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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to deal with tutting DH

58 replies

Tinkobell · 19/03/2018 09:33

DH has become bit of a domestic demon in recent years. Has OCD with hand washing and General hygiene. If in kitchen tells kids off for going in fridge without washing hands, a lot of tutting and general disapproval. DS does now not like being in kitchen when DH is around as DH tut tut tuts so much like an old lady. He has not always been so...gotten worse with age. Now starting tutting me too....like red rag to a bull! Any advice on dealing with King Tut? He is very helpful with the chores so we don't want to bar him completely.

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 19/03/2018 10:30

I think this sounds like OCD. There clearly is a compulsive element - his hands are red raw from washing. That is pretty much the definition of 'beyond reasonable cleanliness'.

It also sounds like a wider problem with control that is getting more and more out of hand. I really think you have to sit down and have a firm but gentle conversation, which is not about blame but about help. He may well be incredibly defensive about this, so it's important to open up a space that's understanding.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/03/2018 10:31

OCD and OCPD are two entirely different issues...

One is a distressing and disabling anxiety disorder (OCD) - driven by a need to neutralise overwhelming anxiety eg unless I line up all the coke tins my family will die in a horrid accident. Or if I touch the door handle multiples of 9 times my daughter's plane won't crash...

The other is a personality disorder (OCPD).

flowerslemonade · 19/03/2018 10:34

Scream every time he tuts. He can be King Tut and you can be Queen Scream.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/03/2018 10:57

I like flowerslemonade's idea. But seriously, does this even need diagnosing. His hands are raw, he's upsetting the kids with it and no one should be constantly tutted at. I think particulary for your kids benefit you might need to talk to him from a parenting point of view. Its not good parenting to make them too anxious to go into the kitchen and to try to avoid him. As another poster said, you have to sit him down maybe he's stressed at work or something.. However if he just doesn't realise what he's like or thinks you are exaggerating could you do some iphne pix/videos of this behaviour. A series of him repeatedly tutting, if done in a humourous and kind way, might also make him realise it's become a habit. Best of luck

Tinkobell · 19/03/2018 11:44

Thank you Magic Monster. I will look up the OCPD thing and see if it fits, but indeed most infuriating. I am of the opinion that if I 'pander' he will just raise the level and we all end up looking over our shoulders all the time. It's a bit like that anyway. Knives have to be placed onto a plate - not onto the worktop in case it's not clean. This is making the home environment tense!

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KimmySchmidt1 · 19/03/2018 11:45

Call him king tut and take the piss out of him all the time. It’s really important with these sorts of behaviour problems to make light of them with the children so they don’t start to fear and hate your DH.

Humour and acceptance is better than seething resentment and rebellion.

It might also help him to see the silliness of his mental health problem and help him manage it.

Tinkobell · 19/03/2018 11:52

....we have introduced pets into his life. That's been a good thing. The presence of animals means a home can never be super clean. The cat currently has a scooting problem.....he is convinced that it might run upstairs and scoot on his pillow....ha ha!!

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Tinkobell · 19/03/2018 11:55

Kimmy good point re: hating and resenting. DS Aged 15 v edgy and avoids contact with DH - that's a shame. DD 16, couldn't give a toss!

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londonmummy1966 · 19/03/2018 11:55

Teach your son to sing "walk like an Egyptian" every time his dad tuts....

Tinkobell · 19/03/2018 12:32

The behaviour is much worse when he is stressed out, without a shadow of doubt. Just looked up OCPD - there's a bit of that but this seems to be a specific and quite extreme hygiene and food related chaos type hang up. DS Is a right mucky at the table, and whilst DS does need to get his act together somewhat, this seems to get under DH's skin. I'm already giving him a foot nudge under the table to calm down as DS cant relax and eat.

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/03/2018 14:41

Joking aside - I think this may be developing into a MH problem for your DH. If he is worse when he is stressed do you think he might be focussing on hygiene to try to cope with a more generalized sense of anxiety? i.e. he is already feeling stressed and worried so this "germophobia" (mysophobia) becomes the focus for his stress and worry rather than it being the underlying cause.

OutyMcOutface · 19/03/2018 14:43

Ffs he’s just very cleanly. It’s not a sin-quite the opposite from what I am told.

PuppyMonkey · 19/03/2018 14:46

What does a cat scooting involve? Confused

Idontdowindows · 19/03/2018 14:49

Ffs he’s just very cleanly.

If he was "just very cleeanly" he wouldn't be driving the other people in his family bonkers with his patronising tutting.

Shedmicehugh1 · 19/03/2018 14:51

Is cat scooting, dragging its bum? if so it has worms! Don’t tell him fgs, he will anal bleach the cat!

Cath2907 · 19/03/2018 15:10

My husband has Generalised Anxiety Disorder and a sort of side-bar of health anxiety. He is medicated but it isn't always enough. He tuts nad it drives me CRAZY, I'd like to whack him over the head with a rolling pin - an unwashed one! He gets nuts if I use raw meat in the kitchen, the hand washing used to make his hands raw before I introduced him to hand sanitiser. He gives me little rules like "that knife only for butter" or never any meat cooked in this tin. I nod and smile and ignore him 'cos he's nuts. We've never had food poisoning, I am careful with my hygene but am not pandering to crazy. I occasionally am forced to offer him the option of preparing all his own food on his own utensils and crockery - oddly that normally makes him rein it in a bit for a while! Sometimes I just yell at him to stop driving me mad and he will take his tutting elsewhere.

We can't eat (EVER) in any Pizza Express, Nandos, KFC, Subway, Any Chinese / Thai restaurant (the meat apparently is most likely to be Alsatian) or anywhere with a hygene rating less than 5*. Apparently at some point he's heard bad things about the hygene in those chain fast food joints so we can't eat there (although McDonalds, Dominos, Bella Pasta and Pizza Hut are fine). If I am on my own I eat wherever I feel like (the dirtier the chinese the better!), if he is with us it is easier to avoid. He genuinely won't eat and would look petrified the whole time (hand ringing, the sweats, fast breathing) that I was poisoning daughter.

He has IBS (or similar) but won't get diagnosed or treated because HE thinks it is food poisoning or allergies. He thinks he is allergic to nuts (he isn't, I feed them to him he just doesn't know), cheese (high fat food does set off his tummy but a tiny bit of cheddar won't kill him - I test it regularly), peppers (ok - yes I tested this and they do give him dicky tummy), lamb (no he definitely isn't!)

He also won't eat meat that looks like meat or is meaty (southern fried chicken escalope would be ok but god forbid I put a chicken leg in front of him). A rack of ribs would be unimaginably horrific. I'd be happy to feed him veggie but he doesn't like most vegetables! He doesn't think they'll poison him he just won't try them.

He knows I think he is nuts, he mostly agrees with me but can't help himself. I try not to let him see when I am ignoring his latest dictate on the assumption that what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him.
His mum is also nuts in much the same way so I can see where he gets it from, I just hope my influence will help prevent my daughter suffering the same - it often looks like death by a thousand cuts being my husband.

I'd send your hubby to the GP to see what the underlying issue is if he can't control his tutting.

takeTheRestJustForALaugh · 19/03/2018 15:17

Why so nasty towards the OP when people trip over themselves to diagnose DCs with ADD, ADHD etc?

Ignore them @Tinkobell

As for your DH, I feel sorry for anyone who has a mental problem with limits them and he clearly does.

Can you not just ignore the tutting? It sounds like he has plenty on his plate dealing with his problems.

JamPasty · 19/03/2018 15:26

I used to do the stuff he does. I was diagnosed with anxiety, sought treatment and don't feel the need to do that stuff anymore. He really should see his GP.

alittlehelp · 19/03/2018 16:09

Is it really so odd to wash hands before emptying dishwasher and washing teatowel that's been on the floor? I have my own issues in this area but I thought that was fairly normal.

Tinkobell · 19/03/2018 16:16

Golly Cath2907 your DH sounds like an extremer version of mine!.....very similar traits though. Think if GP were suggested, he'd say 'nothing wrong with me' so that's a dead end. I'm thinking a self -help type book for him to read in own time around OCPD / germphobia. Any suggestions out there on this?

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XJerseyGirlX · 19/03/2018 16:16

I would not be able to help myself so I would so have to use the "flooding" technique to break this exhausting cycle. Your poor kids, not being able to relax at home.

He needs to admit he has a problem and get help for it, not make everyone elses lives a misery.

Idontdowindows · 19/03/2018 16:18

Is it really so odd to wash hands before emptying dishwasher

Do you then also wash your hands before setting the table? Cause otherwise it makes no difference.

People are built to withstand a bit of normal dirt and bacteria (immune system problems excluded of course).

The teatowel I agree with though. It's been on the floor.

Tinkobell · 19/03/2018 16:19

Btw the cat scoots as it has recurrent impacted anal glands not worms. It also pukes, brings dead things in and shits in a tray - all manner of things that stress out anyone with this type of hygiene phobia.

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PeterRabbitEatingHisCarrot · 19/03/2018 16:25

I think you need to ask him to reign back his tutting and disapproval of other people not washing hands etc. Ask him to relax and let your DS be comfortable in his own home. If he carries on this disapproval of your DS, he will alienate him. And the fact you think he got this ‘germ obsession’ from his mum suggests he may pass it on to your DS.

user1494670108 · 19/03/2018 16:31

Agree with the other posters, while it is a "thing " of his and stress will make it worse, it is not fair on the rest of the family to impose rules on them.
Can he manage a conversation about what is "normal" so from your examples washing tea towel that's been on floor and maybe washing hands before emptying dishwasher (though it's never crossed my mind!) are reasonable but washing hands before opening fridge and keeping (clean) knife off (clean) surface isn't.
Or are there too many rules.
Otherwise I think you'll have to Banish him from kitchen until the rest of you are finished - what he like about the bathroom/ rest of the house?
The Tutting would drive me insane, choose your moment and discuss it with him