To ask how you split parenting duties when one has much more senior job

[stretchmarkqueenie]

DH is the breadwinner but we both work full time, DC in full time childcare as no family support nearby. I do all nursery drop offs/pick ups and the emergency leave when DC are poorly. DH role does require some travel and I totally appreciate I can't expect 50/50 split of parenting duties (for want of a better phrase!), but would like some level of sharing them. AIBU? Should the breadwinner be able to focus solely on work? Keen to learn how others share when one parent is in a much more senior role than the other

I don’t think it’s quite balanced in our house but I’m pretty sure my situation is similar to others.

I am currently working 5 days a week, one day I finish early and do the school run pick up on my early finish, Ds is in Kids club the remaining days and dp picks up on those days as he finishes before me. I do all the drop offs as dp is out of the house at 6am.

Anything to do with school. however, forms needing signing, homework, any communication at all is down to me, including sick days. Mostly though I’m the one at home in the morning when Ds is off sick so I’m the one who has to sort this out and the one who has to take time off or ask grandparents (depending on sickness) I’ve only ever had a couple of occasions when I’ve had to pick up early due to sickness and luckily those were my days off (when I worked 3 days a week).

My husband is the bread winner but because of his seniority he is able to be much more flexible unless travelling.
I am retraining at the moment so contributing nothing but working 12 hour shifts on placement and 12 hour days at uni as commute is 1h45. He is doing the majority at the moment.

This is interesting conundrum. Calling it a senior role makes it sound important and well paid.
So there could be an ironic situation where this means the children get less contact with that parent.
It's a shame. We have lower income family wage, by far.. The last decade has been a struggle, I have been a sahm it's been hard but dh has had to have odd day off when I have not been well. But its been rare.

I am a reviled and detested sahp. My other half does do some parenting around a crazy busy work life with frequent travel, long shifts and urgent calls.
Your dh needs to pull his finger out of his back end.

We try and spit everything as fairly as possible.
DP earns more money than me atm, I don’t plan on it always being that way though and I certainly wouldn’t jeopardise my career by being the only one who looks after sick dc.
That’s said, on a practical note it is often me that has to leave work to pick them up. That’s becuse DP is further away than me, often hours away and sometimes abroad. We try and arrange it so that I pick them up in an emergency and he looks after them the day after or travels home to take over and work from home so that I can go back to work.
I’d be pretty peeved if he didn’t pull his weight with this tbh.

What does more senior mean? My DP earns a bit more than me, but id say my job is more 'senior' in terms of management and that I have line manager responsibilities.
He is more likely to be the one to take days off to wait in for plumbers or go on emergency vet trips etc. (no DC). Partly because he works closer to home, works at a smaller company with a more understanding boss and can more easily work at home if needed as not a job that requires more than a computer.
Housework is pretty evenly shared probably with him doing slightly more as he is a morning person who can get ready for work in less than 10mins so gets a lot done first thing while I walk the dog!

we have 2 modes of operation.

DH based outside of Europe- no shared parenting (this can be for 3 to 5 months in one hit with no visits back home)

DH based in the UK/Europe where he tends to do one or two night in different cities each fortnight, but there is lots of flexibility, so he does more of the days off sick with the kids, takes them to clubs, does the dentists etc as he can work from home and juggle things around.

We find this quite hard. We’re both in professional roles but my husband earns a lot more than me and I’m part time so it is compounded. We could live off just his salary but not mine so there has to be an element of pragmatism about protecting his job when it comes to dealing with emergency childcare and sickness. I tend to have more flex to work from home but he does morning drop offs on my working days so it is him that has to deal with sickness of a morning.

We split equally over a weekend but I probably do more during the week. I also work on my non working days so there is a constant juggle.

dh earns 5-6 times what i do.

i work pt and do one morning with one drop off, another morning with two different schools and the third morning where i get to flounce off with just myself to look after.

exactly same pattern for pick up so at least one day a week i get to stay late and catch up on work. the twp days im at home, i do all the ferrying about to clubs and taking the little one out to stuff.

so very equally really. Plus dh would not be allowed to play the " i earn shit loads more than you so i get to do what i want" card.

should add that we split the sick kid days equally except where dh has a meeting he cant change or is away somewhere.

When we were both teaching full time, we split everything 50/50. I still teach full time and hold a management post as well so my job is hectic. DH gave up teaching and is mostly at home/has flexibility. He does tree work/gardening part time.

So, he does drop off and pick up from preschool as he can work around things so that we don't have to use wrap around care. Thankfully, DS is very rarely ill - think it's almost 2 years since he was off sick but at the moment DH would be with him if needed.

Other stuff like sorting dentist appointments (in school hols), swimming lessons, preschool paperwork etc. Falls to me, otherwise it literally wouldn't happen. I also ensure that I do bath and bed routine at least half the week as I like to do it when I can and feel it should be shared.

Overall, though out dynamic has changed, I'd say we still split things roughly 50/50.

No, what you earn is not the priority when it comes to parenting.

DD earns around 3-4x more than I do. But, he works from home and even at this office work days he had a lot more flexiblity than I had with 9-5 office job. He also did most of doctor appointments or school events when they fell on my workdays (I work p/t).

He also does the driving duty for holiday clubs as they are less flexible than the childminder we use for before/after school.

Day-to-Day parenting we share in "who has time". We both drop off/collect from clubs and activities.

The only thing I am virtually wholly responsible for is buying clothing for DD.

Just because you earn more doesn't mean you can cut down on parenting, that are two different things in my opinion.

Imho it depends entirely on how flexible your work is and what is allowed....

We do 50:50 regardless of our jobs. Obviously if one person has a vital meeting or whatever then we would take that into account of course, but they'd step up the next time.