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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Needy neighbour

80 replies

DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 14:39

I'm retired, a widow and my DC are grown and flown the nest and I now live alone. My NDN is in exactly the same situation. Her DC and DGC live closer to here than mine do, she sees at least a couple of them every day without fail. Due to distance and schedule I see mine maybe a couple times a week, sometimes less. We do speak very often on the phone though.

I have all sorts of interests and hobbies that keep me busy, plus I like time on my own to MN just relax or read or just have a long soak in the bath. All the things I viewed as a luxury when my DH was alive and my DC at home. My neighbour on the other hand can't stand her own company and is becoming rather demanding. I pop in a couple of times a week or she pops in here. I help her out with odds and bobs and she really is a genuinely nice person.

My problem is, or AIBU in that she wants me to almost 'be on call'. She will phone and either invite herself here or almost demand I go there for tea and biccy's and a chat. I know she is lonely, she never goes far really. We live in a village with an unusually superb bus service into the nearest town and the nearest city. We also have a very good local taxi service baring in mind we are so rural.

I'm beginning to dread the phone ringing as I don't want to feel like I have to provide companionship when I've something planned or I'm busy but she is lovely and I do feel I'm being a bit unfair as I don't need to be entertained and she is lonely.

I would guess the longest she is alone is Monday-Friday 8am-6pm while her family and friends are out of the house working etc. That said, I know she has friends locally who do pop in during the day just not every day. She also has friends who go to see her in the evening as well as family members.

So, AIBU? WWYD?

Sorry for the essay I didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:

Chrys2017 · 22/03/2018 16:50

@CuboidalSlipshoddy That is a different way of looking at it! Thanks for the input. When I say "kind and good", she does a lot of volunteer and charity work to help other people, and I enjoy our get-togethers when we do meet up… I just seem to want a lot less contact than she does.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 22/03/2018 16:53

Goodasgoldilox'y suggestion is good.. Just say, I am doing something at the moment but how about I pop over tomorrow around 10 for a coffee, and then when you need to go, say what you are going to do... I am off now to...

If she asks if you are avoiding her.. say no.. not at all, just making the most of my solitary time.

MrsElvis · 22/03/2018 16:57

You really are going above and beyond.

I would NOT say sorry I'm doing x y z... don't offer too much info as she will come up with solutions and compromises to get what she wants ie "well you'll have finished that by 2pm so come over then"

Explaining opens up the conversation whereas you need to learn to gently shut her down after you've said "no sorry"

pigsDOfly · 22/03/2018 16:58

Oh OP you missed an opportunity there. When she asked you if you were trying to avoid her you should have sighed heavily and said, 'well now that you come to mention it'

Original poster

DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 16:58

Again, thank you all! You've definitely given me food for thought about the nature of the relationship I thought I had with my NDN. This is where MN comes into its own, making you see things in different ways. I think because she is older than me I took her purely at face value but mention of rhino hide made me stop and think. Yes, I think that may well have nailed it.

OP posts:

kimanda · 22/03/2018 17:05

Good luck Daisy. It's going to be hard, but you can do it!!!!

MacaroniPenguin · 22/03/2018 17:09

OP you sound like a totally awesome person, no wonder she wants you around. I can't improve on PPs' advice to withdraw slowly and accustomise her to a "new normal".

One tip I learned from a parenting book is saying yes. When she asks if you can come round, instead of saying "no, it's not convenient", even if you know she means now say "yes, I'd love to, how about Friday?". The grownup equivalent of "yes you can watch TV... when you have tidied your room!"

Original poster

DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 17:10

kimanda Thank you. Yes, I suspect it is but I'm not going to allow someone for whom I have no responsibility upset my life and cause me stress.

OP posts:

Original poster

DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 17:13

MacaroniPenguin Ahhh now I remember one of my DC telling me about yes parenting. I suppose it could be said my NDN is acting like a child so it could work. Thank you for you kind words about me, it's obvious you don't know me.

OP posts:

ReversingSnail · 22/03/2018 17:13

She probably thinks she's being friendly. Rather than hiding from her, I like the suggestion of saying you like time to yourself but perhaps you could have coffee every fourth Tuesday (or not if you don't want to). I have had friends who came on too strong and being an introvert I cane to dread the phone, even if they were nice people. Make it clear what your expectations are, after all that's what she has done. Unfortunately, if you don't spell it out, you could end up with a misunderstanding where she takes offence, which could be annoying with her being a near neighbour.

Original poster

DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 17:18

ReversingSnail I think you're right, however I do think she does like to get her own way. My previous posts show her as passive aggressive at times. I saw it as being desperate for company I'm now beginning to wonder if it's just about control. Thanks to PP for making me look at this in a deeper way.

OP posts:

kimanda · 22/03/2018 17:19

THAT is a good idea!

Reminds me of when people used to ask to 'pop round' I would say 'yeah that's great, come at 2pm. I need to pick up my cousin/aunt/nana from the station at 4, so that gives us an hour and a half to chat and have a coffee.....' Then I had a 'get out jail free card' kind of thing! Like, an excuse to not have to entertain someone for long.

That said, I would try and phase this woman out of my life as much as possible, as she sound awful.

MacaroniPenguin · 22/03/2018 17:21

Also lots of adults find it difficult to say "no".

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 22/03/2018 17:25

This is what happened to my gran. The thing is, you don't always get on just because you are both retired! If my gran didn't appear every morning, she'd be on the phone finding out where she was, why were the curtains closed, could she just get a few bits in the town and so on. It just became very wearing, especially as they didn't have a lot in common.

It's nice to look out for your neighbours, but unless you are actually friends (as in get on really well), I'd cut back the visits to what you want, and concentrate on being a good neighbour by doing things like asking if she's ok if you see her, taking her bins out and being pleasant but not intrusive.

I suspect she thinks you are peas in a pod, but once people start saying 'are you avoiding me?' then you are on a loser. Reset the boundaries now before you end up caring for her as well as being a friend.

kimanda · 22/03/2018 17:26

As snail and macaroni said, (and me haha) - trying to suggest a positive vibe by saying 'yeah let's do whatever,' and state a time and a date, will (hopefully) stop her badgering you all the time. 'Er yeah, let's go have a costa next Thursday. I have a lot on til then, but am free then...'

Something like that!

And yeah, it is harder to say fuck off weirdo NO than many people make out.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 22/03/2018 17:29

Also, I find it easier to be firm on the phone, or better still email.

It's harder in person.

I'd say 'I'm really busy this week, how about next Thurs?'

I don't have any friends who would be available at the drop of a hat, this is normal friendship, friends don't usually just come around/pop by all the time these days. Whether or not she has other people to occupy her instead is not your problem!

Original poster

DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 17:29

Yes, I'm going to yes parent my NDN Enough is enough and the insight by all who have added their wisdom to this thread have given me the confidence to do it. Thank you!

OP posts:

kimanda · 22/03/2018 17:30

I do wonder why people are like this.

Loneliness? A personality disorder?

It's normal to want company, but some people are sooo intense.

It's like the people who keep shop assistants, and cashiers (and doctors receptionists etc,) chatting for ages and ages about nothing, whilst the queue builds up to the exit! They want and need to talk and talk, and seem oblivious to the trouble they are causing, and the nuisance they are being.

Sorry if that sounds unkind. I know they often cannot help it, but they can be a pain sometimes, and very wearing........

NorthEndGal · 22/03/2018 18:12

I'd go for super honesty.
I'd say something like:

You asked the other day if I am avoiding you. I am not, but I wanted to have a little chat so we didn't ever reach that point. I wouldn't want to ruin our relationship.

I really like your company, but we have 2 different social settings. You like to see people lots, I prefer to socialize in small doses.
I don't want you to feel bad if I'm not up for visiting, it's not personal, I just really value my quiet time.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!

Would something like that work?

GetoutofthatGarden · 22/03/2018 18:33

Introduce her to Mumsnet...you'll never see her again.

Hypermice · 22/03/2018 18:47

I do wonder why people are like this.

I don’t think it’s lonliness. I have great sympathy with loneliness but everyone I can think of who I’ve met who I’d say was lonely was respectful of other people’s space.

I think some people just cannot bear to be alone - they have no internal world and have a need for external stimuli constantly. It’s not quite the same as extroversion, it’s like they cannot exist in quiet/by themselves.
I know quite a few parents like this - every moment is scheduled, every evening is taken up with classes and activities for their kids.
I spoke to one of them and she says she literally cannot bear to be alone - she says she feels like she doesn’t exist unless she’s talking to someone.
As a person who needs solitude I can’t imsgine what that must be like - frightening I assume.,

Original poster

DaisyDrip · 22/03/2018 18:59

Thanks again everyone especially GetoutofthatGarden your comment made me a lot. I am still reading and taking on board all of the comments as they're so helpful plus they really are giving me the strength to be able to sort this out. I think it will be possible to stop this but keep the relationship civil and neighbourly. I appreciate you all.

OP posts:

willynillypie · 22/03/2018 19:08

haha this reminds me so much of a relationship I had with a neighbour - I have since learnt NOT to make friends with them! It got to the point where if I said I was busy and didn't want to hang out (because I just couldn't handle it any more) she would text me like "fine, I'll just cry alone then" and other disturbing and emotionally blackmailing nonsense. She then tried to insist upon bringing her mother as a plus one to our wedding (sadly I had invited her before she turned single white female).

I agree with NorthEndGal ! You need to have a bit of an awkward discussion where you let her know you like her but you like time on your own as well...a lot of time on your own...

I wish you all the luck in the world, you may well need it!

milliemolliemou · 22/03/2018 19:25

OP would it be worth in one of your yes-parenting conversations taking her into town with for a cup of tea/look around/museum or whatever on x date. If NDN doesn't want to come then you're free to suggest another date,. If she does then you've shown her how simple it is to go out and meet people who aren't you and do things without you.

I presume she hasn't got a laptop or owt like that?

Wish I'd known yes-parenting - would have worked on colleagues, DCs and OH. The things you learn when it's too late ...

JauntyAngle · 22/03/2018 19:37

OP I think you sound fab!

If she's already asked if you're avoiding her, that is the perfect springboard for you to say:

I'm sorry if you have the impression that I'm trying to avoid you, the truth is, I don't have the time to pop round several times a week. I keep myself busy with various hobbies and I really do enjoy time to myself. I hope you don't take offence, it's just that we're clearly quite different in that respect. Of course I would still like to see you, but I'm afraid it may not be on a weekly basis.

If she still doesn't get the hint then just don't answer the phone or the door! Some people have such a thick skin, it may not even register with her
But, at least you can ignore her safe in the knowledge that you at least tried to be decent about it!

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