DP wants a lie in every weekend

[IWantALieIn]

Not sure who is BU here. He says me, I say him.

I have a toddler from a previous relationship, who doesn’t see his dad. DP is very good, looks after him like he’s he’s dad and is very good at housework, cleaning, whereas I am shit at it. DP is helpful, kind and generally wonderful.

However he sleeps 12 hours a day. He says he needs to and it’s not a choice. Therefore, he can’t get up in the morning. I harassed him to go to the GPs and his thyroid seems to be slightly underactive and he's got a follow up for that. He also has depression, as do I, but he says his sleep has been like this since before he was depressed.

Now here’s the issue. DS gets up at 6am. He sometimes doesn’t sleep through. We have the agreement that DP will get up in the night, because he doesn’t like mornings, I’ll get up with DS.

However, on the nights DS sleeps through, DP still thinks I should get up every morning because “he needs 12 hours sleep”. I said we should take it in turns, so one night he sleeps through, DP gets up in the morning, next night I do it, or vice versa. He says this isn’t fair because he needs his sleep and I said I’d do the mornings. I said but otherwise I get no benefit of DS sleeping.

I also have bad joints, and take prescription painkillers. In a morning, in the winter, my joints are stiff and sore and I can’t take my meds if I’m looking after DS alone.

Is he being u? He says I am because he does most of the housework and needs his sleep. I also think maybe I am because DS isn’t his son?

[IWantALieIn]

I will see if there’s an alternative medication I can take, I just panic when in charge of DS because it makes me feel so drowsy.

[ElsieMc]

I had this when I was first married op. My dh's mother always laid in until gone lunch time and he followed suit. This meant I was sat alone until around 12.30 each weekend. I couldn't stand it and in the end I told him he had plenty of time for that when he was dead. It was a half life.

Who wants to spend their time with someone who prefers being unconscious until the afternoon fgs. He may not be the father to your child but you came as a package. Whilst he clearly sounds like he does his fair share around the house the cost of this is too high because you are effectively paying for this.

He puts his own needs before his family and I am biased because this is something I am sensitive about.

[IWantALieIn]

This meant I was sat alone until around 12.30 each weekend. I couldn't stand it and in the end I told him he had plenty of time for that when he was dead. It was a half life.

I feel like I’m alone every morning too, and then it’s a bloody mission to do anything because it’s a rush. I hate it

[AnnaMagnani]

Ignoring all the fairness points both of you seem to have unresolved medical issues.

He has an underactive thyroid and poor sleep hygiene. His fatigue, depression and sleep would be much better when his thyroid is treated and if he paid better attention to sleep hygiene - first rule, go to sleep at the same time every night, no staying up til 1am on screens.

You have bad joints and stiffness + some serious painkillers at a very young age. If you haven't been seen by a rheumatologist then you should be. And your pain relief is not working for you despite having tried a lot. Have you been seen by a pain clinic? Again, if not, ask for a referral.

[pumpersnatch]

Hmmmm I think your changing your tune slightly. You now say your concerned about the 12 hours sleep being an issue but your OP and indeed your USERNAME is about YOU wanting a lie in .

[rookiemere]

I think on balance YABU.

Your DP does the housework and any night get ups with your toddler. Having to get up at 6am each morning seems like a fair swap for that.

He's a night owl and generally I find that annoying, but as it's not his DS I don't think in this situation it's fair to expect a 50% split of everything - unless you're keen to do the night wakings and some cleaning as well.

It is unusual and not particularly normal for someone to need 12 hrs sleep every night - hopefully the thyroid referral will help to sort that out. It is unreasonable of him to expect you to stay up with him as you're the one getting up early.

Perhaps when you both have jobs things will be easier not harder as it does force you both into a natural routine and your DP will just not be able to game until the wee small hours if he has to get into work for 9am - or maybe he could look for a night time job which may suit him better.

[TeachesOfPeaches]

Depression makes you sleep a lot and the fact he has no real reason to go to bed early and get up early means there is no routine. How long have you been together and how old is the toddler?

[IWantALieIn]

AnnaMagnani

Yes I think we do both have unresolved medical issues.

No, I haven’t been seen by a pain clinic. I’ve been on tramadol since I was 18, and codeine and dihydrocodeine since 16. I’ve been seen by a rheumatologist who thought it was arthritis but says tests are fine and it’s possibly fibromyalgia and ehlers danlos.

[gingercat02]

I could sleep for 12 hours a day but sadly I have a job and a child (and thankfully a great DH) so I bloody well can't. I went to bed at 10:30 last night and got up at 9am this morning that's my occasional lie in. DH stayed up to play on the PS on Wednesday night til silly o'clock but was still up at 7am to do the breakfasts and get ready for work. That's how families work

[WombatChocolate]

Neither of you sound very mature or ready to get into the lifestyle of work. Most people BOTH get up at 6 for work 5 days a week and sleep for perhaps 7 hours. It's just something that comes with being an adult and responsible. When there are kids, there is even less me time and lie ins and you will be lucky to get 1 per week. Its reality.

So essentially you are both unemployed. It is March so your degrees must have finished last summer or sooner.

If you're in a long term relationship, I think you are both responsible for your D's - he is part of the package, as is his care. You need to both start planning for an adult non-student lifestyle where you both get up in the morning during the week. At least one of you needs to be going to work and the other to be with DS or takebto childcare.....start modelling being an adult now and address any issues such as health or lethargy which are preventing it.

[user7680]

Tricky situation as he’s not his child unless he’s agreed to adopt him he can only do his best

[swivelchair]

I'm a dormouse - ideally I would get 10 hours sleep a night (no health issues, had full hormone panels, I just seem to be at that end of the curve). BUT. I have kids. So it doesn't matter - whatever time I go to bed, I have to be up at 7 for the kids. At the weekend, DP and I split the lie-ins.

Mine are a touch older, so they've been taught that they're allowed out of their room at 6am, but they're not to disturb us until 7am (they do of course, because what we think is an emergency, and what a 4 year old thinks is critical are different things. And the 7 year old has a penchant for wanting deep and meaningful conversations in the early hours too).

Having said all that, like the others say, you also need to get your meds changed, and your DP needs to get to the bottom of if there's something wrong that leaves him needing so much sleep.

[IWantALieIn]

Yes I bloody hate that there’s no routine! Pisses me off. DS is nearly 3.

[MargeryFenworthy]

You have a toddler who's not his? How long have you been together? Seems very early days to be setting up family life together. Alarm bells always ring for me when I read about women who move into new relationships this quickly. Your focus needs to be on your child and not your love life. And, he sounds wholly unsuitable to be part of a family. I'd suggest cutting your losses and moving on.

[GrannyGrissle]

You sound like a pair of lazy wasters tbh OP. I take Amatryptaline, Cocodamol, Butrans patches, Venlafaxine and Naproxine (sp) on a daily basis and i'm a bloody good (single) mum (with no support) to my non sleeping devil of a DD (4). Surely for Fibro and EDS the tests came back as positive or negative? You should be full of enthusiasm if you've both just graduated. What did you study and what do you both plan to do in life?

[Urubu]

He sounds like a great step parent TBH, if he does all the night wakings, plus all the cleaning. I would let him have his lie ins. It is your DC after all.

[WombatChocolate]

How old are you both? How old is DC? How long have you been together? What kind of degrees or qualifications do you each have? What kind of medical and other diagnosis do you both have? Are there SEN involved too?

[Trendy1]

The issue here is that he wants to play and you 'have' to look after your DS. I think he does plenty around the home already. If you have to force the issue, then he needs to go to bed earlier. Does he need persuading to go to bed earlier? I'd have thought he'd be leaping in early at his age?

However, you say it's his only fault. When you are both 60 the list will be longer, so get used to it. Stop striving for the perfect life, you will be disappointed.

[ginch]

How did you cope with your pain when you were pregnant OP?

You really do need to push for a diagnosis, and keep pushing.

[IWantALieIn]

They can’t test for fibro or EDS, they’re based on symptoms but he just casually mentioned it and hasn’t followed it up so I’m stuck on painkillers with no actual treatment plan.

I’m glad Granny, but it’s not the oppression olympics, just because you think you have it harder doesn’t mean you can dismiss the health problems I have. That’s really unpleasant.

[boboismylove]

To those who are having a go at the OP for not working - she's just finished university, has a young child and health problems and is doing a course which she will soon finish and then find work. I think shat's fine and reasonable.

I don't think your partner should necc get up and sort your baby out when he's been with him and night and also does share of the housework. However, considering he's not working I understand it must be annoying to get up and 6 while he sleeps until the afternoon. I've had flatmates who sleep like that, and I know it doesn't lend to a nice atmosphere in the home especially with a child.

I think you could compromise here by making him get up at like 10, even if its just to "be up" rather than help out.

(Although by the way, maybe bar jobs would suit your DP's sleeping pattern.)

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Tbf, I need at least nine hours a night to function properly, twelve hours to feel rested and I have a job which involves shift working - it's perfectly possible, but you can't stay up late!

[IWantALieIn]

How did you cope with your pain when you were pregnant OP?

Badly. I had severe SPD and could hardly walk, and had a bad back for months afterwards.

[mojito55]

If his need for sleep is due to a medical condition then I think YABU for expecting him to get up so you "can take your meds". It's like saying your illness trumps his.

[FlippingFoal]

I agree with others - a SM would be told that she mustn't get involved with SC and 'overstep', that they are his DC and his responsibility. The same here - it's lovely that he helps you but if you make him feel obliged to take equal responsibility for a child that isn't his, he could end up resenting you. You are not married so his is not your child's step father, he is just their mum's kind boyfriend.