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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You don't *really* like cake

95 replies

SebsCat · 18/03/2018 22:18

I turned 32 today.

Not a card, cake, flowers, present or anything from DH. I have no other family in this country, so I literally received nothing all day.

Dd5 sweetly made me a card.

On top of it all, bastard husband (BH) has form for ignoring my events while still expecting a big fuss over his, so I actually drove the unlicensed wanker to a supermarket yesterday for a tool for his hobby, and reminded him to pick up a cake just so DC would see me celebrate.

BH informs me today that he didn't bother as 'you don't even really like cake (I DO!!!!)

I did my usual routine in the morning then took myself and my kids out to a play area and lunch so we had a nice day. I've ignored the issue altogether as I don't want to give BH the satisfaction of knowing he's upset me.

I know I should LTB but until I can, WIBU to plot revenge? I'm thinking of throwing out every bloody snack he buys/ asks for and then saying 'you don't even really like xx'

OP posts:
PersonAtHome · 19/03/2018 08:20

For me the big problem isn't necessarily that he didn't buy you anything (some men don't, just because they're a bit hopeless), but it's the contradiction between his expectations on his own birthday and what he delivers on your birthday. It's really weird. Especially when you took him somewhere that sells cake and asked him to buy cake. He can't even pretend he forgot!

He could at least be consistent - not bothering to buy you anything and then not expecting anything on his own birthday.

NeeChee · 19/03/2018 08:21

You're never too old for birthdays, or cake. My mum still gets me a cake every year (and an Easter Egg), and I'm 34 this year.
Find/bake a cake that he doesn't like (but you and DC do), that would be quite funny.

LoniceraJaponica · 19/03/2018 08:23

Why did you drive him to the supermarket? Couldn't he go on his own?

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 19/03/2018 08:29

I'd make myself a cake and eat every last bit in front of him.

Also love the idea of icing a cake with "I'm leaving you" Grin

jaseyraex · 19/03/2018 08:30

Happy belated birthday OP! I'm glad you made it a nice day for yourself regardless of your twatty BH. Your DD sounds like an absolute little gem. Be sure BH gets piss all on his next birthday. Especially no cake!

BitOutOfPractice · 19/03/2018 08:31

Next time he wants a lift say:

  1. Aren't you too old to need to be asking for lifts?
  2. But I already gave you a lift this month
  3. When did you last give me a lift?
  4. You don't even like cars that much. Not enough to sort out a licence.

He sounds like an utter tosspot.

Happy birthday anyway. You and your dc sound lovely

chocatoo · 19/03/2018 08:34

Don’t make any effort for him on his birthday or Father’s Day. Bare minimum for him from now on. Don’t casually mention to his mother, tell her properly what a mean bastard he is.

LoniceraJaponica · 19/03/2018 08:36

When he sulks on his birthday, just say that you got him what he got you - nothing.

bastardkitty · 19/03/2018 08:44

Plot your revenge by a panning your exit. Seriously. I did it and the look on his face when he walked in the house and realised that it was over was absolutely fucking priceless.

This. All the way. Belated happy birthday. Just do it.

Lalliella · 19/03/2018 08:46

BitOutOfPractice genius Grin

SebsCat book yourself a nice spa day, from now on only buy in food that he doesn’t like, use the toothbrush frequently and when you can LTB. Belated Cake and Flowers for you

DullAndOld · 19/03/2018 09:04

I was going to say what others have already said...

My ex didn't 'do' birthdays, because his mother hadn't.
However, equally he didn't expect anything for his.

the contrast between him sulking for a week because you 'only' did a cake and supper for him, and then him doing fuck all for yours, with added insults, is shocking.

Isn't it like having two children?

Roussette · 19/03/2018 09:12

My friend I've known for decades... her DH has never bothered with her birthday. They have three DSs, now adults... learned behaviour means they don't bother with her birthday either.

Trouble is, she can't moan about it, because for years she never complained.when the kids were little .. if I ever said 'they should really be acknowledging you on your birthday or Mothers Day' she made excuses for them and said it wasn't important, she didn't mind - she basically let them get away with it. Now there are 4 men in the family who don't bother with her.

Roussette · 19/03/2018 09:18

And I know for a fact she gets upset about it, but I can't talk about it anymore with her... years of me saying it was wrong, she let them get away with it. Oh... and... she of course does lots of all of their birthdays.

liquidrevolution · 19/03/2018 09:18

He is a twat. You do not want your DD who is at the 'perceptive soaking everything up like a sponge age' to think this is normal.

What are your plans for this relationship?

boxyfingo · 19/03/2018 09:25

He's being a hypocritical dick. It would be marginally better if he didn't celebrate birthdays in general, but it's really nasty that he expects a fuss for his own birthday yet can't do anything for yours.

I agree with Curious Mama that your children will pick up on this. When I was a child my Dad was a bit like this with my Mum. I was aware of this and used to make an effort to make her birthdays special by making her things and by seeing what I could buy with whatever change I could scrape together. It was very stressful and upsetting as I felt caught up between my parents, trying to keep them both happy. Your DD could feel the same. If I was in your situation I would give her an opportunity to buy you something. She would probably enjoy handing over the money in a shop and wrapping in up at home Smile.

Original poster
SebsCat · 19/03/2018 09:26

rousette that is a literal horror story to me! So far I've been very lucky that DC have been emotionally intelligent and realise you should treat others in a way you would use to be treated, but I really fear them growing up to be useless or mean.

OP posts:
TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 19/03/2018 09:33

Happy birthday @sebscat.

Sorry you are married to an enormous cunt Flowers.

It’s really hurtful considering how much he spent on his gaming equipment when you drove him to the shops. I expect he was so excited about his new toys that he forgot to get you anything, which speaks volumes.

I will echo what pps have already said which is cut out the taxi services. He’s old enough to get himself about. Also, go out and buy something for yourself and have a piece of expensive cake in a coffee shop / patisserie while you’re at it. Next birthday I would do absolutely nothing for him.

Roussette · 19/03/2018 09:35

I just think Sebs after years and years of seeing their father not bother with Mum's birthday or Mothers Day, the enthusiasm they had when they were little just stopped. Why should they bother, Dad didn't... so once they stopped making cards at primary school, it all finished

The sad thing is, my friend was hopeful every year, she honestly deep down thought that this year would be different. Only last week I told her a funny story of what my adult DDs did for Mothers Day (I thought DH had another woman! he was acting so strange, they went to great lengths to engineer a surprise visit with all the DCs bursting in through the door and DH was in on it!) My friend rang off quickly because quite obviously her lot didn't bother again.

(BTW I want very little... a card will do, it's just acknowledgement isn't it...)

Isetan · 19/03/2018 09:39

Rant away but what’s the point in investing so much energy getting worked up about your H not meeting your expectations when you know full well he doesn’t care to.

Original poster
SebsCat · 19/03/2018 09:44

boxy with a day's persepective I feel guilty. It must be stressful for DD. I should have just bought a bloody cake and card myself for her to sign, so she could enjoy the day.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/03/2018 09:49

Roussette - that was my MIL too.

Her husband never bothered, so her 2 sons never bothered.

When I came along, I was disgusted with their attitude (their father died years before I met DH so couldn't say anything about or to him) and I've made sure she always gets birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day stuff since. I don't know how grateful she is - she seemed to be at first! - but she's one of life's female doormat types, so she was also very much of the "oh don't worry about me, I'll be fine" and it's All About The Men. Bloody irritating!

You could change things now, if you choose to - don't leave it up to your sons' wives/girlfriends. :(

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 19/03/2018 09:50

Does he generally show such little regard for you? It's like he doesn;t see you as a person, more a fuckable domestic appliance. It is possible that he could be extra dense and doesn't realise but since he demands a fuss for his birthday and sulks like a toddler I don't think so.

This is no way to live or show your children an example.
Do you have an income? I would start looking at your options. If you are going to give him an ultimatum only do so when you can act.
Watch out for him 'hoovering' and being extra nice should you put the possibility of divorce - it won't last.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/03/2018 09:52

Sorry Sebscat! Meant to say Happy Birthday to you as well!

And fgs DON'T feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty for - your BH should be the one feeling guilty!

I tell you what though, for his next Birthday/ Father's Day, tell him you'll make exactly as much effort as he did for yours. And that's how it will continue to be. So it can either be a race to the bottom (neither of you doing anything) or he can step the fuck up and treat you properly.

ArchchancellorsHat · 19/03/2018 09:53

Re your BH. My DH doesn't always do anything for my birthday. Sometimes he forgets, sometimes he surprises me and remembers and sends me flowers. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me. We've been married nearly 30 years, in that time I have learnt that there is more to 'us' than him buying me cake or cards on my birthday.

Would your DH actually remember and then tell you you just weren't getting anything because he CBA, or would he simply forget? Big difference.

Nemophilist · 19/03/2018 10:08

He sounds like a cunt (I never normally use that word but I believe it is required)
Happy birthday for yesterday CakeFlowers
I think you should buy/make a cake today and make sure you and the dc eat it all but leave the evidence so he realises he missed out.
If he says anything just say we fancied cake today but there wasn't really enough to share and you don't really like cake anyway or you could do with losing a few lbs. Petty I know but warranted.