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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You don't *really* like cake

95 replies

SebsCat · 18/03/2018 22:18

I turned 32 today.

Not a card, cake, flowers, present or anything from DH. I have no other family in this country, so I literally received nothing all day.

Dd5 sweetly made me a card.

On top of it all, bastard husband (BH) has form for ignoring my events while still expecting a big fuss over his, so I actually drove the unlicensed wanker to a supermarket yesterday for a tool for his hobby, and reminded him to pick up a cake just so DC would see me celebrate.

BH informs me today that he didn't bother as 'you don't even really like cake (I DO!!!!)

I did my usual routine in the morning then took myself and my kids out to a play area and lunch so we had a nice day. I've ignored the issue altogether as I don't want to give BH the satisfaction of knowing he's upset me.

I know I should LTB but until I can, WIBU to plot revenge? I'm thinking of throwing out every bloody snack he buys/ asks for and then saying 'you don't even really like xx'

OP posts:
poorpedro · 18/03/2018 23:17

i think op means cleaning with the toothbrush Grin make sure you get right round the rim!

Greyponcho · 18/03/2018 23:17

Get him a customised cake with a simple message iced on top...
“F*k you, a*hole” Grin

Original poster
SebsCat · 18/03/2018 23:22

grey I would love to do that for his next birthday, unfortunately Dd can read now 😂

I had just about managed to be mature and dignified all day.

Then he casually mentions that the gaming equipment he bought yesterday (when I drove him to the shops!!!!) was £100 on sale. I know it's his own money to spend as he likes but honestly a £5 cake and cheap card wouldn't have been a stretch.

OP posts:
321zerobaby · 18/03/2018 23:33

Happy Birthday Sebscat Cake Flowers

OlennasWimple · 18/03/2018 23:35

Make a deal with yourself that by the next birthday you will be celebrating it without him

Perhaps you could get "I'm leaving you" iced onto a cake then delivered to him at work when you are ready to LTB

Greyponcho · 18/03/2018 23:35

The solution is to put the gaming gear in jelly.
Ice cream on the side is optional Grin

KurriKurri · 18/03/2018 23:44

My X used to claim my birthday was too near Christmas for me to be able to have a present (it is mid Dec).

Now he is my X I don't go through the stress of wondering how he is going to fuck up on my birthday and find a way to hurt me. I buy myself something nice, I make myself a nice meal or treat myself to lunch out. I used to hate my birthday because of him - now I enjoy it.

Nasty people will use any occasion that should be nice for you to be horrible - it is manipulative and cruel. It is trying to 'put you in your place' . Whether you want to put up with this (it won't get better) is up to you.

But for the time being I would go out and spend £100 on a gift for yourself, have a nice lunch out with a friend (or by yourself- just as nice) and he can go fuck himself with his hobby tool.

Happy Birthday from me Flowers

Gingersstuff · 18/03/2018 23:44

Take his gaming equipment back to the shop, spend the £100 on a totally frivolous gift for yourself. Happy birthday to you.
He's a wanker.

BouleBaker · 18/03/2018 23:45

What a foulmongering arsetwat. You can have so much fun with the time you would have spent eating cake planning your escape.

trackrBird · 18/03/2018 23:46

Yes, it’s his own money to spend as he likes, but what are you to him, Rent-a-wife? ShockYou’re supposed to be loved and cared for SebsCat!

If he HAD just bought you the cheap cake and card while splashing out £100 on himself I’d still recommend he was kicked to the kerb. As it was, even that was all too much effort for him.

Happy Birthday Cake 🎁 and I hope this is a great year for you. Buy yourself a present, and make tracks towards a new life!

notangelinajolie · 18/03/2018 23:48

Happy Birthday Flowers

You said your family aren't in this country but why didn't they call you or send you anything for your birthday? I wonder that perhaps some of your disappointment today comes from this.

Re your BH. My DH doesn't always do anything for my birthday. Sometimes he forgets, sometimes he surprises me and remembers and sends me flowers. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me. We've been married nearly 30 years, in that time I have learnt that there is more to 'us' than him buying me cake or cards on my birthday.

Eveforever · 18/03/2018 23:49

Happy Birthday! 🍰

Can I ask what he did for Mother's Day and Valentine's Day?

CuriousMama · 19/03/2018 07:25

What's he like generally?

OliviaBenson · 19/03/2018 07:29

Don't do anything for his birthday. Doesn't matter that he sulks. Don't give lifts or anything either.

But yeah LTB sooner rather than later.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2018 07:32

That's a bit shit. The mere fact you asked and he was in the supermarket means he deliberately decided against it. Which is horrid.

I would just say to him calmly. Based on yesterday I will not be doing anything for your birthday anymore.

And leave it there. Don't enter a discussion. Don't negotiate, don't argue, just stone wall him and say as it's equal you will not do anything for his.

It doesn't matter if you then do, well I wouldn't but you might, but at least make him think it.

Original poster
SebsCat · 19/03/2018 07:42

curiousmama before we were married and for the first few years after he'd make a big effort on occasions. Since DD was born (5 years ago) it seems to be a race to the bottom of what I'll tolerate, less on less on every occasion. Nothing for Valentine's Day at all (which didn't bother me) and this year was my first time in 5 years celebrating Mother's Day as my little DD 'saved her pennies' (ie went through my change pot Grin) and forced him to accompany her to the shop downstairs so she could buy me chocolates, and made me a card.

OP posts:
DayKay · 19/03/2018 07:48

Tell him that you’re hurt that he puts so little importance on your birthday, and if that’s what he generally thinks about birthdays then you should apply it equally to him too and this year, you won’t bother.
I actually feel really annoyed on your behalf that he sulked for a week because he thought you didn’t put enough effort for his birthday yet he can think nothing of yours?

LoveInTokyo · 19/03/2018 07:51

Please never have sex with this man again.

Your DD sounds lovely btw.

TomRavenscroft · 19/03/2018 07:54

He sounds horrible. Pouting and sulking? What a child.

Stop driving him about, for starters.

Happy birthday! Cake Brew Thanks

CuriousMama · 19/03/2018 07:56

Your poor dd will be picking up on this.

Has he apologised? I'm guessing not.

HisBetterHalf · 19/03/2018 07:58

For me it would be the cake that broke the camels back".........

GnotherGnu · 19/03/2018 08:08

No more free taxi services, I hope?

Kitchenbound · 19/03/2018 08:09

Happy birthday! 🎂🍾 And your DD is gorgeous! Sweet little thing at least she made a bit of a fuss.

Ok so some people have a thing about birthdays but wtf is this too old for birthdays crap? DH nan is 96 and still quite rightly expects a celebration. Not so much presents but sure as hell a cake, cards and a bit of a family gathering (see: booze up).

I don't know about revenge as such... does not making him dinner because 'you don't even like dinner' count as revenge? Second thoughts maybe im all for it. I would accidentally throw the gaming stuff out the window myself.

Take your DD out and have a really nice lunch somewhere with the biggest cake you can find. And buy yourself some diamonds. On his credit card

swivelchair · 19/03/2018 08:14

My DP does nothing for birthdays (or Mothers day - in fact he's regularly forgotten both) - now actually, that's fine, these things were never a big deal in my family anyway, I'm a grown adult and I can go out and do/buy whatever I like, so some half-arsed present isn't required anyway.

BUT, then he did try to get miffed about his birthday and not getting a present. I just put him straight on that, that I would put in proportional effort to him (not entirely true, I will help the kids do stuff for him if they want, I'll definitely say happy birthday, and I'll give him the lie-in etc).

Now there's just a little sad face about it every now and then, but he knows its self-inflicted. That is about as much as is reasonable I think.

Actual sulking for a week, well.. I couldn't tolerate that, I really would be looking to end a relationship (because I would assume there's other childish behaviour that'll go along with being the kind of person who would do that)

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 19/03/2018 08:19

I hope toothbrush was in hand for your cleaning!
Card and flowers would take him half an hour to organise and he couldn’t even give you that.
I think you know what you have to do.
Happy (late) birthday 🎂. I suggest you leave him with the children next weekend and go and spend some money on a present to yourself and make sure you have tea and cake somewhere expensive.