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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Needy neighbour

80 replies

DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 14:39

I'm retired, a widow and my DC are grown and flown the nest and I now live alone. My NDN is in exactly the same situation. Her DC and DGC live closer to here than mine do, she sees at least a couple of them every day without fail. Due to distance and schedule I see mine maybe a couple times a week, sometimes less. We do speak very often on the phone though.

I have all sorts of interests and hobbies that keep me busy, plus I like time on my own to MN just relax or read or just have a long soak in the bath. All the things I viewed as a luxury when my DH was alive and my DC at home. My neighbour on the other hand can't stand her own company and is becoming rather demanding. I pop in a couple of times a week or she pops in here. I help her out with odds and bobs and she really is a genuinely nice person.

My problem is, or AIBU in that she wants me to almost 'be on call'. She will phone and either invite herself here or almost demand I go there for tea and biccy's and a chat. I know she is lonely, she never goes far really. We live in a village with an unusually superb bus service into the nearest town and the nearest city. We also have a very good local taxi service baring in mind we are so rural.

I'm beginning to dread the phone ringing as I don't want to feel like I have to provide companionship when I've something planned or I'm busy but she is lovely and I do feel I'm being a bit unfair as I don't need to be entertained and she is lonely.

I would guess the longest she is alone is Monday-Friday 8am-6pm while her family and friends are out of the house working etc. That said, I know she has friends locally who do pop in during the day just not every day. She also has friends who go to see her in the evening as well as family members.

So, AIBU? WWYD?

Sorry for the essay I didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
CuboidalSlipshoddy · 22/03/2018 14:40

She will phone and either invite herself here or almost demand I go there for tea and biccy's and a chat.

"Sorry, I'm busy. Maybe next week?"

Nikephorus · 22/03/2018 14:46

Don't answer!

Hotteacoldheart · 22/03/2018 14:48

If it’s your mobile, agree, don’t answer it?

Sarsparella · 22/03/2018 14:49

Get a landline that shows you whose calling :)

Yanbu at all, you can’t always do what she wants, when she wants!

Original poster
DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 14:50

CuboidalSlipshoddy Nikephorus My only worry is, we have a really good neighbourly relationship and I would hate it to turn sour. I've read so many cases of awful neighbours and while mine is good I'm afraid it could easily turn.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 14:51

I do have a phone with caller display and I'll be honest, my heart sinks when I see it's her. I feel awful writing that.

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 22/03/2018 14:52

If you don't answer your phone will she come to the door? Can she see if you are in or not?

If she can't tell if you are in or not and she won't arrive at your house then i would let your phone go to answer then contact her when you are ready. Tell her you were out/in the bath/were listening to music and didn't hear whatever.

If she will come to the door then you just need to tell her quite frankly that you need a balance of time by yourself as well as chats. Try and maybe establish a regular day and time for a catch up?

Original poster
DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 14:55

blueskyinmarch She can't see that I'm in but she would come to the door on the pretext of making sure I was ok You're right, I do need to gently set some boundaries and make sure they are stuck to. Thank you.

OP posts:
Juells · 22/03/2018 14:55

That would drive me berserk. Just sayin'

kaytee87 · 22/03/2018 14:59

Could you arrange regular times during the week when you are happy to do something and try to stick to them? You could even pretend you've started some hobby that takes up a lot of your time?

pigsDOfly · 22/03/2018 15:00

I'm also retired OP and like you I'm more than happy to be in my own company for much of the time and this would drive me crazy.

You have as much right to live your life the way you want as she does. You need to learn to say, 'sorry not today', in whatever way you think best and whenever you want.

You say you're afraid you'll sour your neighbourly relationship, but that's exactly what she's doing.

If you let her make unreasonable demands on your time you're going to feel as if you're under siege in your own home. You don't want to end up hiding behind the sofa every time the door bell rings.

Avasarala · 22/03/2018 15:02

Just say "no, sorry, I've got plans/got a mountain of things to do/getting in the bath" or whatever.

Why do people have such a hard time saying no. It won't be the end of the world. She'll see you the next time.

Original poster
DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 15:05

kaytee87 I have loads of interests and hobbies so I can't really plan to see her on certain days at certain times, but I do make a effort to see her at least twice a week during the day. I think I need to make it clear I have prioritised seeing her opposed to what I had planned and make it known this has to stop and I'll see her when I can. She has a large circle of people around her, just not during the day every day.

pigsDOfly THANK YOU! This is what I needed to hear, you are so right.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 22/03/2018 15:12

Twice a week is plenty. If she's asking for more than that then I suppose you'll just need to say you don't have the time (which is true). It's difficult though as you don't want to upset her.
I can be a bit introverted and the idea of someone at my house several times a week chatting to me when I could be reading a book or having a long bath stresses me out so I understand where you're coming from!

StormTreader · 22/03/2018 15:15

"we have a really good neighbourly relationship "

Unfortunately its currently based on the premise of "you'll be on call for her permanently, eternally and forever", that has to be renegotiated at some point so it may as well be now!

Original poster
DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 15:16

Thank you kaytee87 I do like my own company and when I'm at home I have to usual housework, laundry etc to do as well as things I want to do. I am going to toughen up as it is making me stressed and it's all just so silly. She is lovely but she isn't my responsibility and I can't be at her beck and call - no one could.

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 22/03/2018 15:16

Sounds like you are doing more than enough to help this lady.
Where I live theres a good neighbours scheme for the elderly where they can do all sorts of classess and have a visitor etc. Its in a community centre.
Is there anything like that near you that you can give her the details of?
I think I would just say to her tactfully that you are very busy and can only spread yourself thinly with all friends. If she calls just say your busy and will catch up later. This should be enough for anyone.

Original poster
DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 15:18

StormTreader I just hope we can stay on good terms once she realises I can't just drop everything to keep her company.

OP posts:
Juells · 22/03/2018 15:18

Could you arrange regular times during the week when you are happy to do something and try to stick to them?

I wouldn't let anyone tie me down to a schedule like that, not even family. It's very wearing to have a stranger starting to feel you're available to provide company. I like being alone in my own house.

Original poster
DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 15:22

Rudgie47 She has lived in her house over 30 years (I think) and knows the area better than I do. I will have a look around and see what is available though. It might help. Like I said in my OP we do have a very good transport system here, we're very lucky. There is no reason why she can't go out and about and meet people. I get the feeling she likes people to dance attendance which means she doesn't have to make any effort. It's sad really as she could have a life filled with so much but it seems she doesn't want that.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 22/03/2018 15:25

Can you develop a 'craft business' (or write a book, why not, everyone else is...)

Then when she rings you can say 'oh, I'm sorry, I'm just in the middle of a project (or chapter) right now and I've got a deadline of (imaginary deadline). How about if I pop over tomorrow for twenty minutes for a cuppa, when I'm in between (whatever projects you've chosen or chapters).'

You can use 'research' to justify going out too...

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 22/03/2018 15:26

I would arrange a regular meet up once a week for tea and a chat and perhaps one other to do a thing together - reading group at the library, walking group etc or some community thing - where she can meet other people from the village and link up with.

Original poster
DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 15:28

Zaphodsotherhead I don't want to have to tell fibs, that's just not me. I am going to be straight and say that I have xyz to do and I'll pop in when I have 5 minutes. She knows I have quite a busy life so I hope she won't take it as me just being nasty. She has asked once if I'm trying to avoid her.

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh1 · 22/03/2018 15:33

Im not retired, but I have a similar neighbour! I feel your pain.

A neighbour who is continuously asking for favours, quite unreasonable ones too! Inviting herself over etc. She is quite manipulative too, in a sweet way! I know she would do anything for me....but I very rarely ask!

Idontdowindows · 22/03/2018 15:37

I've read so many cases of awful neighbours and while mine is good I'm afraid it could easily turn.

I'm afraid that if you dread her ringing you already, it's not really a good relationship. Not for you anyway. Unfortunately you're going to have to be straight with her and simply reduce the amount of popping over and having tea and biccies together.

I'm like you, now I'm retired I do all the stuff I want to and the last thing I want is a schedule for anything. :)