To be annoyed at friend having fourth child

[FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin]

I know I’ll probably be flamed but please hear me out. I have a friend from school and we live close and have been in and out of touch. She’s been in a relationship with someone married with children. He keeps flip flopping between them and they have him back. He holds down a job for a few months then changes his mind and is unemployed.

She has a good degree but since finishing now has four children under 8 and has not worked. She volunteered that she had been using ‘natural contraception’ using the calendar and that she had not wanted to be pregnant again. I said, ‘well obviously that’s not working for you, so if you don’t want to end up with ten kids, you’re going to need to speak to a gp about proper contraception.’ She was not upset and we carried on talking.

I know someone with four kids, they have a stable relationship, partner had a full time job. Good got them, crack on. It’s not the four kids that’s a problem it’s the whole situation. As far as I know there is no domestic violence.

I just can’t understand this.

I agree with PP YABU, it’s not your business but on the other side of things, if this woman was to post on MN about her useless DH who was incapable of holding down a job and deciding whether or not he wanted to live with her, I’m pretty sure she would be flamed for continuing to procreate.

Her life.

But the domestic violence and naivety re contraception are both causes for concern

There is no known domestic violence, so it's presumably not much of a concern.

I'd argue that it is the OP's business and society's as a whole if her and all other tax payers are expected to support this friend and her family when her and her boyfriend are out of work; not to mention the environmental impact on our planet of overpopulation.

Heaven forbid we judge somebody for wanting lots of kids they can't support though!

LOL at some of these responses.

If this woman (your friend) was on the relationship boards talking about her on-off married partner she would be slaughtered!
For being the OW
For setting an example over how women allow themselves to be treated
For keeping up a relationship with a bad example of manhood and fatherhood.

But people get locked into lives that we wouldn’t choose for their own reasons. Fear of letting go, fear of being alone, inability to cope with perception of ‘failure ‘, lack of self-esteem, inability to think strategically and make decisions accordingly, emotional abuse (that should probably be top of the list ).

Support or encourage her to get support if her lifestyle is making her miserable, otherwise shrug and let her get on with it.

Your friend is a complete idiot. Why are your friends with her?

She has 4 children and sleeping with a man, who is cheating on his wife with her and using no protection against stds. For that alone, I’d judge. She could contract a very serious illness.

I find with these types of threads if one person says the OP should keep her beak out straightaway then there wil be a flurry of posters saying the same thing. Then one poster will disagree and then others will. Strange really.

YABU and judging her - but given 'chavvycousin' is in your username, it seems being judgemental is something that comes naturally to you

Only your business in so far as your tax money helps pay for them to needlessly procreate.

Don't be friends with her
She's avoiding working isn't she?

She sounds....well, just don't bother. But before you drop her, remind her contraception is free in the uk and the world isn't short of people.

@raviolidreaming ha yes just re-read it. In that case I'm not sure why the OP even mentioned it.

OP I can see its not how you'd want to live your life but not exactly a lot you can do.

" She could contract a very serious illness"

This made me lol, she kind of already has!

I'd judge her OP, just like everyone else. I'd judge her shit relationship and contraception decisions.

Well I agree with Op but of course on MN you get the usual it's none of your business if you should dare to voice a negative view about the type of choices your friend is making for herself and her children. MN wouldn't be around if we all just stuck to our own business!

When you watch a friend (or in my case family member) making bad choices over and over again, making theirs and their children's lives harder, pushing themselves further into poverty, yes it's normal to get to the point where you feel annoyed and frustrated with them.

It's not appropriate to post someone else's private business all over social media though is it? I'd be a bit too but I'd keep that to myself or gossip in the pub like everybody else does rather than posting it on here.

Her life, her choice and if she wants to make a mistake then all you can is be there when it goes wrong. Hopefully it won't.

There are some weird "friends" out there who think nothing is any of their business. I would be worried about a friend of mine who behaved so seemingly incomprehensibly, too. She says she didn't want another baby, but got accidentally pregnant; she has a good degree but hasn't worked; she is in an on-off relationship with someone unreliable. To be a friend, you must at some point have felt you had something in common. What has changed? Are you worried about her mental health? Does she seem happy with her situation? Are all the children by this same on/off partner? Does she hope one day he'll move in with her, or does it suit her that he is not always under her feet, but isn't entirely absent? What is she hoping for, or has she always been inclined to drift through life without planning or forethought? How is she supporting herself, financially, and how is she coping generally? Surely friends should take an interest in how their friends are really doing and coping?

(Not that you should, as has been pointed out, put her details on the internet, though, when you know them - just that it is not wrong as a friend to wonder why she is behaving as she is).

She’s not working, her parents and benefits support her. The four children have the same father as far as I’m aware, so I think the dad now has 7 children (wife has 3, works to support family). I don’t know if there’s emotional abuse or even how I would support her.
What’s changed- it was the normal drifting that happens when you have a family and don’t see each other daily because of class.

I don’t know if she’s hoping to live with him or what, but in the past she has said ‘they’re married in their heart’

I am baffled and apart from the contraception advice don’t know what else I can do.

I don’t see it as sharing private details, she’s hardly identifiable. She’s not the only person in the world with 4 children under 8 and in an unstable relationship.

I'm more surprised that either women have put up with this arrangement for at least 8 years.

I find with these types of threads if one person says the OP should keep her beak out straightaway then there wil be a flurry of posters saying the same thing. Then one poster will disagree and then others will. Strange really.

It's a kind of herd mentality, it definitely happens a lot on MN.

I suspect most of us would judge if we were friends with someone like this, we don't detachedly observe and not think anything of it. But you should be judging the man she's having an on/off relationship with rather than your friend. 7 children supported by the tax payer is completely irresponsible and the three people involved should go on Jeremy Kyle.

I'm judging the man more than your friend to be honest. 7 children keeping two families on the go. He must be in a bloody good job to support them all I hope he's paying for them all.

I had a friend like this - was always a bit dreamy and eccentric at school and never gave the impression she would be the type of person who would be able to hold down a job for long, despite being extremely bright. She made all sorts of seemingly naive decisions that could have ended her up in a lot of trouble (and as she got older, sometimes did). Yet she was also very gentle and never unkind to others, which was what made her particularly likeable (but also vulnerable). Her whole family were a bit highly strung - I think there was some mental illness there and she did mention her father being a bit weird, but nothing specific. She didn't get so far as getting a degree, though. She just drifted aimlessly along. How much she was really planning the things that happend to her was impossible to tell, as she just didn't think about things the way the rest of us did.

Why are you stressing over someone elses life?!?!

Put your nose back into your own business & leave your friend to live her life.

Interesting that there are so many comments saying it's not your business. Well, no, it isn't, but I bet that if OP's friend posted on here with a problem, you'd all be saying things like - why did you have a fourth child with this man? why weren't you using proper contraception?
If you are a true friend OP, just be there for her when she needs you (and she will).