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Original poster

How to deal with tutting DH

58 replies

Tinkobell · 19/03/2018 09:33

DH has become bit of a domestic demon in recent years. Has OCD with hand washing and General hygiene. If in kitchen tells kids off for going in fridge without washing hands, a lot of tutting and general disapproval. DS does now not like being in kitchen when DH is around as DH tut tut tuts so much like an old lady. He has not always been so...gotten worse with age. Now starting tutting me too....like red rag to a bull! Any advice on dealing with King Tut? He is very helpful with the chores so we don't want to bar him completely.

OP posts:
PaperdollCartoon · 19/03/2018 09:35

Does he actually have OCD or is he just very tidy? OCD is an actual illness with diagnostic criteria, not a byword for tidy.

BertrandRussell · 19/03/2018 09:38

When was he diagnosed? What sort of treatment is he getting?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/03/2018 09:41

Tell him straight out to stop the tutting?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/03/2018 09:45

If he has OCD then I would work out a plan with who ever is treating him on how best to deal with this.

If he doesn't have OCD but is becoming obsessive and controlling over hygiene then only you can judge if he is just being a dick or is actually becoming unwell.
If he is just being a dick then I suggest everyone tuts back at him each time he tuts then carries on doing what they wanted to do.

Original poster
Tinkobell · 19/03/2018 09:55

Never had OCD diagnosis but here's a few things.

  • eats sandwiches using cutlery (does not like hands on food)
  • washes hands before emptying dishwasher and insists others do.
  • if tea towel falls on floor must be washed.
  • hands always nearly bleeding sore from washing.
  • will never eat a 'sharing type' plate from buffet or restaurant
??? OCD Or annoying?
OP posts:
ThePants999 · 19/03/2018 09:57

That's nothing like OCD.

PaperdollCartoon · 19/03/2018 09:58

I think you need to research what OCD is

Original poster
Tinkobell · 19/03/2018 09:59

Not sure he'd be open to a diagnosis. He firmly believes that his views on this things are 100 per cent sound, rest of the world is wrong.

OP posts:
PaperdollCartoon · 19/03/2018 09:59

Not to say he doesn’t have it, we don’t know him, but a focus on cleanliness isn’t the same as obsessions and compulsions resulting from them

IlikemyTeahot · 19/03/2018 09:59

Grin King Tut pmsl

Ihatemyclients · 19/03/2018 10:02

From what you've said I t doesn't sound like OCD which is a really debilitating illness and goes far beyond excessive hand washing / cleanliness. That said if you do think there is a good chance that he has OCD you should seek help right away bedside lots can be done to help.

It does sound like he's being very annoying and OTT and it's no good if your son doesn't even want to be in the kitchen with him! I would start pushing back every time he does it - not aggressively, but just a polite statement each time of 'There is no need to tut at me / DS, and it is rude when you do so.' Hopefully he'll soon get the message and stop!

frasier · 19/03/2018 10:03

OP, because you called it "OCD" you are going to get a few posters ignoring your tutting question and telling you:

It isn't OCD unless your DH has been diagnosed
Asking what treatment he is getting (and then doing the above)
Telling you off for being blase about OCD
etc.

I realise this isn't helpful but this is what some people do.

If you believe your DH may have a problem, do you think he would go for treatment? As for the tutting, is it a habit? Do other people in his family tut? I think it makes a difference how to handle it if it is a habit rather than his way of expressing exasperation at someone else's actions.

Huntinginthedark · 19/03/2018 10:03

You could just say no thanks, I don’t want to wash my hands before touching the fridge
And never back down

Shedmicehugh1 · 19/03/2018 10:04

So he doesn’t have OCD. He just seems a bit germ obsessed.

Talk to him about not trying to enforce his obsession onto others?

Minxmumma · 19/03/2018 10:05

I would suggest you gently suggest he seek some help as what he is doing isn't annoying as it isn't aimed at anyone else really. A lot of what he is doing is for his own needs not to aggravate you and your dc.

The tutting isn't helpful to anyone, can you speak to him about it or at least ask him to let the dc do what they need to in the kitchen and perhaps sit in another room while they do until you can get sone help

Avasarala · 19/03/2018 10:07

Sounds more like a germaphobe - obsessive handwashing is one trait of OCD but it can also be just a thing with germs. He can get help for that too.

If he won't seek some therapy, then you're just going to have to put up with it or kick him out of the kitchen. You shouldn't allow it to affect your home life or make your children dislike being around him in those situations though, so need to think about your kids feelins as well and not just you husband's. Maybe, he's not to be ok the kitchen when the kids are wanting in to do stuff? Bit of a rubbish suggestion but really all you can do is put up with it or get him therapy. Just telling him "it's fine. Stop" won't work.

Regarding the tutting, that would drive me mad. Sit down when the kids are in bed and explain to him that his feelings are not the only ones that matter and he is now making the kids feel like they can't be around him so it needs to stop. Try a system where every time he tuts, you tell him he's doing it and immediatly he has to stop. He can't control his own actions regarding germs but he can definitely stop tutting as a way to express his feelings.

AnnaMagnani · 19/03/2018 10:08

It could be like OCD if he cannot stop if he has intrusive thoughts making him do these routines and he is driven by anxiety.

Effectively at the moment he has managed to get everyone in the house to comply with his wishes to assuage his anxiety - but it isn't working as he is upping his demands and continuing to tut at people and drive you all bonkers.

I would suggest that he goes to see his GP, get a proper diagnosis and some help.

If he is not prepared to do this, you make it clear that you are drawing a line in the sand and his issues are his issues, not sensible hygiene rules and things that affect other people will no longer be done - eg hand washing before opening fridge, washing tea towels and things that demand his children walk on eggshells around him.

BertrandRussell · 19/03/2018 10:10

Oh, OK.

Then I suggest telling him that the tutting is not on-use his words or shut up. Then just ignore him, unless you do all need to tighten up on hygiene a bit.

Magicmonster · 19/03/2018 10:12

Hi OP. My husband does not have the same cleanliness obsession but he does have various ‘rules’ that he likes others to follow (how stuff is put in cupboards, how towels are folded etc) and I often hear him tutting when he has discovered something not to his satisfaction. Like you it drives me insane!! I have told him it’s rude but he just says ‘you shouldn’t be so messy’ or something to deflect the conversation. A while back someone on here introduced me to OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder) and reading online it all fell into place. If you’re not familiar with OCPD you may want to do the same. Your sentence about him thinking this is normal really stood out to me as that’s almost universal amongst OCPD sufferers (whilst I understand OCD sufferers can usually see that what they are doing isn’t healthy but can’t help it). If it is OCPD, you have my sympathies as it does make your partner infuriating at times and it is very hard to change their way of thinking as they cannot imagine being wrong

Original poster
Tinkobell · 19/03/2018 10:16

Yes. He is a germaphobe, it's how he was raised. No pets. His own mum swabbed down surfaces with Milton routinely so. He would buy food from a deli and if person serving is not clean or touches anything, will pay and put it straight into bin.
Have tried talking about it. Gets v defensive and rather than face anxiety would prefer to just leave the whole area!!

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh1 · 19/03/2018 10:19

Not many choices. He can seek help, but if he refuses, not much else you can do. Apart from asking him not to oppose it on others, particularly the kids.

Shedmicehugh1 · 19/03/2018 10:22

Impose, not oppose!

teaandtoast · 19/03/2018 10:28

This is interesting. I wash my hands before emptying the dishwasher. Everything's just been washed in there, why would you want to touch it with hands that have just been on the cat/your phone/anything else? Doesn't make sense to me.

The tea towel thing as well. Unless your floors are permanently clean, why would you want to reuse a tea towel that's been on the floor? Genuinely surprised by this.

invisibleoldwoman · 19/03/2018 10:28

Mine started tutting a while ago. Mainly while watching tv. But also at things I was doing. Drove me witless. He is very keen on not being seen as an old man and I told him this is what old men do. Told him he sounded like his mother. He stopped.

He’s not as pernickety generally as yours though he has his little ways.

teaandtoast · 19/03/2018 10:29

I don't tut, though...

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