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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I love a stranger?

117 replies

Pecanpickles · 20/03/2018 20:31

Okay so not a total stranger.
16 years ago when I was a fresher in university I was in the fencing club, and I took a real shine to this guy. I was very timid and immature and, tbf rather silly. We sent on a few ‘socials’ but I determinedly ignored him (how stupid was I?!) in fact if he thought about me at all, he probably thought I was nuts. I probably WAS a bit nuts.

Anyway. The shit hit the fan in my family in my 2nd year of uni and I took time out of university. I went back eventually and only ever saw lovely fencing guy one more time. I bumped into him in a pub...
and he said hi.
That was it.

For the first couple of years after uni I looked him on facebook occasionally (we weren’t facebook friends, but at the time Facebook was more open) and saw that he had moved to Australia and was engaged to be married. (To a very beautiful woman who looks nothing like me!) After that I put him out of my mind.

Fast forward to today. I was have been reminiscing with an old uni friend and I ended up googling him to see what he is up to. Fully expected him to have kids and be living it ip in Oz. Turns up he’s back in the UK, and his facebook profile and cover pictures are of him, male friends and landscapes. His feature photos are all him and various mates... no obvious sign of wife or family? At risk of sounding like a stalkery nutter, is it unreasonable to think that if he was married he would have at least one picture of her public on his facebook?!!

I’ve spent the evening being proper nosy and he is such an amazing man!! He still looks gorgeous and even better for being older. He is talented, he is kind, I just look at his face and I just... 😍
I really want to know if he is married, and if not I want to meet him again! But he lives literally the other end of England. I can’t possibly message him without seeming super creepy, can I?! Especially as if he remembers me at all, it’s as a (very) random weirdo 18year-old-going-on-12!!

The worst part is I kind of want to go on holiday to where he lives to see if I can bump into him... would that be actual proper stalking?!

Help Mumsnet, is there anything I can do?! It sounds insane but he was my ‘one who got away’ and now I can’t stop feeling that he really might be he one for me! AIBU and utterly ridiculous and sad, or..??

OP posts:
dingdongdigeridoo · 20/03/2018 21:02

Oh god, don't turn up in his town.

Add to Facebook, tell him you were speaking to mutual friend and you were reminiscing. Be casual and ask what he's up to, or mention a memory. But play it by ear, if he doesn't seem interested in chatting, don't harass him.

ClashCityRocker · 20/03/2018 21:02

Message him - but be realistic about your expectations.

You sing his praises, but you don't actually know him and are maybe projecting your fantasies on him when there is no real basis to this in reality, other than a wee stalk of his Facebook and a some memories from uni?

Still, nothing ventured nothing gained. But remember to keep your eyes open and try and retain some common sense and perspective (I've been there.....)

gingergenius · 20/03/2018 21:03

I'm only following now because I want to see what happens. You're a bit over-invested op and perhaps need to get out more, but go for it anyway! Who knows?

TakeMe2Insanity · 20/03/2018 21:03

Just send him a message. Say he popped up on your feed (join uni fb page). Ask normal catch up questions. You’ll get answers.

Btw I can totally relate except I did message (he turned up on a major news story and it stirred up my inner 19 year old self at 29. - he was married with a child) and it was good to move on. I met my husband soon afterwards.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 20/03/2018 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBrilliantMistake · 20/03/2018 21:06

By your own admission, you hardly know him, but you're projected all sort of assumptions about him being wonderful. He may well be, but you can't know this from memory or Facebook.

There's no hard in messaging him, see if he remembers you etc, but this has many hallmarks of many mid-life type episodes when people romanticise a past boyfriend or acquaintance and they see it all through rose tinted glasses, let alone subconsciously imagine they'll be jettisoned back to their youth and everything will be better than the first time around.

I guess it's a process you're just going to have to go through...

demirose87 · 20/03/2018 21:08

I wouldn't message him. He'll think you're weird and probably won't remember you. You need to get over it because you seem obsessed with him and it isn't healthy.

Lalliella · 20/03/2018 21:08

Go for it OP. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You’ll always be wondering otherwise. If it works out you can sell the movie rights. If not then you’re no worse off. I love Hugh Jackman by the way and this thread is inspiring me to pop over to Australia!

Fairenuff · 20/03/2018 21:10

This is a crush. You don't know him at all. You are being weird and obsessive about him. If this was a man posting about a woman he would probably be told to back off.

Anyway, my first thought from your description is that he is maybe in a same sex relationship.

WonderLime · 20/03/2018 21:11

Honestly, I would just message him. It may well amount to nothing, but then you'll still be in a better position now because you still least tried.

Go for it!

Freetodowhatiwant · 20/03/2018 21:11

Message him, you have nothing to lose. The only thing is he might not see your message if it goes into the other inbox or whatever it is called. But do it anyway, if he doesn't get back to you you have lost nothing. Make sure you tell us what happens though!

Ryder63 · 20/03/2018 21:12

This is like having a crush on a celebrity. You don't actually know him, but are projecting your fantasies onto him.

Having said that - befriend him and take it from there. Just be cool!

Moneyissue2 · 20/03/2018 21:12

Message him very soon please, and let us know his response! Grin

Jonathancreek · 20/03/2018 21:15

If you've been looking at his profile you'll pop up on his 'people you may know' section.

Lalliella · 20/03/2018 21:15

Do it now OP!

RidingWindhorses · 20/03/2018 21:15

It all sounds very immature.

misscockerspaniel · 20/03/2018 21:16

What have you got to lose? Nothing. Just do it.

Original poster
Pecanpickles · 20/03/2018 21:19

Oooh @Jonathancreek does it really work that way??

If I message I will tell you! But I haven’t plucked up the courage tonight. I think I’ll sleep on it .

OP posts:
witchofzog · 20/03/2018 21:20

It's an infatuation but at the same time you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Send the request Smile

Original poster
Pecanpickles · 20/03/2018 21:20

@ridingeindhourses I thought that myself!!! Have I really grown up since I was 18?!! Perhaps not as much as I would have liked!

OP posts:
Kitsharrington · 20/03/2018 21:22

If you've been looking at his profile you'll pop up on his 'people you may know' section.

That’s not true.

Pannacott · 20/03/2018 21:26

Yep - people are right about possible limerance.

However, friending might lead to info that helps you move on either way. In a way, that vacuum of information, tied to your 18 year old perspective, is more of a breeding ground for a fertile imagination. So yes, friend him.

TheGruffalosArse · 20/03/2018 21:26

Have you added him as a friend yet? Just add him what have you got to lose except a fantasy

HolyGoats · 20/03/2018 21:27

kitsharrington I know FB officially says it isn’t but some drunken research by my mates and I proved it’s definitely true.

Op have you watched Crazy Ex Girlfriend?

Heartofglass12345 · 20/03/2018 21:29

Please do it, what have you got to lose?? If you went to the same uni, Facebook might have suggested him to you that way Wink make sure the uni is named on his profile first though lol