To ask how you split parenting duties when one has much more senior job

[stretchmarkqueenie]

DH is the breadwinner but we both work full time, DC in full time childcare as no family support nearby. I do all nursery drop offs/pick ups and the emergency leave when DC are poorly. DH role does require some travel and I totally appreciate I can't expect 50/50 split of parenting duties (for want of a better phrase!), but would like some level of sharing them. AIBU? Should the breadwinner be able to focus solely on work? Keen to learn how others share when one parent is in a much more senior role than the other

It totally depends on the job not the money earned.

It’s strange defining yourself worth by how much you earn.

Ours was less to do with seniority and more about flexibility too. When DC1 was at nursery DH would drop off on his way to the station and I would collect and do sick days as can work from home and office is also closer. When we moved, I did all the collections/drop offs as I found nursery places on the way to work, I also reduced my hours around School pick up/drop off so i do everything now. When I go away with work, I draft in DM to help. I think DH gets put out but seeing as he comes home at 9pm I have to arrange it to suit myself and DCs.
I’m not sure who is the most senior, I’d say I am, but DH earns significantly more from working in London.

In a more senior role I found it easier to be flexible and cover sicknesses etc.

But sometimes DH would have a blind spot (he’s also in a senior role) and expect me to cover until I told him otherwise.

My oh is the bread winner but I work 4 days over 5, I do expect him to do 50/50 of emergency care unless he is abroad. It was never planned to be so uneven on earnings, just the industries we are in, but I expect him to pull his wait so I cannot take the piss with my employer

Weight - bloody grammar

I'm really uncomfortable with the phrase "the breadwinner" to describe the person who earns more. Everyone who works is a breadwinner to me. We all put food on the table. But that's just semantics.

We try never to make decisions based on who earns more. We shared nursery pickups - he dropped off and started work late, I started work early and left to pick DC up. Now they're in school I've flexed my work round the school run but DH does 2 drop offs a week and the odd extra one, and is always home for bedtime. He could easily have said it wasn't possible as it hadn't been done before in his office, but he just gave it a go. He said there were some raised eyebrows, but they got over it once he proved he could still do the job with the odd 9.45 start. There are also raised eyebrows if he takes time off with sick children, but he just does it anyway and makes sure work doesn't suffer.

Possibly he earns less than he would do if he'd always prioritised work over drop offs and being home for bedtime, but as a unit we are supporting each other and the children benefit by seeing us both.

The thing is though, we both have (salaried) jobs and we both have a commitment to our employers. Him earning more than me doesn't reduce my obligation to my employer. We both have children, we both need to juggle the demands of our children with the demands of our employers. Assuming as a family you want to stay a 2 income family, you need to share the load so you can BOTH do your jobs to the best of your ability. Of course sometimes one party's job is genuinely not flexible, but DH's experience is that it's got broader easier with seniority. It's not easy, it's a constant juggle.

oops, sorry for the massive post!

Disagree it's about flexibility. That would mean that one person always has to flex, and that's not fair either.

I think if one person's career is being prioritised, you both have to agree to it and to go into it with clear goals. He can't just assume that because he's more senior, he's entitled to do less than you (or nothing!).

I'm the higher earner but have more flexibility. Often I can WFH and it doesn't matter whether I do the work between 9-5 or between DH getting home and when I collapse into bed as long as it gets done, but if I have to be out, I have to be out unless there's an A&E-level emergency. DH works 8.30-5 in an office without the option to WFH. He drops off, I pick up most afternoons, and if DD is ill, we rely heavily on grandparents if I can't stay at home with her. He will take time off if necessary, but usually it falls to me to have her or explore all other options first. If she threw up at nursery and I was 2 hours away without access to my phone, he'd pick her up and his boss would be fine with it. We are very lucky and I don't know how people manage without flexibility and support.

I'm very much shuffling along, though. I'd have to put in a lot more hours to progress, and at this stage of my life all I can do is keep my hand in and my options open for the future.

My previous bosses boss (European supply chain manager) and the next boss up (global supply chain director) are both parents (one male, one female) and both take a very active part in their children’s lives/parenting duties. Granted they are restricted when they are travelling, but they promote and lead by example a culture of using video calls (from home), work life balance and I’ve seen them regularly leave to pick up dc, take dc to dentist, activities etc and then pick up emails etc later.

If you are senior you have more autonomy to work flexibily and encourage others to do the same, if you want to....

I'm the main earner and in a senior full time but flexible role; DH is a freelance consultant who works from home so has the most flexibility. We have no nearby family support and DS takes a shuttle to school every morning.

DH does all the school pickups as a default, also if DS needs to be picked up due to illness etc. He's also the one who monitors and replies to school communications, for example if there's a game that means DS needs picking up at a different time or signing DS up for the next term's morning shuttle. It's taken a while for us to 'train' school, clubs and cubs to contact DH and not me if DS needs to be picked up early, for some reason the default is Mum first.

If needed I can pick up DS, or once in a while get him after a play date if close to my office. I take DS to a regular Saturday activity, and we split taking DS to birthday parties evenly.

As I tend to have work meetings in the afternoon or early evening, DH and I have agreed to this 10 me/90 him split with pickups. Cooking and buying groceries is 20 me/80 him. He does all the laundry, I only help with folding. I take care of the cat with DS on kitty litter duty

Starting off point for me got to be 50/50
I always make it clear to my staff if there kids are ill I expect them to split time off with the DC s father
Some people seem really confused by this

You're BOTH the "breadwinner" (awful phrase) You both work. You both earn.

He earns more but that doesn't mean your contribution is worth less in terms of effort.

I would pay for a cleaner and some childcare help at home.

Nothing to do with "seniority". Everything to do with co-parenting, respecting what the other parent does, and being flexible.
Over the years, we've done 101 different combinations of parenting.

Can one of you drop off while the other gets an early start, and the other do the collection whilst the 'dropper-offerer' stays a bit later at work ? Surely you look at who is doing what on the 'emergency care' days and see who can most easily work around it on that day.
One person earning more that the other doesn't mean they don't do any parenting . In fact, in some jobs it is easier for a more senior person to be a bit more flexible with their hours, or to work at home. Plus of course, 'more senior' doesn't necessarily mean 'paid more' - that will depend on your line of work.
some jbs mean it is easier to work from home occasionally whereas others would be impossible. Some jobs mean you would let down a whole heap of other people if you aren't there, whereas others just mean you do the work the next day.
There have been years when one has done a lot more than the other and years when it was even and years when it was the other way round.
The important things are the mindset - establishing from the beginning that nothing is 'automatically' the role of one of you and it is not impossible for either of you to pick up the parenting side, and the fact that both your jobs are important, however much more one is paid.

Hmmmm.

How will you ever earn as much as him when you are picking up ALL the slack at home?

If you both woke FT, then you both need to contribute to childcare and the running around. You must feel run ragged having to do it all.

My ex was like this - his job was so much more important than mine. Funnily enough, now that we’re divorced, he is actually capable of organising school drop offs and pick ups since I am no longer there to do it for him.

If he is travelling, IME that means he should have flexibility to do some of the school/nursery runs when he is at home as a quid pro quo. If he hasn’t got it - it’s becuase he’s not asking.

Good post, BackForGood.

• I always make it clear to my staff if there kids are ill I expect them to split time off with the DC s father Some people seem really confused by this *

I don't think that look they're giving you is confusion. Assess your staff on their own performance, then nose out.

DH is more 'senior' and earns more than me but I still work full time in an important job and we are both DD's parents!

Night wakings are shared, although since I have been pregnant DH has done them all as I am feeling awful and need sleep. We have a calendar for drop off and pick up. Admittedly I do much more of this because my job is local but he still does his bit and will pick ip the slack in other ways: he does the food shopping on his way home instead, etc.
Weekend activities (swimming lessons) are split depending on who needs to do what that day.

It works out if we are kind to each other. For example, he is having a stressful couple of weeks at the moment and I have done all drop offs and pick ups (even bought his means me then working in the evenings) so that he can just focus on getting through it without worrying about DD and me. About a month ago we went on holiday and he got up every morning with DD first, took her for a walk and an ice cream so that I could nap in the afternoon, etc.

Give and take and working as a team is the only way! But to be 100% honest, I worked very hard to establish this mindset from the very beginning. It came as quite a surprise that we both expected me to be the default when DD was sick at the beginning. Unbelievable how deeply ingrained the steeeotypes are when that baby is born!

Starting off point for me got to be 50/50
I always make it clear to my staff if there kids are ill I expect them to split time off with the DC s father
Some people seem really confused by this smile

Yeah. They are not confused. They think you are an interfering so and so, who should keep your nose out and know your place.

Agree with everyone but also, if you don’t share finances then ‘I earn more’ being more important is actually just enabling the higher earners self centredness and savings pot while penalising you for looking after children.

Looking at it from a salary point of view is ridiculous, much fairer to work on actual hours worked. So if one is homer more, they naturally do more.

Most days we work roughly the same but for projects travel etc the other person picks up the household jobs etc as the are home regardless of sex or salary.

Your opinion Becksy but that's the way it works for my employees

It’s usually me - but I work less than a mile from home, can work from home and enjoy a high amount of flexibility. DH commutes to London and does a lot of client meetings. That said, if a child’s been sick in the night, once we’ve sorted him out, we’ll talk about who’s staying home. It’s never an absolute given that it’s me and I really appreciate that.

DH is the highest earner and I work part time so I deal with most of the children stuff and the house; he is always happy to help but sometimes has important meetings so we work around that and I if I need him to pick up the children one day I ask him how his agenda is; he has the best intentions but can't always do it and since I only work part time and he earns 6 times more than me I don't mind. It work for us