To wonder what some men would have to do for their wives/partners to leave them?

[GretaSBRead]

I seem to be surrounded by shit relationships. Women putting up with shit behaviour because “they’re in love though”. I’m not talking about abuse, obviously that’s a whole other ball game. I’m talking low level just shittyness.

Men who treat their homes like hotels and their wives like a handmaiden.

Low level cheating/messaging/inappropriateness

Women living off pin money whilst their husband is the pub all the time

Men who’s hobbies come above and beyond their families

This friend of mine on FB was unceremoniously dumped by her partner 6 months ago. He’s had the time of his life since then, she’s increasingly fallen apart on social media veering between broken and desperate and hugely airing their relationship laundry. This morning she posts a photo of them kissing and “true love again” with a whole thing about them getting back together last night. He’s woken up and posted “OMG worst hangover ever, I’ve got the fear”. All his mates taking the piss about them being back together etc etc

I just want to shake her and tell her to get some self respect. I want to shake all of them!

How can people think this is love? Or even if it is love why would that mean you have to stay? Love is bollocks

I can understand adults are free to make their own choices with regards to partners, what I don't get is that children have no choice and have to live with the consequences.

For me, it was as Fleece describes. My mind was numb and totally consumed with just surviving and protecting my children and had been for about five years. I had also had a total breakdown that took eight months to begin to recover from. I didn't have the reserves or the hulk like strength I was going to need to get him out as he point blank refused to go. He told me he'd see me dead before he'd leave and I believe that's what he wanted. I was in pure survival mode. Eventually he attacked me again and I called the police who simply wouldn't take no for an answer, they removed him on the spot, served a temporary restraining order and took the case to the CPS who agreed to prosecute. Without the police I couldn't have done it, they were brilliant. It scares me to say it but I don't think I would be here now without them.

The fact is most women dont loose custody of their children at all.
There are very few cases of a man being given sole custody of the children. In most cases the father chooses not to fight for custody as he would rather be out shagging or drinking than parenting his children.
A lot of it is excuses.
Yes you may have to move house and live in a smaller house but so what?I

I didn't mean my post to sound harsh, domestic violence is different . Making excuses a lazy twat, that's what I ment.

I think you're underestimating things Belinda. It's not just "moving to a smaller house".

Me and DH rent a 2 bed house for £1250 a month. I earn £1100. Our childcare is £1100. You add in bills, food etc, and I need to take home 3K a month just to cover essentials. No fancy cars, no holidays, just a 2 bed house. Leaving DH just doesn't mean "a smaller house", it means poverty. It means losing his family, who have become my family. It means him having my kids for weekends, when he's never had them alone, ever, and I don't think they are safe with him.

I stay BECAUSE I put my kids first. Because they need a roof over their heads and food in their tummies and a Mum who is there to always watch over them. I want to leave, desperately, but I stay for my kids. As soon as I can earn more money, I'm off.

Thebrillopad go onto turn2us.org.uk

There is a benefit calculator. See what you come up with. You could get help with housing and childcare costs plus other expenses. Childcare will go down as they get older.

I think it's very rarely just "excuses" actually, that's a myth right up with "it wouldn't happen to me because I wouldn't put up with it/am too strong" which I heard a lot of after I managed to finally end my marriage. Unhappiness and even low level abuse is utterly draining, combine that with difficult practical and financial commitments as described by previous posters and many women just feel paralysed and are trapped.

I completely get you... I know people who’s boyfriends/husbands are complete fuckwits.

One is 24 stone, goes out for dinner in a tracksuit, constantly jokes about waitresses “wanting” him and how he might get their number, as his gorgeous wife is sat beside him. He jokes and jokes about replacing her because she nags or is sooo boring. It seems like a funny type of jokey wind up, or it did until she broke down one day and showed me the texts he sent her. He calls her a prostitute, blames her for his weight (she’s very slim so quite unlikely it’s her fault he’s his size from her cooking) honestly it’s awful. She’s a crumbled woman, she’s an amazing mum, a brilliant person who could quite literally have her choice of whoever she wanted, but she refuses to leave him.

Another I know seemed like a PITA when I met her, but the more I’ve got to know her partner, the more I’m gravitating toward her, when they split up she’s going to need help and he has alienated her from everyone. He appears as so very helpful and loving, but recently he quite proudly told me he left her because she has postnatal depression, and she isn’t the only one who’s struggling, the week before he told me he should have half of his salary left after paying the household bills, anything less than that for him to enjoy himself is disgusting. He works for it don’t you know!

My DH is a fucking arse at times, but with these people around me 6/7days a week I thank my lucky stars my husband is who he is. Many women will never leave the men who make them so unhappy which is very sad indeed.

But doesn’t this thread play into the idea that the relationship is everything?!

I have friends and a sister who are not happy isn’t their marriages/relationships but this doesn’t seem to actually be a big part of their life.

Sure if we sit down and start about the failings of our partners lots of things that would result in LTB come up. Ok there is no talk of DV but a lot of women must be in that middle ground where it’s not scary/dangerous but it’s still a total shitshow?

They don’t want to be together but don’t actually want to split though and I don’t think it’s they are looking for an affair or an event that makes the decision for them it’s more that they seem to have lives they enjoy or otherwise love.

All have children that are early teens or younger, some work the others don’t. The thing they all have in common is being financially well off and being busy. The issue of their relationship seems to be a really small part so maybe for some women the focus isn’t on men enough to change the status quo?

Brillo, on your wages you would get help with housing costs and childcare.

This isn’t aimed at you but a few of the women I know won’t leave because they’re scared of him meeting someone else. When I’ve said to them, if you knew he wouldn’t meet someone else ever would you leave? Most of them say yes

I know that Greta. But is a life being financially reliant on benefits really any better than the same with my husband? Both will ensure I have the very bare minimum needed to survive, but at least with my husband I know what I'm dealing with. It won't be universal credits where I have 6 weeks of no income at all, or cut after cut for unexplained reasons, and then clawbacks when they decide they have overpaid. At least with my husband I can explain that with baby 3 on the way, we need a bigger car to fit 3 car seats across the back. On benefits, no chance. I will be expected to juggle 3 kids under 4 on the bus. I would lose my job.

In a life where a husband is shit but not physically abusive, for many many women, that's better than a life on benefits barely scraping by. Again, for their kids sakes. I could live on beans and toast in a bedsit and not care. But I can't inflict that life on my kids.

With respect, I grew up in a house where my mum made the same decision you are. They will be aware of what’s going on. Even low level shit.

Of course it’s hard, but at least there is the option of something better.

It therefore depends on what you prioritise.
It is hard to leave i know, I've been there.I stayed until my kids were older . We should have separated sooner without a doubt. That would have affected the dc less.

Sasha has hit the nail on the head, it depends on what the benefits are.
Iv e read lots of posts on here claiming that sex within a marriage isn't important. That it's fine for your dh to have sex with another person spend family money and time with the other person. That whilst he was away having

a great time you were at home feeling shit ironing his shirts.
Some people will tolerate that because they get other benefits.
That is their choice but it is a choice in lots of cases.
It might be an awful choice either way, and once again I've been there, but it is a choice.
Make no doubt about it, no matter how abhorrent a divorced dad is there will be plenty of women offering their services. You put up with him so sure enough some other woman will.
That is what this thread is about, learning to live without being treated like crap.
After my divorce my dd1 has decided that she will earn her own icome, always, she will not become a sahp. That both her and he dp will do the childcare pick ups/drop offs.
That she will keep her own name because she loves it.

Greta I agree, the children always know.

They grow up with a warped version of a relationship and often make the same mistakes themselves as they don't know any difference.

Yes leaving can mean downsizing, having to work or work more etc but surely that's far better than subjecting the innocent chidren to it who can't escape. So many then continue to add children, work less etc and so end up dependent and simply don't have the means to support all the choices the made.

We still live in a society that encourages women to not work or not to worry about the cost of chidren and this in time has catastrophic effects on life when it goes pear shaped.