main caregiver at all times.
A happy baby is most important- not a scheduled one.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/03/2018 19:24

I’ve not needed family for childcare as for reasons me and my partner don’t work. But, I did write out instructions and times of feeds etc when our first child was little. I also had a stupid argument about what she had given her to eat. It was a pfb moment. I don’t agree though that because they are doing you a favour they should change things too much. Maybe it being the first day I wouldn’t mind little things like lack of nap and less eaten as it’s also new for the child and that can alter things. Maybe too distracted for a nap etc. I’d talk to her and go by her response with what to do next. Maybe offer to write everything out so she has something to help her remember. I would like that, I also do that for any care our youngest has and it’s reassuring. That’s part of policy though as she gets respite and goes to a nurse run daycare.

Bumblesnuff4Crimpysnitch · 22/03/2018 19:30

Typo sorry, how she got on, not how she got in

PeterRabbitsBlueCoat · 22/03/2018 19:36

I would definitely do a note, but tell her in a "oh I know I'm being over the top, I'm just writing this all down for my own peace of mind really" kind of way.

My MIL looked after my DD1 for about 5 hours when she was 5 months old and I wrote about 10 pages of notes!! When she eats, sleeps etc, what she likes to play with, what to do if she gets cranky. I am well aware now that this was VERY PFB of me, but MIL was v sweet about it.

My mum then had DD1 when she was 18 months. All she had to do was collect her from nursery at 5pm, give her tea, and put her to bed, then get her up & dressed in the morning and take her to nursery. I still did about 2 pages of notes!! Although to be fair this did include directions to nursery.

I don't think she'd be offended as long as you word it right. She's a monther herself, she will hopefully understand!

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