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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at friend having fourth child

58 replies

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 18/03/2018 08:27

I know I’ll probably be flamed but please hear me out. I have a friend from school and we live close and have been in and out of touch. She’s been in a relationship with someone married with children. He keeps flip flopping between them and they have him back. He holds down a job for a few months then changes his mind and is unemployed.

She has a good degree but since finishing now has four children under 8 and has not worked. She volunteered that she had been using ‘natural contraception’ using the calendar and that she had not wanted to be pregnant again. I said, ‘well obviously that’s not working for you, so if you don’t want to end up with ten kids, you’re going to need to speak to a gp about proper contraception.’ She was not upset and we carried on talking.

I know someone with four kids, they have a stable relationship, partner had a full time job. Good got them, crack on. It’s not the four kids that’s a problem it’s the whole situation. As far as I know there is no domestic violence.

I just can’t understand this.

OP posts:
Theshittyendofthestick · 18/03/2018 08:29

Not your business though, is it?

QuietWalking · 18/03/2018 08:30

None of your business, not your problem.

BarryChuckle · 18/03/2018 08:31

YABU It’s not your business at all.

Dangerousmonkey · 18/03/2018 08:32

You seem over invested in her conforming to your ideals.

Hadjab · 18/03/2018 08:33

It’s fine for you to not understand, but it’s her choice, soooooo...

Flamingoringo · 18/03/2018 08:33

Well she’s daft to keep having kids with someone like that, but what can you do?

Purpledahlia88 · 18/03/2018 08:34

Be annoyed all you want, it's not up to you.

Foodylicious · 18/03/2018 08:36

Don't hoik your judgey pants any higher, you'll get a terrible wedgie

sinceyouask · 18/03/2018 08:37

How is this affecting you personally? Are you expected to provide a lot of practical/ financial/ emotional support? Are the dc suffering and you find it hard to witness? Or is it just a case of her making decisions you feel are unwise? Because if the latter, it's just not your business.

abbsisspartacus · 18/03/2018 08:37

Back away this friendship is not for you

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/03/2018 08:39

I don't understand your title. She already has 4 dc and isn't even pregnant. Confused

Rainboho · 18/03/2018 08:39

You’re not her friend, you’re her judge and jury.

SpringEquinox · 18/03/2018 08:45

Think you are right, OP - I don't think I'd be annoyed as such but would despair of a friend continuing to make life choices based on such shaky ground. It's the flip flop man I'd be annoyed with.

MaidenMotherCrone · 18/03/2018 08:46

You're not really her friend though are you Op she's just someone you were in school
with. A real friend wouldn't judge like this.

Now, what about asking for suggestions for hobbies so you can fill your time with something useful/fun/productive.

ConstantlyCold · 18/03/2018 08:51

I’m baffled by her choices too.

Everyone judges people all the time. I’m always baffled as to why people think judging someone’s behaviour is a social crime.

Rachie1973 · 18/03/2018 08:51

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin

I just can’t understand this.

You don't need to understand it, it's not your problem or your business.

Alabama3 · 18/03/2018 08:52

isnt the issue here the "i dont want to be pregnant again/have more children, but i'm not going to do anything more than half arsed to prevent it - with a married to someone else man, who cant hold down a job, and i'm meant to be intelligent"

YANBU

PurpleDaisies · 18/03/2018 08:52

If she doesn’t dump you, I’d back away. You clearly don’t like her very much.

MarthasGinYard · 18/03/2018 08:53

They must be loaded to be able to afford all those dc.

KERALA1 · 18/03/2018 08:53

So to recap, he is married to someone else. She lives on benefits has 3 kids with him and is having a fourth? Does he financially support them?

And all you virtue signallers above saying you wouldn't judge. I don't believe you.

demirose87 · 18/03/2018 08:55

Fair enough, you don't like her life choices and it's not something you would choose for yourself but it's not your business.

x2boys · 18/03/2018 08:55

Well since the change in tax credits she won't get any more money , for another child I expect you will find she doesn't get pregnant again .....

Jassmells · 18/03/2018 08:56

I don't quite understand if they are his kids or someone else's or she's pregnant? But the domestic violence and naivety re contraception are both causes for concern.

GnotherGnu · 18/03/2018 08:56

Obviously if she claims that she doesn't want to be pregnant but is taking half-arsed ineffective measures to prevent it, what you said is absolutely correct, OP. Telling her that if she doesn't want loads of kids she needs to sort out proper contraception is the simple truth, nothing for her to get offended about.

ConstantlyCold · 18/03/2018 08:57

And all you virtue signallers above saying you wouldn't judge. I don't believe you

This ^ the ablility of some mumsnetter to look at a shit situation and form zero opinion at all astounds me.

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