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AIBU?

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Original poster

Leaving note for grandparent

79 replies

Elektro · 22/03/2018 19:04

MIL will be looking after my LO twice a week now I'm back at work following maternity leave. Today was the first day.

Unfortunately she failed to put the LO down for a nap at the usual time (which she is aware of). In addition, she has told us what she gave for lunch etc and it's not substantial enough to fill LO. We provide the food but she only prepared half.

AIBU to put a note in with his things tomorrow just to reiterate what we have already discussed so she's aware? I don't want to seem cheeky as I'm extremely grateful of her favour. I don't want to seem like I'm telling her off!

Please don't turn this into a "pay for childcare, don't use grandparents argument". This is just re leaving her a note.

Thank you

OP posts:
BettyBaggins · 22/03/2018 19:36

There is nothing UNreasonable about leaving a note. Say your friend did one for her Mum and you felt bad you hadnt done one already. She may or may not follow it ha ha!

Do the pp's never leave notes? Odd! I doodle pics on mine too so they are fun to look at. You could write it as if little one wrote it. And write a big thank you for looking after me at the bottom. Nothing rude about that in the slightest.

Rattysparklebum · 22/03/2018 19:37

When I first looked after my dgd, my DIL wrote out her routine, I found it really helpful and my view was if I kept things as much the same as possible I would have a happier granddaughter and therefore a happier DIL and a happier me!

Bumblesnuff4Crimpysnitch · 22/03/2018 19:39

@sumandsubstance don't forgot the 2rd possibility. Just because the child does everything one way for you (routine) doesn't mean they will do it the same, or even need the same, when someone else is looking after them.

It's perhaps worth remembering too; your MIL parented your husband. She can't have done a dire job at it otherwise he wouldn't be the person you love, respect, enjoy being with and trusted enough to have a baby with. (hopefully all 4, though 3 out or 4 would still be great!!)

Bumblesnuff4Crimpysnitch · 22/03/2018 19:40

Bloody typos sorry... I meant 3rd possibility, not 2rd Confused

Taylor22 · 22/03/2018 19:42

What if he won't nap for her? She can read your note but the baby can't.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/03/2018 19:44

You've already gone through what you expect her to do.

What did you say when she said he'd not had a nap or eaten all the food provided?

pastabest · 22/03/2018 19:44

I've got the same issue and I've just decided to suck it up to an extent. It's not great as the missed naps mean that we often either then have a bad night, or that DD spends most of the days when I'm not in work catching up on sleep and we don't manage to get out much.

I/DP have talked about it with MIL who completely gets it and does try where possible to fit naps in but ultimately I can't expect her to stick to the same routines I usually have because she has other stuff to do to, and at the end of the day she isn't me and has her own way of looking after DD that works for her and I'm very grateful that she looks after DD when I'm at work.

I figure that DD will probably adapt over time and things will settle down.

PlumsGalore · 22/03/2018 19:47

How did you know they went down at the wrong time? If she told you why didn't you raise it at that time.

I think if someone looks after your child you gave to accept a certain element of your child fitting into their routine. You wouldnt stipulate a specific sleep time from nursery or a CM would you?

APermanentlyExhaustedPigeon · 22/03/2018 19:48

I occasionally used to leave a note when mum was looking after my DD. I used to write from my DD though, so I’d say something like:

Dear Nanny, can’t wait for another fun day with you. Just to let you know that I’ve been up all night having a party in my cot, so I could really do with a nap after lunch today, etc.

I’d put little doodles on too. my mum loved them, but I get that not everyone’s mum would appreciate it!

Merryhobnobs · 22/03/2018 19:49

Not unreasonable at all. It is hard to remember a babies schedule. I have left notes for my sister and husband before. Having it written down is really helpful and a good reminder even for yourself. Speak to her and leave a note.

SometimesMaybe · 22/03/2018 19:53

Your MIL isn’t a mind reader and it’s possibly been decades since she has looked after a small child. Absolutely nothing wrong with leaving a note with the baby’s rough routine on it - it will help her out.

Yes they are doing you a favour but I don’t think there is any harm is having a few set things that you would like her to adhere to.

MrsJBaptiste · 22/03/2018 19:53

I left a note for my MIL when I first went back to work, God, it was an essay! To be honest, I cringe when I think of it now but it seemed the right thing to do at the time!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/03/2018 19:56

She will probably find a routine what works for her and DS. If he's tired and grumpy she will soon work out he needs a nap. The same with feeding him, he will let her know if he's still hungry. If you've trusted her enough to look after him twice a week then personally I'd leave her to get on with it. I'm sure she'll let you know if she's struggling.

FittonTower · 22/03/2018 19:57

I wrote down the routine for my mum and MIL when i went back to work, not a note but in a little book with our phone numbers and work addresses and stuff.
But for the first few weeks while they were all getting used to each other they my children didn't eat much and didn't nap when they usually did. It was such a huge change from having me around all day to spending days with their nans. It could just be both your baby and your MIL getting used to each other so I'd chat to her about it before sending notes about stuff they may well have been aiming for and not quite managing. Its different to a nursery where the staff do this stuff day in day out, your MIL is probably trying to work out how best to sort the nap and food thing.

Family121 · 22/03/2018 20:01

Done leave her a note, instead create a schedule and say you forgot to give her this the other day as you thought it would help will you looking after her and will make things a little bit easier x

Giraffey1 · 22/03/2018 20:03

I’d leave it a week or two and see how she settles into the role. I think you need to giver time to find her feet. If you still have issues that you really feel you can’t live with, you could have a ‘how are you finding it?’ chat over tea and cake!

Tinkobell · 22/03/2018 20:06

You must know your MIL better than anyone. Tell her you found your first day back a bit tough going. Just say "give baby all the food tomorrow, growing fast & needs it....if you do that baby will nap better, that's what I've found". Reassure her that baby's not a puker....she might be anxious about that. Good luck!!!

DesperateforSPRING · 22/03/2018 20:08

Op, leave a note, speak to her etc but ultimately be prepared for her to have her own ideas on his naps and food.
We really thought we had got naps into Mil ie.. If you let dd sleep in a the day age 4 she will not sleep till midnight.

Unfortunately she was adamant sleep begat sleep and let her sleep. Re food.. She would feed her what she wanted and then say dd was tired at dinner.. Dd came back hungry and would eat what she likes!

saoirse31 · 22/03/2018 20:13

Who are these babies who eat and sleep at the same time every day, no matter if their environment has changed, theyre in a different place, different person looking after them but still what they eat and when they sleep MUST not change? Seriously op?

Fruitcorner123 · 22/03/2018 20:14

A note isn't rude. I left notes for my parents when they first looked after DS with timings of naps and milk. Have no idea if they looked at them. When DD was born I didn't bother. Both children were fine. I would say don't worry and let her find her own routine with your LO. If you are worried I would concentrate on the food and not the naps. It is always tricky for other people to put your children down for naps especially if they have been used to the way you do it so my advice would be let her find her own way.

Original poster
Elektro · 22/03/2018 20:17

I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't know until I got home from work. DP picked baby up when he finished (earlier than me).

I think it's more than she's misunderstood rather than not listened. Hence why I thought writing it down might help. For example, she skipped a bottle feed by giving him the remainder of what was left from his morning bottle. Whereas I'd have given him a full one and he'd most likely have fallen asleep. Then, the lunch I prepared she split in half into a separate bowl and didn't attempt to give him all of it...

OP posts:
diddl · 22/03/2018 20:17

Bliey it was only the first time today!

Why did she do less food & was your lo obviously hungry?

MadTea · 22/03/2018 20:18

Is she is your employee (and you are paying her), leave her a note. If not, don't. She is parenting your child, and as she is parenting, she will do it in her own way. You just have to accept that. It is the trade off.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/03/2018 20:18

Why is leaving a note rude

Because you can't sense tone or ead expressions, and so things often come across poorly. Given the OP's method of self expression is particularly brusque, e.g. "she failed to put the LO down", I think a note will not end well.

Prestonsflowers · 22/03/2018 20:18

I’m a MIL who looks after my DGS, I’d be very upset to have a note from his Mum, but there again I think I must be a very odd MIL because I follow my DIL’s instructions to the letter.
I know I found it strange as to how many ideas have changed, maybe your MIL is just finding her feet and hopefully things will settle down. If not then if it’s possible just have a word with her.
Best of luck

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