DP wants a lie in every weekend

[IWantALieIn]

Not sure who is BU here. He says me, I say him.

I have a toddler from a previous relationship, who doesn’t see his dad. DP is very good, looks after him like he’s he’s dad and is very good at housework, cleaning, whereas I am shit at it. DP is helpful, kind and generally wonderful.

However he sleeps 12 hours a day. He says he needs to and it’s not a choice. Therefore, he can’t get up in the morning. I harassed him to go to the GPs and his thyroid seems to be slightly underactive and he's got a follow up for that. He also has depression, as do I, but he says his sleep has been like this since before he was depressed.

Now here’s the issue. DS gets up at 6am. He sometimes doesn’t sleep through. We have the agreement that DP will get up in the night, because he doesn’t like mornings, I’ll get up with DS.

However, on the nights DS sleeps through, DP still thinks I should get up every morning because “he needs 12 hours sleep”. I said we should take it in turns, so one night he sleeps through, DP gets up in the morning, next night I do it, or vice versa. He says this isn’t fair because he needs his sleep and I said I’d do the mornings. I said but otherwise I get no benefit of DS sleeping.

I also have bad joints, and take prescription painkillers. In a morning, in the winter, my joints are stiff and sore and I can’t take my meds if I’m looking after DS alone.

Is he being u? He says I am because he does most of the housework and needs his sleep. I also think maybe I am because DS isn’t his son?

[burblife]

I disagree with others. Going to bed at 1am and therefore needing to sleep until lunch the next day is not compatible with family life. I presume your DP knew you had a child when you got together and so he chose to be involved in a relationship that includes children. I don't think it's fair to enjoy all the nice parts of fatherhood (you say he treats DS as his own) but then not take your share of the tough bits. He's either a parent to DS, which includes sensible compromises on sleep, or he's not and you then take it all on.

If he is set that he needs that much sleep is he willing to agree to an earlier bedtime so that he is able to be up earlier in the morning? Can you alternate the night get ups and early mornings?

[IWantALieIn]

So when you take your medication after your dp is up, do you go back to sleep? For how long? no, but I’m able to lie down for about an hour until the drowsiness wears off.

[Justdontknow4321]

He’s your child, you need to get up with him. Hes already said he will get up in the night with him and he pulls his weight around the house so I can’t see what the problem is

[ShutUpBaz]

What will happen when you are both at work?

[MarthasGinYard]

I don't really get your title

How do you define a 'weekend' if neither of you work

[MyDcAreMarvel]

What medication do you take? I take oromorph and I have a fentanyl patch and codeine and pregablin. Also many other non drowsy medication. Yes they make tired but your body adjusts , drink v strong coffee you won't actually sleep with a child to look after.
I disagree that it's not your dp responsibility though, you are a family , biology is not everything. It's very different to. Step child who has two parents staying for the weekend.

[LittleBearPad]

Get different painkillers. Or take them the night before.

It sounds as though he does a lot. He doesn’t need 12 hours sleep but fundamentally DS is your child.

Where is DS dad in all this?

[Ducktalesooooh]

If he needs 12 hours sleep at a weekend, how much sleep is he getting through the week?

What's he going to do when he starts work?

What will you do regards your medication when you start working?

[Steeley113]

It’s your kid OP. You need to get up with him. How are you going to cope with Work? 12 hours sleep and playing games until 1am is all well and good when you’re at uni but in the real world it doesn’t work. You both sound so immature.

[Oldraver]

What's he going to do when he has a job and needs to be up for 7am ?

[Luckybe40]

Your child, your responsibilities, you get up. He already does all cleaning because you’re crap at it? Why don’t you work?

[Trendy1]

If he is genuinely lovely then let it go. Can a person have a fault or two? You are looking for perfection and you are going to be disappointed. Christ, if my DH EVER did any housework I would be eternally grateful. You need to get yourself together.

[MsMarvel]

So when you are lying down for an hour, your dp is once again the some carer for your dc?

I think you are taking an awful lot for granted here and focusing on the one thing that your dp does that actually leaves you looking after your own child.

[KnittedBobbleHat]

So how much do you do around the house?

[IWantALieIn]

Where is DS dad in all this?

Abroad.

If he needs 12 hours sleep at a weekend, how much sleep is he getting through the week?

He needs 12 hours a day. As for me at work, I can take my meds it just makes me drowsy for about an hour, which impairs my ability to look after DS. It’s possible to work while taking them (I have done before), because I wouldn’t be entirely responsible for another human while having impaired reactions.

[ruleshelpcontrolthefun]

DP is a really good parent, to be fair. It’s just the sleep that’s the issue.

And again I'll say no he is not. A good parent does not pick and choose when to parent. We just do.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

If the medication is effective but makes you drowsy could you set an alarm to take it an hour before DS will wake up?

He needs to discipline himself into going to bed at a reasonable hour. He won’t be able to hold down a job if he’s behaving like a teenager. Doing most of the housework when you’re both unemployed isn’t that big a deal.

[BuggerLumpsAnnoyed]

I’m sorry op it does sound hard but it does sound like he does more than his fair share, he does most of the housework and gets up with your child in the night. Tbh if I were him I’d be on here complaining about how no matter what I do, it isn’t good enough.

Generally I’d be annoyed if my DH was sleeping till past midday, but hopefully when he gets his health problems sorted that will be better. But no, I don’t think he should be getting up in the morning as it stands.

Basically, you’re complaining that you get no benefit to DS sleeping through if you don’t get a lie in? Where’s your partners benefit to DS sleeping through? You actually sound rather selfish. The benefit you have is never having to get up in the night. The poor bloke, there are actual genetic fathers of children (I’m not saying it’s right) who don’t get up in the night with their own kids!

[IWantALieIn]

And again I'll say no he is not. A good parent does not pick and choose when to parent. We just do.

I don’t think he’s a bad parent because he sleeps a lot. I think he genuinely does need the sleep.

[gamerchick]

What will happen when you are both at work?

The one question that’s going to be ignored I think.

Tbh OP I think he’s pulling his weight enough. Neither of you are working and your days are the same whether the weekend or not. You need to learn how to cope whether train yourself on running a house (we all had to do it) or sort out pain management compatible with a small child.

When you have done that then look again at your relationship and whether you want to spend you life with someone who gets up at 1 pm every day.

[IWantALieIn]

Tbh if I were him I’d be on here complaining about how no matter what I do, it isn’t good enough.

He has said that to me. I’m a perfectionist in my own life, I didn’t realise that I project it onto others. Perhaps I do.

[IWantALieIn]

He’s hoping to start a job soon actually. I have no idea how, he says he will “force himself” to do it.

[Dancingmonkey87]

Your child, your responsibility however you both need to grow up here.In the real world people work and take dc to school on the way to work. As others said about medication your body adapts and drink coffee.

[ShutUpBaz]

I think you are both going to get a shock when you are both working. Most people are awake for 14-16 hours a day with commuting/family stuff. He is going to have to go to bed at 6-7pm to get in his 'needed' 12 hours if he has an early start. You will have to take on more of the household stuff and will be spending even more time alone and in pain because you can't take your meds as he is asleep.

There is some serious growing up to do all round.

[IWantALieIn]

I’ll be honest I’ve never drank a coffee in my life because the smell and taste repulses me but maybe I’ll give that a try.