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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What has happened to hen parties?

95 replies

TheRebel · 18/03/2018 21:41

So the first hen party I went to was about 15 years ago, we got a bus to Blackpool, stayed in a cheap B&B, tea in McDonalds and went out drinking, it probably cost about £60-£70 all in. Since then I’ve been to maybe 5 or 6 and they’ve all been a night out in the local town dressed up in a stupid costume, everyone could go and everyone could afford it.

I’ve just been invited to a hen party that is 2 nights in a cottage in Cornwall, activities throughout the day (surfing lesson) plus lunch out and evening meal followed by entertainment (not specified yet) but the approximate cost is going to be around £300 plus travel and drinks etc.

I know I don’t have to go but it just seems a bit selfish to expect people to spend that kind of money, imagine if you had two or three weddings in one year and you had to go to all these hen parties at that cost.

OP posts:
VioletteValentia · 19/03/2018 07:43

The first type doesn’t sound very appealing to me. For mine, I want a spa weekend. It’s just preference, not everyone wants to get drunk and party.

VioletteValentia · 19/03/2018 07:43

Tbh op it’s quite normal for kids not to be invited to weddings

Depends on culture. In many other countries, a childfree wedding is unheard of.

ladyvimes · 19/03/2018 07:50

I don’t understand the negativity towards hen dos and weddings on mumsnet. Can’t afford it/don’t want to go then don’t go. I’ve been to some expensive and some cheap hen dos and enjoyed them all. I’ve also politely declined some as they were too expensive or too far away. Never been an issue at all.
I really think you need to stop over thinking things.
Btw my hen do was one day and everyone slept at my house so no hotel costs.

joystir59 · 19/03/2018 07:51

I'm 60 and have never been to a hen party. They sound dreadful, really boring and forced/false. I don't like big group activities though. I like to be able to sneak out of things when I've had enough

Mallorie · 19/03/2018 07:58

Thank god that drunken screaming 'L Plate' fancy dress Blackpool-style hen parties are on the way out. As someone who lives centrally in York, If I never see another one again it will be too soon. It's idiotic, messy, dangerous, and often just plain nasty. And stags are 10 times worse.

Surf lessons in Cornwall, however, sound amazing. I did something similar (horseback riding instead of surfing) but then the friend who arranged it also had everyone including those who couldn't make the first weekend for whatever reason around to hers for wine and records (where everyone brought an album of their own or dug through her extensive collection for old favourites) - this was a couple of weeks later, no cost at all for anyone.

Can your child not stay with her father for three days so you can go to the wedding? Alternatively, you can contact the hotel to see if they have babysitting. Most can arrange it for a reasonable cost, and as you would probably, literally be in the same building with your mobile in your pocket there is absolutely no reason it wouldn't work.

Lordoftheringsting · 19/03/2018 08:05

Some people like to get away and have a bit of fun. I don’t see anything wrong with it if you can afford it. If you can’t then you don’t go. Simples

CurlsandCurves · 19/03/2018 08:10

I don the understand how the brides to be can justify the huge cost. Yeah, I know you’re going to be spending quite a bit of money on outfits, a gift, travel, overnight accommodation etc when you come to my wedding anyway, but before that, I’d like you to spend hundreds more on a hen do!

I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking that of my friends!

VioletteValentia · 19/03/2018 08:11

I don’t understand why people think they can’t say no if they can’t afford it or don’t want to go.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2018 08:12

'Depends on culture. In many other countries, a childfree wedding is unheard of.'

Yes, or two-tiered weddings. Or tacky poems telling guests to give them money for a holiday. Or expect people to tie themselves in knots to get to their destination wedding abroad (oh, yes, use your annual leave to leave your DD for days to go to their shindig, hire a nanny, blah blah blah).

whiskyowl · 19/03/2018 08:13

I think the point is affordability.

Yes, a cottage in Cornwall sounds lovely. But not everyone has £300-400 spare to do it. If you choose an option that costs more than £100 per person, and you expect people to pay a share towards it, then it's highly likely you'll be causing some financial stress to at least one person in the party, who will then feel a conflict between what they know to be financially prudent and being left out. Isn't it better to do something shorter and cheaper than to cause someone that kind of pain?

I think the constant expectation of a Big Event actually inevitably tends to mean things are disappointing. They become stressful to organise, over complicated and emotionally overwrought. A laid back, shorter and quieter celebration is often a lot nicer.

VioletteValentia · 19/03/2018 08:14

Indeed expat. They are local, family friendly events and I much prefer that to the poncy, pretentious trend.

Original poster
TheRebel · 19/03/2018 08:21

Another thought re child free wedding - that doesn't mean you can't go, particularly if the wedding is in a hotel. You all go then hire a babysitter /nanny to look after dc while you are at the ceremony/ meal.

This was my first thought, but it’s not in a hotel and the only hotel nearby is £300 per night so that’s not an option, the only person I know who is going without their kids is leaving them with the grandparents but that’s not an option for us.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/03/2018 08:23

Honestly, I'd have already declined. It doesn't work for you. So say no! Saves having to stump up to enable these twits and hand over the invariable wodge of cash they'll want as a gift.

morningconstitutional2017 · 19/03/2018 08:24

This makes the idea of running off to Gretna Green without saying anything seem like a very good idea. It's all about keeping up with the Joneses now, isn't it? Thankfully I'm old enough and rude enough to say 'eff off' to invitations which I consider to be ridiculous.

MargaretCavendish · 19/03/2018 08:24

If you choose an option that costs more than £100 per person, and you expect people to pay a share towards it, then it's highly likely you'll be causing some financial stress to at least one person in the party, who will then feel a conflict between what they know to be financially prudent and being left out.

But as someone said upthread, this is only really possible if the bride has never left her hometown and so everyone lives within spitting distance of each other. I organised a hen last year where I tried very hard to keep costs down, but it probably cost the group on average at least £200, including their train fare there, and some of them more. We stayed in an AirBnB house to keep costs down, ate dinner in one of the two nights, and the main activity was a hike, so essentially free. But most people (including me) had to travel, which made it expensive. It also means that people had to stay overnight, so again, that costs money. I tried pretty hard but I couldn't organise a weekend away for 20 for less than £100 a head - maybe I'm a terrible organiser! But things cost money, and 'lets all just go down the local' is only going to really work in a very particular circumstance.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/03/2018 08:29

These things have got completely out of hand, IMO, both hen and stag.
It's not just the cost, which can be more than enough, but often days of precious leave, too.
Just attending a wedding can be expensive enough, what with travel, present, often hotel and drinks, etc.

As for being a new thing, it must be at least 15 years ago that a dd's bf was expected to spend £500+ on a stag trip to Boston (US not Lincs). He couldn't afford it and said so, but it's a shame that anyone has to, and even more of a shame if people feel obliged to spend money they can't afford, because they don't want to appear a misery or a skinflint.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 19/03/2018 08:30

I like the sound of the surf lesson and cottage BUT I’d probably only enjoy that with family or best friends. I wouldn’t want to go with loads of people I don’t really know, so yanbu.

When I had my hen do though, I was pretty insistent it be as easy as possible for people to attend. We were going to have some nice beauty treatments, drinks and food at my parents’ house, (I was living overseas at the time), followed by some movies. My bridesmaids agreed, but then changed the relaxing beauty treatments to having our makeup done, ‘surprised’ me with a butler in the buff, (not my scene at all) and a giant limo, which took us to a nightclub in the nearest big city. It was so lovely of them to do this, but I was secretly a bit miffed that my chilled day and night in with my mates got hijacked . Anyway, one of the hens got far too pissed and I had to take her all the way back to my parents’ house in a taxi as they wouldn’t let her stay in the club. I think I was there for about an hour.

VioletteValentia · 19/03/2018 08:33

To be honest I don’t even see the point of them. For mine, I’ll be having my mom, nan, MIL, SILs for a family spa day. That’s it. No 2,546 friends to come along.

I don’t inertstand why they’re so massive.

Trills · 19/03/2018 08:36

I have only ever enjoyed the hen parties I've been on.

My friends have nice friends that I have enjoyed meeting.

The "activities" arranged were enjoyable.

laddylonglocks · 19/03/2018 08:45

I've never been on a hen do but they do seem to be getting more expensive! I suppose they can do whatever they want as long as they understand when people can't afford it.

Lalliella · 19/03/2018 08:53

When I got married the thought of anyone not being able to come because I’d imposed a no children rule would’ve mortified me. My friends are important to me, I’d want them there. Could you not ask them to make an exception so that you can attend? Tbh if they didn’t I’d think I didn’t really matter to them that much so I wouldn’t bother with the hen weekend either, especially if you don’t really want to go.

Fintress · 19/03/2018 08:58

I have never enjoyed hen do's and avoid them like the plague and would have absolutely no problem in politely turning down an invite. I cannot stand big group activities!

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 19/03/2018 09:03

I've only been on one, it was the bride and the two of us bridesmaids, the bride and I stayed with the other bm at her house in an unglamourous bit of Oxfordshire. We arrived for a lovely lunch at her house, we took the bride for a riding lesson and then went pottery painting with an afternoon tea chucked in, walked home in the sunshine and chilled before walking back into town for a really nice dinner with a cocktail, home again for a dvd. Home made pastries for breakfast and then off to a spa for a day next day with afternoon tea again. It was fun, relaxed and we budgetted it. Loads of activities but as we were a threesome it was very close and friendly. The only "hen" bits were that we had sashes to wear for a giggle and the bride and I made bucks fizz on the train up to Oxfordshire, partly for fun and partly because the other BM is tea total so we just decided to do it then. There was another hen group on the train making merry with willy antennae and parading the bride in the aisle so we felt v classy and low key!

PeapodBurgundy · 19/03/2018 09:03

ELF The one where you made up your own bowl and they cooked it up for you. It was amazing, and literal exactly what you wanted. I still drool at the thought of those buckets of fried rice! Haha

DBoo · 19/03/2018 09:04

I'm a bridesmaid twice this year. The hen I've been allowed to organise is half hour away by taxi. Cheap pub lunch then a pub crawl. I'm getting a veil and sash for the bride and will play a few games. Simple and cheap.

The second one is being left up to the bride as she knows what she wants but she is very disappointed as I think she had hoped for a hen do similar to the one you described. The thing is though, they are so expensive. I would almost certainly be priced out as would a lot of others. So whilst the bride might get what she thinks is a proper hen do, she wouldn't have many guests. I know she is a bit upset but tbh even if I had that kind of money I could think of a million other ways I'd rather spend it before that.

Last year I went to a hen do. We had booked a small room in a pub. Had music. Daft games. Nibbles. It was great and of all the hen does I've been on probably the most natural and enjoyable. That's the kind I'd want.