What has happened to hen parties?

[TheRebel]

So the first hen party I went to was about 15 years ago, we got a bus to Blackpool, stayed in a cheap B&B, tea in McDonalds and went out drinking, it probably cost about £60-£70 all in. Since then I’ve been to maybe 5 or 6 and they’ve all been a night out in the local town dressed up in a stupid costume, everyone could go and everyone could afford it.

I’ve just been invited to a hen party that is 2 nights in a cottage in Cornwall, activities throughout the day (surfing lesson) plus lunch out and evening meal followed by entertainment (not specified yet) but the approximate cost is going to be around £300 plus travel and drinks etc.

I know I don’t have to go but it just seems a bit selfish to expect people to spend that kind of money, imagine if you had two or three weddings in one year and you had to go to all these hen parties at that cost.

I agree they have become very expensive - I was invited to one recently where accommodation alone was coming in at £425. The MOH had set her heart on a very specific country house and was insisting on it even though it slept 25 and only 12 people were going. I politely declined that one! Felt terrible for my sister though as she was a bridesmaid and had to attend even though she really struggled to afford it.

I think it's fine not to attend a hen if the cost is high - only a really unreasonable bride would expect everyone to cough up huge sums. That said, when I got married I kept it cheap because having my friends was more important to me than having a fancy weekend away. Each to their own though!

I agree, OP, that it's a bit OTT.

It's just a symptom of the rise in the standard of living in the UK. Thirty or 40 years ago, a hen party (if indeed there was one at all - I didn't have one and neither did my sisters or any of my friends whose weddings I went to in the 70s and 80s) would most likely have been a gathering of a few friends for drinks and a chat the night before the wedding, either at the bride's home or at a pub.

Nobody could have afforded the extravagant parties that take place nowadays - and the sorts of experiences they offer simply weren't available for the most part anyway.

it may be new compared to year and years ago but I’m 28 and every single hen iv been on has not been a day pub crawl. I’m going to one in may that’s a weekend in Amsterdam that’s costing £240 for hotel & flights.
Benidorm last year that was £270 for a long weekend and Amsterdam again the year before that cost £180 for hotel and flights.
I personally enjoy them, I have 2 kids and it’s nice to get away for a couple of days and have a laugh with my friends.

I declined another one last year though as it was £400 for Spain and I wasn’t going to pay that.

I wouldn’t do it to replace a family holiday though but I’m not going to feel bad either about spending money going away on my own for a couple of nights.

@elfintreehuggywugger - derailing the thread a little, hope op doesn't mind.

Was there much to do in Scarborough for a hen do? Would a bride who wants a 'proper' hen do enjoy it there. Any cocktail making, VIP booths that kind of thing? That's one of our potential destinations and I love Scarborough so would like to sway it if I can. Thanks.

I agree. I've been on a few and I agree they cost a fortune. One year dh and I worked out we had spent nearly £2k on Stag and hen dos for other people and couldn't afford to go away on holiday together.

Similar to 40ths now - one of DHS friends was arranging a trip to New york for 5 days and couples were invited. We politely declined.

Because it is for someone eles's big event when you are just an attendee you often get marshalled round told what to do and basically don't get a say in anything but just have to pay for the priveillege.

Now I'm older and wiser I just own say thanks but no thanks

Affordability is relative - a £300 weekend away at 30 would have been a similar percentage of my monthly disposable income as a £50 meal and drinks night out would have been 10 years earlier.

We had no children at our wedding, but then we got married in our late 20s and all our friends didn't start having babies until closer to 30 - although one guest was pregnant.

If there is only one other couple going who have dcs, I'd presume most of the brides friends can easily afford this. (And if you can't afford the hotel near the venue and can't find another that is affordable, then it doesn't matter if it's child-free or not, you can't go.)

Weddings that inconvenience guests and require them to spend lots of money (or be forced to decline) are clearly for people who don't really value their friends presence at their wedding.

It is rather about a wedding abroad and extravagant hen do etc. Which is what the B&G want, rather than a celebration that is accessible to all their friends and family.

For that reason I don't think they would be particularly bothered if you can't attend. Some people are more self absorbed than others, pick your friends wisely and plan carefully which relationships you invest your time and money in.

Both me and my BF did a multi-part day (activity or two, meal, drinks karaoke). You could do all the bits of just one or two. Worked well as people like the MIL and grandmas only came to the meal for example but could opt out of the heavily physical activities one drinking games.

I'm a bridesmaid twice this year. The hen I've been allowed to organise is half hour away by taxi. Cheap pub lunch then a pub crawl. I'm getting a veil and sash for the bride and will play a few games. Simple and cheap.

But again, that's simple and cheap because everyone, it seems, lives in the same place anyway. If I'd organised the same thing half an hour away from where the bride I was organising for lived then more than half the guests would still have had to spend £30-80 on train tickets, and shell out for accommodation overnight - so they'd still have spent a lot of money, and wouldn't have felt like they'd got much time all together for it. Of course if your friends are all people from your school/your cousins/the girl you grew up down the street from you can just go locally for a cheap as chips do. But that's not how anyone I know lives have panned out.

YANBU. Its all gotten way too extravagant and puts people under too much pressure. I've also been invited to several where we've been told the cost upfront by whoever's organising, I've budgeted accordingly but then the costs start creeping up and it puts you in an awkward position as you've already agreed to go.
Not only does a hen do abroad seem to have become the norm now but I've noticed over the last couple of years that people seem to be having multiple hen do's. Last year one of my friends had a long weekend in Paris, a spa break somewhere a couple of hours drive away from home on a different weekend and then a meal and night out clubbing in the nearest big city (but still involving an overnight stay on a hotel) and the expectation was that people attended all three.
Stag do's have gotten just as ridiculous. DH got invited to three stag do's last summer all involving flights, hotels and various expensive activities. There was no way we could afford for him to do all three so he said yes to the first one who asked him (seemed the fairest way to decide) and told his other two mates he couldn't afford to go to theirs as well- they got the right hump with him!

Yes I am lucky that the ones I am bridesmaid for are all based in the same sort of area bar one guest who is staying over with another but I can see how difficult it would be if people were coming from all over.

First hen do was a decade ago, and abroad. Since then they have got cheaper, and are usually nights out. I think its because we've got older, many have children, a greater number have mortgages, and we all have less disposable income.

If there is only one other couple going who have dcs, I'd presume most of the brides friends can easily afford this. (And if you can't afford the hotel near the venue and can't find another that is affordable, then it doesn't matter if it's child-free or not, you can't go.)

I think about half of the guests have children but the only one I’ve spoken to who is definitely going is leaving them with grandparents, there is other accommodation nearby but it’s all self catering cottages and B&Bs so not likely to offer childcare services. I think most but not all of the people I know who will be invited will find it a struggle financially, but won’t want to say anything for fear of upsetting the happy couple.

Yes, it does feel like the wedding is more important than having their friends there with them but so be it, I would have loved to have gone but I’m going to do what’s best for us rather than just go along with it and watch the costs mount up.

I'm going to a hen do at a spa this year and it's costing £200 per person. That includes a facial that I don't particularly want and Prosecco which I don't drink. However, I am really looking forward to having a childfree weekend in a nice part of the country and spending time with my friend the bride-to-be (the others I don't know so well, but I've met them a few times and they all seem very nice). I've only been to two hen dos before, one of which was my own. That cost around £35pp for afternoon tea, plus train fares.

Thankfully there seems to be some sanity returning to the stag bashes I have been invited to. 10 years ago You were expected to drop several hundred quid and give up a few holiday days on some European city break. Last invite was a round of golf followed by beers and a curry.

'I think most but not all of the people I know who will be invited will find it a struggle financially, but won’t want to say anything for fear of upsetting the happy couple.'

And that's exactly how such weddings continue.

OP - you dont need the hotel to arrange the childcare - if you would go and hire a cottage, you contact a local Nanny agency or somewhere like sitters.co.uk

Life changes, budgets change, responsibilities and drains on your time change, the problem is if yours changes in a differnt way to your friends. If the majority of her friends can afford a weekend away and would enjoy a weekend in a cottage more than a night out on the piss in the local town, then she's not in the wrong to arrange that.

'OP - you dont need the hotel to arrange the childcare - if you would go and hire a cottage, you contact a local Nanny agency or somewhere like sitters.co.uk'

She's seen sense and won't be paying top whack and then scurrying round to find a total stranger to look after her child. She's not going. Not everyone is willing to tie themselves in knots to indulge people just because they're getting married. They just decline the invitations and move on.

expat - but she'd said originally she couldnt go to the wedding because it wasnt in a hotel and the nearest hotel was £300 a night, which she can't afford, but had considered using childcare in a hotel as it's no children. But then said for the other guests on other budgets, there are numorous B&Bs and self catering places in the area they will probably stay at. My point was she can still use childcare in her accomodation if she wants to go if the accomodation isn't the super expensive hotel where they do all that for you.

She said she can't afford the hen do, but also couldn't afford to go to the wedding as she presumed she'd need to stay at the fancy hotel. (Which isn't even the wedding venue.)

Just saying it is possible to sort childcare in a cheap hotel/self catering place/B&B - you aren't limited to big expensive hotels that'll do that for you.

At first I thought the wedding was going to be in a hotel so I was happy to use childcare in the hotel because we’d be in the same building, but I’m not happy to leave my child with a stranger in a rented cottage 5 miles away in a rather remote place. As expat said I’m not going to tie myself in knots to indulge their wedding plans, they’ve really made it quite inconvenient for the majority (probably all) of their guests so should be expecting some people to decline the invitation.