To enjoy the 'housewife' role?

[StylishMummy]

I will start this by saying I am passionate about the end of the gender pay gap, freedom for girls/women to pursue whichever career they desire and the end of misogynistic culture that has held the UK for so long.

BUT

I feel like I'm betraying these values, DH & I have DD1 at home and I'm on mat leave with DD2 who's currently in NICU. I usually work full time but nothing particularly taxing. This morning after expressing, I made DH a coffee in a travel mug, put him a lunch together and literally waved him off at the door calling 'have a good day' in my dressing gown. I've then spent an hour cleaning and generally tidying before DD wakes up. I've finally sat with a coffee and realised how much joy this brings me. Everyday I enjoy making dinner and seeing my little family enjoy it. I love my little house & take pride in having a nice place to live. I like to try and make an effort with my appearance.

This has all got me very concerned that I'm going to be sending mixed messages to my DDs. I want them growing up doing whatever they want to do, but if their Mum is so content just being a 'housewife', then isn't that going to dampen their self expectations? I'm so confused! This may be a total non-issue but I'm so sleep deprived it's actually a real worry.

Can I enjoy this life where I don't set the world on fire, without instilling traditional gender roles in DDs?

If it makes you happy, do it. I was academic at school. It horrified people when they asked what I wanted to do afterwards and I had no ideas. I always wanted to stay at home. Make sure you don't back yourself into a corner with career options, though. Should you be obliged to go back for any reason later on, it will help if you've done voluntary work or 8hrs a week in a shop. And, as someone who has had periods of not working, much as I love my home, it is good to be out in the world on occasion, you may miss that more than you think in the long run.

I hope your newborn in intensive care is making good progress.

In the long term - not now, you are on maternity leave - I do think what you do (both you and your partner) counts for more than what you say. I also think your moniker and the language you use, "nothing particularly taxing", "just being a housewife", "little house" and "little family" reinforces quite negative stereotypes. Would your DH say he doesn't do a taxing job and enjoys just being a whatever he does.

for morningconstitutional.

I think her very moving message makes a serious point - what happens if something awful occurs to your little family? Will you be vulnerable then?

I don't think you have to make one choice for all time. If you are enjoying this right now, maybe do that for a bit - but you can also work for periods too, or work part-time which will be a kind of insurance policy, as well as sending a message about gender to the kids!

I've just resigned from a very well paid and massively stressful job to go back to study this Autumn

I am absolutely loving time for myself, being able to meal plan and shop, having the house organised and planning nice things to do with DD over the summer before she starts school.

I have been working my arse off (60+ hours/week & lots of travel) for 20 years now and I'm tired.... I don't care about work any more - there's a great thread running about this right now.

Have done an online course on kid's nutrition. Have started one on poetry - all just to keep myself busy and I'm able to take DD to a few classes during the week too.

My DH still does tonnes of stuff around the house (though I'm picking up more than him, which is fair right now) and we take turns to cook/do bedtime, so on the contrary; I think I'm modelling better behaviour than being so beholden to work that family and friends and life in general was passing me by.

I'm going to volunteer 1.5 days a week from April to September too and I'm so excited about it..... able to give something back for once.

and for the wee lady.... it must be so hard seeing her in SCBU.
Glad you have support.

Aw OP! Well congratulations on DD2 and I hope she's out and home very soon.

As Pps have said - it's all about choice.

It sounds like you are keeping everything calm and balanced, and that's a great framework when you are having to cope with a LO in scbu.
best of luck for when she comes home!

@whiskyowl I do have a job, I used to earn more than DH, but chose to find a less intense role. I will be going back to this but 'school' hours only so DDs will only see my 'home' role.

In terms of finances we're lucky DH brings in enough for a comfortable life but we don't have extravagant holidays, car is a standard family wagon, no finance. No debt & life insurance & critical illness is in place for us both. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

I do a lot more at home than DH but this is by my choice. The concern is they see Mum always cooks, does the cleaning and likes looking feminine. But you're all right in the point that it's about choice, maybe it's a non issue

I have been at home for nearly 14 years now and still love it! It is a drudge at times but on the whole it’s great. I am free to help others, take to hospital, run errands, help at school etc, as well as doing the bulk of housework whilst family are out.

Saying that, dc have to help at home and carry out chores and cooking so they will be self sufficient when they leave.

I run a business with dh though so I do work, but only at home and only hours I like really. He goes out to work and I do all the paperwork.

Occasionally I do think of going back into outside work but dread not having the school holidays off as I really enjoy being with dc and not ready to give that up.

I was a nurse prior to dc and we have instilled in them a strong work ethic and they see us running the business together, even if they do not see me going out to work as such.

I probably haven’t explained myself very well as tend to get defensive on this subject but basically you need to do what makes you and your own family happy and thriving. As long as all bills can be paid and everyone has their needs met then it’s all good...

It's all about being able to have the choice.

I was career orientated, had my second DC, took a career break. For the first few years I felt very satisfied at home, but soon the yearning to return to my career appeared. By this point we had DC3 and I knew I wanted DC4 too.

Childcare costs meant I ended up being a SAHM for about twice as long as intended until the cost of childcare came under my salary as we couldn't afford it otherwise. So that wasn't a choice to be a SAHM, then. And so I resented it. And there are plenty of mothers who work who don't have a choice either and need to keep working.

I'm back at work now and have been for a few years. That's a genuine choice now.

One of the worries as mentioned about being SAHM is the loss of financial independence, and I don't just mean at the time - I mean longer term, as in pension, what if something happens to the earner, or if the relationship breaks down. The "power" there needs to be equal even if only one person is earning.

I think we sometimes over-egg the importance of showing girls what they can do, at the expense of showing them how important happiness is. A lot of the time, we show them that it’s perfectly possible to have a career, and care for children and do everything else, but at the same time, we are tired, stressed and not the patient, appreciative being we should be. I know some women enjoy, and thrive on being everything, but I think we need to show girls (& boys), that they also need to strive for happiness.

There's nothing wrong with being a housewife! That's a decision you have made on the basis that you enjoy it and it works for you. You'll still teach your daughters to know that they can choose the career or make the life choices they want to without their gender being relevant, so it's all good!

The problem that many people see with women who are housewives is that they are in that role because they have to be, not because they want to be. Maybe because childcare is too expensive or because they have primary care responsibilities for children and their careers are sacrificed for it. It's still much more likely to be women who do these things than men. But that isn't the case for you and I think if you're raising your children to be conscientious and aware of these issues you're not remotely setting a bad example!

It is all about choice, and what suits you all. We are in a similar set up to you I think. We earn enough through the business to be comfortable, but not extravagant.

Our dc are teenagers now and we do have a jobs rota that we all follow and everyone has to cook once a week. These are all life skills that I believe are important and I should not be doing it all just because I am at home.

Some people love domestic life and making a lovely home- I haven't found this differs from those who work full-time (and still have a lovely home) and those who stay home (not all of whom have a lovely home). Some people like cooking and nurturing and making a nice home. I'm not one of these people but I admire it in those who do love it. Why are you fretting about creating a nice environment for your children?

I don't think there is anything wrong with enjoying the housewife role so long as you make it clear that your DDs have a choice to do that or do something else. As they get older, keep the conversation going about choice, about the career you had, about your choice to look after them rather than pursue it, about your job choices etc.

Make it clear to them that you choose to take on the entire burden of housework and cooking but that it is also fine for partners to do this too, and that sometimes men could be the ones who stay at home and take care of the house as househusbands.

Make it equally clear that childcare is the responsibility of both parents.

And then your DDs will grow up knowing that, whatever they choose, it is their choice and it will be fine with you.

Equimum, I think if men stepped up to the plate regarding the caring role (childcare, elderly care etc.) and unpaid work (sometimes referred to in part as wifework / mental load), both men and women could live happier, more balanced lives and we would have stronger families and communities. I don't think maintaining your career / job means you can have it all (something does give) but it shouldn't mean women run around trying to do it all.

Trooperslane2

Where do you find the courses? My Mat leave coincides with the summer hols (I work term time) and dp wants to save all annual leave so no holidays and I'm gonna go mad with boredom.

Until recently, I have always absolutely loved my job. Recently, I’ve started to think that really, I’d rather be at home to collect my daughter from school at the end of the school day, instead of at 5.30, having dropped her off at 7.30. I’d rather walk the dog, keep the house nice and sort out the garden. I’m not a huge fan of housework but I would love the head space and freedom from the endless nagging stress of teaching.

Trouble is, I like the money!

If you are happy, can afford it and don’t feel like an indentured servant (which I probably would after a while) then enjoy it, OP.

But whatever else you do, make sure that they understand that taking care of the house is a "team effort", not just your role, even if you enjoy it. Otherwise how will they learn to take care of themselves?

This has all got me very concerned that I'm going to be sending mixed messages to my DDs. I want them growing up doing whatever they want to do, but if their Mum is so content just being a 'housewife', then isn't that going to dampen their self expectations?

I think as long as you promote the idea that they follow whichever career path they want, this won't be an issue. You can show them that there are many ways to be happy, they might find fulfilment in a high flying career, or in a charity/voluntary role, or in something creative, or yes they might follow mum's path too. As long as they understand there are many options on the table and you support them, then that's all that matters.

I think what you’re saying is ok in theory but I think given your situation it’s not really likely to be the case if that makes sense? You usually work, you have a new baby, a stressful and yet happy time. I felt like you after my children. It wasn’t really related to wanting to be a housewife though

I’m a SAHM with children at school and I much prefer it to going to work everyday. I take care of the home stuff and he brings in the money. It’s my choice. My dd hasn’t been influenced by this in the slightest and is off to uni soon and going into a profession.

Also OP, why worry about "looking feminine?" What are you supposed to look like? I'm sure you'd look exactly the same if you went to work.

Your girls will wear and do what they want in life. No doubt they will be totally different personalities and you just have to go with it. I've been a SAHM for many years. I have one son who is massively into rugby and boxing, one who wants to be a singer, a DD who is a total fashionista and very artistic and another DD who wants to be a scientist. They will follow their own paths, regardless of whether you work or not!

This morning after expressing, I made DH a coffee in a travel mug

I think he should progress to cow's milk.

There are many ways to be happy and, in part, I am looking forward to retirement as it will enable me to pursue interesting voluntary roles, but the harsh economic reality is money (for most gained through paid work) gives you choices. You only have to read some of the posts on this site to learn about the lack of choice resulting from economic dependency. Balancing paid work and family life can be hard, but worthwhile things are not always easy.