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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we shouldn't really have to pay for this?

57 replies

KittenBeast · 17/03/2018 20:32

Sil is getting married, I'm a bridesmaid, OH is a groomsman, I've never been 'in' a wedding before so this is completely new to me, is it usual to have to pay for your own alterations on the dress (dress was paid for by bride but was very inexpensive, alterations are costing me £40) and suit hire (£100) clothing that has specifically been chosen by the bride for you to wear? Genuine ask. Honestly don't know if I'm BU for being a tad fucked off?

OP posts:
IMBU · 17/03/2018 21:09

I had three bridesmaids at my wedding and we paid for everything - dresses, shoes, jewellery - we even paid for the hairdresser to do their hair. We also bought them thank you gifts. We paid for the hire of the groomsmen outfits and bought them thank you gifts. There was never any question about it tbh. We just saw it as part of the cost of the wedding. If I were a bridesmaid a the bride asked me to pay for the dresses and shoes then quite frankly I'd tell her to fuck off (using slightly different words of course).

Shodan · 17/03/2018 21:09

We bought the dresses for the bridesmaids and would have paid for alterations if they'd been needed. Shoes, jewellery etc they wore their own, although if they didn't have anything suitable I would have paid for that too. I really don't think you can dictate what someone wears AND demand that they pay for it

And yes of course they got to keep their dresses- what would I do with two identical bridesmaids' dresses that didn't fit me?

doze931 · 17/03/2018 21:13

I was bridesmaid for my cousin. Absolutely everything was paid for, dress, shoes, alterations, tan, nails, make u, hair. She also got us a very generous gift of make up, meal voucher, sweets and other bits and pieces

Original poster
KittenBeast · 17/03/2018 21:13

Another little bit of info regarding @PrincessConsuela 's comment - the BM dresses were bought online and it's not because of weight gain/loss it's having to be altered, it's because I'm flat chested and the bust is heavily padded and much too baggy!

OP posts:
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 17/03/2018 21:14

So is groomsman the American new term for usher, then? That can get to fuck...

cherish123 · 17/03/2018 21:14

I would say if she/he wants you to wear specific outfit- they should pay and that would include alterations. If they don't pay - you can wear what you like.

user1493413286 · 17/03/2018 21:15

I’m getting married soon and we’ve paid for bridesmaid dresses, alterations and anyone’s suit who we’ve told what they need to wear.
I’ve left bridesmaid to buy their own shoes but as they can wear whatever they want it seemed fair

SpringEquinox · 17/03/2018 21:18

My daughter has paid for the dresses for her bridesmaids - luckily with no alterations except for shortening one a bit, and has said they can keep them if they want after but otherwise she will sell them on, which seems fair. Better that than just lurking in the back of their wardrobes.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 17/03/2018 21:19

So they cheaped out by ordering them offline, you didn't get to try it on and they didn't even see you in it and now you get to pay for the privilege of it fitting you properly... You are likely going to find the closer the wedding gets the more they expect you to pay (hair, make up, shoes, jewellery). They sound like the worst kind of bride and groom , the ones who expect everyone else to fork out to allow them the wedding of their dreams.

Notonthestairs · 17/03/2018 21:20

we paid for all alterations and for shoes, bags - bags only for BM's, if the groomsmen wanted bags that was up to them, call me sexist.

I considered they were doing me a massive favour and we'd stump up where we could... including a room in the hotel for bridesmaid and one for best man (we only needed to pay for one room it turned out).

Gwenhwyfar · 17/03/2018 21:24

The hosts of the wedding pay for the bridesmaid's dress, whether it's the bride and groom or bride's parents or whoever. Definitely not the bride herself, and that includes alterations.
It's different in the US, I think.
I'd like to know why Hefalump thinks it's fine to make bridesmaids pay for their own alterations.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/03/2018 21:26

"I’ve left bridesmaid to buy their own shoes but as they can wear whatever they want it seemed fair"

If they can wear what they want, why do they have to buy new shoes?

picklemepopcorn · 17/03/2018 21:27

We've always had to pay for our men's suits, and my bridesmaid's dress.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/03/2018 21:27

"The dresses fit when we picked them so I don't see why the bride should have to pay to have them altered blush"

I needed alterations because I'd sent my measurements by email, but the dress didn't fit, not because I put on weight!
I actually suspect a lot of bridal places do them wrong on purpose so they get the alterations money.

Alabama3 · 17/03/2018 21:29

Don’t want to derail the thread, but interested in @aprilmay’s comment - surely the bridesmaid always keeps the dress no matter who paid?

no - if the bride (wedding party whoever) pays (not the bm) then the dress goes back to the bride at the end so they can sell if they want to

Gwenhwyfar · 17/03/2018 21:31

"no - if the bride (wedding party whoever) pays (not the bm) then the dress goes back to the bride at the end so they can sell if they want to"

I've never heard of this before. Is this a new thing?

Notonthestairs · 17/03/2018 21:32

Alabama it wouldnt have crossed my mind to take the dress back. It was made for my BM, her property as far as I am concerned.

Viviennemary · 17/03/2018 21:36

Sometimes bride and groom or their family pay for everything and sometimes not. But it should be made clear to avoid embarrassment. I think it's cheeky to make you pay for your own suit hire if bride and groom are choosing it. Say you can't afford it and your DP will be wearing his own best suit.

PrincessConsuelaBannanaHammock · 17/03/2018 21:39

Gwenhwyfar that's what I meant by every situation is different.
As the OPs dress was ordered online & she had never tried it on then I do think the bride should be paying for the alterations.

BackforGood · 17/03/2018 21:42

IME, the bride & groom - or whoever is hosting the wedding - pays for any clothes that are bought specially for the wedding. Once bought though, they belong to the person they are bought for - never heard of a bridesmaid giving it back (unless hired). Hmm

Things like jewellery, hair, shoes etc can be bought by the bridesmaid if they just get to wear what they want, but if the bride is dictating those, then they should also be paid for by the bride.
Men's suits slightly different - more often hired, and when not, more likely to be able to be worn on various occasions in the future. Tend to be more on a case by case basis.

Jon66 · 17/03/2018 21:43

There is of course always the option of declining.

honeyroar · 17/03/2018 21:46

It's rude of the bride and groom, in my opinion. If you can't afford to dress your bridesmaids and groomsmen don't have any/so many.

You could just say "oh it will be fine a bit baggy" and "I'm sure we can find a cheap copy of the suit on eBay" see if you can scare them into coughing up themselves!

Notasunnybunny · 17/03/2018 21:51

The bride and groom should pay, unless a bridesmaid specifically offers to cover the cost then it should never be expected that guests cover the cost of your wedding

Ellie56 · 17/03/2018 21:55

We paid for all the suit hire and the bridesmaids' dresses.

londonrach · 17/03/2018 21:55

Of course it isnt. You helping them. They pay for dress, alteration. I real life i dont know anyone who hasnt. Cant believe the mntters who didnt on page one. Seems abit tight. I did at my wedding and in real life i know no one who didnt. Yanbu op.

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