To wonder what some men would have to do for their wives/partners to leave them?

[GretaSBRead]

I seem to be surrounded by shit relationships. Women putting up with shit behaviour because “they’re in love though”. I’m not talking about abuse, obviously that’s a whole other ball game. I’m talking low level just shittyness.

Men who treat their homes like hotels and their wives like a handmaiden.

Low level cheating/messaging/inappropriateness

Women living off pin money whilst their husband is the pub all the time

Men who’s hobbies come above and beyond their families

This friend of mine on FB was unceremoniously dumped by her partner 6 months ago. He’s had the time of his life since then, she’s increasingly fallen apart on social media veering between broken and desperate and hugely airing their relationship laundry. This morning she posts a photo of them kissing and “true love again” with a whole thing about them getting back together last night. He’s woken up and posted “OMG worst hangover ever, I’ve got the fear”. All his mates taking the piss about them being back together etc etc

I just want to shake her and tell her to get some self respect. I want to shake all of them!

How can people think this is love? Or even if it is love why would that mean you have to stay? Love is bollocks

I hear you. My SIL is being treated with less and less respect and has waited too long to leave. Now it's financially, emotionally and practically difficult to separate. He's having the time of his life.

It’s just so shit isn’t it

Trying not to give withering looks to people who tell me I’ll be single forever. Well if the alternative is a shitty life I’ll happily stay on my own!

It is but for some it's the role model they had growing up, for others it's the money and some women just seem incapable of being seen as single so any man is better than no man.

It’s depressing.
But sometimes when you’re in it, you just can’t see it.

When you see couples that clearly can’t stand each other and actively avoid each other, but in their world they think they’re fine and holding it together for the “family”

I feel you OP- it seems some women would much rather be in a shitty relationship where they're treated with no respect than be alone. It amazes me the number of women who are incapable of being alone, quite sad really.

It's a mixture of socialization and money I think. Let's be honest, if men didn't normally earn more, women weren't socialized to be coupled and life was set up more for singles, women would look at the situation differently.

There is a reason married men live longer than single and single women live longer... marriage is normally good for men and often bad for women but we're the ones that are supposed to want it.

I waited a long time and didn't settle OP. There are loads of decent men out there. If you have good boundaries!

mine would only have to one big thing and he and i would be no more and that thing is cheat on me, my ex did and he went and now its the only thing i would react very badly to, but overall my OH treats me well, hes not stingy with money, does his share round the house, we go out to great places,and he respects me and i respect him

I think it's a symptom of emotional abuse and isn't actually low level. Women are made to feel that it's all their fault and they "made" him do it, whether it's obvious abuse like hitting her, shouting, or more insidious like hiding the bank books or having an affair. Even having a hobby and leaving her with the kids - well she wanted the kids so she can look after them. He's always right and it's her shortcomings that led him to do those things.

It's very sad. I am sure that someone who works in, or with, refuges can talk about this far more eloquently than I can.

YANBU. Some of the low level stuff I see posted on here just makes me think how little a lot of woman believe in themselves and how many will put up with such disrespect and clear lack of love as long as it means a man, any man, is in their bed. It's sad.

It's baffling and awful. I mean, I can understand it more in situations where there is a real fear of being unable to survive financially, but other than that... nope. I don't know anyone in relationships like that in rl, but the staggering numbers of awful men described on MN threads make me certain that if dh and I were not together I would remain happily single for good.

I think it's interesting how often women are looking for proof of infidelity in order to leave. Rather than saying it's enough that I'm unhappy/he's disrespectful.

That's the one I find most baffling @Bloomed. As if they have to justify their leaving.

You're unhappy, that's all the reason you need, go!

I agree, especially in my friends case, her partner has left her three times now for a younger fitter model.Each time, she is distraught, crys,, hits the antidepressants, drinks excessively, stalks his every move on social media, contacts the new girlfriend.She eventually gets her act together and he comes crawling back and it is like she has won the lottery, cue gushing Facebook posts, she even falls out with her family because they don't welcome him with open arms.She is financially independent, has no children with him, yet still she allows herself to be treated like a doormat.Now this is not a teenager, she's nearly 50 and I wonder what he has to do for her to say Enough.

I find the acceptance of day-to-day belittling and disrespectful behaviour the most baffling. The low expectation of decent human behaviour. I'd expect more respect from a toral stranger than some women expect from their supposedly loving partner. Of course that's probably often because they have been unfortunate enough to have grown up around bad relationships.

I agree, but I think the sad thing is that some women think that there aren't better options out there - that all relationships are profoundly unequal, and all men treat their partner like that, and anything else is an unrealistic fairy tale. You see it lots on here - women who insist that all men [do almost no housework/cheat/prefer the company of their males friends to their partner] and anyone who thinks they've found one who doesn't is deluding herself.

I am in a bad relationship. I haven't left because I am frightened of hurting our child who doesn't want us to split up. I also wouldn't logistically be able to take her to school and pick her up without her Dad's help and do my full time hours but we rely on my salary. I can't afford a nanny to take his place. I would also be financially worse off as he does contribute a bit. Plus my self esteem is low now and I lack courage to make the change. On top of this I am scared of how he would treat me if I forced a break up, in many ways it would be worse than it is now. It is not as easy to leave as people might think.

Why are you singling out women as some sort of victim? Plenty of men out there in abusive relationship s

I agree with itstime I think a lot of these sort of instances are the result of emotional abuse- feeling so shit about yourself and not believing or realising that you deserve better than how your arsehole of a partner or ex are treating you. It’s sad.

So many women I know put up with so much shit in relationships. Cheating, innapropriate messaging/flirting, being left to do 100% of the housework, taking on all the responsibility of the children (while the man does fuck all, just very very occasional ‘daddy daycare babysitting’ of his own kids, being disrespected and belittled etc I could go on!

I think it boils down to 4 things: the woman doesn’t think enough of herself to leave, it’s what she is used to and thinks it is normal, financial reasons and lastly, she thinks putting up with a shitty relationship is better than being alone.

My mum has put up with so much crap from my dad for 40+ years. I can understand feeling trapped financially and having the burden of the workload in relation to raising kids. I get what she stayed until we were grown.

Now though, not so much. He's a financially abusive alcoholic who is grinding her down. She KNOWS this, yet still won't divorce him. She would now be much better off financially also, but still won't do it.

It's damaging our relationship as I cba listening to her whinge about it anymore. She chooses to stay, for god knows what reason.

NewYear. Shhhhhhhh

I agree, but I think the sad thing is that some women think that there aren't better options out there

Yes, like being single. I don't get it. I knew lots of young women who just bounced from relationship to relationship. One night stands I get, but why bother embarking on a relationship unless he pretty much ticks all the boxes required for a potential ltr? I've only ever had 2 actual relationships and was single for years in between, not for want of offers. I'd so much rather be single than be with someone who was even a bit or occasionally sexist/verbally abusive/. And let's be clear, I'm not saying I was picky because I'm some amazing stunner who had their choice of men . Life is just too short to be with someone who won't actively enhance it.

So agree OP. So many women think their life is incomplete without a man in it, no matter how crappy and some lurch from one bloody awful relationship to the next without taking a pause for breath, dragging their children with them. It's incredibly sad.

We need to teach young women that they don't have to go out with or date anyone who asks. They shouldn't feel grateful that someone likes them it should be them choosing who to ask out and to go for it.

No one ever had this conversation with me as a teen and I made some very poor choices.

We deserve to be treated nicely.

It’s a toxic dynamic in lots of situations
My therapist said once, that everyone gets something out of staying in a relationship, it might be a negative, fuelled by old family dynamics, but it’s familiar and safe, even if it’s damaging