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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

An in laws one

69 replies

Woollysheepsheep · 22/03/2018 07:36

Aibu, I feel like my in laws are always running away with their ideas and I don't know how to deal with it.

Such as mil might suggest we all 'go away' somewhere for Christmas. I'll make non committal noises and say I'm not sure, I don't know what we are doing yet, I don't really fancy going away at Christmas.

The next thing I know she's booking places.

They suggest they'll take the dc away for the weekend. Now they've made some extremely questionable decisions when caring for my dc, and the youngest is still only tiny so I'm hardly filled with faith and trust.

Again I'll say things like I think they're a bit young, we might have plans ourselves and so on, the next thing mil is texting asking "are we still taking the dc away at the weekend as planned".

They also try very hard to book up our weekends and bank holidays. So they'll say make sure you keep x weekend free, make sure you keep x bank holiday free we are planning something. We just get told.

Dh and I have to work some weekends so our free time is very precious. Of course we can say no, but often it's not that we have other plans, I just don't want my time booked up for me. Often me and dh will just decide on a Friday evening that we are going to go somewhere nice, weather depending and so on.

In laws are making me feel trapped.

Dh says he will deal with it but his dealing with it is just to ignore them and expect me to do the same.

OP posts:
hesterton · 22/03/2018 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/03/2018 07:43

If your H won't deal with it then I'm afraid you must.

It sounds very full on. I'm all for family being together but not all the time.. we all need our own space.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 22/03/2018 07:45

Actually we have plans that week end.
Actually we have plans for Christmas .
Or just actually fuck off.

DeathStare · 22/03/2018 07:47

"I can't commit to that right now. Please don't book anything that includes us. If we later find out we can come we'll make our own arrangements"

GnotherGnu · 22/03/2018 07:52

My SiL is like this. When I was expecting DC2 who was due in January, during the course of general chitchat I said something about hoping she wouldn't be early as it would mess up Christmas. Somehow SiL extrapolated from that that we wanted her to have DC1 for Christmas and the next thing we heard was that she was making all sorts of plans for his visit. Needless to say, DC1 was going to be sent away for Christmas over my dead body. We had to be very firm that we'd never asked for anything of the sort, though in the interests of family harmony DH still had to flog off with DS to visit her a couple of days before Christmas.

You need to stop being non-committal: if she starts talking about going away for Christmas, make it very clear that you plan to have Christmas at home. If she tells you to keep weekends free, say it's not possible. You don't have to give her details of prior commitments - it's permissible to say you have other plans, even if those plans are simply to do nothing all weekend, or to go with the flow and decide on the Friday evening.

Laiste · 22/03/2018 07:53

Maybe your DH has hit on a way to deal with them. (he's had longer to work it out :)) Can you copy what he does? How does he 'ignore' it, exactly?

If it's a case of him literally saying 'you answer the text,' or whatever, say no, they're your parents, you answer them. And then do nothing and let him.

Seeline · 22/03/2018 07:55

Don't be vague - say no.
And mean no - don't participate.
Surely she can't forcibly remove the children if you don't want them to go. You told her no, no means no.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/03/2018 07:58

I think in reality we don't actually say things like " I can't commit to that right now. Please don't book anything... blah blah " to people we know well. It's scripted and unnatural and I think the OP would probably feel awkward repeating it.

She does need to start saying her own way that she doesn't know what they'll be doing at Christmas as it's such a long way off so don't book anything for us type thing. Same with Bank holidays.

People only railroad those who allow themselves to be railroaded.

eurochick · 22/03/2018 08:01

Stop making "non-commital noises". That is clearly being interpreted as acquiescence.

Original poster
Woollysheepsheep · 22/03/2018 08:03

I always feel like if I'm saying no I ought to give a reason why, but I don't have to do I?

Also I need to remember that doing absolutely nothing special because that's what I've chosen to do, still counts as having plans.

I just don't know where they get their ideas from.

It's difficult when they ask to take the dc away because short of saying no I don't trust you as far as I could throw you, so that's why I say things like they're too young, we might be busy, thinking they'll take the hint.

Dh just completely ignores their texts and feels no guilt about it.

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 22/03/2018 08:03

If she hears anything but a clear no as yes, then you need to get better at saying no firmly. Any variation on "maybe" leaves enough scope for planning.

It isn't automatically rude to say no. Don't dance round for the sake of her feelings: say no.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/03/2018 08:05

Does your H trust them with the dc? What sort of things do they do to make you worry?

Inertia · 22/03/2018 08:06

Just start saying no! You are a grown-up, you don't have to do as you're told.

CotswoldStrife · 22/03/2018 08:07

Sounds like you need to be more definite and less vague, OP. Give them a clear no from the off to reduce the hassle later!

Moussemoose · 22/03/2018 08:08

If DH ignores it you should. His family, his rules.

If they don't like it direct them to him.

He is dealing in his way. Just say "oh you better ask DH" or " DH will let you know".

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/03/2018 08:11

The trouble is that people like this hear a clear 'no' as a 'yes'.

So you might need to put it in writing, then there is absolutely no doubt that you said no. Otherwise they can pretend to have 'forgotten' or 'we thought you'd changed your mind' or a hundred other excuses.

So text or email or drop them a little card or something that says 'thanks for the kind offer of xxxx, but I'm afraid we can't (make that weekend/do Christmas/let the kids go away). Be unequivocal but for God's sake DO IT IN WRITING. Or, even better, get your DH to, but he won't, will he?

Laiste · 22/03/2018 08:11

Well if DH feels no guilt about ignoring texts then neither should you under the circumstances.

If it's face to face straight to you then you will sadly have to stick to a few stock phrases which you feel ... not good, but least bad about saying all the time.

It's a PITA when people push and poke and make you repeat yourself and it makes you feel rude. You have to remember though that's the way they're making it be. If they would take the bloody hint you wouldn't have to keep repeating 'no'.

As for explaining yourself - again - if that makes YOU feel better then do it. Own it. Keep giving the 'excuses' - busy, kids age, ect., i would in your situation and it would drive me mad too, but that's me. I'd feel rude just saying no. But strictly speaking that's my problem. You (and i !) could just keep saying brightly and simply no thanks :)

Original poster
Woollysheepsheep · 22/03/2018 08:14

Gosh all sorts of stupid things.

Losing my toddler on a shop.
Putting my 4 month old baby at the time with direct sunlight in his face to force him to close his eyes because he wouldn't sleep.
Small children wander around in the kitchen with hot pans bubbling away.
Drinking a bottle of wine each when babysitting
Putting baby to sleep in just a nappy in January with no hearing on and windows wide open.
Kissing baby with cold sores.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woollysheepsheep · 22/03/2018 08:15

No heating on not no hearing.

OP posts:
TERFragetteCity · 22/03/2018 08:16

I'll make non committal noises and say I'm not sure, I don't know what we are doing yet, I don't really fancy going away at Christmas.

'Thanks MIL but we are staying home for Christmas.'

Again I'll say things like I think they're a bit young, we might have plans ourselves and so on, the next thing mil is texting asking "are we still taking the dc away at the weekend as planned"

'Thanks MIL but no, nothing was planned.'

So they'll say make sure you keep x weekend free, make sure you keep x bank holiday free we are planning something.

'Thanks MIL - let us know what you are planning and we will let you know if we can make it'.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 22/03/2018 08:16

I think the problem is you aren't actually saying no, so mil doesn't know that you don't want to do these things...

Practice in advance some scenarios of things she would say and what your responses to say a polite but firm no needs to be

If you are stuck with what your responses should be why not post some scenarios on here, and have the number ladies give you some responses that you can store away in your mind ready for when you need them...Grin

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/03/2018 08:18

" no we can't make that date sorry we're doing something else "

" no sorry we're just chilling out at weekend it's been a busy week "

" no idea what we are doing for Christmas so best to leave us out of the plans "

You don't have to be rude but you do have to be firm and leave no room for them to ignore you.

Laiste · 22/03/2018 08:21

I agree about making sure you have actually said no Grin

When i was younger i would hedge around the word and looking back i probably did leave it in doubt because i'd fudged it.

It does make you feel rude keep on having to say no though. Even if you find a way to say it nicely in the ways Great has just put. That's life dealing with different people though.

mojito55 · 22/03/2018 08:22

If you're not saying no then you can't really complain. Just be firm. Even if you haven't booked anything just say you've "got something in the works for that weekend", keep it vague.

Shodan · 22/03/2018 08:23

My XMIL is like this. She would have an idea, mention it to me, I wouldn't say anything/would be non-committal and the next thing I knew it was all booked/arranged.

As other pps have said, be firm and say no- there are lots of good suggestions here on how to go about it.

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