DP wants a lie in every weekend

[IWantALieIn]

Not sure who is BU here. He says me, I say him.

I have a toddler from a previous relationship, who doesn’t see his dad. DP is very good, looks after him like he’s he’s dad and is very good at housework, cleaning, whereas I am shit at it. DP is helpful, kind and generally wonderful.

However he sleeps 12 hours a day. He says he needs to and it’s not a choice. Therefore, he can’t get up in the morning. I harassed him to go to the GPs and his thyroid seems to be slightly underactive and he's got a follow up for that. He also has depression, as do I, but he says his sleep has been like this since before he was depressed.

Now here’s the issue. DS gets up at 6am. He sometimes doesn’t sleep through. We have the agreement that DP will get up in the night, because he doesn’t like mornings, I’ll get up with DS.

However, on the nights DS sleeps through, DP still thinks I should get up every morning because “he needs 12 hours sleep”. I said we should take it in turns, so one night he sleeps through, DP gets up in the morning, next night I do it, or vice versa. He says this isn’t fair because he needs his sleep and I said I’d do the mornings. I said but otherwise I get no benefit of DS sleeping.

I also have bad joints, and take prescription painkillers. In a morning, in the winter, my joints are stiff and sore and I can’t take my meds if I’m looking after DS alone.

Is he being u? He says I am because he does most of the housework and needs his sleep. I also think maybe I am because DS isn’t his son?

[MarthasGinYard]

Op

Isn't everyday the 'weekend'

Why does it make a difference the name of the day?

How do you define it when neither of you work? Surely each day is much the same?

[whampiece]

I actually don't agree with the 'your child' mentality. You live together as a family. He should be acting as part of that family.

[IWantALieIn]

No, it’s not, because I’ve been doing a course in the week. So I have to get up for that.

[Trialsmum]

He’s your son not your partner’s so any help you get with him is a bonus. How would it even work, having to have a conversation about who gets a lie in before you actually get it? I’d be awake for good by the time I’d done that.

TBH it sounds like you both need to grow up. You say you both finished uni ‘recently’ and will start working ‘soon’ but surely you must have finished uni last July and it’s now March...

It sounds like there’s a serious lack of routine in your house which is preventing you from moving on from the student lifestyle which can’t be good for your son.

How old is he? Is he in nursery? He may qualify for 2 year old funding or if he’s 3 he will definitely be entitled to 15 hours free.

I suggest you all try to establish a routine that is normal for adult life. If your DP needs 12 hours sleep then he needs to go to bed at 9 or 10 at the latest. Also try to establish a routine for your toddler that encourages him to start sleeping through the night every night.

When you start working, neither of you will be able to sleep until 1pm so it’s best to try and get that sorted now so you’re ready for when you get jobs.

[DianaT1969]

Sorry if this is nosey, but I'm wondering why a young person has bad joints? Have you been diagnosed with a condition? I think you'll struggle to hold down a job if you don't get your health sorted. There could be things to explore, such as avoiding 'inflammatory' foods or looking for an underlying reason that can be fixed.
I agree with most others that as he is your son, you should be getting up with him and I also think you should improve your housework skills because it will make your life easier in the long-term to have a clean, organised home. Relying on a boyfriend to do it seems immature.
I hope he gets his sleeping checked out and treated. Your routine (and presumably income) will improve if one or both of you get work. Did you both leave university last June?

[Maryann1975]

I disagree with the majority of mumsnet about step parenting. If your dp wants to be part of your family he has to step up and take on all aspects of parenting, including the mornings.
But I don’t get why you can’t get better at housework. I wouldn’t accept dh saying he can’t do housework because he’s no good at it, I’d expect him to learn to do it better.
So I think yabu. I also think you both need to go to the doctors, you to try and find different medication that doesn’t make you so drowsy and him because I don’t think it’s normal for an adult to need to sleep for 12 hours.

[MarthasGinYard]

'He’s hoping to start a job soon actually. I have no idea how, he says he will “force himself” to do it.'

Doesn't he want to work then?

Or is this a medical issue?

[ginch]

Blimey OP, I take it you're early twenties?

How are you both going to manage the next 60 years?

[Trinity66]

yabu, it's your kid :/

[EllieQ]

On the meds issue OP, I take methotrexate for my arthritis - it can have strong side effects but doesn't make me drowsy. Have you been offered it?

[ruleshelpcontrolthefun]

I don’t think he’s a bad parent because he sleeps a lot. I think he genuinely does need the sleep.

That's fine. He could sleep when your DC sleeps and get plenty of sleep and still be a decent parent. It isn't the amount of sleep, it is the different schedules that is the problem. But go ahead and defend him. I must have musjudged your OP....

[IWantALieIn]

Trials I think you are right, tbh. I definitely feel a lack of routine and I hate it. I’ve recently done an extra course, that’s almost finished, so I’ve been doing that in the week.

He goes to nursery for two days a week but we are hoping to increase that in a few months, because I’m hoping to get a new job once my course is finished. I have been applying.

I have said this to DP before but he seems very sensitive about it.

Toddler has a routine and sleeps through about 4 nights out of 7.

[ShutUpBaz]

So he doesn't have a job (he's hoping to 'force himself' to work diddums), sleeps 12 hours a day and stays up till 1am on games consoles??

Is he 14?
Sounds like a right catch.

[Nofunkingworriesmate]

He has taken on the role of dad especially as there is no other dad on the scene, so the act of moving in together should have been the time to iron out parenting boundaries. He is now a full time co parent and personally I think he should act as one and that does not include late nights on the play station and lie ins. surely when he is working he's going to be more knackered and this is when there's going to be a relationship crisis.

[SaucyJack]

Neither of you sound that great TBH. You both need to grow up, and start behaving like proper adults.

One of you needs to get a job, and the other one needs to learn how to get up in the morning and do all the parenting and cleaning all by themselves like any other SAHP.
It's pretty sad that yo

[Minta85]

If your meds make you sleepy, you could take them just before you go to bed. Then you will sleep through the drowsiness.

[IWantALieIn]

Sorry if this is nosey, but I'm wondering why a young person has bad joints? Have you been diagnosed with a condition? I think you'll struggle to hold down a job if you don't get your health sorted.

They don’t know. They thought I had rheumatoid, but my tests cameback fine twice. Ehlers-Danlos and Fibromyalgia have been mentioned too. Some days it’s excruciating.

[SaucyJack]

It's pretty sad that you're both sat at home all day competing over who can do the least adulting.

[pumpersnatch]

He's hoping to start a job soon well yeah I'm hoping to win the lottery but that's not the same thing is it?
Is he applying for work?
Are you intending to work?
If he does end up working then I'm afraid you can probably say goodbye to any kind of " lie in " at the weekend as he will need to rest. Presumably you will also have to look after your child all week if you're not working so how will your medication problems work then?
Honestly OP without being harsh as a parent a lie in is the least of your worries.

[viques]

I think your thread title is disingenuous , if neither of you are currently working then "weekend" lie ins are not an issue.

[LoislovesStewie]

I'm astonished that he sleeps 12 hours a night! I can't remember when I last had that long, he must have a health issue.

[IWantALieIn]

well yeah I'm hoping to win the lottery but that's not the same thing is it?
Is he applying for work?

Yes, he is. That’s why he’s hoping to soon.

[Trills]

If you want to stay in bed until 1pm every weekend day, the answer is don't have children.

And this includes living with someone who has children.

He can choose whether he wants the lie-ins or this relationship.

If he has a medical condition where he needs to sleep for 12 hours a night, he will have to make some changes to deal with it. Like going to bed early.

[IWantALieIn]

I actually think the morning is a red herring, and it’s the sleeping for 12 hours that’s the issue.

[Areyousureaboutthat]

12 hours a day sleep isn't going to be sustainable while working, unless it's short shifts or he's going straight to bed after dinner. If he needs 12 hours he needs to get checked out.
If you're OK to work while on meds, you're OK to look after DC, surely? Your thoughts/reactions (?) must be impaired somewhat if you're in severe pain as well, so neither situation is perfect. See your gp again for alternatives - there must be something to suit you better.
Not good at housework? That's my dh's excuse for trying to get out of something