To enjoy the 'housewife' role?

[StylishMummy]

I will start this by saying I am passionate about the end of the gender pay gap, freedom for girls/women to pursue whichever career they desire and the end of misogynistic culture that has held the UK for so long.

BUT

I feel like I'm betraying these values, DH & I have DD1 at home and I'm on mat leave with DD2 who's currently in NICU. I usually work full time but nothing particularly taxing. This morning after expressing, I made DH a coffee in a travel mug, put him a lunch together and literally waved him off at the door calling 'have a good day' in my dressing gown. I've then spent an hour cleaning and generally tidying before DD wakes up. I've finally sat with a coffee and realised how much joy this brings me. Everyday I enjoy making dinner and seeing my little family enjoy it. I love my little house & take pride in having a nice place to live. I like to try and make an effort with my appearance.

This has all got me very concerned that I'm going to be sending mixed messages to my DDs. I want them growing up doing whatever they want to do, but if their Mum is so content just being a 'housewife', then isn't that going to dampen their self expectations? I'm so confused! This may be a total non-issue but I'm so sleep deprived it's actually a real worry.

Can I enjoy this life where I don't set the world on fire, without instilling traditional gender roles in DDs?

I’m over a decade in, on the face of it a very 1950’s set up at home. But I can honestly say I’m far more contented than I was pursuing a City career

It has resulted in some interesting conversations with my teens about gender roles, especially as they see other families where the Father contributes more domestically. My response is that this arrangement works for us, both logistically and in terms of “enjoyment” (if that’s the word) - my DH has absolutely no interest or skill in cooking for example so it’s very much a painful chore rather than the positive pleasure I take out of it. I’m no downtrodden Stepford/surrendered wife but have made a choice. As PP have said, for me the whole feminist movement has been about making sure everyone has equality of choice and opportunity.

Having said all that I’ve always done some volunteering in various roles as being alone at home all day when children started at school was not for me.

YANBU I used to love this too, you're also going through a lot and there's no point worrying about this if you're happy
I love working part time now though because it's like the best of both worlds for me!!

If you enjoy it then do it.

I think you're very lucky that everything is so calm and sorted. I have a two yr old DD who is up at 5am every day, fights to go to bed before 9pm and is up several times a night :( also have a baby.

But, don't lose sight of the reality that things can change very quickly so keep workplace skills up to date etc.

It's all well and good when things are going well BUT when the crap hits the fan if you r sick etc as long as your dh can step up and do all the cooking, cleaning.

Mil was the same she enjoyed being a housewife until now she doesnt but her husband now can't even make his own sandwich after 40 years of her making all the meals, doing all the housework. He's retired and she's gone back to work and still she has to do all the housework.

The problem is that the job of “housewife” or whatever you want to call it isn’t seen as a valid choice in this country.
IF its what you choose and has a supportive OH who is happy to be the onjy breadwinner then why not?
My generation were pushed to be career women and told we could do it all and have it all but for a lot of us it’s not true - or maybe we just don’t want it all.
I suppose it’s easy for me because I did have a successful career and know I could go back to it ( been offered jobs) but I’m happy doing the odd day of Consulting but mostly being a sahm with School age dc
If DH had a different attitude and questioned my spending or expected his tea on the table etc etc it might be different but it works for us

I was and still am a ‘housewife’ OP and my DD is turning into quite the high flyer I’m really proud of her and tbh I think my contentment with home life probably led her to wanting a bit more out of life. Just do what makes you happy.

The feminism thing is about equal choice as well as equal pay, work, career etc.

I was working after uni until we had dd1 but our Forces lifestyle meant I couldn’t go back to my role after we were posted. Dd1 is now 16 and DS is 13 and I’ve worked part time waitressing more recently and had to give up a midwifery degree due to needing to be here for my ASD DS so I’ve been kind of forced into being a SAHM again.

I do love it though. I worry that when DS is older I will have been out of the workplace for too long but I’m sure I can go back to an admin type role or TA in school type thing if not.

You must do what you feel is right for you OP.
Explaining to you’re kids that they have a choice in life is the important thing.

I was brought up to believe that women should study, travel and climb as far as they wish their profession.
I did these things and then we had DC. Both DH and I shared both roles (work/family life) and we were miserable.
it was unbelievably stressful and no matter how much money we threw at childcare, cleaners, gardeners etc. We were both knackered.
So. I now work (very) part time and do all the house work, cooking, shopping, cleaning and the vast majority of childcare whilst he goes to work F/T.
Our lives now are good compared to when we were both juggling home life /work. The only guilt I have is that his role as the working parent is still far more stressful than mine.
I'm obviously all for the 'housewife role'. After being a 'working' Mum for years, my life now is a breeze compared to when I was at work F/T too.

@StylishMummy

YANBU at ALL!

I have been a full time SAHM, a part-time working mum, and a full-time working mum, and without a shadow of a doubt, I love being a full time SAHM the most. It's just such a lovely life.

It's also nonsense that your children will see you staying at home and have no motivation to do any career. I know a number of women who have been SAHMs for many years, and their children - sons AND daughters - went on to uni and successful careers.

Like a few others on here, I had a successful, professional, well-paid job for over 2 decades, but with that job went stress, and a lot of it. The higher I got the worse it was. So at 40, I decided to quit work and be a SAHM. My kids were 7 and 10 then!

I am not bashing working mums - at ALL, but I have to say that one the best days in the lives of my 2 daughters was when I gave up work. They LOVED me being there for them all the time, and not seeing a childminder's face more than mine all week!

I do hear this old chestnut on here all the time, about how you are 'vulnerable' as a SAHM as you could struggle financially if your husband leave you when you're 45 or so. But I don't think a SAHM will be any more 'vulnerable' than one who has worked all through having children. It's not 1950, and women are no worse off after a marriage break up when they haven't had a job for 20 years, than they are if they stayed in work.

You will STILL be financially vulnerable if your marriage breaks down, even if you carry on working. Trust me, you will....

The only bitchy and negative comments I have had, are from women who are jealous, and wish they could give up work too.

Hoppinggreen, your set up sounds good, but it would be interesting to know what percentage of women working part-time benefit from the flexibility of a professional consultancy role. Too many women working part-time work below their skill level on poor salaries and are not building up the pensions they will need for their future.

I enjoy it too. My husband is a very rewarding man to 'serve'. Very appreciative of coffee, packed lunches, cooking, a clean home etc. He works long hours and I'm part time (after an extended mat leave) and I still enjoy looking after him. Taking his coat, opening a beer for him, having a meal ready, his slippers and clean clothes ready etc. It's sort of automatic now. I think once you're in the role of caring for small children you do the same for your OH. I just have to remind myself not to cut up his food!

Each to his own. Im currently on mat leave and HATE the feeling of being on mat leave. I clean as much as I can when ds is asleep but my main job is looking after baby. An important part of this is engaging with him and making sure he gets fresh air. This and feeds changing doesnt leave much time for cleanin and I dont give a poop. My dh cleans his share. I do a little more but im not a housewife. To be fair I think this is from my mum who was a housewife and the lack of respect my dad giving her. Even though I know this was my dads general dickness. Im lucky my mil and fil share house tasks and so dh doesnt have the attitude of some men.

Hate feeling of being housewife not mat leave.

I don't have kids but one of the only compelling reasons I can see to have one is to get a year off on maternity.

I would love not to work, really and truly not interested in it at all and think I could be quite happy at home.

Yanbu. However, please bear in mind, for a lot of women being a housewife can subconsciously be enforced by men who abide by the rules of patriarchy. Thus, it can put most women in a vulnerable position, especially financially.

With that being said, I can see its appeal, being a part time working mum who was previously a sahm. I now feel I have a balance between the two, time for both. Perhaps this might be an option for you, OP?

Eatalot yes respect has a lot to do with it. I enjoy staying home but my dh doesn’t take advantage, helps out around the house if needs be and cooks too at the weekend. His stance is me being home makes his job that he really enjoys easier for all of us. If he doesn’t leave the office until 8pm he doesn’t come home to find me stressed because I’ve got in from work and had to start dinner alone, although if we’ve had dinner and it was a simple one then he’ll chuck an omelette in the pan himself. It works for us and that’s all that matters.

Enjoy this moment in your life, stop angsting yourself over could've, should've. Sounds v nice and I'm sure the rest of the family are enjoying it too!

I do hear this old chestnut on here all the time, about how you are 'vulnerable' as a SAHM as you could struggle financially if your husband leave you when you're 45 or so. But I don't think a SAHM will be any more 'vulnerable' than one who has worked all through having children. It's not 1950, and women are no worse off after a marriage break up when they haven't had a job for 20 years, than they are if they stayed in work.

I am all for women and men working how they like, but I really disagree with this. Go over to the Relationships board, there are plenty of women over there who are financially trapped, having worked either very part-time or not at all, some not married and simply cannot imagine how financially they can get out of their marriages and maintain an ok standard of living for their children who they want to put first.

If you quit after 20 years, it's very likely you can get back in. If you never really have a career, fall into the SAHP role and stick at it for 15 years, you may well be almost unemployable, or at least, your chance of getting a really well paid fully self-supporting wage is nil

I am totally self-supporting which is just as well as my husband is now unable to work. There's no point in pretending that would have been possible had I not recommitted to work when the children were small (though I did take 2/3 years out when they were tiny).

I believe in everyone's eyes being wide open and if you are wealthy already, and have 20 years behind you of a career, it is not the same situation as the majority of women who are in SAH roles. If you are wealthy, you can get good life/critical illness cover, pension for the SAHP and so on. Most people are not that wealthy and so their choices are less favourable if they split or the main wage earner becomes incapacitated or loses their job (which is very common, it's not just divorces that strain finances in the middle years).

You arent sending mixed messages if the message that you want to send is 'Do what makes you feel fulfilled and happy'
If the message you want to send is 'going to university and having a career is more important than anything else' then perhaps you are... because clearly its not true if what is really making you happy is caring for your children and not your career.

Its about choice. Different people find joy and satisfaction in different things. That includes men. And childcare is a very important job, so is taking care of a house and everything that goes with that. I think its actually quite anti feminist to deny the importance of those jobs.... surely we should be working towards a society where those jobs are given the respect they are due even if whomever is doing them is not being paid directly.....so that men and women who want to take on that role feel supported in doing so? Because at the end of the day SOMEONE has to do that work..... and you either do it yourself between you in a couple or you pay a stranger. I dont see why paying a stranger is any more worthy of respect than doing it yourself or your partner doing it, because you want to and enjoy it?
Why is worth determined by making money and not what you are actually contributing to society or how happy and contented you are?

I’m currently coming to the end of a year’s maternity leave with my first DC. Pre-baby was very career driven. Now I’m only going back one day a week. I love being at home with DD and the dog!

Im a SAHM and I do sometimes struggle because it feels sometimes as though you are the lowest of the low. You are doing work that people dont really acknowledge but they would notice if it wasnt done so you still are under pressure to do it to a high standard. You dont get paid, people dont notice you doing it and act like you are just unemployed even though if you werent doing it someone else would be actively employed to do it.

Its very strange and demoralising sometimes. I hope my daughter does not feel demoralised if that is what she chooses to do when she grows up.

It often feels like all this work is completely invisible or at least ignored.
Its not like having a career where you interact with adults and can get respect and praise and feel like you are part of a team... also get financially rewarded. Its you on your own with children and a house and no one is saying 'thanks for doing all the hoovering and sorting out all the food and bathing and reading to the kids etc etc' because there is no one else there during the day. It would be noticed if you hadnt been doing these things, but the actual doing of them seems invisible.

Reading your first post explains a lot of the gender pay gap.

I have an ambitious friend who reassessed her life after children. She has a good career but because she took on part time and fixed term contract roles at lower pay levels level during their childhood she will have contributed to the gender pay gap!

She has had a good balance in her own opinion.

Live your own life and don't swallow propaganda such as the gender pay gap without looking into the counter argument s. Or to save precious time just ignore it in the first place.

I had to go back to work when eldest dd was 14 weeks old ( this was 1994 , so limited maternity leave) ....however when I had dd2 it was too expensive for childcare, so I became a sahm. I loved it and did so many lovely things with the dcs.
Unfortunately dh had a major breakdown when dd2 was 18 months and he had to give up work. ( fortunately he had critical illness cover , otherwise we would have really suffered)
I then had to do return to work course, when dcs went to school, to allow me to return to work to support the family whilst my dh recovered and retrained
Although I resented having to return to work initially, I'm so glad I did . I've now been back in work for 15 yrs and love the work I do and my dcs can see that their mum is well respected and does an important job...and just as importantly I have a decent salary and a pension!
I'm glad I had the chance to be a sahm ...enjoy the time with your dcs...you only have 1 chance at looking after them when they're young

I’m with you I want to leave work ASAP & have time to make my house & myself nice & cook things from scratch.

Well I work part time - over long days .
I love my days at work as enjoy my job but also love the days I get to be at home with my son just focusing on home / parenting it's not wrong to enjoy been a mum . Single mum here tho so can't relate to the wife aspect