An in laws one

[Woollysheepsheep]

Aibu, I feel like my in laws are always running away with their ideas and I don't know how to deal with it.

Such as mil might suggest we all 'go away' somewhere for Christmas. I'll make non committal noises and say I'm not sure, I don't know what we are doing yet, I don't really fancy going away at Christmas.

The next thing I know she's booking places.

They suggest they'll take the dc away for the weekend. Now they've made some extremely questionable decisions when caring for my dc, and the youngest is still only tiny so I'm hardly filled with faith and trust.

Again I'll say things like I think they're a bit young, we might have plans ourselves and so on, the next thing mil is texting asking "are we still taking the dc away at the weekend as planned".

They also try very hard to book up our weekends and bank holidays. So they'll say make sure you keep x weekend free, make sure you keep x bank holiday free we are planning something. We just get told.

Dh and I have to work some weekends so our free time is very precious. Of course we can say no, but often it's not that we have other plans, I just don't want my time booked up for me. Often me and dh will just decide on a Friday evening that we are going to go somewhere nice, weather depending and so on.

In laws are making me feel trapped.

Dh says he will deal with it but his dealing with it is just to ignore them and expect me to do the same.

I don't think moving house is the answer or even necessary. Both the OP and her need to be on the same hymn sheet and both need to say no more. It's that simple.

I think because neither really do this the PILs probably don't understand how frustrated the OP is. And why would they if they're never given a solid " no we aren't around that weekend - Bank Holiday - Christmas " they'll just keep pecking on.

You'll feel liberated OP once you've done it, but you need to get your H on board though so you're not made out to be the one saying NO all the time.

Thanks for all the tips.

I think in laws like to think they're some some o matriarch and patriarch who deserve to have all their minions family around them at their every whim.

I always feel like if I'm saying no I ought to give a reason why, but I don't have to do I?

No you don't. 'Thank you for the suggestion, but we're going to pass this time.'

I have spoken to dh about this and he's said he's in agreement about it all but I think he's so used to kowtowing he can't say no, so just ignores.

You REALLY need to break the every weekend habit.

Yes, I'm not unreasonable to think that every other weekend is enough, am I?

They act like they're doing us a favour if they 'let' us have a weekend to ourselves or have Christmas at home.

Start booking things every other weekend then. And then just stay home.

I had a similar issue with DM and trying to say no resulted in many passive aggressive comments.

Trying to explain that sometimes we were busy, sometimes we needed time to do nothing our own thing etc.. didn't make any difference.

DH was in agreement with how difficult it was. He was working away a lot and at weekends he often just wanted to be at home relaxing. So we went through the diary, worked out any holiday dates ie whose turn for Christmas etc and then worked out a regular date for meeting ie every 8 weeks (we live a good drive away) and then I started saying 'sorry, we can't do then but we could meet up on x date'.

I didn't give reasons for not meeting and we were still able to choose what we did on those dates but having the diary blocked out made it easer for me to say 'sorry, can't do then' and being able to offer a date to meet up showed we were not avoiding them (we were slightly flexible on meeting up dates because of holidays etc but not so DM thought she could book out any free weekends).

Might be worth a try OP?

Honestly you don't have to do every other weekend if it doesn't suit you OP. When you've got a young family and are both busy working etc time is precious. There doesn't have to be a regimented time.

When do you see your family OP?

And yes start booking other things every other weekend. Things that can't be changed and they can't invite themselves along to or wouldn't want to do.

"We are going to visit friends in..."
" It's my relative's birthday party..."
"We're going scuba diving..."
" We've booked a weekend in..."

" WE JUST WANT TO STOP AT HOME ON OUR OWN AND CHILL!"

Oh and say you have arrangements even if you haven't. They are being unbelievably selfish and unreasonable.

Greatduckcookery thanks, this is how I feel really, I just don't want to make lots of commitments right now.

Obviously if there's a wedding or a birthday party or something important then of course I'll book it in.

Life is busy, we're working, have young kids, we are tired, stuff happens, the dc get ill, they get invited to parties, the older one has clubs, I have other family to fit in too. The precious free time we get I don't want booked up with their ideas.

There is usually a DH in this scenario who is totally used to PIL's antics since they brought him up, he sees their behaviour as normal and just does what has he knows will give him an easy life.

Your key to managing this is to get him totally on side with you. He very likely knows that would be the right thing to do, but just hasn't bothered to tackle it mentally. He needs to now, especially with the safeguarding of your DC.

With regard to family plans, if you say No in future that will be it, with no making the plans they want anyway, or whiny PA messages behind your back to DH. Working together as one with DH you will get that message through, maybe verr-rry slowly, but it will percolate eventually. I know because I have done it, and seen it done successfully.

My PIL may not like it, and don't like me as a result crying bloody shame that and their loss but they do respect our boundaries

I think you have to be more clear in saying no.

"Why don't we all go away on holiday together?"

"No, that won't work for us."

"I want to take your children away for a weekend!"

"No, they're too small still."

No one argues when a mum says "they're too young", and if they do they are on a hiding to nothing. The mum trumps everyone and if she thinks they're too young, then they usually are.

All sorts of things are involved in the first few times your children stay away, especially overnight, all of which they need a bit of preparing for. So when the mum says "too young yet" at keast one other things she's telling you is that she has not prepared them for it (and possibly is not going to?).

This is something where you have all the power, so just say no with confidence.

For things which involve you and dh too, you have to make it very clear. "That weekend is booked.""Sorry, our Christmas plans aren't finalised. No, I can'tt tell you more, as they're not finalised."

If the worst comes to the worst you can just say you don't want to, or don't want to commit yet. Even (exasperatedly) "We have to see my family sometimes!"

They sound like Engulfers, as (I think) Susan Forward, author of Toxic Inlaws, puts it! Mine used to be a bit like that.

If (when) you do find a way to start pushing back, be prepared for lots of comments about how "funny" you are about not letting them take your children, and various other remarks designed to let everyone know how odd you are being. You are not of course, but it will suit them to make you doubt yourself.
(as you may have guessed, I have some similar family members!)

I don't think "Thanks MIL..." is a good idea, she will only hear the "thanks" and take it as a YES.

Then she will get disappointed and have to start listening to the end of the sentence then. She is an adult and can cope with it.

I disagree as it seems that is precisely the OPs issue - MIL is not listening at all.

MIL is an adult but thinks she should get her own way and doesn't even get given an inch but is still taking several a mile(s).

I'd be proactive and say to MIL - we're getting really busy these days and are struggling to book everything in.

Our weekends are very precious, but so is our time with you, so we'd like to suggest that we arrange to see each other the last Sunday in every month (or whatever works). We hope this helps you too with planning.

We've also been talking about Christmas/Easter whatever, and have decided that the fairest way to organise this is for us to have one Christmas on our own, one Christmas with you, and one Christmas with my family. This year we're going to have a Christmas on our own. Next year we'd like to come to you if that suits.

Then you have a plan. They have concrete times when they see you and their expectations are managed. It then makes it easier to say no to the other weekends - as I told you we're so busy at the moment, we're not available then. (even if not available means lying on the sofa!)

Holidays - just say "I'm not comfortable with the children going away without us yet. I'll let you know when I think they're ready". Then if they ask again, "no, still not ready. I will let you know when I think they are".

Good luck, sounds like a nightmare!