An in laws one

[Woollysheepsheep]

Aibu, I feel like my in laws are always running away with their ideas and I don't know how to deal with it.

Such as mil might suggest we all 'go away' somewhere for Christmas. I'll make non committal noises and say I'm not sure, I don't know what we are doing yet, I don't really fancy going away at Christmas.

The next thing I know she's booking places.

They suggest they'll take the dc away for the weekend. Now they've made some extremely questionable decisions when caring for my dc, and the youngest is still only tiny so I'm hardly filled with faith and trust.

Again I'll say things like I think they're a bit young, we might have plans ourselves and so on, the next thing mil is texting asking "are we still taking the dc away at the weekend as planned".

They also try very hard to book up our weekends and bank holidays. So they'll say make sure you keep x weekend free, make sure you keep x bank holiday free we are planning something. We just get told.

Dh and I have to work some weekends so our free time is very precious. Of course we can say no, but often it's not that we have other plans, I just don't want my time booked up for me. Often me and dh will just decide on a Friday evening that we are going to go somewhere nice, weather depending and so on.

In laws are making me feel trapped.

Dh says he will deal with it but his dealing with it is just to ignore them and expect me to do the same.

OP - those examples you gave are just awful. Your ILs should never be left in sole charge of your DCs...

p.s. I am a MiL too.

Why not agree a couple of things with them and say "no" to all the others? Or do you not want to see them at all?

I don't think "Thanks MIL..." is a good idea, she will only hear the "thanks" and take it as a YES.

Hard as it maybe, I think the only way is to make it clear with no room for ambiguity. "No, that's not happening". If you really feel the need to say more then something along the lines of "we'll let you know when we can see you over Xmas" or whatever. You'll need to railroad them back so "No, that was never agreed" or "No, I've already said that didn't work for us"

Good Luck.

I don't think "Thanks MIL..." is a good idea, she will only hear the "thanks" and take it as a YES.

Then she will get disappointed and have to start listening to the end of the sentence then. She is an adult and can cope with it.

I'll make non committal noises and say I'm not sure - you need to stop being so wishy washy about it and just say no.
No, the children aren't going away with anyone else until we think they are old enough for it.
No, we don't want to go away for Xmas, we're staying home.
No, we'd rather keep our weekends free for now.

Or just do what your H does and ignore their texts.

My PIL are like this too. You have to say no, really clearly. They will not pick up on a hint. In their case, it's a combination of social leadenfootedness (they will not pick up on cues that other people would read) and selfishness (they don't want to hear the 'no' so they choose not to). The only answer is to be absolutely clear, to a point that would be rude in another context.

Also the biggest way of them listening is if their son says no it's not happening. It's unfair that he doesn't say anything.

Ah OP, thanks for this thread - I have the same problems.
For me it's them wanting me to go out in the evenings - dinners / events etc with their friends. We live near them and I have two pre school kids and frankly almost never want to go out late at night because we have early mornings and full on days every single day. And anyway if I do go out I prefer it to be with DH and/ or my own friends.
I do offer them the chance to do stuff during the day however - all the time.
They have also tried to pressure me into a full on family vacation of a type which at my kids' age will be nothing but a major ball ache for me and the kids won't remember a thing.
I've also tried to say no subtly on numerous occasions, because i know that if I was the recipient of the subtle no, I'd back off straight away. They on the other hand keep on and on until I cave. Well when ARE you free to do xyz? You really HAVE to come to abc.
There are other complications but they would out me but feel free to PM for mutual moan/advice swapping!

DH and i have spent the last 10/12 years swerving going to PILs holiday place with them. She and FIL are nice enough people for normal sort of days together and we see them regularly, but neither of us want to spend our one every 2 years family holiday squashed in a small apartment in a boiling hot country with them.

MIL brings it up about 4 or 5 times a year. I wish one of us could tell her we just don't want to go but there's no nice way to do it. So it's on with the ''hmmmm, we'll have to see.....'' for another goodness knows how many years.

I know it's not quite the same but i feel your pain OP.

You both need to learn what I believe is one of life's most difficult lessons 'how to say no' - nicely but firmly.

It's tricky - you want to decline but don't want to hurt IL's feelings which is why many of us ignore situations or are non-committal - hoping this will work, but sadly it doesn't.

Could you say, 'No, we can't commit' and/or 'No, we can't arrange this in advance' and keep on saying 'No, we can't' to every suggestion until you're blue in the face. Sadly if your ILs act like an express train at speed you're going to feel like you're being run over.

I'm trying a new thing with my sister's...(well two in particular)

No thanks...because I don't want to.

They're v good at guilt tripping you into things. This is working v well so far.

at the idea of Theworldisfullofidiots - ''No thanks...because I don't want to''.

Even though it is what we aught to say.

I’ve started publicising that we will be reserving a number of weekends/school breaks for family time. At least one in three will be purposely left free. No plans. We put a big chalkboard calendar thingo in our kitchen, created a code ‘FT’ in red chalk pen. Dotted everywhere.

Makes it clear that we prize our home time, and count it as ‘something that’s on’ to look forward to and protect, rather than it being ‘nothing on’.

Whether relatives understand it or rail against it, I don’t much care. I’m convinced the pace of modern life is hurting families and marriages, so I’m happy to cheerfully defend ‘pajama days’ to everyone!

The best thing I ever took on board is "No is a complete sentence". I used to go into detail about why something didn't suit, and every reason would be whittled away. Explanations give the compulsive persuader to have a way in.

No.

Barbarianmum
Why not agree a couple of things with them and say "no" to all the others? Or do you not want to see them at all

We do things with them all the time.

We see them every weekend, I'd like to reduce it to every other weekend.

We see them every Christmas, we've gone to them a few times but even on the years we say we are having it at home they invite themselves over.

Of course I don't want to not see them at all. But I don't want my life organised by them.

I used to have this problem. This is what I did.

Firstly, IMO, there are 3 parties to satisfy. That is your family, your in-laws and your little family of you, DH and DC. Take your calendar and book yourselves out fairly. If you had Easter with your PIL last year, this year it is either your parents and siblings or your little family's turn. This is FAIR. Even though it is a pain to book out in advance, it is totally worth it. That way you can offer your PIL a fait accompli, a done deal. So, for example my MIL wants to spend every Christmas with us. I am happy to do every other, but not all. I don't spend Christmas with my parents as they always go away so she thinks it is an open goal. Also my MIL is not just happy with Christmas, she wants to spend NY together as well. Whether or not we are spending Christmas together I always say no to NY. We either go away or spend it with friends.

This sounds quite nasty but my MIL is possibly the most controlling and selfish person I have ever met. She absolutely hates me because I don't do as I am told.

I think though the op feels she shouldn’t have to be booked up and say so. Being booked up can be doing nothing all weekend and just chilling with the kids.

I don’t think you should be planning stiff and always telling them what etc.

Your dh ignores them. I would try this. If mil texts to say can we have the kids, ignore it.

Then if she texts again say no. No excuse just no.

Regards then dropping round unasked Christmas and weekends I think you may need to tell them
Pre empitivly please don’t drop by as we are just spending time together

I think you need to get over offending them. You are too polite love.

I really just don't get it. If I asked someone to do something and they didn't give an enthusiastic yes. I'd leave it alone, I'd just say "let me know if you do want to sometimes". Then I'd leave the ball in their court.

I just don't get how me saying "I'm not sure, the dc are too young, we are very busy". Translates into "when shall we do it".

Yes I obviously do need to learn how to say no firmly.

Make it so PILs have to make all plans through your DH? Just keep saying "I'll need to check with DH" and make it his problem to ignore or engage. Then when he ignores them, "oh sorry, didn't DH get back to you, I'll remind him". Rinse and repeat.

I expect DP to organise our plans with his parents, and I organise ones with my family. Saves confusion and stops PILs trying to play us off against each other.

That's it I don't want to be booked up.

That doesn't mean I never want to see them, at the moment while my children are young and I'm working, my free time is very precious to me.

Plus there are some things I will just never ever want to do.

I don't want my children to go on holiday with them, I don't trust them. I don't want to tell them I don't trust them because I want to keep the peace.

"oh sorry, didn't DH get back to you, I'll remind him". Rinse and repeat.

I suspect they'd take that as agreement to whatever it is they want.

One Christmas I was in tears when I called a friend, because I couldn't see a time when I'd be able to snuggle on the sofa in peace with my two children, being pulled in so many directions by my own family and ex's. Friend said "Tell everyone what you're doing, and let them work around that". It was so easy when I finally saw the light!

Everyone else is suiting themselves, and expecting you to fit in with their plans. There's no law that says you have to.

OP - as for them taking the children away I’d just simply say ‘no, the children aren’t going to be going away without me there’. You don’t have to say you don’t trust them. Just repeat and say ‘that’s just the way I feel’, or ‘that’s the way it is’ - shrug and move on. You don’t have to give a reason.

Or can you move? I know it’s a huge thing but it has saved some mumsnetters sanity

If DH ignores it you should. His family, his rules

This ^ absolves YOU of anything.

I must admit the way my DH deals with his DP makes me cringe, I have felt its not polite its not this or that but at the end of the day - HE is their son. If he isnt being polite or upfront saying NO, why is that my problem!

I think just dont go anywhere - dont do anything and when they turn up or call all disappointing because they booked somewhere..." oh talk to DH he said he was dealing with it" Put it straight back onto him, its not your problem.

Yes you may feel awkward, rude etc..but I guess one has to ask why doesnt he feel that? Their actual son!

Yes no way let them have the kids alone as they can’t be trusted.

That’s a bold no, we miss them so no not until they are older.

To be fair this will sort itself as when the kids are older they may be fine having them and then kids do their own thing. In the meantime just be ruder.