To ask how you split parenting duties when one has much more senior job

[stretchmarkqueenie]

DH is the breadwinner but we both work full time, DC in full time childcare as no family support nearby. I do all nursery drop offs/pick ups and the emergency leave when DC are poorly. DH role does require some travel and I totally appreciate I can't expect 50/50 split of parenting duties (for want of a better phrase!), but would like some level of sharing them. AIBU? Should the breadwinner be able to focus solely on work? Keen to learn how others share when one parent is in a much more senior role than the other

Well my husband is by far the greater earner but it’s much easier for him to deal with parenting emergencies because he’s so senior he can be totally flexible. I’m a TA, so it’s much harder for me to take any time off at all. Plus absence for me is linked to the Bradford factor whereas no one bats an eyelid if he’s there or not since he can easily work from home. So basically - he does it all.

I think it doesn't be matter what your role is or how much you get paid. Your job is important to you and he should respect that.

But your child is a priority and as a co parent he should do his share, we split 30/70 roughly -

I do all the drop-offs/ emergency leave etc. I've basically given up on career at the moment and I resent the hell out of it - but there's more to my situation than the childcare.

I think how reasonable it is to expect change depends on how much you expect to take on financial responsibility in lieu of child responsibility. It's reasonable to expect to be able to pursue your career more, but it may be less reasonable to expect him to take on more so that you can just feel less pressure.

My DH is the main breadwinner. I'm a childminder so I can do the day to day stuff quite easily. I need to give parents lots of notice for time off though so he often does the kids assemblys/parents evenings/DENTIST appointments. He will also take them to activities and stuff. His job is quite flexible though, he has flexi time and can work from home. It's not really about flexibility to my mind, it's about that aspect - is your DH's job flexible?

Argh, fat fingers! Not really about seniority that should read.

My DH earns way way more than me but he is home based. Since they've been school aged, they are fine to lie in bed/on the sofa with a blanket/book/dvd while he works so he is the default sick days parent. If he's away then I have no choice but luckily my work is pretty flexible.
However I work term time only so in the holidays it's all me!

In our house it's nothing to do with seniority or earnings, it's on the day down to who can most easily do the childcare with least impact on their job.

To add, we share drop offs but I do all pick ups and after-school activities taxiing.

"would like some level of sharing" implies that your partner does zero parenting

Got nothing to do with who's job is more "senior" - Who has the most flexible job? Who could get to school/nursery quicker?

I dont think it should be a case of my jobs more important so you deal with the kids.

With us, who earns more doesn't factor into it. It's more about who can do it faster lol. DP drives, but I don't, so he does picks up and drop offs.

In the past, as I had been in my job for longer, and he was still in his probation period, I would handle time off if DS was sick.

I would expect time off to look after kids to be split evenly, tbh. If he's senior, surely he can negotiate time off for that. If he isn't, it might be because he just doesn't want to ....

YANBU.

Although I have the more senior job, I also have the shortest commute. Which means I end up doing a lot of the drop offs/pick ups (not really an issue any more as our youngest DC is now in Y7).

When they were younger, we shared much more. To start with, we both worked locally in jobs which were office hours only. Then DH stayed put in a local job for 4 years whilst I worked on my career (DC were 3 and 5 at the start of this period). Once I got promoted, DH moved job to work on his career I keep telling him he's had his 4 years, and it's my turn again.

We found we couldn't work FT, deal with small children and both focus on our career all at the same time. I think our split worked well. I may be biased - my career has progressed more than DH I earn 1.5 times his salary.

Like pp said. It's not about earnings but flexibility and give and take. DP is more senior than me but my job is not less important and he works from home more than I do so we just work out who is best placed to do whatever needs doing. We have rare days when we're both "indispensable" ie in court or on a 3 line whip training event but we work round it.

I earn more and probably travel more these days, definitely more overseas. But I work locally when I'm in the office.
We both work 0.8
So I do 2-3 days drop off then straight to work, but DH works from home if I'm away and then he does it.
Now the DCs are a little older he's home in time to put DS to bed, which helps.

I am the breadwinner with a long commute and DP works part time locally and gets up on the night if DD wakes and gets her ready in the morning and does her breakfast. I drop her off on the way to work and do bedtime routine.

I would happily swap places!

Dh is the main wage earner and I'm part-time so I do most of the childcare/home stuff. However he does have to help out sometimes (like when a child is sick, or by coming home early when I have an evening meeting). He does have a nasty habit of assuming that I can just flex my work round his without checking first. Sometimes this is possible, other times I stand my ground and he had to sort out alternative childcare or tell work he can't go wherever it is they want him to go at short notice. He did try grumbling in the early days about his job "being the most important " but I made it clear that his career was mostly important to him and that I was more than happy for him to step up my hours whilst he took something lesser paid but mre flexible abd that we were both responsible for these kids we'd created.

I'm the breadwinner but we share. DH does the drop-off and I collect. We also share sick days but DH is away more often with work. To be honest, I've never thought about it being attached to earnings. Ironically, although I earn double, my work culture and my boss are waaay more flexible so if DD is unwell, I'm trusted to work from home. As long as I get the work done no one cares, whereas DH has to be at work when he's scheduled to be there - but he works one day a week from home.

IMO earnings don't come into it.

DH is the main earner and works long hours, I work part time so I do a lot more of the house stuff and childcare.

If we both worked the same hours it would be different. I can understand you might want to prioritise his job (and earning potential) in terms of drop offs etc, but how does it work when you’re both at home in the evenings? If he’s sitting on his arse while you sort everything out then that’s completely unfair however senior he is.

My DH is the boss so he has the flexibility for more of the childcare. He works from home some days so it’s easy for him to do school runs, I work ft as well but at the moment he is doing more of the school run. He also helps with housework I am very lucky! It wasn’t always like this, he’s improved over the past few years

I am the main earner but self employed so also do all emergency stuff - all school holidays etc. DH does drop offs and pick ups before and after work. It's dependant on availability not income.

DH is the main ‘breadwinner’ however as he is very senior that comes with flexibility and like previous posters DH, he can easily work from home. However if he couldn’t then I would expect to do the lions share of childcare etc.

DH used to work away from home during the week, then switched to leaving home at 5.00am and returning at 7.00pm every evening. (Did a 2 hour commute each way, rather than work away). I did nearly all the childcare/running about because he just wasn't available.

I now work an hour from home - leave home at 7.00am, rarely home til 6.00pm whilst DH is based at home. He does all childcare/running about now.

Agree with those who say it is just who can manage it most easily.

I don’t give a crap if you are the sultan of Brunei once you are at home with your kids you are a parent and should be one

I’m the main earner and In a more senior role, however I have the ability to be more flexible given my line of work. So dp does the drop offs but I do the pick ups from school, emergency sick days, appointments and holiday care as I can work from home if I need to, where as he can’t. I’m in IT so it’s always been that way and I’m lucky that I have the option to do this. However if I asked him to do that, then he is always more than happy to but just usually has to take it as holiday which is why I do most of It.

Who has the most senior job isn't a factor for us. It's whoever can do what on that particular day. Nursery drop offs/pick ups are shared but we take into account commitments , late meetings, early starts etc.
Sick days are dependant on who it would inconvenience least on that particular day.

Just because I earn less doesn't mean my job isn't as important. I would be mightily pissed off if 'i earn more' was used as a reason not to contribute equally to responsibilities

50/50.